Love Me Not (13 page)

I kept a hold of her hand as we started walking. The rational part of me, the smarter part, knew I was an idiot. She’d given me the perfect opportunity. I could’ve let her go, been free to continue my life as I pleased. But the other part, the part I could never seem to get rid of, reached for her. It was that part that told me she was something special, something I shouldn’t let go of.

But I knew it was the right thing to let her go. I could never really let her know me. I couldn’t be the one she stayed with forever.

“Heath,” she said as we passed the now closed Starbucks.

I stopped and looked at her.

“Would you…would you kiss me?”

I smiled a little.

She kept looking at me with the question in her eyes—not trying to entice or be alluring, simply asking the question.

My whole body yearned for her, perhaps simply because she asked. She wasn’t trying to control me, wasn’t trying to assert her feminine wiles. There was no game. She simply asked that I give her something, and that made me want to give it that much more.

With my hands on her neck and the side of her face, I leaned closer.

My lips touched hers. They were soft, giving.

Her scent invaded my head.

I couldn’t breathe, but I kept kissing. I moved closer and pulled her against me. She had to feel how hard I was.

She opened her mouth farther, let me in.

Entering her, just in this small way, was more erotic than all the sex I’d had in months, maybe years.

She lifted onto her toes and wrapped her arms around my neck.

Her tongue against mine, her lips, all of it felt different than what I did every day, different than all the women I screwed. Perhaps it was the intensity of my attraction. Perhaps it was something intangible, something even I didn’t understand.

Finally, I found the strength to bring the kiss to an end. I wasn’t sure how long we’d been standing there.

I kept her pressed against me and took a breath.

She opened her mouth but didn’t talk.

I brushed my thumb across her cheek. “As good as last time?”

“I…I’m glad you’re holding me so tightly.”

“Legs giving out?”

“Yeah.”

I grinned. Then I stepped back, my hands on her arms, as if she might collapse.

She smiled. “I’m good now. I think.”

As a car passed and reminded me where we were, I realized I wasn’t okay. I couldn’t walk in my current state, both from the pain building in my scrotum and the obviousness of my erection.

“Ready?” she said.

“Uh…” There was no way around it, and no hiding. I reached down to the front of my pants and adjusted myself, partially to give my penis more room and partially in an attempt to make it a little less noticeable.

She burst out laughing.

“It’s your fault,” I said.

She smiled wider and kept laughing.

Chapter 23

Don’t Tell Penny

Whatever Kimber thought I did to earn money, she seemed to assume it didn’t get me much of it. She offered to pay for her own meal. I wasn’t used to having my ego bruised. I was rather spoiled in that regard.

When she offered to pay, I gave her a look like she was insane, and she apologized, something about not knowing how to be on a date. Apparently, she’d never dated her ex. They’d just gotten married. Her church sounded like an odd world to live in.

After we ate, we walked back toward the shop. I chose a different route. She didn’t ask why it took so much longer to get back.

“So, you don’t want Penny to know about this?” Kimber said as we stood at her car in the dark parking lot.

“I don’t normally talk to people about my romantic life.” Which was the truth.

“Especially a mother figure.”

“Yeah.”

Actually, I wasn’t sure what Penny would think. Would she be pissed I was involved with one of her employees, the first really reliable employee she’d had in awhile? Maybe she’d be angry about the money she earned from me. If I got too involved with Kimber, I’d have to stop…No, I wasn’t going to get that involved. We had one date. That hardly warranted an exclusive relationship, especially when the date consisted of Arby’s, a long walk, and tears.

Whatever the reason, I didn’t want Penny to know about this, perhaps simply because I didn’t want to deal with her questions and expectations, positive or negative.

“So, um,” Kimber said, “can we do this again? I promise not to cry next time.”

I smiled a little. “Sure. I’ll talk to you next week.”

“Oh, okay.”

I hated seeing her disappointment. The evening had gone so well she probably expected an invitation for tomorrow night.
Deal with it, Heath. You’re the one who screwed it all up.
A little disappointment at a time would be easier for her to handle. If I was lucky, she’d decide on her own to stop whatever it was we were doing. She said rejecting was the easy part, and I wanted this to be as easy for her as possible.

Her rejection would destroy me, but I’d just have to deal with it. Perhaps I’d take the out Cassie had taken. Some days it seemed so simple, almost enticing.

She started to turn for her car door.

I planned to let her go, make this first goodbye a stepping stone to the last, but then I touched her arm.

She turned back to me, and I saw in her eyes what she wanted, still no flirting or seduction.

I stepped closer, and her back pressed against her car as I kissed her. Our breathing was immediately heavy.

She welcomed me, not even any hesitation at my abruptness. I knew I could get her into bed if I wanted—and my God did I want her, to join us together, to be a part of her.

My hand travelled down from her neck, over her breast, to her waist. She sighed against my lips. My hand slipped under her shirt to touch her bare skin. Her waist was tiny and smooth, exactly the kind I liked to hold while I…

I could almost feel what it would be like to slip into her. She’d be tight, and she’d cling to me like she was now. She’d spread her legs wide and moan my name. I knew I’d go for hours with her. I wouldn’t be able to get enough.

My hand slid farther. I felt her bra, smooth cotton, and then the curve of her breasts, the way they filled out even more with her heavy breathing, just like if we were making love…

I stepped back. “I’m sorry.”

What in the hell was I doing? I felt off balance, confused. The line between fantasy and reality was blurring again. Maybe I should just let it blur completely. All this shit would be easier.

“It’s okay.” She touched my hand, and I realized it was shaking. “Heath, it’s okay.”

“You’re not ready. I’m sorry.”

Her lips curved. The smile filled her eyes. She moved closer and wrapped her arms around me, her head against my chest. I held on to her, pressed my hands to her to get them to stop shaking.

“Thank you,” she said. “No one’s ever cared about what I was ready for.”

I pressed my cheek against her hair. “I do.” That was just one reason I shouldn’t let this go any further. The one woman I’d ever been close to ended up dead. I’d sacrifice myself before allowing harm to come to Kimber.

I let her go. “Good-night.” I turned and walked away.

Chapter 24

Mother

I didn’t talk to Kimber the next day or the next. If I was being honest with myself, I was scared of her, of what she did to me. With women, I was used to being in control. They did what I wanted, were happy to do what I wanted. But Kimber, she made me do things I didn’t know I wanted.

I told Penny I wasn’t feeling well and asked her to cancel my appointments. Other than that, I didn’t talk to her. I ignored her insistence that I go see a doctor. I played doctor on occasion, but I never went to see them. Perhaps having been born in a mental hospital, I’d seen my share of them. Or perhaps, since none of them could save my mother, I couldn’t trust them. Whatever. There was nothing physically wrong with me anyway.

It was Tuesday night that Elizabeth came. I was just returning from a walk, from making sure I avoided Kimber on her way out.

“He’s not well.” Penny’s voice travelled down the hall.

“I know,” Elizabeth said. “I just came to see if he needed anything.”

A pause. Elizabeth’s tone changed, like she just realized something. “I’m not here for
that
. I just want to see how he’s doing.”

“He’s not seeing anyone.” Penny never seemed to want me to be friendly with the women I saw. She was ruthless about it. In the past, it could be a good thing—she stopped those women who got too attached, who couldn’t see the differentiation between someone you share a bed with and someone you pay to screw you. I never really understood why Penny was
so
harsh about it, but I’d never cared until now.

I walked up the hall, more to save Elizabeth from Penny than because I wanted to talk to anyone.

I took Elizabeth’s hand and spoke to Penny. “I won’t fuck her.” I led Elizabeth down the hall to my room.

The back door slammed as Penny left a minute later.

“Is she all right?” Elizabeth said.

I sat on the edge of the bed. “It’s nothing to do with you.”

She sat next to me.

“She doesn’t like me to be friends with my clients,” I said.

“I suppose that makes sense. Hardly seems…professional.”

“When did sex become professional?”

“So, she said you’re not feeling well.”

“Yeah.”

“You don’t look sick.”

“I’m good at faking.” I stood and walked over to the fire.

“All right,” she said. “I won’t push too hard. Just don’t feed
me
any bull about being sick.”

Kneeling in front of the fireplace, I glanced back at her. “I can do that.”

She smiled a little. “Good. I’ll just help take your mind off things, then.”

I set the poker back in its holder. “Is your divorce going all right?”

“He’s trying to get alimony.”

I raised my eyebrows. “Fucking prick.”

“My lawyer thinks we’ll be able to stop him.”

“Because of the adultery.”

“Actually, we’re having a hard time proving that.”

“He admitted it, didn’t he?”

“Only to me. Now he’s denying it, and so is Lydia. He’s trying to get money out of me, and he knows I won’t ask Rachel to go through a paternity test.”

“Sack of shit.”

“But since I had money before we were together, my lawyer thinks I won’t have to give him any. My father left it to me when he died.”

“So, Lydia has money too?”

“I got lucky on several investments. She spent all hers.”

I smirked. “I’m sure you helped the prick build his career. Are you going for alimony?”

The corner of her mouth twitched devilishly. “I could.”

“But you’re not going to.”

She sighed. “No. I just want it all to be done. Rachel’s been through enough.”

I walked over and resumed my seat next to her. “How’s Rachel doing?”

“Okay, I think.” She smiled. “She decided to stay with me until she leaves for college.”

“You found someplace to stay?”

“I plan to get the house back, but for right now, we’re staying at a place I own off Gate Parkway.”

The only housing off Gate Parkway was big complexes of luxury apartments. Apparently, Elizabeth had invested better than she hinted. She could make a nice living off just one property like that.

Elizabeth stayed for a while. We talked about lots of things, mostly her. I was thankful she came. I needed a friendly face today, more than I realized. And I didn’t screw her.

It was after midnight by the time I walked her to her car.

She paused before opening her door. “Do you trust me?”

“Of course.” Where did that come from?

“I just…I know you need a friend. You deserve one.”

“You are my friend.”

She sighed. “I know it’s hard for you, but you should talk to someone.”

“What would you think I needed to talk about?”

“There’s nothing physically wrong with you, and you cancelled your appointments for the last two days.”

“I’m just tired.”

“Right, Heath. I’ve heard about some of your escapades. You don’t get tired.”

My jaw clenched. “I don’t know what you want from me.”

“I don’t want anything from you. That’s my point. I’m offering you a chance to get it out, whatever it is that’s always on your mind, that’s always muting your smile. No repercussions. I won’t gossip to anyone, and you know I won’t judge, no matter what it is.”

I just looked at her. She was right, at least partially. Talking to her, out of everyone I knew, would be the easiest, but certain things I couldn’t talk to anyone about.

“There’s so much,” I finally said.

Her expression was gentle, patient. “The first time is the hardest. Trust me.”

I laughed under my breath. “I say that all the time.”

She laughed out loud. Then she turned and opened her car door. “Come sit with me.”

I walked around to the passenger side. She started the engine and turned on the heat. Her car was immaculate, probably a few years old, but one of those cars that was classy and timeless, like her.

“So,” she said. “I’ll start easy. Did you grow up around here?”

“A few different areas, but this general vicinity.”

“Any family?”

“It’s been just Penny and me for a long time.”

She tilted her head curiously.

“Penny raised me,” I said.

“Oh. Well, that explains why she’s so protective.”

“Yeah.”

She smiled. “So that’s what you talked to Rachel about. She said you told her a mother is in the actions, not the blood.”

“Rachel’s a smart girl.”

She paused. “Thanks for that.”

“It felt nice to help.”

She turned in her seat a little more to face me better. I wasn’t sure how long I’d be able to sit here.

“So, you went to school here then.”

“High school in Orange Park, then University of Florida.”

Her eyebrows rose.

“A reasonable amount of intelligence and the ability to make women squeal are not mutually exclusive traits.”

She laughed. “I never really thought about what you did before this. But now that you say it, you do seem educated.”