Love Me Not (20 page)

I took a long walk every day, even when the temperature dropped into the forties. I froze my ass off, but I kept walking. Then walking turned into running, perhaps just so I wouldn’t lose my appendages to frost bite. I wasn’t sure. I didn’t remember making the decision.

Running felt good, exhausting, draining. My mind was quieter.

I learned my way around the entire Baymeadows area—my apartment complex, the neighboring developments, the office parks, and strip malls. The area was diverse. Some neighborhoods were quiet, and others blared with booming stereos and screeching children. The people were all colors, white and black, Indian and Latino. I didn’t stop long enough to notice much more than that. I just kept running.

Marie was around a lot. I avoided her like herpes. Her flirting became more obvious, and she constantly invited me to come see her at the club where she worked. She never seemed pissed when I didn’t show, only more eager to convince me to take an interest.

In my past life, I would’ve screwed her until she grew too impatient with my not taking any further steps. But I didn’t screw anyone anymore. As stupid as it sounded, I’d committed myself. I was Kimber’s—whether she wanted me or not. Perhaps the lack of sex was why I kept running.

Once spring arrived, I bought new clothes to run in, just some track pants and a couple packages of those cheap-ass tank tops. The temperature warmed more every day, and I sweated through the thin shirt fabric. Marie stared at me a lot.

I spent my mornings running and my afternoons grocery shopping, having lunch with Elizabeth, or staring at my walls. In the evenings, to keep some facsimile of sanity, I wrote. My book moved along slowly. I figured I’d have it done by the end of my year. Then it would sit on my shelf like all the others. I supposed a shelf was a step up from under a bed.

Besides my book, I wrote kind of a journal, just whatever came into my head, all those fucked-up thoughts I wouldn’t share with Elizabeth. I never read through it, afraid of seeing the madness I felt spilled out across the page. My mind seemed to slip in and out of reality, especially when I wrote. When my book was in my head, sometimes I could believe it was reality, as if my book was real and my journal was fiction.

Rachel’s birthday was in the middle of May, her eighteenth. Elizabeth planned a huge party, of course, and invited me. A party sounded like torture, but I wouldn’t deny Elizabeth. I bought a gift for Rachel and showed up when Elizabeth told me to. No one else was at her house when I pulled into the driveway.

I knocked, and she answered a few seconds later.

“Where’s everyone?” I said.

She started walking back toward the kitchen, covered in flour, and talked to me over her shoulder. “Party doesn’t start for an hour. Rachel’s with her father right now.”

I followed her. “Did I get the time wrong?”

At the kitchen island, she picked up one of those bags with nozzles and resumed icing the huge cake. “No.” She smiled. “I thought you wouldn’t mind helping.”

“You want me to help
bake
?”

Her hands paused. “Actually, I, um, wanted the company.”

Then I realized what the problem was. “You don’t like Rachel being with dipshit.”

She continued with her cake icing. “I encourage her to see him and all. He is her father. But I worry…What if he says something about me, and she believes him?”

“She’s a smart girl.”

She nodded.

I let the subject drop. She wouldn’t feel better until Rachel came home.

“So, what did you get her?” I said.

Her smile was more genuine. “It’s in the garage.”

I raised my eyebrows.

“I’ve been picking her brain for a while now,” she said. “I don’t think she realizes. She really likes your Camaro.”

“Good taste.”

“But I didn’t want to give her something with so much power, so I decided on one of those PT Cruisers. She thinks they’re cute.”

“She has no idea?”

“Uh-uh.”

“She’s going to scream.”

Her face glowed. “I know.”

A phone ringing.

She wiped her hand on a towel and picked up her phone off the counter behind her. “Hello.”

She listened and glanced at me. Then she turned away. “I’m sorry.” A pause. “I’m sorry,” she said again. “It’s not my choice…I’ve asked. There’s nothing I can do.” She apologized one more time and then ended the call.

She set her phone down and turned back to her cake.

“It was her again,” I said.

“She’s worried about you.”

“Tell her I’m fine.” I’d decided I would probably never see Penny again. At first, it was because I was so pissed. Now, my reasons were becoming muddled. She’d already watched me go through losing Cassie, and I knew it’d killed her to see me like that. Mostly, though, it was because I was pissed.

“She misses you.”

“It’s her own damn fault.” I moved toward the window and stared out to the pool.

Her voice was quiet. “I know.”

I didn’t know if Elizabeth talked to her any more than what I’d seen, and I didn’t ask. I didn’t care.

I missed Penny. She was the one constant in my life, my only family. But I couldn’t bring myself to forgive her. Every night that I dreamed about Kimber confirmed it.

Chapter 35

Brother

“You look thin,” Elizabeth said.

I shrugged, still staring at the pool.

“Are you eating enough?”

“I eat when I’m hungry.” I turned when I heard shuffling of plates. I grabbed a plate of pigs in a blanket and helped her set everything out on the dining table. I’d noticed a little more definition in my stomach and arms, but I didn’t weigh myself. I didn’t own a scale, anyway.

“I’m just worried you’re not hungry enough.”

“When’s Rachel supposed to be home?”

She hesitated. “Any minute.” Elizabeth was skilled in knowing when to drop a subject.

She started toward the kitchen and then stopped and turned back around. “Um, I wanted to ask a favor.”

I waited, prepared to do anything she asked.

“There’s a hearing coming up, and…”

“You don’t want to go alone.”

“My family all lives up north, and I’m not that close to them, anyway. And, of course, I’m not bringing Rachel.”

“Just tell me when. I’ll be there.”

“Thanks, Heath.”

I opened my mouth to say, “You’re welcome,” but the front door opened, and Rachel huffed in.

Elizabeth walked back down the hall to the foyer. “What’s wrong, honey?”

“Nothing. I’m fine.”

Elizabeth moved closer, and her voice softened even more. “You can tell me anything…Is your father all right?”

“Yeah, Dad’s
real
good.”

Still with a soft voice, Elizabeth touched Rachel’s shoulders. “Rachel, honey.”

Rachel huffed and turned to sit on the stairs.

I stayed in the dining room, as out of the way as I could get.

Elizabeth sat next to Rachel and held her hand.

A pause.

“He took me out to lunch,” Rachel said.

“That was nice.”

“He brought Aunt Lydia with him.”

Elizabeth hesitated. “Oh.”

Rachel’s eyes started to tear. “It’s so freaking obvious, Mom.”

“I’m sure they’ll be happy together.”

“I heard you on the phone with your lawyer,” Rachel said. “I didn’t mean to hear.”

Elizabeth squeezed Rachel’s hand. “I’m sorry, honey. I’ll—”

“He won’t admit it, what he did to you.”

“It doesn’t matter anymore.”

“He’s trying to get money from you.”

“You don’t need to worry about any of this. We both love you. That’s all you need to know.”

Rachel’s voice was soft. “I know you cry sometimes, Mom.”

Elizabeth paused. “You don’t need to worry about me. I’m—”

“You’re not okay. I know you’re not. I want to help you.”

Elizabeth rested her hand on Rachel’s cheek. “Just keep calling me mom. You have no idea how much…That’s all I need from you.”

Rachel smiled a little, though it didn’t reach her eyes.

They hugged for a good full minute. Then Rachel went upstairs to change.

Elizabeth and I went back to the kitchen for the rest of the food.

“Why is she changing?” I said—more to get her talking and not thinking about dipshit. “She looks nice.”

She rolled her eyes. “That’s Dad attire. She’s changing into boy attire.”

I raised my eyebrows. “A particular boy?”

She moved closer and spoke quieter. “Actually, I was hoping you could help me. I mean, I’ve met him, and he’s polite and all, but there’s just something I don’t trust.”

“Are they dating?”

“It’s not steady. I think they just hang out.”

“And you want me to check him out.”

“I’m restricted by the mom role. I thought maybe another guy, especially one who knows his way around this subject.”

“You know, I’ve only actually dated two girls, and one only lasted two dates.”

“Dating isn’t really what I was worried about.”

I raised my chin in understanding.

She glanced down the hall and spoke faster. “It’s just, she’s a virgin, and I want her to stay that way until she’s really ready, not because some hot guy talks her into it.”

“So, I’m supposed to play the protective big brother?”

“Something like that.”

I smiled, an actual proper smile. “Sounds good.” It was only for tonight, but it felt good to have a purpose.

People started arriving a little while later. Until Rachel came back down, Elizabeth answered the door and then disappeared into the kitchen with me. From what I could see down the hall, the guests were all Rachel’s friends. Lydia was the only family Elizabeth had around here, and I seemed to be her closest friend. I was glad Elizabeth invited me, simply so she had someone to talk to.

Once the house filled up with guests, I meandered through the entry hall and dining room, trying to spot the boy Elizabeth told me about. It didn’t take long.

He was standing in the living room by the fireplace, his arm draped over Rachel’s shoulders, talking to a group. I immediately didn’t like him.

I saw why Rachel was attracted. He was tall and good-looking, one of those broad-faced, hard-jawed football player types, and he was obviously charismatic. Everyone in the group was listening to him.

There was nothing wrong with football or charisma. What I didn’t like was the permanent conceited grin. Most people would take it for confidence, but I understood the difference. I’d almost developed into that kind of guy. After I gained Cassie, I thought I was king shit, the only guy in the school she’d ever dated steadily. It was Cassie who’d kept me in line. I never even realized it at the time, the way she’d tease me at just the right moment to make me laugh at myself.

This guy, though, I doubted he cared enough about any girl for her to be able to check his ego. It was obvious by the way he had his arm draped, not holding her, more like claiming her. He didn’t really care about Rachel. He only wanted anything to do with her because she was beautiful and a cheerleader. Her mother’s money was probably attractive as well.

Now, what to do? I felt protective of Rachel, perhaps because she was important to Elizabeth or because she was a sweet girl. And I was the only one around who could be of much help in this particular circumstance. The trick was to get Rachel to realize what this guy was really about before he hurt her too much. He was definitely the kind of guy who would steal her innocence and then drop her. I wasn’t about to let that happen.

I walked into the living room and paid attention to how I was perceived. Several of the girls looked at me, some grins and some shy glances, all while the football player was retelling some great victory on the field. He looked over at me as well and straightened a little, as if he could make himself taller than me. Good. I had his attention. I doubted he was used to other guys stealing the girls’ attention.

I was glad I’d worn my nicer clothes. Elizabeth and I’d been out to lunch at an indoor mall across town, and she’d seen the designer jeans and blue button-down shirt in a store window and insisted on buying it for me. She seemed to have fun playing dress-up, so I let her have her way. She said the look was very flattering on me. Based on the whispers I heard from the corner of the room, she was right. “Who’s
that
?”…“Mmm. I don’t know, but damn.”…“Did you see his butt? Watch when he turns around.”

Rachel looked at me as I approached. “Hey, Heath. I didn’t get a chance to say hi.”

I smiled. “Happy birthday,” I said. “Your mom wants to see you in the kitchen when you have a minute.”

She slipped out from under the guy’s arm and said to the group, “Be right back.” She walked through the entry hall toward the kitchen.

So no one would realize what I was doing, I went out through the double glass doors to the library. Then I rushed past the eight-foot-high shelves and out the other door to catch Rachel in the hall.

“Hey,” I said just as she passed.

She stopped and turned back. “Where’s Mom?”

We were just outside the kitchen, and Elizabeth wasn’t around.

“Probably getting your present ready,” I said.

She rolled her eyes. “I told her not to go crazy.”

“Yeah,
that’s
going to happen.”

She laughed.

“Actually,” I said, “she didn’t ask to see you. I just wanted to talk to you for a second.”

She tilted her head curiously.

I glanced down the hall and then motioned for her to join me in the library. I closed the door after us.

She still looked curious, and I liked the trust I saw in her eyes. She wasn’t at all cautious, just curious. Now I needed to teach her to be cautious with other guys.

“Don’t be pissed at me, all right?” I said.

“Why would I be mad?”

“The football player, what’s his name?”

Her eyebrows pulled together. “Brandon.”

“I don’t trust him.”

“Why?”

“Let’s just say I can see through him.”

She waited.

“He’s a player,” I said. “I can spot them. I used to be one.” I was never quite like this guy, but enough that I understood what he was.