Love Confessed (6 page)

5
Leah

Holy crap, what is Steve doing here? Shit, shit, shit! I envisioned running into him at the office, seeing him in the halls, and I felt relatively prepared for the awkwardness I was certain would follow. This though? This is a thousand times worse than I ever imagined our first encounter post awesome drunken sex would be. It’s even worse than I thought that it could be. I haven’t seen him since I managed to sneak out of the hotel room that Saturday morning and suffice it to say that these close quarters are so much more intimate than I feel comfortable with.

I was really, really hoping to sneak by with just a casual hello in passing. I was also hoping that it wouldn’t be quite so soon. I’m thoroughly embarrassed. More than embarrassed. I’m standing in the doorway speechless. Utterly horrified! What was I thinking? I mean, of course I had to run into him eventually; the man is a client of my boss and now he’s the father of the girl that Ethan has been having trouble with at school? Of,
flipping,
course. Could this situation be any more awkward? This is my luck. This is exactly why I don’t date. This is most definitely a sign that I should continue not dating and work on further broadening my collection of battery-operated boyfriends. Maybe I’ll look into rescuing a cat or three.

Once I finally come to my senses and am able to move through the threshold, I make sure to I carefully avoid Steve’s arctic glare as I speak to Mrs. Withers. When I reach my hand out to shake his in an attempt to try to ease the quickly growing tension, the ice in his stare is unavoidable. I thought I was prepared to see him but now I realize that I wasn’t. The warm allure of his gaze, his normal magnetism – it’s all gone. He just looks pissed. I’m sure it has more to do with me leaving and not replying to his email than with the trouble our children are getting in to. Kelly even told me he called the office on Monday and sounded like a hot mess.

I know I shouldn’t care but I feel disappointed with the way he is looking at me. Seeing him look at me like this makes me so desperately miss the way he looked at me in bed. I guess it’s time to face the music though. There is no avoiding him now.

“Hello, Mr. Cooper.” I say loudly as I square my shoulders and stick my hand out. He finally reciprocates but only after waiting long enough to make me acutely aware of the fact that he’d rather not be shaking my hand. I’m not very excited about this situation either, but this would be a whole lot easier if he could act like an adult.

“Hello.” His greeting is curt and his stare is growing more icy by the second. He hasn’t taken his eyes off of me, which has made it impossibly hard to take my eyes off of him.

“Oh, you two know each other already? That’s wonderful!” I hear Mrs. Withers say cheerily and that helps me to pull my eyes away from Steve long enough to sit down at the desk next to him. As hard as it is, I manage to keep my gaze turned forward and try to focus on the very important matter at hand.

“Vaguely.” He says in a low, undeniably angry tone.

“Well then, let’s cut right to it.” Mrs. Withers continues, not noticing the hostility and tension in the room. “I think we need to discuss what has been going on between Ethan and Abby lately.” As she talks I’m trying really hard to pay attention but with Steve sitting so close, that is no easy task. My brain is in a fog and even though Mrs. Withers is sitting three feet away, I feel like she’s speaking across some sort of great expanse.

Once I’m finally able to focus on what is being said, I get the idea that kids have been teasing Ethan because his dad is not around and other such things that kids tease each other about. In turn, Ethan has teased Abby about her mom not being there to dress her like a girl. I had talked to Ethan about this last night and I could tell that he genuinely felt bad for being mean to Abby. It was one of the harder conversations I’ve had to have as mom. It was so hard to reprimand him while I could see how badly he was hurting himself. I told him he needed to apologize to her and that he should know what it feels like to not have a parent there all the time.

“I think this is entirely fixable. I can see that you’re both terribly frustrated,” Mrs. Withers says, “but I want you to know that you both have lovely children. They’re kind, and smart, and besides these recent encounters, I’ve never had a problem with either of them in class. They’re both actually two of my favorite students. I just wanted to sit down and talk to you because I think that this just needs to be addressed, but don’t fret – you’re both doing a great job.”

“Thank you, Mrs. Withers. I just feel so bad both that Ethan has been struggling and I didn’t know, and that he used poor Abby as an outlet for his frustration.”

“Leah,” Steve sighs and finally speaks after being silent nearly the entire meeting. Him breaking his silence catches both Mrs. Withers and I off guard for a moment. “I don’t think there’s anything for you to feel bad about. I think we’ve both just pretending we could do it all and hoping we could slide by avoiding addressing the absence of the other parent but now that they’re older it’s something we’ve got to sit and work out with them. But really, don’t feel bad.”

“Neither of you should feel badly. Like I said, you’re both doing a great job parenting. Trust me. I’ve done it alone as well. When my son Matthew was eight my husband, his father, died of a heart attack so I definitely know what you both are going through and I’m here if either of you ever need an ear to listen or shoulder to cry on. Oh, and while I’m thinking about it – I know it’s been some time Steven since Abby’s mom passed but I know that it took me longer than I ever thought it would to heal and I know many valuable resources should you ever need an outlet to cope yourself.” Mrs. Withers kindly offers as she pats Steve’s hand and I can see his eyes start to glisten.

Now though, it is I who am silent. Steve’s wife had passed? Wow. That caught me off guard. I don’t have any more time to devote to this train of thought though because our meeting is ending and goodbyes must be said. I hug Mrs. Withers, truly grateful that my son has such a kind, caring teacher, then head to the playground to get Ethan.

I’ve been pretty upset by this whole ordeal because I’ve been trying really hard to be both parents since Joseph lives in so far away; yet somehow, I still feel like I’m failing my son. This isn’t usually like him. He’s actually a really sweet boy so this behavior has me thinking that he needs his dad more than I realized. It may be time to concede that I can’t do it all by myself like I thought I could, something I desperately hate to admit. I make a mental reminder to call Joseph as soon as I can to let him know that his son needs to come spend some time with him this summer. He needs do boy things, and he needs to do them with his father. The nightly video chats are no longer cutting it. He needs a full time father and the real father-son relationship that comes with it.

We make it through the conference and the kids, who have already started playing together outside, come in and apologize to one another. I think we got to the root of the problem as well. As they mature, it seems the lack of presence of a parent of their own gender is felt more severely. As much as I try to be both mom and dad, Ethan is getting old enough that he needs more. More from me and more from Joseph. The fact that he doesn’t have a dad here to do the father-son things like all of the other boys affects him more now that he is old enough to wish that he did have that sort of relationship. It appears Abby is going through the same thing so she was the easiest target for Ethan, who didn’t know any better avenue to channel his hurt. By the time Steve and I walk silently to the playground to gather our children, it appears that they are now best friends.

Oh to be six again. The look on Steve’s face throughout the meeting tells me it would take a whole lot more work for him to like me again. I thought I didn’t care but again, I’m saddened. The way he is looking at me has me feeling like I disappointed him and I am desperate to fix it. I don’t really know him, and I really can’t figure out why I am so bothered. I can’t figure out how I’m able to feel his anger, his disappointment, his whatever else it is while I’m trying my hardest to focus all of my attention onto the very important conversation I just had about the most important person in my life.

When we reach the playground, Abby’s face lights up. Recognizing me from the times I’ve volunteered in the class room, runs up and throws her arms around my waist.

“Miss Collins!!! I missed you!!!” she exclaims as she squeezes me.

“I missed you too, Abby! Sorry I haven’t been in the classroom lately. How are you doing? How is Sparkles? She’s such a pretty horse. I loved that picture you painted of her the last time I was here for the day.”

At this point, I’m kneeling on the grass speaking to her at her level, having a new understanding of how important it is for her to get attention from a woman. I imagine she is as affected by the lack of a mother as Ethan is by his lack of a present father. We have a quick chat, and as I get up and brush the grass off of my knees, Ethan tugs on my arm,

“Mom, I’m soooo hungry. Please can we go eat pizza across the street, please? I’m starving.”

“Oooh, I’m hungry too!” Abby nearly shouts. “Dad, can we go with them?” She asks, jumping up and down. I laugh at the way she pulls on his arm while she bats her eyelashes at him. She’s a daddy’s girl through and through, she’s got him wrapped around her little finger, and I can see why. She really is a doll. I’ve loved the interactions I’ve had with her in the classroom. I’ve always thought she was adorable. Beautiful, actually. Like one of those perfect little J Crew child models, if only her father would learn to dress her like that.

Maybe, if he ever speaks to me again, I can help him pick out some clothes that a six year old girl would like. I thought the moms I’d heard complaining about how their husbands dressing their daughters like orphans was just dramatic housewife talk. Now I see that maybe there’s some truth to it. Poor dads. I’d also always appreciated the way she clung to me like a sponge when I was there – it made me feel special and I’d always tried to give her a little extra attention, able to see that she clearly needed it. Now, her closeness to me those few interactions makes all the sense in the world.

Looking back, I can’t believe I never noticed her name, or seen the resemblance. Seeing them stand next to each other you can see she’s his daughter in every way except her eyes. She must have her mother’s hazel eyes and if that’s any indication of what her mom looked like, I can only guess she was gorgeous as well. I just found out in the meeting that she’s not around because she passed away giving birth to Abby. Learning that makes me want to hug Abby, to tell her I know how she feels not having a mom around. It also makes me want to hug Steve. The way he looks at Abby, there’s no doubt that she’s his entire world. And the look in her eyes shows exactly what a great dad he is.

“Leah?”

Steve snaps me out of my reverie and I look at three expectant faces awaiting my answer to a pizza date. The pizza date from hell! But I’ll have to face him sooner or later so I may as well get it over with.

6
Steve

I’m not going to lie. I was in a dangerous protective daddy bear mode when I stuffed myself into that tiny blue desk. I was ready to fight it out for my daughter. I looked up to the opening door ready to be a very bad example in problem solving for my Abby, already working out my apology to her for my poor behavior. But then Leah walked in. I was so…confused. She has a son? A son who was mean to my daughter? Wait, our kids have been in the same class all year?! How the hell did I not know any of this?? Why the fuck didn’t she email me back? I can’t remember ever feeling this confused and angry over a woman before.

The meeting is surprisingly helpful. I think Abby needs more “girl time” with my mom and her reaction makes me worry about how to do this without Janie. While Abby’s teacher was genuinely supportive and encouraging, the older my daughter gets the more I worry that she will need things I can’t give to her. I try my hardest to explain “girl” things the way that Janie would have but I grew up on a farm with brothers so it’s definitely far from natural for me. I try though. One of her school friends was talking about getting a pedicure with her mom and Abby sounded jealous so I took her one weekend and we got them. Man that was weird, but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t enjoy it. Abby loved it, she giggled the whole time, even having to bend over and hold her belly laughing while I apologized profusely to the poor woman I almost kicked in the face because she tickled my foot. I think that she needs more of those kinds of things now that she’s getting older. Things I’ll have to learn to do but I don’t know how and I’m honestly scared to even approach them. How do I teach her to put makeup on? What do I say about periods? About, God forbid, sex?! Well. That’s an easy one though. She can’t date until she’s 35.

I need a beer.

Beer is likely the only possible redeeming value of this pizza date the kids insisted on. I’m excited about Abby hanging out with a friend but I could do without an awkward lunch with Leah. I’m not particularly happy about the arrangement either but Jesus, why is she leaving us here hanging while she’s in some sort of a daydream.

“Leah?”

She snaps out of her daze and looks at the three of us, standing and staring while we wait for her answer about lunch.

“Pizza sounds like a great idea, I’m starving!” Leah says as she grabs the kid’s hands and crosses the street. Abby is shy around people she doesn’t know but she doesn’t seem to be with Leah. She and Ethan grab Leah’s hands at the same time and Abby immediately starts chatting Leah’s ear off about her horse at the farm.

The meeting went well but it didn’t make me any less agitated. I know that it should have, but I couldn’t get past the fact that Leah was sitting next to me. Why the hell did she run and hide? I had fun. I very vividly remember that she did too. But it felt like more than that. I held her and felt, well, I felt something I can’t explain. Something that I can’t have been the only one to feel.

We get sat right away because it’s 430 in the afternoon and almost immediately the kids’ conversation about horses has turned into Abby inviting Leah and Ethan to the farm this summer. God, I love my daughter more than life itself but when exactly do children develop any sort of filter?! I don’t know how I’m going to make it through this lunch without asking Leah what happened, and I definitely am not ready to make plans to see her again. I especially am not ready to see her at my parent’s home.

As we wait for the waitress to come over and take our order, I’m only half paying attention to the conversation Leah and the kids are having. Apparently Leah used to own a horse named Buttercup and rode her for competitions. I can’t believe this woman. She’s sitting here, talking to my daughter, and treating me like last week never happened. Well, more like avoiding me but still acting like this isn’t the weirdest lunch date either of us have ever been on. She is all I could think about all week and I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s because I’ve never had a woman run off on me. Usually, they want to hang around or try to make more of our hook-up, but not with Leah and being on the opposite side of the situation has me losing my mind.

“Hi, my name is Megan and I’ll be your waitress today. Can I get you started with something to drink or are you ready to order?”

The arrival of our waitress startles me and I pull myself from my thoughts to place our order. I order a beer because I really need to relax and both kids order milk. Leah seems to be lost in her own thoughts and is only brought back to us when our waitress asks

“Would you like the same as your husband ma’am?”

“Huh…What? Oh umm…he’s not my husband and yes I’ll have the same. Thank

you,” she replies and the waitress nods, bored, and walks away. The kids immediately start shouting and begging to go play video games in the small arcade section that’s right across from us.

“Ok that’s fine, but only until the pizza gets here.”

I barely finish my sentence before the kids grab the $5 I’m holding out to them and take off. Leah and I sit in an uncomfortable silence for about two minutes before she starts making small talk, asking about work and Abby.

“Why did you leave?” I blurt out before I can stop myself. Her eyes go wide with surprise and I notice for the first time today how clear blue they are. She looks beautiful. She’s wearing jeans and tight pink shirt that shows just the slightest hint of cleavage. Her olive skin looks a little more tan than usual and the pink on her shirt matches her naturally pink lips and cheeks. Man, she’s breathtakingly beautiful even in her casual clothes. I notice her sit up straighter and she appears to be choosing her words carefully.

“Well,” she begins “we had a nice time last Friday and I didn’t want that awkward next morning conversation.”

“What? Are you serious right now?”

“Yes, I’m serious. Imagine if I had stayed, how would our conversation had gone in the morning? Steve, we barely know each other. We were both drunk and you’re my bosses friend and client. Why not just call it what it was? A one night stand.” She pauses and cocks her head to the side, taking another sip of her beer while evaluating before she says, “A really, really good one night stand.”

Well at least that question is answered. She thought it was really good. I can’t help my satisfied smile as I take another drink of beer.

“A one night stand? Isn’t that only when you never see the other person again? As you mentioned I’m Scott’s friend and client. Therefore, were bound to
keep
running into each other, Leah. Now, come to find out our kids are in the same class so were going to see each other even more. I don’t understand. I wasn’t that drunk and I had thought both of us enjoyed ourselves.”

I can feel all of the frustration of the week start to boil in my veins with this statement of a question. I hate how stupid I feel blurting this all out. I feel like the clingy one being blown off but I can’t seem to help it.

“First, Steve, you need to calm down.”

While I’m not a fan of this maternal patronizing, it makes me realize that my hands are clenched on the table. She just stares, with her scary lawyer scowl, until I sit back and take a deep breath before she continues.

“Second, as previously mentioned, I did have a very good time.”

She’s going into lawyer mode. I can see the wheels spinning as she puts her forehead on her hands and tries to sort her thoughts. When she looks back up at me, I think for the first time that there’s a chance she may be just as confused as I am.

“I don’t know why I left, Steve. Maybe it’s because things got really intense really quickly. Maybe it’s because I haven’t been with someone in a really long time. Maybe I panicked because random hookups aren’t something I’m well versed in. Or maybe it’s the fact that we
do
see each other quite a bit, that you’re my
bosses
client
and
friend and that I was slightly embarrassed about how I acted. Is that ok with you?”

She’s speaking in a low stern tone and her eyes narrow at me. “I’m sorry.” I don’t really know what to say. I was so caught up with feeling like it was something I did that I didn’t stop to think about how what it would be like for her.

“I haven’t said anything to Scott. I want you to know that I wouldn’t. I…I just didn’t expect to wake up and you not be there. It caught me off guard.”

“Thank you, I appreciate that. I’m sorry that I left, really Steve.”

Crap. I remember the conversation with Scott where he was nosing around trying to figure out what I needed with Leah. Double crap.

              “But, um, Scott did call me yesterday. I think that Kelly told him I was looking for you. I didn’t say anything but he kept pushing trying to figure out why I wanted you. I think that he figured it out, because, well, let’s face it. There probably aren’t a lot of things Scott can figure out more quickly than a “one night stand” as you so affectionately referred to our encounter.”

              Her eyes are wide as she stares at me trying to figure out what to say but she takes a deep breath, takes another sip of her beer, and with that our server arrives with our pizza and she calls the kids to the table. With that I know this conversation is over. I could see her close up when I talked about Scott and I know that I won’t get anything else out of her. But there’s so much more that I want to know. I honestly can’t remember ever feeling this, well, desperate for information. She was so reserved in our meeting with Mrs. Withers – I could see that she felt bad and I want to tell her again not to, that it’s not her fault, and that I understand. I want to know what’s up with Ethan’s dad. I want to know why she seems so afraid to open up to me. I want to, just, know her more. Unfortunately, it doesn’t appear today is the day for that.