Loving My SECRET (Corrigan & Co. Book 10) (10 page)

I try to stop the
blood—the life—from seeping out of him, but it’s no use. There
are too many wounds, he was shot too many times. “Don’t die on
me, Matthew Corrigan. Don’t you dare die on me.”

“Reina? Oh fuck,”
Nate says from behind me.

“Help me. We have to
stop the bleeding.”

“Rei,” Aiden says
softly, and when I turn to him, I see he’s given up on Matt
already. Nate has the same look in his eyes.

“No. He’s not dead.
He may be dying, but he’s not dead. He would never give up on
either of you, so you fucking better not give up on him.
Help
me
.”

They’re immediately
next to me on the ground, tearing off their t-shirts as I tear the
sheet that’s covering me. I don’t care about being naked
underneath the small piece that’s left. I don’t care about
anything, except for keeping Matt alive. If he dies, then the old me
will die along with him. I’ll come back to this village, and this
time, it will be for real.

The paramedics come in,
and push us out of the way. And then they stop, and shake their
heads. “He’s alive.” They just look at me like I’m crazy, and
right now, I probably am. I pick up a gun, and check it for bullets
before pointing it at them. “He. Is. Alive.”

They spring into
action, and start taking care of him. As they pull the gurney away, I
start to follow them. The local police stop me when they see the gun
in my hand, so I drop it and explain myself. I see the ambulance
pulling away, and try to run after it, but I’m too late.

“Come on, Rei, we’ll
get you there,” Nate says.

“We have something
for you, too,” Aiden tells me.

“No. Not yet, Aid.”

“Yes, Nate. It’s
time.”

“The fuck it is. He’s
going to live. Matt won’t give up, and I’m not giving up on him.”

“We have to be
realistic. Even if he lives, it won’t be the same.”

“He
will
live, but now you better give me whatever it is you think I need,”
I say, finally speaking up.

Nate looks at Aiden
with a glare. “You give her yours, because I’m not having that on
me when he wakes up pissed.”

“She deserves it,”
Aiden says, pulling his wallet out, and extracting a tiny envelope.

He hands it to me, and
I see the word “Princess” in Matt’s handwriting. Leave it to
him to insult me even in written form. I open it as I get into the
backseat of the Jeep Nate leads us to.

Reina,

If
you’re reading this, I’m either dead, or close enough to it that
Nate or Aiden felt it was the right time to give this to you. I wish
I was brave enough to tell you the things you’re about to read, but
I’m not. My two biggest regrets in life are pushing you away all
those years ago, and doing the thing that made me push you away. I
don’t know whether what you’ll read will make you hate me more,
or love me more. Either way, I need you to understand something. I
love you. More than any person on this Earth has ever loved another.
I’ll love you even after I take my last breath, because life and
death have no power over the love I feel for you. Hopefully what you
find here will show you that:

Email address:
[email protected]

Password:
the date we first met

Yours
forever,

Matt

“Give me a phone.”

“We may not have
service,” Nate says.

“Stop stalling me,
and give me a damn phone or I’ll jump out of this Jeep and find
someone else who will help me.”

Aiden shares a look
with Nate, and then hands me his phone. I bring up the browser, and
almost cry when I see the two bars. I bring up Google, log Aiden out,
and then log into the account Matt gave me. What I see brings those
tears I was trying to hold back—thousands of emails, the last one
dated yesterday. I go to the oldest page and see that the first one
is from over eleven years ago. On the day that Matt broke my heart
for the first time. I take a deep breath, and click on it, both
hopeful and scared of what I’m about to learn.

Reina,

I need you to
know something. Ever since we got to Las Vegas, and I saw you again,
I haven’t been with all the women you think I have. When you’ve
made it obvious that you’re sleeping with some asshole, then I
sleep with women. Otherwise, I don’t touch anyone but you. Well, I
mean, I kiss them and give them a grope sometimes—for your
benefit—but that’s it. I know I can’t have you, but it’s only
when you show me you’re trying to move on that I try to do the
same. It never works. No other woman is you. While you’ll
eventually move on, I can’t. I love you too much for that.

Yours forever,

Matt

* * *

Reina,

That fight we had
today in the cafeteria was total B.S. I shouldn’t have made the
comment about you doing nothing substantial for the company. I know
what you do, and how many lives you’ve helped save. I have no
excuse other than being jealous. That new douchebag from Accounting
was standing too close to you, and you were laughing, and yeah, I
fucking lost it. You damn sure put me in my place, and it was hotter
than fuck. I mean that in a totally respectful way, of course. I
can’t lie, though. When we go head to head, it is hot. Seeing your
eyes flash, and even when you slap me, it’s enough to make me
almost come in my pants. Seriously. I have wood all day long after a
fight with you, and even when I jerk off multiple times later, I’m
still unsatisfied. My cock wants your pussy, and I want you. In and
out of my bed. If only I could get past my shit and have you. That’s
not gonna happen, so I need to resign myself to getting a hand
workout. At least I can grip my gun tighter now.

Love you forever,

Matt

* * *

Reina,

I have so many
things I want to say to you today as you take over the Society from
my Gram. I SHOULD be saying them to you, but if I do, you might
realize that I think of our marriage as real. So yeah, I can’t do
that, because you knowing would mean it could become real, and that
scares me more than anything else on earth. If it was really real,
I’d have to tell you all of my secrets, including the one that
destroyed everything. I can’t do that, so I’m once again taking
the coward’s way out, and just writing to you here.

You are AMAZING,
and will do awesome things with the Society, and the Foundation.

You’ve got
this. Seriously, I know you better than anyone, and I know you worry,
but you shouldn’t.

I’m so fucking
proud of you, and I’m also humbled to be able to claim a little bit
of the credit for getting you where you are. Yeah, I only married
you, but it’s still something.

Thank you for
letting me share your life with you. Even though I know it won’t
last, I’m honored to be your husband.

I love you so so
much,

Matt

* * *

Reina,

Do you remember
our first date? I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately while I
pass these nights here in the desert. You didn’t dress up for me,
because you knew you’d already impressed me the night we met. Not
with the sex, but by being you, and not backing down when I tried to
mess with you.

When I came to my
Gram’s house to pick you up, you had on those dark denim jeans that
hugged your sweet ass, a loose Shania Twain concert t-shirt hiding
your amazing tits, Chucks on your feet, and your long hair in a
ponytail. There was not one speck of make-up on your face, and yet
I’ve never seen anyone look more beautiful. Your dad gave me the
third degree, and I ate some of your mom’s cookies before they let
us leave. I’d never put out so much of an effort to impress
someone’s parents before, but I sure as hell wanted to impress
yours.

I took you to Six
Flags that day. I know it was lame and cliché, but I wanted to ride
the rides with you and kiss you as much as you’d let me. We kissed
a lot that day, and held hands. I keep thinking about your hand in my
mine, and how good it felt. How perfect.

I remember after,
when I’d spent over a hundred bucks to win you a stuffed cat, and
you showed your appreciation by getting on your knees for me back at
my apartment. I didn’t ask you to, but you did it, and I loved
knowing I was your first for that, too.

Spectacular is
not a strong enough word for how good it was, and now that I broke up
with you, the thought of you doing it to some other guy is messing
with me. Like so bad that my C.O. is getting worried. He thinks I’m
still messed up about the guy I killed, and I am, but I was handling
that. I can’t handle this, and I don’t know how to fix it. I
can’t take back what I said to you, because I’m not the guy you
fell for. I’ve done things, and seen things that have changed me.
Not just the murder I committed, but everything here. They can’t
prepare a person for this, and coupled with thoughts of you…and
guys…well yeah, I’m falling apart. Maybe a few days off will
help, but probably not. I’ll never forget you, Reina. Never.

The man who lost
you, but still loves you,

Matt

* * *

Reina,

Tonight was our
first official appearance as a married couple, and damn, baby, did it
feel good to have you on my arm again. That dress was…yeah, I had
to call on God for the strength to leave the apartment. The black top
with blue flowers where your breasts were practically popping out
(tastefully, of course), flowing tight over your curves, and then
going sheer at the bottom? Just damn. I behaved myself all night,
just giving you sweet kisses for the cameras, but when we got home,
it was on.

You were as horny
as me by then; after we made out in the limo, you tore some buttons
on my shirt in your haste to get it off. I wonder if it will ever be
anything less than spectacular with you. I don’t think so. We’re
just too perfect for each other. At least in bed.

The press and the
public think we’re a match made in Heaven, and we were once. I’d
give everything I have to be there with you again. The company, my
fortune, even the damn clothes off my back. I’d just walk around
naked in our shack on the beach, or not. You’d support us, so I’d
be walking around naked in this apartment, being a happily kept man.
That would be a dream, but it won’t be our reality. I have almost a
year left to bask in your light, the one you bring into my life.
Nearly twelve months of days where we pretend we’re happily
married, and nights where we burn the sheets off the bed. Selfish
bastard that I am, I’m going to take it all, and then walk away.
Just know I won’t be happy. I’ll never be truly happy without you
by my side.

Your loving
husband (for real),

Matt

* * *

Reina,

I made Special
Forces today. It was the second hardest thing I’ve ever done in my
life (breaking up with you was the 1st), but I did it. There are two
really cool guys on my team, Nate and Aiden. I see the same darkness
in their eyes that I know is in mine, and so I think we’ll probably
get along pretty well. I wanted to call you when I got the news, but
I couldn’t. I’m coming home for a week before I start my official
assignment, and I want to see you so bad. You have no idea how much I
crave just the sight of you. I know you were planning to work with my
Gram at the C&C Foundation, so I could just stop by to see her,
and maybe run into you. I could, but I won’t. That wouldn’t be
fair to either of us. I know there’s going to be a party for me,
but I think you’ll decline. I don’t know what you’ll use as an
excuse, but then again, everyone knew we were together for those two
weeks, and they’ll know we’re not now, even if you haven’t
already told them. I love you so much, Reina. I keep saying that in
my emails, and I know I’ll continue. I want to say the words out
loud as I hold you in my arms, as I walk hand in hand with you, as I
kiss you, and God help me, I want to say them while I’m sliding
deep inside of your body. Maybe one day I will find the strength to
do all of those things.

Yours eternally,

Matt

* * *

Reina,

There were some
people at the wedding tonight who made things even more real for me.
I invited them because they know about you, and I wanted them to see
us get married, even if it’s not going to be forever. Their names
are Aqeelah, Sully, and Neveah. If I could be honest with you, I
would’ve introduced you to them. It was Aqeelah’s husband that I
killed, and Sully and Neveah are their children. Aqeelah tried to
convince me to tell you, reminding me once again that she doesn’t
blame me. She said you wouldn’t see me any differently. It was even
worse after the ceremony. She said the love you had in your eyes for
me was like nothing she had ever seen on this earth, and then she
said I had that same love showing in my eyes, too.

Did you see it?
Could you feel my love? I try so hard to hide it from you, but I was
blindsided today. When you came down that aisle, I almost lost it.
Even with a necklace, tiara, and ring I know you hate, and a dress
that is not what I think you dreamed of for your wedding day, you
just blew me away. I told you a long time ago that I wanted to marry
you, and despite what I say and the way I act, that hasn’t changed.
Today was a dream come true for me, but in twelve months, it will be
my worst nightmare. It’s going to be a hard balance for me. Showing
you the love you deserve, while also keeping you far enough away so
that I don’t destroy you once again. Because no matter that you’re
now the most badass woman I know, I think I still have the power to
break you. I don’t want that power, but it’s mine. I promise to
do my best to be careful with it. To be careful with you. You are my
one true love, the missing half of my soul.