Love Me Not (14 page)

“How’s that?”

“You quoted Steinbeck once. I don’t remember what it was exactly, but I do remember recognizing
Of Mice and Men
.”

My lips twitched, more from being impressed with her. “That book has always stuck with me.”

“It’s really sad, though.”

“But kind of beautiful, the personal sacrifice to save your friend pain. George was willing to live in pain the rest of his life in order to save Lennie from being tortured. I think that took more courage than trying to save him, and then losing anyway.” I realized she was watching me with a smile, and I looked at the dash.

“What did you major in?” she said. Then she added, “It was literature, wasn’t it?”

“Yeah.”

“Do you write?”

I didn’t answer.

She paused. “So, um, you’ve been living here for a long time?”

Which meant if I’d been screwing women for money for a long time. “Several years,” I said.

Another pause. I figured questions were floating around in her head, that she was busy debating whether she should ask them.

“Your parents,” she said, “you haven’t mentioned anything about them.”

I wasn’t sure when I’d stop the questions, but I felt we were getting closer.

“I never met them,” I said.

“But Penny did, right?”

“She knew our mother. I doubt we have the same father.”

“What was she like?”

“Insane.”

She hesitated, surely discerning if I meant that literally.

“I was born in a mental hospital,” I said.

She opened her mouth but didn’t speak. There was nothing to say to that. The generic “I’m sorry” didn’t quite do it.

I continued, more to save Elizabeth from the awkwardness of trying to figure a response. “Penny said the pregnancy was ugly. Once they realized she was pregnant, they had to stop giving her drugs. They had to strap her down, and she bled at the ankles and wrists from the bindings. She thrashed around and screamed incoherently. Penny said she was completely not there anymore. Sometimes I wonder if it was the pregnancy that pushed her the rest of the way off the edge.”

“It wasn’t your fault.”

I shrugged. “Penny blames whoever got her pregnant.”

“Do you have any idea who?”

“Penny said our mother didn’t socialize with the other patients. She thinks it could have been her doctor. It might also explain why it took them so long to realize she was pregnant, almost three months. He wanted her to miscarry.”

“Why—”

“Banging his patients would lose him his license. He kept her on the drugs as long as possible, hoping I’d die.”

Elizabeth’s eyes widened. “But…you’re all right?”

I stared out the windshield at the back of the sporting goods store. “Penny usually mentions it to clients. Seems to be a good selling feature.”

Peripherally, I saw as her mouth opened a little.

“I’ve been tested by every doctor in the state. They think it was my mother’s medications that caused me to be sterile.” The doctor hadn’t killed me. He’d killed my children, the ones I should’ve had with Cassie.

Elizabeth hesitated. “Every doctor in the state? Did you have someone you wanted to have a baby with?”

“You should get home to Rachel.” I stood from the car and walked away. We’d reached my limit.

Chapter 25

Charlotte

I was going out of my mind. I wasn’t used to going without sex. Kimber kept dancing through my mind, taunting me, and it only got worse after my long talk with Elizabeth. Yeah, talking would help—that was such bullshit.

The worst part was I couldn’t pinpoint exactly what was wrong with me. Elizabeth had touched on some raw subjects, but that wasn’t quite it. I’d denied my appointments before Elizabeth showed. I was desperate to screw, and yet I refused my appointments. What in the fuck was wrong with me?

In the early morning, I went for a walk, without bothering to shave, and I only combed my hair with my fingers.

The walk was partially just to be in motion and partially to avoid Kimber when she arrived at work. Physically, I was back to avoiding her, but mentally, she plagued me. And it wasn’t just about sex.

I walked slowly through the mall with my hands in my pockets. I made it across the mall property to the main road before I realized I was freezing. If any of the clothing stores had been open, I would’ve stopped and bought a coat.

Starbucks was the closest thing that was open. I walked back in that direction. I went in, ordered a coffee with an extra shot of espresso, and sat for a while and stared out the window.

Once I was warm enough, I dumped the rest of my five-dollar coffee and headed back toward the shop—perhaps just to grab a jacket or perhaps to hide in my room for a while. Kimber would probably arrive in another fifteen minutes or so. She was predictable, always at least ten minutes early but not usually more than fifteen. I should be safe to go in the back door.

I walked around the building, and Penny pulled up when I was still a good ten feet from the door. Great.

I only nodded a cool greeting and continued forward. I was still pissed at her for how she’d treated Elizabeth.

She stood from her car. “Heath.”

I pretended not to hear her.

“Heath.” Her voice was commanding, the one she used to use when I was little and had done something wrong. I knew that voice well.

I thought about continuing to ignore her but knew she’d just follow me inside anyway. I stopped and looked at her with a dead expression.

“What was that about last night?” she said.

“Nothing.”

“I don’t think it’s a good idea to—”

“It’s not about what you think.” I moved closer. “If you haven’t noticed, I’m not a child anymore. And, no, I didn’t fuck her.”

Her lips thinned.

“Why is it you don’t want to hear about my sex life and yet you insist on controlling it?”

Her eyes widened in outrage. “I never—”

“You found out women were leaving me money for screwing them, and you insisted on coming up with a scheduling system.”

“It’s to protect you.”

“Right.” Protect me? What the fuck? Protect me from over or under booking?

She took a breath.

I wasn’t ready to stop fighting. “You know damn well you only do the scheduling and shit for the money,” I said. “So fuck off.” I immediately regretted saying it, but I was too pissed off to apologize.

A car door closing.

I glanced over. Kimber was standing next to her piece-of-shit Plymouth. She looked away.

Son of a fucking bitch.

I threw my hands up and yelled, “Fuck it,” and then walked away. As I turned the corner, I saw peripherally as Penny went inside. I couldn’t tell if she was upset. Kimber was watching me.

I walked and kept walking.

The mall was huge. I’d never seen all of it. I didn’t really see it now, too busy being pissed off and feeling like a sack of shit. Shops opened, and people started appearing around me. I didn’t pay attention to them.

Until I saw a face I knew—Charlotte, one of my regulars whose name I couldn’t remember that time. Usually, I ignored the women I knew in public, especially the married ones.

I caught her eye, that intense eye contact I usually reserved for when I was in bed with someone. Then I turned and walked down a side street. She followed. At the back of one of the buildings, there was a semi-secluded nook, a small space that set in a little from the rest of the building.

Part of me, namely my lower part, knew what I was doing, and the rest of me didn’t care enough to question. I needed sex, and I needed it right now.

I grabbed Charlotte’s hand and pulled her into the nook with me. She laughed a little. I pushed her against the cinderblock wall, pressed my lips to her neck, and reached up her shirt. I didn’t want to kiss on the lips today.

She sighed and held on to me. Thank God it was her, one of few women up for an excursion like this.

I lifted her skirt and pulled off her panties. Then I slipped my fingers into her. She was already wet.

I unbuttoned my pants and pulled out my dick.

She wrapped her legs around me as I held her up against the wall and entered her.

My mind went blank with the relief of sex.

My dick sloshed in and out of her. She clung to me, hands at my shoulders and legs around my hips. All I could feel was her warmth and moisture, the drive to keep screwing her, anyone.

Then I felt her climax start to rise, and Kimber was there in my mind. She was smiling at me, talking with me, asking me to kiss her…

I grunted as I came. Charlotte was panting in my ear. She sounded like she’d barely survived her climax. Charlotte, not Kimber.

An overwhelming feeling washed over me like sewage and extinguished my orgasm. I pulled out of her and zipped my pants. I only vaguely realized what she was doing and saying. She pulled on her panties and fixed her clothes. In her voice there was an edge of thrilled excitement. Then she stuffed a wad of cash in my pocket, kissed my cheek, and left.

I walked away as well, kept walking. The sex hadn’t given me relief.

Finally, sometime after the sun fell, I realized what my problem was. I felt as though I’d been unfaithful, something I’d never felt before.

This had to stop. Kimber had to go.

Chapter 26

The Girl On The Bicycle

We’d only gone on one date, if dealing with an old hag and dinner at a fast food joint could be considered a date. I was not obligated to be faithful.

No matter how many times I repeated it, lectured myself, the guilt still clung to me like a bastard child. Kimber was seriously pissing me off. Even while I ignored her, I couldn’t get her to leave me the fuck alone.

I’d hoped I could get the point across more gently, gradually, maybe even encourage it to be her decision, but I realized I didn’t have that kind of time. Kimber had to go. I had to sever any link between us, and I had to do it immediately, a quick, clean cut. I couldn’t handle any more of this shit.

It was almost time for the shop to close by the time I returned. I had to do it tonight. I had to find a second to ask Kimber to come see me after closing, definitely after Penny was gone, just in case Kimber was upset or cried…If I made her tears fall, I wasn’t sure if I’d be able to let go of her.

Heath, you selfish asshole, you have to
. I couldn’t bring an innocent like her into my life. I had to do this for her. She deserved so much more than what I had to offer.

I walked in the front door of the shop. Luckily, several people were still shopping, meaning Penny was busy. She was out on the sales floor explaining some product to a customer, and Kimber was at the cash register.

Kimber’s gaze was down. She never looked at the customer, didn’t smile like she usually did, like she was supposed to.

“Thank you for shopping with us,” she said to the woman at the counter. Her lips curved, but it wasn’t really a smile.

Perhaps someone had been rude to her today. It was good I wasn’t here at all—I wouldn’t be able to stand by while someone was mean to her.

Then I remembered my goal for the evening. But I had good reason to be an asshole. I was saving her.

Without a glance, I walked past Penny toward the register.

Kimber didn’t look up, so I watched her. This would likely be my last time to get to watch her. She might quit after tonight, simply from the discomfort of seeing an asshole like me around all the time. It was for the best.

Kimber handed the next customer’s credit card back to her along with her receipt. “Thank you,” she said. Her voice sounded flat, so different from the first day I met her, no spunk.

The next person stepped up to the register.

“Did you find everything all right?” Kimber said. There was nothing in her expression or voice.

I walked behind the counter, and she glanced at me. Then she looked again, as if doubting what she saw. Surely, she had to wonder what in the hell was wrong with me. First, I’d flirted. Then I was rude, then disappeared, then delivered anonymous gifts to her, then kissed her. And, finally, I’d disappeared again. How could she understand my behavior when half the time neither did I?

She smiled. Then she turned back the customer and rang up her items.

She finished the transaction, still with a hint of a smile, and the customer walked away.

I rested my hand on the counter and stood very close to her, my chest almost touching her arm. I wanted to be sure Penny didn’t hear.

“I need to talk to you,” I said, “after closing.”

“Same as last time?”

“Yeah.”

“Sure.”

Her hand at her side, I brushed my fingers against it. She squeezed my hand and let me draw away. I walked down the hall and hid in my room.

I wasn’t sure how I was going to do this, how I’d be strong enough. Just the sight of her made me hard, and her touch…It was somehow like touching both fire and rose petals at the same time.

I just wouldn’t touch her was all. But I’d have to look at her, hear her voice, that soft raspiness.

The walls stared at me while I sat on the bed waiting for her. These walls that had seen so much, hundreds of women, seemed to be glaring at me, as if they knew what I was about to do. I was going to hurt the sweetest girl I’d ever known, intentionally. I knew damn well what I was doing, the blasphemy of it, but I saw no other way. This was the only thing I could do to protect her.

A knock.

I tried to look normal. “Come in.” I stood as the door opened.

She smiled as she looked at me.

My heart beat faster, partially from nerves, or maybe fear, and partially from the sight of her, the shine of her hair and how it fell against the side of her face, her delicate features, the way her slacks hugged the perfect curve of her hips.

Focus, Heath.

I tried to think of how to start. I should’ve thought about the specifics more, maybe even written the conversation down. I used to do that all the time. I thought better with a pencil in my hand.

She seemed happy to see me. It would’ve been easier if she didn’t like me—like before I screwed it all up.