Lovely Shadows (7 page)

Aidan crouched down in front of me. Grasping my elbows he said, “You did nothing wrong. I...We did nothing wrong, Jessa. We kissed. That's hardly a sin.”

“Aidan, don't you understand?” I stared up into his beautiful eyes. “I have a boyfriend whom I love. I just cheated on him...with a ghost!”

“We did nothing wrong,” Aidan repeated, sounding less convinced. His shadow became fuzzy as he started to fade away from me.

Panic seized me. “Aidan, please don't leave me.”

“I'm so tired. I'll come back. We did nothing wrong.”

“Aidan...” I reached for him.

“We did nothing...” Then he disappeared.

My hands slipped through the thin air. All I grasped was empty space. How stupid could I have been? Not only to have kissed a ghost, a spirit—something severely frowned upon in the Old Testament—but to have actually cheated on Levi? I wasn't that girl. I didn't make out with guys I wasn't seriously committed to, which meant Levi was the only guy I'd ever been physical with—at least, until now. And with a ghost no less! Something must be wrong with me. I was screwed up.

I glanced at my clock. Levi would be here in less than five minutes. Had only twenty minutes passed since I hung up with him? I felt like I'd lived a lifetime. In the bathroom, I stared at myself in the mirror. My cheeks were flushed; my eyes a bit dazed and shiny. A glow shimmered over my skin, as if I had been touched by an angel. Maybe Aidan was more than just a shadow—maybe I
had
been kissed by an angel. If something as simple as what just happened caused me to look this way, what would actually having sex with him do to me?

I clamped down the thought. What happened was bad enough. Having sex with a ghost—hell, having sex with someone who wasn't my boyfriend—was a serious breach of trust and morals. Splashing cold water over my face, I pushed Aidan out of my mind. I applied lip gloss, pulled my hair back into a ponytail, then ran downstairs. Grandpa still sat in the recliner, watching another episode of his show.

“Hey Grandpa, I'm going out with some friends. I'll be back by curfew, if not before.”

He looked up. “Will there be boys present?”

I nodded. “And girls. I'll be fine.”

“Do you need any money?”

“No, I'm good from Dad's last check.” My father sent Luke and me a couple hundred dollars every month, kind of like an allowance. Both of us religiously tithed our ten percent, then pooled our resources so we always had more than enough.

“Okay, sweetheart. Have a good time.”

I kissed his cheek then hurried about the door before he could ask more questions. I hopped into Levi's Ford Ranger, and slid across the bench seat until I was as close to him as I could get.

“The movies?” he asked, looking me over.

Staring into his eyes, guilt gripped me. “The movies,” I echoed.

Looking disappointed, he drove quietly to the theater. We bypassed the popcorn and settled for sharing a large Coke. Other than another couple from our school, we had the entire theater to ourselves.

“What movie are we watching?” I asked as the opening credits started to roll.

“
Do Or Die
. I actually wanted to see this.”

“What's it about?”

“Two friends work their way up the ranks in NASCAR.”

“So, a guy movie?”

“We can watch one of your girly movies next time.” He kissed my nose.

Stifling a sigh, I settled against the seat, preparing myself for the worst. The cars and people and scenery melded into one giant kaleidoscope of colors. I stared at the screen without really seeing anything. Even the voices and sounds seemed muffled, as if I had cotton in my ears. Levi leaned forward with his elbows on his knees, his face intent on the screen. Closing my eyes, I thought about Aidan—the wonder of his face as he awakened desires I never knew I had; the way his lips parted when we kissed. My fingers tingled to touch him once more, to feel his silky hair and perfect skin.

Why was the need to kiss him so strong? I'd only known him for five days! I've known Levi my entire life yet he'd never sparked this kind of passion in me. Was it because I had nothing to lose with Aidan? He would be gone soon—forever—so what was the harm really? If no one else could see him, if he really is dead, then was it really cheating?

I spent much of the movie rationalizing my actions and desires. The cold hard truth hit me like a ton of bricks: Somehow, in five short days, I'd managed to fall in love with a dead man. How was that even possible? It took me forever to realize I loved Levi, a guy I'd known my entire life. Yet, I knew I loved Aidan and I'd only known him less than a week. What did that say about my relationship with Levi? Could I possibly love two people at once? The only conclusion I drew was that I might just be more irrevocably screwed up than I ever imagined. All this time I thought Billie had issues but as it turned out, mine were far worse. My grandfather was a preacher who taught against relations with spirits and here I was, hopelessly in love with one. If I ever confessed this to anyone, I would be committed to the nearest mental hospital.

So, Aidan was my secret alone to bear. That was fine with me. I was strong enough to handle it. Still, I wished I could confess to someone how crazy my life had become. Billie might be my only option; even if she was my best friend, I didn't know if she could handle this. What would she say if I told her I almost had sex with a ghost, but not my human boyfriend?

Opening my eyes, I looked at Levi. How could I not love him? Through my best and worst days, he'd always been there. I thought of the way he looked in the pond, lit up by the light of the moon. Perfection, hand-carved and given to me for however many days I had on this earth. Good fortune like this wasn't common. Levi might argue, but I was the lucky one. I leaned close to him and softly kissed his shoulder. Startled, he looked at me in surprise.

“I love you,” I whispered, “I just thought you should know.”

He kissed my hand then laid it against his cheek. “And I love you.” He glanced at the movie then back at me. “Do you want to get out of here?”

“No, you can watch the movie.”

“I'd rather watch you. Come on.” Taking my hand, he led me up the red-carpeted aisle and out into the twilight. Purple, red, and orange hues splashed across the sky. The darkening sun rested against the horizon. Levi, calm and sure, kept me close as he started up the truck and drove north. I knew where we were going. As kids, we used to hang out in the orchards at the far end of his farm. Mr. Moore didn't bother with that part of his business. The trees were well beyond their fruit-bearing days. Still, every autumn huge blossoms broke out of their protective shells, filling the air with their sweet fragrance. Levi, Luke, Billie and I used to climb the trees. Some were so close together you could actually move from branch to branch without ever touching the ground.

He took the back trail into the deepest part of the orchard. Completely hidden from the house, our chances of getting caught were slim. In all the years I'd hung out here, not once had anyone come back here looking for us. I couldn't imagine anyone bothering us now.

Levi dropped the tailgate and threw an old blanket across the bed of the truck. After helping me up, he climbed in himself and immediately pulled me into his arms. I tucked myself into him as tight as I could, my lips already searching for his. He gave me what I wanted, and soon, I was lost to him. Each and every second filled me up like a dry well. What more could I want from one person? Why was a wasting my time with Aidan, who wouldn't be here much longer anyway?

Being with Levi felt good, but it wasn't the passionate lust I felt with Aidan. With Levi, it was more like security and trust, a sense of belonging. I could trust that he wasn't leaving me anytime soon, or maybe not ever.

I tucked my head under Levi's chin and stared up at the stars. They twinkled, shimmering like glitter in the air. Beautiful and heartbreaking, I remembered Mom once told me stars were the souls of those who passed on. If I believed her, Aidan soon would be one of those same stars.

I ached. Watching him fade away from me introduced me to a new kind of pain. Not even when my mother and father left had I felt such a strong sense of abandonment. I didn't know where he was, or if I would ever see him again.

Later that night in the quiet of my room, his absence left me raw inside, as if someone raked nails through my chest. The intensity of the pain unnerved me. I didn't have any right to feel this way. I owed Aidan nothing; I owed Levi everything. My mind flashed back to one of Grandpa's sermons. Two women brought one baby before King Solomon, each claiming the child as their own. To settle the dispute, the wise king decided to cut the baby in half. The child's true mother immediately gave the baby up because she would rather not have her child than watch him die. I saw myself in the story: I was the baby. Only Levi didn't know anyone else had my heart. Aidan knew competing was futile, especially when crossing over was priority.

In one day I committed about seven different cardinal sins. According to Biblical law, I should be remorseful and repentant, or maybe even stoned. I should ask God's forgiveness for the wrong I did. But how could I ask for redemption when I never felt more pure?

What happened with Aidan was holy in its own way, because love could never be wrong. Now that I knew I loved him, I wondered if I could ever let him go.

6.

Aidan wasn't back the next morning. I checked the attic, Luke's room, and anywhere else in the house I could think of. No sign of Aidan existed. He really had vanished into thin air.

Unable to take another moment alone, I gathered my list and called Billie. Eager to dish the details of her date with Luke, she was happy to take a road trip. I left a note for Grandpa that I planned to be out for the day. I doubted he would be home before I got back.

Another wretchedly hot day greeted me as I hurried to my car. Sweat blistered on my forehead as I yanked my hair into a tight bun then backed onto the road.

“Aidan?” I felt stupid talking to air, but I needed to say his name. More than that, I needed to hear him. Only silence replied.

I cranked up the stereo, blasting the rock music I knew he hated. Nothing. I ignored the tearing feeling in my chest while I waited for Billie. I honked twice before she finally appeared.

“Where are we going?” she asked, snapping her gum.

“Blue Rapids.”

“That's almost three hours away! Why are we going there?”

“I need to see something.” Like some evidence that Aidan actually existed, that the past six days—hell, the past six weeks since he started following me—wasn't some crazy dream. Evidence that told me he did exist, that I wasn't insane for being in love with a shadow.

“What the hell is in Blue Rapids?”

“I don't know yet,” I answered honestly.

“Whatever. So, aren't you going to ask?”

I smiled. “How was your date? And please, I don't need
those
kinds of details.”

“I wouldn't kiss and tell.” She looked contrite.

“Since when?”

“Since I realized your brother is the most amazing guy ever!” she gushed. “Seriously, I don't know why I didn't get with him sooner. I could have saved myself so much trouble.”

“Well, tell me about it.”

For the next two hours I heard about how he opened doors and pulled out chairs, how beautiful his eyes were, and that yes, he was a fantastic kisser.

“You do realize he's never kissed a girl before, right?”

She shrugged. “He certainly isn't lacking in that department. I wonder if he...”

“I am begging you, please do not finish that thought.”

“Okay.” She stared out the window. “How was your date?”

“How did you know I was on one?”

“I saw Becky last night. She saw you and Levi together.”

I sighed. Living in a small town depressed me sometimes.

“Our date was fine. We watched
Do or Die
then went to the orchard.”

“Oh, the orchard? Are you finally playing baseball? Looking to hit a home run are you?”

“I'm not one to kiss and tell.” As we entered Blue Rapids, I pulled out a small map I printed off the computer. According to the directions, the road ran North to South. From what I gathered, I had to go East then cut back North.

“Exactly why are we here again?” She clicked the lock nervously.

“I read a story about a boy who was killed in a car wreck here. It's been haunting me ever since.” In more ways than she'd ever guess.

“Right,” she said, clearly skeptical. “So, you drove three hours just to, what? Find a boy who is dead? Why not check the cemetery?”

“Because he isn't there,” I replied. I drove to the east then across to the north as the map instructed. Because Aidan never disclosed the exact location of the accident, I had to dig through the archives to determine where the accident occurred. He wasn't kidding—the road wound its way up a sharp curve along the Republican River. To the left of us, a thin forest bordered the road. On the right, the ground dropped off sharply down a steep embankment. Below, the river flowed swiftly, unhindered by debris or barriers.

“We have to get down there,” I muttered, edging closer to the new rails along the shoulder.