Love, But Never (7 page)

              “You’re right…I think it’s a denial thing.  I think it’s more that you are younger and are getting there first?  I think he thought he and Ellen would’ve already been there, considering she’d gone there with three other guys…”

              “So, you’re saying he’s feeling left behind?  Seriously?  Guys feel like that?”

              “Guys, no…John, definitely,” Lucian laughed.

              “So Saturday? Fenix Tx?” Marissa asked again, hopeful, changing the subject.

              “I’ll go with you,” Lucian conceded.

              “YAY!” Marissa grinned.  “I’ll pick you up at seven!”

              “See you then,” he replied, flatly before ending their call.

**

              By the time Marissa and Lucian found a place to park at the Amazon Theatre and produced their tickets, the first band was well underway.  They weren’t bad, they weren’t great either.

              “I’ve seen this band before,” Lucian yelled in Marissa’s ear.  “They’ve actually gotten better,” he laughed at Marissa’s sour face.

              “This is only my third concert, ever.  I went to a couple of oldies shows with a friend and her parents.  In high school, remember?”

              “Oh, yes!  I can’t believe your parents never let you go to shows!  It’s no wonder you were looking forward to this one,” Lucian grasped her shoulders and pulled her through the crowd toward the speakers.  “You need to experience this!” He yelled just as the first band finished its set.

              “Can we stay away from the pit though?  I don’t want to push anyone off me or end up with a black eye.”

              “Of course, princess,” Lucian bowed, mockingly, “I wasn’t going to throw you to the lions, I promise.”

              “Thanks,” Marissa laughed as the next band took the stage.  She was captivated by the man who walked to the microphone.

              “How’s everyone doing tonight?!” he yelled to the screaming audience, a faction of girls elbowing their way to the foot of the stage.  He lifted a guitar strap over his head and tapped his foot and head in rhythm to the lead guitar player beside him before joining in.  Marissa’s breath caught in her throat as his eyes scanned the crowd and landed on hers.  He seemed to freeze momentarily before continuing the song he was playing.  Marissa wondered if she’d imagined the moment, or if that was part of the song.

              “They aren’t bad,” Lucian leaned over and yelled into her ear and Marissa nodded in return.  She started to jump with the crowd and lost herself in the music of the band, staring at their lead singer, the air electrified around her.

              “Ris?” Lucian tried to get her attention as the band finished its’ final song.

              “Huh?”

              “I’ve been trying to get your attention since the second song, where were you?”

              “Oh, sorry.  They were amazing, weren’t they?”

              “Pretty good!  Especially for a local group,” he agreed.

              “They’re local?  As in Arizona or local as in Phoenix Metro?”

              “I have no clue.  I’m sure we can find out though, what are they called?”

              “I don’t know!” Marissa said, pulling out her ticket stub. 

              “Damn, only has top billing,” Lucian said.  “That makes it more likely that they are local.  They usually put any bands touring with them on the tickets.”

              “Matthew and I are coming to two shows here next month…if he can get the weekend off for real!  I haven’t seen him since January,” Marissa paused, pondering their long absence from each other, before adding, “Maybe they’ll play one of those shows?”

              “You seem only too hopeful, Marissa.  Are you sure it’s just the music you’re interested in?” Lucian teased.

              “OF COURSE!” Marissa answered, too forcefully, before turning her attention to the headlining band, rocketing to the stage.  A grin burst from her lips and she started to squeal.

              “Okay, chill out,” Lucian laughed as the band started their set with
Speechless
.  Marissa let the music wash over her as she got the hang of being next to the pit, giving the stage her rapt attention, again.

CHAPTER 5

March 2000

“So with Matthew visiting this weekend, do you think this is
the
weekend?” Susan asked, lowering her voice so the entire courtyard didn’t hear.

              “I don’t know.  I’m definitely ready, but it depends if we get a chance.  My truck is far too small for things like that,” Marissa chuckled.  “Besides, I don’t think I want my first time to be in the cab of my truck.” She frowned slightly at the thought.

              “If you do this, do you still think you’ll be able to walk away from him in May?”

              “Definitely.  I know so many girls who say ‘My first time was horrible, I got my heart broken, blah, blah, blah.’ And I know it’s not like that with Matthew.  I love him, for sure, but I’m not
in
love with him.  I know he’d never hurt me,” she replied, straightening her spine with every word.

              “And what about your high school sweetheart?” Susan raised an eyebrow.

              “Oh yes, Nathan…” Marissa started thoughtfully, “I can’t lie and say that I never thought about being with him first, but I know he has the power to hurt me.”

              “Still, you were or are in love with Nathan.  Don’t you want your first time to be with someone you are
in
love with?  Isn’t that why John was never your first?”

              “No,” Marissa laughed, “John has this ideal of the perfect love and the perfect first time.  He’s more of a woman than I am about having sex.”

              “I see,” Susan said, contemplating the information.

              “Matthew and I have been building to this for the last six or so months, or even for nearly two years now.  Maybe we can get a hotel room on Saturday after the movie?  I’ve got some money saved.  My bedroom or the couch would be too risky, I think.  I’ve got a great new mattress, but my dad would come
unhinged
if he caught us.  There would be no where I could hide,” Marissa chewed on her bottom lip in thought and shivered at the thought of her father catching them.

              “The only thought you need to put into this weekend is remembering to take your pill every day and picking up some condoms.  Everything else should fall into place, don’t over plan it like you tend to do with everything else.  Seriously, Marissa, go with the flow, wasn’t that part of the reason for the new mattress in the first place,” Susan offered, raising her eye brow. 

              “HA! You are asking
ME
to be spontaneous?  We’ve only been friends for a few months, but you know that’s just not me!”

              “Throw caution to the wind!  Try it, you might find that you love it.”

              “I’ll see what I can do, Susan,” Marissa smirked in disbelief.

              “Besides, you are nearly nineteen.  And if your dad comes after you, you seriously need to call the police.  You know you are always welcome to stay with me if things get too bad,” Susan laid a comforting hand on Marissa’s arm, her brown eyes glowing with concern for Marissa’s welfare.

              “I know.  It’s just that I don’t want my mom to be caught in the middle,” she sighed.

              “Then just make sure to be extra quiet?” Susan conceded.

              “Like I said, I’ll see what I can do.”

**

The beginning chords drew Marissa’s eyes to the stage.

‘It’s them!’
She screamed in her head as her eyes came to rest on the lead singer of the band that had just started its set. ‘
He’s so beautiful.  What is the name of this band?’

“Who is this?” Matthew leaned in and asked her, as if reading her mind.

“I don’t know, but I saw them perform here last month, when you couldn’t come for a visit. I love them. We HAVE to get their CD this time!” Marissa gushed into Matthew’s ear, still staring at the lead singer.

“I’m sorry I missed them last time,” Matthew said, shifting to look directly into Marissa’s deep blue eyes, “And you.”  He pulled her in for a long kiss, his tongue pushing into her mouth. Marissa closed her eyes and returned his kiss, twirling her tongue with his.  When they pulled apart, she was breathless.

“It’s been a long two months, Marissa.  I’ve missed you. I’m so glad I’m here, finally.” He continued pulling her closer to him so she could feel just how much he’s missed her, his hands in her shoulder-length copper hair.  Marissa pushed away from him, as cheers from the crowd came from around them and the band started its next song.

Turning her attention back to the stage, she was flushed and excited from the kiss, but still drawn in by the music, and who happened to be singing it.  His determined face, guitar at his hips, legs shoulder-width apart, his black hair and dark eyes, the emotion in his voice, singing to the audience- like he was pouring his soul into every note, every syllable of his lyrics, and again, she was breathless.  He was tall, muscular, rugged, incredibly attractive, and seemed to have quite the entourage, as a gaggle of girls, again, stood at his feet in front of the stage.  They looked as if they’d swallow him whole if he stepped off the stage right now, and he seemed to smirk at the thought, his charisma evident from his performance. 

Marissa ripped her eyes from the lead singer and took in the rest of the band she’d loved so much last time she was here.  The bassist and lead guitarist were attractive, but unremarkable in comparison.  The only band member that rivaled the looks of the lead singer was the drummer.  He was glistening with sweat covering his naked chest, which was nicely chiseled.  He had dark blonde hair and had a furrowed brow as he concentrated on the song he was playing.

The Amazon Theatre was a decent sized venue hidden in the middle of downtown Mesa, which served as an industrial rock club late nights on the weekends.  Marissa looked up to the high ceiling and let the music wash over her.  The floor was packed with concert-goers of all ages, with various people leaning against the walls, which were dingy and gross.  Near the entrance to the concert area, there was a place for beer and water.  The bands had their merchandise tables set up next to the beer, where they were sure to get business.

This was the first of two concerts she and Matthew had tickets to at the Amazon that weekend.  The first was one of her favorite bands, Scruffy, and the second was to one of his favorite bands, Humidor.  Marissa was sure that this group was local now.   She just didn’t know what part of the state they called home.

‘BREATHE!’
she yelled at herself, not realizing that she was holding her breath as she watched them. 

“Want to go find their merch table?” Matthew yelled in her ear, as the band finished the last song of their set, “Maybe they’ll come out after they get their equipment off stage and you can talk to the lead singer, since you were paying more attention to him than me,” he finished, sounding more jealous than she’d ever heard him.

“Let’s go check it out, but I was paying attention to the band, not just him, honey,” Marissa lied, “You know how much I adore you!”

“I adore you, too,” he said, with relief. 

“Maybe we should make more time for visits so I don’t forget that,” she warned, looking into his deep brown eyes, before planting another toe curling kiss on his lips.

**

“Are you excited you got to meet the drummer of Regret Lingers?” Matthew asked as they walk, quietly, into her parents’ house after the concert.

“Yes! I love their CD!” Marissa whispered, excitedly.  ‘
I’m even more excited to email them after Matthew leaves to let them know how much I love them.’
Marissa smiled to herself.

“I didn’t get that from the way we
had
to listen to it three times on the way home,” Matthew laughed.  “I’m not tired; want to watch a movie in your bedroom?” he asked, suddenly nervous.

“Sure.
American Pie?
”

“Sounds perfect.”

They made their way to her small bedroom, closing the door and turning off the lights behind them.  It was well after midnight and the entire house was quiet, her parents and brother had long been asleep.  Marissa tried hard to be extra quiet until her television was turned on. 

‘I may be over 18, and my parents have allowed to Matthew to spend the weekend…on the couch, but I don’t want to deal with my dad knowing that we are watching a movie in my bed, even though we’ve never…’
Marissa looked over to Matthew on her long twin bed and her thoughts went out the window seeing a look on his face she’d never seen before.

She turned on the movie and lay down with him, her fingertips grazing his thigh.  She heard his breathing speed up.

“Marissa, we’ve been in this relationship for almost 2 years now, right?” he asked, tentatively.

“It’s been long distance, but yes, it’s been nearly 2 years,” she confirmed.

“And you are leaving for the Navy in a little over 2 months.”

‘Is he going where I think he is with this?’
She just nodded.

“I’m leaving for college, and we probably won’t be together after that.  I’ll be in Sacramento, then upstate New York.  And you’ll be… I don’t know. And we’ve only ever- I mean, we’ve never—I mean, you’ve never and I’ve never, either.”

‘HE IS!’
Marissa turned on her side to face him, looking into his vibrant brown eyes.

“You want to be my first?” she asked, her eyes wide.  She was amazed that he was the one to bring this up.

“I want
you
to be
my
first,” he answered, shaking his head, running his hand through his bleach blonde hair nervously.

Marissa gasped and, slowly nodded.  Suddenly, his mouth was on hers, kissing her lovingly, but passionately. Marissa pushed him away, her hand on his chest.

“Now?!” she whispered, worried that her parents or brother would wake up and hear them.