Loving Hart (29 page)

The five days I got to spend at Delilah's are among the best
days I've ever had
.  I saw so clearly what it woul
d be like if we lived together,
and I
didn't just like it, I
loved it. The best part
of it all
was that she loved having me there.  She never said it, but I could tell.  As the week went on she seemed to be getting her strength back, and she was eating more. 
The better she felt, the calmer I got.

Another thing that really meant a lot to me was that no one in the family
questioned my staying there.  As Dante said, "Of course she wants Spencer here.  That makes sense."  It did make sense, just like
it always has
.  It also seemed to really calm Dante down, which in turn made Delilah feel better.  She'd told me that Sabrina had shared the story about what happened when she got pneumonia, and
I knew that it broke her heart to know why her brother was so over-protective.  I held her while she quietly cried because she
was
devastated that her brother had been so scared back then.  "I think about them hitting him
,
and I just… I'm so angry.  It wasn't fair to him that they made him responsible for us.  I feel so guilty. It wasn't fair to any of you."

Rocking her back and forth, I kissed her head.  "Baby, your brother adores you.  He took all their shit, all their beatings, without a word because to him, nothing mattered but the family he loved.  Don't feel guilty that you gave him something to love. It wasn't fair to anyone that any of those four assholes became parents, but we made it in spite of them.  I know that for me, having you, Dominique and your brothers saved my life."

For some reason, that made her cry harder.  "This… our parents… that's why, isn't it?  That's why you don't want children."

I'd never lied to her, and I wasn't going to start now.
I had to be honest, owed it to her even.
"Yes.  This is why.  I'd never want a child to have my DNA.  It was bad at your house
Delilah, but it was worse at min
e.
  There were things…  I
don’t
talk
about it
because it hurts to even think about.  Hank molested me when I was a child. He never made me touch him, didn’t sodomize me, but he’d come into my room, pull off my clothes
,
and rub himself against me until he came.  It was fucking
hell
Delilah, the worst thing you can imagine.  I know I’d never touch a child the way Hank touched me, but I
just know
that I’d be a shitty father.  I
never learned how to parent
.  And I wouldn’t want to take the chance that my child w
ould have any of Hank’s traits. I'm telling you this because it's the only thing I've ever hidden from you, and I'll never lie to you. I've never told anyone else baby, only you.  I survived, but I can't discuss it.  Please don't expect me to open up about it after this."

She hugged me to her tightly as she cried.  “
Thank you for telling me all of this.  I'll honor your request, but you need to know that n
o child of yours would ever have ANY of
Hank's character traits
.  Don't ever think that. 
I hate that he touched you, hate that he hurt you.  I love you Spencer, love that you survived.  Without you, my life wouldn’t make any sense.  I’m so sorry that you went through that
.  I hate thinking of him hurting
you;
hate knowing that you kept this inside
.  I don’t even know what to say
other than just letting you know how proud I am of the man that you are
.
  You will always be my dream come true Spencer, no matter what.”

I hugged her back, breathing her in.  “What you’ve said is perfect.  I’ll never be okay with what he did, but you’ve always given me such love that I’m able to function.  For years you were the only thing that tethered me to sanity
,
Delilah.  When I wanted to freak out and hurt myself or be irresponsible, you were always there.  Always pulling me forward, past what Hank had done.  You aren’t just the lo
ve of my life, you ARE my life. Because of yo
u, I know that evil doesn’t have
to win.
No matter what, you
always
will be
my angel, the light that saved me from the darkness
.”

She
sobbed
after
I said that, holding onto me
as she slowly got herself back under control, and we didn't discuss it again.

I wasn't thrilled when she announced that she was going to Palm Springs for a few days, but I knew I didn't have any c
hoice in the matter.  She swore she felt
better, a
nd I have to admit that she did
seem to
be stronger
.  I was a little surprised that she was
leaving town just days before Dante and Sabri
na's wedding, but Delilah swore
that Sabrina wa
s fine with her going.

"I'll be back on Wednesday," she said, "and besides, it's not the wedding she needs help with.  It's the reception that they're having later for all of their friends and business associates that she'll need me for.  Seeing as how they haven't set the date for that yet, everything is fine."

In the end, I stopped trying to persuade her to reschedule.  Of course
,
in the middle of the first night we were apart, right about the time
I realized that I had gotten used to sleeping with her curled against me
, I wished I'd fou
ght
harder for her to stay.  It wa
s alarming how many times I'd
woken up and reached for her in these last few days. 

I was
n't thrilled
when I got home to find that I had a half dozen missed calls from my mother. When I got to work on Thursday
,
I found that she'd been calling there too.  Talk about shit that I really don't need right now!  A dozen missed calls from my mother
amounts to
more calls than I've gotten from her in the last six years. 
I decided that the next time she called, I'd take the call.  Calling her back just isn't something I feel up to doing.

Tonight
,
Damien and I we
re taking Dante out for a guy's only dinner
to commemorate his last night as a single man
.  He wasn't interested in a traditional bachelor party, and he made a compelling case to Damien and
me
about why he felt that way.  "My life was one big bachelor party until I met Sabrina. I definitely sowed my wild oats.  Trust me, there's nothing that some stripper can do for me that Sabrina doesn't do at home
ten times hotter
.
And let's face it… Sabrina is one of the most beautiful women alive.  I hit the jackpot boys, and I'm not interested in looking at anyone else.
Quite frankly, being without her for the entire night sounds like hell, so I'll be in no mood for strippers on top of that.
"

Damien and I both laughed our asses off at that.  He had a point.  Sabrina is a lot hotter than any stripper I've ever seen, that's for damn sure. 

In lieu of strippers, we decided to have dinner at a steakhouse.  We met at Dante's
,
and Damien drove us from there.  Once we settled into our booth, Damien wasted no time in pulling the engagement ring he'd designed for Brooke from his pocket.  "I just picked it up this afternoon.  I'm nervous as hell! Do you think she'll like it?"

Does a bear shit in the woods?  "Fuck yeah she's going to like it," Dante said. 
I heartily agree
d
wi
th Dante's assessment, and I said
so.  Brooke will be over the moon when he proposes, and she's going to be overjoyed by the ring. 

For the last year and a half, I've spent a lot of time with Brooke and Damien together.  I could see from the very first night that they were attracted to each other.  At first
,
I thought that Damien's attraction to her was the same as his attraction to every other woman he's ever wanted sexually.  It didn't take me long at all to figure out that what he felt for her was something completely different than anything he'd ever experienced before.

During the entire time that he kept his feelings to himself, I wondered who he thought he was fooling.  Us? Her? Him?  Luckily for him, for both of them, things turned out perfectly.  Seeing them together now, watching them finally show love for each other in front of everyone, is quite something.  It makes me happy for both of them.  Brooke's had a rough couple of years after losing her parents, and she's one of the nicest people I've ever met.  And lord knows that Damien deserves to be happy.  She does that for him, gives him the kind of peace and true joy that he was always afraid to even wish for.  The Damien of today is completely different than the self-loathing version of eighteen
months ago.  With Brooke,
he's come to believe in love and commitment. 

The same is true of Dante.  Before he fell in love with Sabrina, he
'
dated
' the coldest and most detached
women imaginable.  They were so attracted to his money and his status that they didn't quibble at all about the fact that he wanted to fuck and run.  Not one of them ever made it past the
three-week
mark, and they all knew going in that they wouldn't.  They were invited into no part of his life.  Not his home, not his heart and not his family.  Damien and I only knew them because we were fucking the same types of women
,
and going to the same clubs.

Of course
,
now I'm going to be the only single guy left, and it bothers me.  I don't feel single.  In my heart, I'm totally committed to Delilah.  When I went with Damien to the jeweler to drop off his design for the ring, I'd surreptitiously looked at some of the engagement rings myself.  It took everything I had not to start seriously looking for the perfect ring for Delilah
right then
. 
I went back to the jeweler a few days later and chose a ring, a beautiful sapphire with a diamond band.  As soon as I saw it, I knew it was meant for her.  I was too big of a pussy to even bring it into my house, so it was sitting in my glove compartment.  I knew I couldn't give it to her, knew I couldn't ask her to give up the things she wanted, but I'd been completely unable to keep myself from buying the ring.  I'm not sure why it was so important to me when I knew I couldn't show it to her, but it was.  It felt like I needed to make that commitment to her in my heart, even though I couldn’t tell her. 

"Yo! Earth to Spencer.  You in there buddy?"

I snapped out of it, shaking my head and laughing in response to Dante's question.  "Sorry man, I was just thinking about how crazy this is.  A year and a half ago the three of us would have been in a club picking out the flavor du jour, and now you two are completely off the market. It's pretty fuckin
’
awesome."

We all laughed at that, and Dante nodded his head in agreement.  "It is pretty fucking awesome, I agree with you.  I've got the full package with Sabrina
,
and I love it.  I know I drove her nuts insisting that the wedding take place so quickly, but once I knew, I knew.  I can't wait for it to be official."

Chuckling at his brother, Damien said, "Totally get that bro.  About
two hours
after Brooke says yes, I'm
going to want
to lock that down for life.  I never thought I'd be so anxious to give anyone my last name, but I'm all kinds of anxious for her to be Brooke Hart."

Dante was nodding his head in clear agreement. "Thank god you're the same way
,
or I'd think it was just me.  I ordered
Sabrina new business cards two
months ago that say Sabrina Hart on them, but she refuses to use them
un
til after the weddi
ng because s
he sw
ears it would be bad luck.  I'm not going to be happy until she's officially tied to me.
Before I left work tonight I made Ian update Sabrina’s email name.
I just keep trying to find ways to have Sabrina Hart put on everything.
I hear most people are nervous about getting married, but I'd have done it sooner if I could.  I'm probably going to run up the aisle and grab her tomorrow."

The pang of jealousy was back, only this time it wasn't a pang
, it was a body jolting hammering in my head
.  I'd give my left arm for Delilah to become Delilah Cross.  Even the idea of it gets my blood pumping in a very primal way.  To me, it's the strongest sign of commitment possible. 

My crazy cave man thoughts were diverted when Dante started
talking about his honeymoon plans.  "We're going to Hawaii for two weeks.  Can you imagine? Two whole weeks with my wife, alone! 
If I've got any luck, we're coming
home pregnant."