Love, But Never (8 page)

“Now,” Matthew answered his eye suddenly dark and full of admiration, “I adore you.”

Before she could answer, Matthew kissed her again, his hands all over her body, peeling off clothing as he went. 

‘Don’t over think this, throw caution to the wind, like Susan said.  You’ve been together for a long time and you aren’t in high school anymore.  You want this, even if it didn’t go according to
your
plan.’ 
Marissa groaned softly against his lips, and she could feel currents of electricity surging in her legs.

“We have to be really quiet.  I care about you, I don’t want my dad to kill you,” she whispered.  He chuckled before he started to kiss her again, thinking she was joking.  Marissa wished she had been.

              ‘You want this to be with Matthew, you know he won’t hurt you.  It’s safe- OW!!  WAIT!!’
Marissa stopped moving, stopped returning Matthew’s kisses for a moment.  He looked deep into her eyes and waited.

‘…Wow, this feels good…REALLY good.’ 
And with that, she allowed herself to hand over control to her body and everything seemed to lock into place for her.  She’d never felt more in control of herself than she did at this moment.  Her heart didn’t change, though; she wasn’t in love with Matthew.  She’d never been more sure in her life.
‘Love, but never fall in love.’
She reminded herself.

**

To: RegretLingers

Subject: New fan

Date: March 19, 2000 19:25

From: Marissa Masterson

Hey guys!

I saw you for the second time this weekend at the Amazon.  You are amazing!  And not too hard on the eyes, if I do say so myself.  If you have a mailing list for shows, please add me to it!

^Marissa

Marissa hit send and smiled to herself.  She’d waited a whole day after putting Matthew on the shuttle home before succumbing to her desires to send an email to Regret Lingers.  There was so much more she’d wanted to say in the email, but didn’t want to come off as a crazy fan girl.  Less than two minutes later, she heard the ping of her instant message program.

KSmith:
Hey!  Thanks for the email.

Holy shit!
  Kyle from Regret Lingers was IMing her?

MMasterson:
You’re welcome!  Is this Kyle? We met at the show.  I was with my boyfriend, Matthew- bleach blonde hair, spiky.

KSmith:
I remember him, but I remember you more.  Red-head, blue eyes, legs that don’t quit?

MMasterson:
I don’t know about the legs, but yeah, that’s me.

KSmith:
I hope you don’t mind me saying, but you are beautiful.

Marissa blushed at the compliment.

MMasterson:
Thank you.  As I mentioned in the email, you are quite the looker yourself.

KSmith:
Thanks, but I think I saw you looking more at Aaron than me.  I think the feeling is mutual.

MMasterson:
OH!  That’s surprising; I didn’t see him looking at me at all.

KSmith:
Then you are blind.  You should send him a message.  His screen name is AAndrews.  I’m sure he’d love to hear from you.

MMasterson:
Thanks? I’ll add him to my buddy list.  What are you up to tonight?

KSmith:
Not too much, you?

MMasterson:
Heading to a showing of ‘American Beauty’ alone tonight.  They rereleased it since it won the Oscar last month.  I love it.

KSmith:
Alone? I’ve wanted to see it, but haven’t gotten the chance to go yet.  Mind if I meet you there?

MMasterson:
That sounds great!  As long as you remember that I do have a boyfriend…ish.

KSmith:
Of course!  I want to get to know you, be your friend.  Seriously.  I have a girlfriend.

MMasterson:
Sounds great then.  Sorry, I didn’t mean to be so forward about motives and all that. Movie starts at 9, the theatre across the freeway from the mall.

KSmith:
Great!  No problems on the forwardness.  I’ll see you then.

‘What just happened?’
Marissa laughed to herself. 
‘Should I call Matthew to let him know I’m going to the movies with the drummer from Regret Lingers?’
She decided that since it wasn’t some kind of date, it wasn’t necessary.  After all, she didn’t tell him when she went out with John.  She walked to her closet to find something to wear.

‘Am I being screened for Aaron?’
  Marissa wondered as she tried to piece together the perfect outfit to make sure she passed whatever test Kyle would throw at her, just in case. 
‘I’m not available for Aaron right now, but who knows what’ll happen when I come home on leave…’
Marissa’s thoughts trailed off and she smiled to herself.

CHAPTER 6

April 2000

              Two weeks after the movie, Marissa was back at the Amazon for the “My Year Abroad” show.  Regret Lingers wasn’t on the flyer as an opening band, so she decided to meet Lucian there, figuring the chances of running into certain band members would be minimal.

“Hey Marissa!” Marissa heard from behind her.  She turned to find herself face to face with Kyle, being pulled into a bear hug.

              “Hey Kyle!” She answered against his shoulder.  He pulled back and gestured toward Aaron, who was standing next to him.

              “This is Aaron, Aaron, this is Marissa,” he introduced them; Marissa felt a blush creep across her face.

              “It’s nice to meet you,” she muttered, shyly, lifting her blue eyes to his near onyx colored eyes and giving him an awkward wave.  As she looked into his eyes, the energy shifted between them and she felt drawn to him.  Her breath caught and she tried to smile like she was unaffected by their meeting.

              “You, too.  Kyle says you saw us at the Scruffy show?” Aaron smiled at her, brightly.

              “Yeah, and the Fenix Tx show in February,” she offered, twirling her finger through one of her pigtails.  She wore the braided pigtails when the rare humidity brought on by an even rarer Arizona rainstorm made her hair unruly.  Though she knew that she was fulfilling a certain fantasy, she did it so her hair would look presentable, not for the hard-ons she knew it would bring to most males in her general area.

              “That’s great!  We have a show in the basement next week, you should come,” he said, his eyes suddenly narrowed and he took a step back when Marissa felt a hand on the small of her back.

              “Ris, the band’s about to start, wanna find a spot closer?” Lucian asked, pulling on one of her braided pig tails that were settled against her shoulders.

              “That’s sounds great,” Marissa smiled at him, before turning back to Kyle and Aaron.  “It was great to see you again, Kyle.  Aaron, it was great to meet you!  I’ll see you next week, probably.” She turned to let Lucian guide her closer to the stage.

              “Who was that?” Lucian asked in her ear when they got to the opposite side of the stage.

              “Kyle and Aaron.  They are in Regret Lingers.  I’m surprised they’re here, they aren’t one of the opening bands tonight,” Marissa answered, she turned to yell in his ear and caught sight of Aaron over Lucian’s shoulder, staring at them with a look on his face she’d never seen before. 
‘Is that jealousy?’
She asked herself. 
‘It can’t be.”
She shook the thoughts out of her head and turned back to the stage.

              After the first band performed, Lucian announced he needed to take a trip to the restroom.

              “Stay right here so I can find you this time!” He yelled over the crowd and Marissa nodded her agreement.  He hadn’t been gone more than ten seconds when she felt someone behind her.

              “That was fast!” She yelled turning to who she thought was Lucian, but found Aaron’s face just inches from hers.  “Oh!  I thought you were Lucian, sorry.” She blushed.

              “It’s okay.  I wanted to see if you’d thought about coming to the show next week, Wednesday to be specific?  We have a guest list, if you want me to put you on it?”

              “That would be great!” she gushed.

              “Should I put…Luke?... on the list, too?” his tone was sharper with this question.

              “Lucian,” she corrected, “and probably not, Lucian usually closes on Wednesday nights.”

              “Sounds good,” Aaron’s eyes seemed to be smiling at her with the information.  “But let Kyle know if anything changes,” he said before putting his hand in the small of her back and whispering, “I love your hair, by the way.” Flashing her a breath-taking grin, she felt it- lightning, and it rocked her to her core.  She couldn’t stop herself from shaking slightly from the contact.

              “I will.  Thank you,” She smiled, shyly, as Aaron turned to walk back to his friends when Lucian returned.

Marissa tried to focus on getting her breathing back under her control.  She’d never felt that before, ever, and Marissa was petrified.  She knew she should steer clear of Aaron, but something inside her began to doubt if she could. 
‘Passion like lightning…’
The words of her mother echoing in her head again. 
‘Thank goodness it’s only me that feels it,’
she thought to herself, looking to Lucian.

              “You will what?” Lucian asked.

              “He offered to put me on the list for next week’s show and asked if you’d be coming, too.”

              “I think that boy would like to spend some time in your knickers, doll,” Lucian smirked, as his eyes drifted to where Aaron was standing.  Marissa recognized Lucian’s shocked face before he turned his eyes back to her.  “Maybe it’s not just your knickers he’s interested in…”

              “Oh whatever, Lucian,” Marissa blushed and tried to dispel that Aaron was remotely interested in her, when the next band started up, drowning out her thoughts.

AAndrews:
Marissa?

‘Aaron? Why’s he IMing me?’
Marissa asked herself.

MMasterson:
Yes?

AAndrews:
Kyle gave me your screen name, I hope you don’t mind.

MMasterson:
Of course not!  He gave me yours, too.

AAndrews:
Crazy, what’s he trying to say?

MMasterson:
I have no idea… It was nice meeting you at the My Year Abroad show the other night.

AAndrews:
Yeah, you, too.  Was that your boyfriend I met with you?

MMasterson:
Smooth

AAndrews:
Kyle told me you have a boyfriend.  I wasn’t prying.

MMasterson:
Oh.

MMasterson:
No, that wasn’t him.  He lives in Benson and only visits on weekends.

AAndrews:
That’s got to be tough.

‘Awww, does he really care or is he looking to be an ‘in between guy’?’
Marissa wondered.

MMasterson:
Are you offering me comfort? Or “Comfort?”

AAndrews:
Like Southern Comfort?

Marissa chuckled.

AAndrews:
I was just wondering.

MMasterson:
It’s just the way it is.

MMasterson:
We are both leaving in a few months, so we try to keep things light.

AAndrews:
Where are you going?

MMasterson:
I’m leaving for Navy boot camp at the end of May.

‘Didn’t I tell Kyle this?’
Marissa pondered.

AAndrews:
I think I remember Kyle saying something about that the other night.

AAndrews:
Keep things light? Does that mean non-exclusive?

MMasterson:
  No, we are exclusive until I leave at the end of May.  But we agreed that would be it.

AAndrews:
But then you’ll be gone, but single?  Are you sure that’ll just be the end of it?

Marissa could almost hear the whining through the computer screen.

MMasterson:
  I’m sure it’ll be the end of it.  He’s leaving for college after that, we aren’t stupid enough to think what we have is forever.  It works for right now.

MMasterson:
Besides, I’ll be back sometimes.  And when I am, I’ll
always
come to your shows.

Marissa smiled and hoped that he knew she was flirting.

AAndrews:
I hope so…then we can make plans to hang out…

MMasterson:
Oh really?  And what would we do?

AAndrews:
What would you
want
to do with me?

MMasterson:
So forward, we’ve only just met *batting eyelashes*

‘Please get that I’m flirting and not being creepy,’
Marissa thought.

AAndrews:
Well then, I suppose I should tell you that I think you are breathtaking.

Marissa blushed as she read his words, hoping they weren’t just a line.

AAndrews:
I know what you think about me, I read the email, too.

Marissa’s blush deepened, glad he wasn’t in the room with her.

MMasterson:
  Then I suppose you have some ideas of your own of what you’d want to do with me…

AAndrews:
It definitely would be in the R-rated category if someone made a movie about it.

MMasterson:
Only R? I was hoping for, at least, an NC-17?