Loving Hart (28 page)

Oh. My. GOD.

My heart started beating double time right then and there as I silently prayed that pregnancy wasn't what was wrong with me.  Mono was suddenly looking very, very good.

"I've had sex, but I'm on the pill.  And I had my period last week.  It was lighter than usual, just spotting really… but I figured that was because I was so sick."

"You took every pill on time?"

That pulled me up short
when I remembered that I hadn't taken it when Spencer and I got back from Malibu or for the two days after that
.  "No… oh god.  No, I didn't.  I forgot to take it for three days."

Nodding her head, she pressed the button for the nurse.  "Alright Delilah, here's what we're going to do.  The nurse is going to come back
,
and you're going to take a pregnancy test.  All of your symptoms align with that, so we’re going
to have to rule that out first. Once we have the result, we can go from there."

I went through the rest of the process in a daze, continuing to pray that I wasn't pregnant.  I know damn well that Spencer will flip out if I turn up pregnant. It's just not something I could do
to him.

Waiting for Dr. Reynolds to come back seemed to take ages, but the clock indicated that it was really only about ten minutes. I knew before she even opened her mouth.

"I've got
news.  There's absolutely nothing wrong with you.  You're pregnant."

I stared at her in shock for a ridiculously long time.  She broke the silence by saying, "I
take it
by
the look on
your face that this isn't good news?"

I shook my head.  "No.  This is the worst news possible.  I can't keep it."

She looked sad for me, but she nodded understandingly.  "That choice is yours. I'd advise you to sit on this for a few days and see how you feel.  Give it time to settle."

I hemmed and hawed before asking her how I could conceal it from my family.  "My timing is terrible.  Dante is getting married in twelve days, and everyone is freaking out about how sick I've been.  I can't handle telling them that I'm pregnant
right now because they will go mental
.  So I have to say something.  Sandra thought that maybe I had mono.  Right now
,
mono sounds like a
dream."

Squeezing my shoulder encouragingly, she sat down on her rolling chair.  "For anyone else I wouldn't answer this.  For you Delilah, I'm going to give you some help.  Tell them we didn't find anything wrong, and that I told you that a horrible flu has been going around
,
and that you must be coming to the end of it.  That will give you some time to make your decision. In the meantime, you're going to want to load up on crackers, ginger ale and anything else you
can get down.  Your exhaustion
will likely
start to work itself out in the coming weeks
,
provided that you take care of yourself. 
I
'm writing you a script for pre
natal vitamins. 
Stop taking your birth control pill immed
iately and start taking the pre
natal.  It's the best thing you can do if you decide to keep your baby."

My baby…my baby… my baby.
  That's
really the only thing that I could
think.

After taking the script from her, we sat and discussed when the date of conception was.  "That puts your due date right around the second week of March.  If yo
u decide to go forward, your OB/
GYN will give you an exact date.  Good luck
,
Delilah.  Call me if you need anything."

I needed something now, preferably a time machine.  I shook her hand and thanked her before she left the room, and then I spent a few minutes getting my shit together before heading out to the waiting room where Tally was waiting for me.

I was
about to find out if I've got any acting talent at all.  Here's hoping I do.

***

The entire family was beyond relieved when I told them that Dr. Reynolds said that I was fine, just suffering from a very bad case of the flu. Mama San laid down the law and told me that I wasn’t to come into work for the rest of the week.  “We need to get you back in fighting shape sweetie.  Let this thing run its course.”
 

Dante was even
firmer
than that.  "You stay out until you feel you can come back.  If that's a week or a month, I don't care.  I just want you better
,
Delilah.  I can't have my little girl sick."

I’d half-heartedly argued so that no one would get suspicious, but the truth is that I need the time off to think.  After Tally had taken me to Dante’s to get my stuff, she dropped me back at my house, unknowingly leaving me alone to obsess.

Pregnant is the absolute last thing I
should
be, but that doesn’t change the fact that I am.  Grabbing my laptop
,
I went and curled up in my bed with it so that I could research places in the area that I could have a termination. 

Everyth
ing, literally everything, felt
wrong about that decision
,
and I hate
d
it more than I can say, but I
just ca
n’t see another way out.  If I have the baby
,
Spencer will hate me, and if I have a termination, I’ll hate me.  It’s a lose
-
lose situation, but I think it would be easier for me to hate myself than to live with Spencer hating me
,
and hating our baby.  If he ever looked at our child with hatred in his eyes, I’d want to die.

There is no limit to the agony that I feel.  Right now, at this very moment, the baby I’ve always wanted to have with the man I’ll always love, is growing inside of me.  I’m going to have to push thoughts like that away
,
though.  I can’t allow myself to attach, to think of this as a real pregnancy. 

It took reserves I didn’t even know I possessed to pull myself together enough to call Planned Parenthood to make an appointment for a termination.  T
he first available appointment wa
s a week
away, and I was beside myself that I was
going to have to live with this secret for an entire week.  I guess it won’t be all that different than having to live with the secret of a termination for the rest of my life.  After closing the laptop, I reclined on my bed and stared at the ceiling, wishing that things could be different. 

I felt that Spencer was at the door before he knocked.  Every part of me wanted to hide, to scream and cry
,
and rail at fate for giving me something I wanted more than life itself but forcing me to give it up in order to maintain the one relationship I can’t live without.

Forcing myself up from the bed, I made my way to the door and swung it open to greet Spencer. 

He looked upset, and I knew that meant he’d been filled in on my “illness” and was feeling left out and confused.  I turned and walked into my living room, curling up in the corner of the couch.

I expected him to call me out on keeping him out of the loop, but after settling in on the couch, he went further than that. 

“Dammit Delilah, do you have any idea what it feels like to be told that the person you love the most is sick and has chosen not to tell you? Dominique told me there was a
goddamn
slumber party at Dante’s this weekend, for two fucking days, so that everybody could watch you.  Everyone but me!  I should have been there, but instead, you instructed them not to tell me.  For your entire life, when you’ve been sick, I’ve been the one you had to have there.  Do you know what it does to me inside that you don’t want me there anymore?”

Like every other decision I’ve made lately, this one was wrong.  I can see the hurt all over his face, and I know that I’ve wounded him far deeper than I had anticipated.  It’s sick and totally dysfunctional, but I really
did
feel better now that he was
here.  Hopping up from my spot on the couch, I went and curled up in his lap, tucking my head under his chin.

“I’m sorry
,
Spence.  I didn’t mean to hurt you.  I thought it would be easier for you if I didn’t burden you with this.  I feel like it’s time to set you free.  You shouldn’t
feel responsible for me
.  I’m not your problem
anymore
.”

I could literally feel his rejection of that statement as his body turned to steel beneath me.  I expected him to snap at me, but instead there was silence for a minute, the only sound his pounding heart under my ear
,
and the sound of him swallowing. 

After clearing his throat a few times, he spoke.  “That’s not what I want Delilah, and that will
never
be what I want or what I need.  I don’t know how to be separated from you angel, and I don’t want to be.  You’re never a burden, not ever.  I don’t just want to take care of you, I lov
e it.  You’re my sun
,
Delilah.  Please d
on’t take that away.” 

I couldn’t take anymore, so I just stayed in his lap and cried my eyes out. He didn’t want to lose his sunshine, but I was going to have to get rid of mine in order to keep him happy. In that moment, I hated how badly our parents fucked us up more than I ever had before.

He stayed for the next five days,
force-feeding
me soup and crackers
,
and waiting on me hand and foot.  I couldn’t get him to leave, and frankly, I didn’t want to.  I was happier with him in the house, and my stomach was settled, almost like the baby knew that daddy was there. 

Every afternoon
,
someone from my family would come to eat lunch with us, and every night two or more of them would come over for dinner. For those five days, I lived out the dream of having Spencer pamper me
while I carried our baby.  Each
night when we would lay down to go to sleep, we’d lie like spoons and his hand would rest on my stomach.  I wished that my life could have been different, that he could know that his child was right under his hand.

Those five days were the both the most beautiful and the most agonizing I’ve ever known. 

***

I got Spencer to leave on Saturday afternoon by telling him and the rest of my family that I was heading to Palm Springs for a few days to visit one of my sorority sisters. I’d forced Spencer to let me go to work on Thursday and Friday so that I was able to put in for Monday and Tuesday off at work, claiming that I’d still be in Palm Springs. 

Of course, I wasn’t going to Palm Springs.  I’d reserved a room at a hotel i
n the Valley near the clinic I’d be
using to end my pregnancy.  I’ve lined up a car service to take me there and pick me up.  It’s completely humiliating, but since there’s no one I can tell, it’s what I’ve got to do.

I was up all night, totally unable to sleep, so I made it to the clinic with time to spare.  The first order of business was to fill out all of their required paperwork, and then they made me take another pregnancy test.  “Procedure,” the woman said. 

They left me sitting in a waiting room for a few minutes, waiting for the nurse to come confirm the results.  I knew better than to hope that the results would be anything other than what they were.  “The test confirms that you’re pregnant.”  The look that she gave me was detached and all business.  Clearly she’d been through this many times.

She explained a few things to me about the procedure and then told me that the doctor would be in.  It was the impersonal way that she told me what to expect that sent me over.  What the hell have I been thinking?  Visions of a miniature Spencer took up residence in my head.  I can’t have him, but I
can
have the child that we made together in love. There’s absolutely no way that I can get rid of my baby… Spencer’s baby…
our
baby.  This baby is a part of the two of us, and I will love it with all of my heart.  I already do.  I support a woman's right to choose, but my choice is to have our baby.  I can't destroy a part of the two of us.
  I know why he’s afraid, but I can’t hurt our child.

I was dressed about two minutes later, and after that I told the receptionist that I’d changed my mind. "We get a lot of that," she said.  I don't think she even raised an eyebrow.

I got into the waiting town car and had the driver take me back to the hotel.  After that, I got into my own car and headed to the nearest bookstore.  I bought “What to Expect When You’re Expecting”, along with a few other pregnancy related books.  My next stop was the pharmacy to get my prenatal vitamins.  After a stop at the grocery store to pick up two cases of ginger ale and few boxes of saltines, I headed home.  I found the business card of the OB/GYN that Dr. Reynolds had given me and then I called and made my very first pregnancy appointment.  It was actually exciting.

Now I just need to work up the courage to tell Spencer that I’m pregnant.  I dread doing it, because I know he’s going to flip out and hate me forever, but termination is out of the question.