Love, But Never (5 page)

**

              Hours later, Marissa woke up on the floor of her bedroom.  She could hear the flurry of activity outside of her bedroom.

              “Did you get the socks you need Jared?” she heard her mom ask as she peeked out of her door.

              “Yes, mom, I got them.”

              “Marissa!  Thank goodness you are up again!  Jared is leaving tonight with Uncle Ryan and the kids.  They are driving to Ohio for the services and they rented a large van.  I have to work tomorrow, or we’d all be going in the van,” her mom said.

              “I have to work tonight and tomorrow.  I’m supposed to work Saturday, too, but I think I can get out of it.  How are we going to get there?”  She asked.

              “Your dad and I were thinking we’d fly one way then drive back in the van.  Do you have the money to do that?”

              “Not really, but I do have some money on my credit card, I think.”
‘That I was trying to pay down to buy myself a better mattress.’
Marissa added in her head.

              “Great!  We’ll book a flight later today.  Last minute tickets are expensive, but we’ll try to find the best deal.”

              “Where’s dad?  I thought he was on his way home earlier,” Marissa asked.

              “He was, but he decided he needed to work today, so that he could take the rest of the week off without issues,” her mom explained.

              “Is that a good idea?” Marissa wondered out loud.

              “That’s none of your business!” Jared snorted at her. “And why do I have to ride in a stinky van while Marissa gets to fly?  That’s not fair!”

              “Your dad and I don’t have the money to pay for your ticket, and Marissa is paying for her own way.”

              “So?  Can’t Marissa pay for my ticket, too?” he pushed.

              “I barely have enough room on my credit card for my ticket, Jared.  You work, too.  Don’t you have any money saved?” Marissa asked.

              “No, you know I only make enough to pay for my car.”

              “You make more than that, you just spend it like it was burning a hole in your pocket,” Marissa spat back.

              “No, I don’t!  You need to ride with Uncle Ryan.  Let me use your credit card to fly with mom and dad,” he tried to rationalize.

              “No! You already had this week off anyway, for some reason.  I have to work.  I have to make my truck payment next week.”

              “Are you sure, Marissa?” her mom asked. “I’m sure Jared would figure out a way to pay you back.”

              “No, mom, I can’t buy Jared a plane ticket and spend two days in a van with Uncle Ryan and Aunt Stephanie.  It’s out of the question.  You have to allow me
some
boundaries!  It is my credit card, after all,” Marissa turned on her heel and escaped into her bedroom again.  

**

              Marissa and her parents pulled into the funeral home in Circleville, Ohio.  The first time they’d set foot in Ohio since they moved back to Arizona in 1994.  Marissa couldn’t believe how surreal it felt.  The ice and snow surrounding them didn’t help the feeling that something wasn’t quite right.

              “She’s not supposed to be gone,” her dad said from the front seat.  “Something is wrong here and I’m going to find out what it is.”

              Her dad had been lamenting through cryptic phrases like this since he got home the night everyone found out that Aunt Carla had passed away.  Marissa stepped out of their rental car and smoothed out her black slacks.  She wasn’t ready for this, but she took a deep breath and followed her parents through the doors of the funeral home.  As soon as she was through the doors, she could hear her grandmother sobbing uncontrollably from her wheelchair with her arms around Uncle Ryan.

              “How could this have happened, Ryan?  Why isn’t she here anymore?” she wailed.  Marissa’s heart sank.  Her grandma was a shadow of herself.  She was once a formidable woman, but now, she looked feeble and unkempt. 

When her grandfather was alive, her grandmother who would always have her hair in a perfect beehive, with absolutely no grays, with the best designer clothes from department stores, impeccable make up from specialty shops, and semi-custom jewelry from boutique stores.  Real jewels dripped from rings on every finger, her neck, her wrists and her ears.  Now, just more than sixteen months since her grandfather had passed away, her grandmother looked destitute with a limp beehive littered with gray hairs, last season’s clothes and without a stitch of makeup or jewelry.  Marissa, cautiously, approached her grandmother and leaned down to give her a hug.

              “Oh, Marissa, darling!  How could this have happened?  She’s just so young!” her grandmother wept against her shoulder.

              “I know, grandma, we’re all shocked and upset.  I’m going to miss her,” Marissa patted her back, sullenly.

              “Thank you, honey.  You know, I always loved you just as much as the other grandkids,” her grandmother gave her a brittle smile that puzzled Marissa before adding, “Where’s your brother?  Can you get him for me?” she asked Marissa, with a final pat on her head.

              “Sure, I’ll try to find him, grandma,” Marissa backed away, knowing she’d been dismissed in favor of her brother, again.  She knew she’d come from a patriarchal family, but didn’t anyone really care that she was there to help, too?  And what did she mean,
as much as the other grandkids? 
She found Jared and pointed him in their grandmother’s direction and found a seat in the lobby out of the way.

              “What are you doing over here? You didn’t come to say hi to me,” Marissa’s blue eyes looked into the sad hazel eyes of her cousin, Talon.

              “I’m really sorry for your loss, Talon,” Marissa said, standing to hug Talon stiffly.

              “I think you can show more sympathy than that.  Can’t you?” Marissa felt him squeeze her behind, and she tried to pull from the embrace.

              “Let me go, Talon.  You don’t want someone to see you behaving this way with me,” she warned, trying to keep the bile in her throat from rising.

              “How is that, Marissa?  Like a cousin comforting the son of the deceased?  My mother is gone, don’t you even care?” Talon whispered in her ear, but moved his hand to the small of her back as their Uncle Ryan passed by, but did not release his grip on her.

              “Of course, I care,” Marissa started to push him away again. “I loved your mother, you know that, but this is inappropriate and sick.  We’re related,” she whispered through clenched teeth before, finally, successfully disengaging herself from Talon.

              “Whatever, Ris.  You didn’t used to think that way.”

              “I was six when you started this.  I thought I was being a good cousin.  I had no idea, but I’m eighteen now and I know better,” she glared.

              “I’m well aware that you’ve grown up, believe me. But are you sure you know better?  I was hoping you’d help me get through this grief,” he cast his eyes downward and his shoulders slumped in obvious pain over his mother’s death.  Beyond the disgust she felt for him, Marissa felt the pull of sympathy for his loss.

              “Of course, I’ll be there for you and Dakota.  We’re family, but not the way you are hoping for, believe me.  The thought alone makes me nauseous.”

              “When did you start thinking you were better than me, Ris?” he grabbed her arm and started to pull her toward an empty viewing room. “I just want to touch you again, like we used to, I want you to help me forget that my mother isn’t coming back.” His other hand trailed down her body, and Marissa felt bile rise in the back of her throat as she tried to jerk back from his fingers searching her body.

              “You are sick.  You need help.  If you want help with your grief, I’m sure Uncle James will take you to a counselor.  I won’t be your refuge,” she spat, finally breaking free from his embrace.

              “Talon, Marissa, the viewing is about to start.  We need you to join the rest of the family in the first row,” her Uncle Ryan interrupted them and Marissa started to cry in relief.  Talon, reluctantly, released her arm and they walked, silently, toward their families.  Marissa took her place next to her parents and Jared, while Talon sat next to his sister and father.

              The family spent the next two hours greeting and thanking the nearly hundreds of people who came to see Carla and to deliver flowers for the funeral services the following day.  Marissa watched Dakota cling to her boyfriend, sobbing nearly constantly through the viewing.  She wanted to escape, to run.  Being in a room like this with her family and an open casket containing the remains of an aunt who’d always been there for her was too much.

              The following day, the funeral home was packed for her Aunt’s services.  Marissa’s heart swelled at the thought that so many people would spend their New Years Eve saying goodbye to someone who was so generous and loving to everyone in her life.  Marissa wondered if she could ever live up to her aunt’s legacy. Would she ever touch as many lives when it was her turn to be memorialized?  She hoped so.

Marissa watched her grandmother grieve loudly and openly, as she had to be pulled from her Aunt Carla’s body before the service.  She was horrified when her Aunt’s body had to be straightened and placed correctly in the coffin after her grandmother was wheeled out of the funeral home. 

Dabbing at her own tears, Marissa made the mistake of looking to her father.  He sat, stoically, listening to the service.  As if he felt her watching, he turned his eyes to hers as a tear slid down her cheek.  Instead of letting his gaze soften, he gave her a disapproving look.

“Why the hell are
you
crying?” he whispered, harshly. “
You
didn’t lose
your
sister.  You have no right to grieve.  You need to stop this now.  You know better than this, showing emotion in public is a sign of weakness,” Marissa began to take deep breaths to stop her tears, and turned away from her father’s line of sight for the remainder of the service.

Trying to avoid the receiving line as she and her parents left the service to head to the cemetery, she held her mother’s hand, but stood back as the family hugged her Uncle and cousins.  Her mother wouldn’t let her dismiss comforting the family that easily though as she practically shoved Marissa into Dakota for a hug.

“I’m so sorry for your loss, Dakota.  I’m so glad Gideon is here for you,” she hugged her tightly, as Dakota seemed to cling to her.

“Thank you so much, Marissa.  I’ve missed you so much.  I wish we’d seen each other again under better circumstances,” Dakota whispered before releasing her down the line to Talon.

Talon didn’t hesitate to pull Marissa in for a deep embrace.  “I’m so glad you are here,” he said, before pulling away again, allowing his hand to graze her breast “on accident.”  Marissa cringed back, swiftly and turned to hug her Uncle.

“Thank you for coming,” he hugged her, stiffly.

“I’m sorry for your loss, Uncle James,” Marissa squeezed his hand before following her parents to their rental car for the processional.

Following the grave side service, her father decided it was time to get some answers about what had happened to his sister.  Marissa paled as he pulled the car to a stop at the corner where Aunt Carla’s car careened off the road, without stopping, and flew into the neighboring field.

“It doesn’t even look like she tried to put on the brake,” her father observed the asphalt before walking into the barren field, his family in tow.

“She wasn’t wearing a seat belt, so when she hit the hill on the side of the road, she was ejected,” he narrated as he searched the ground for the debris from the accident.  “The field had to feel like concrete to her.  It’s freezing.”  He stopped near pieces of scattered glass and a piece of a tail light when Marissa saw what she’d dreaded when they made this masochistic journey, the blood.

“This isn’t nearly enough blood,” her mother observed, quietly.  “Was she dead before she was ejected?  Carla had a history of heart disease, didn’t she?”

“You think she had a heart attack?” her father asked.

“It’s possible, isn’t it?”

“I suppose, but I thought she was getting help for that.  At least, that’s what mom said.”

“Maybe it didn’t work?  I mean, Carla worked two jobs and was constantly stressed out,” her mother pointed out.

“I know, but she can’t have died this way,” her father paused.  “Let’s go look at the car, there might be something more there.” Marissa froze, not wanting to continue on this path with her father.

“Marissa, you need to get your ass back into this car before I throw you in there myself,” her father warned, his voice more angry, but calm as he grabbed her arm and shoved her toward the car.  Marissa tripped and tried to brace herself as her shoulder crashed into the side of the open door.  Too shocked to cry, she slumped into the back seat and rubbed the bruise she knew was currently forming under her jacket.

She did everything she could for the remainder of the trip to make sure he didn’t even notice she was there, by anticipating what he might ask her to do, before he thought to ask it.  Luckily, after the funeral, Marissa was able to avoid being around Talon again.  She couldn’t wait to get back home.  The thought surprised her.  She realized that even if she wasn’t completely safe, she was more comfortable in Arizona than Ohio, because she knew what to expect and what was expected of her. 

When it was time to make the long drive back to Arizona, she sat in the back of the van and stayed quiet and out of the way.  Sometimes it worked, but other times, he looked for something to lash out about.  When they finally returned home, Marissa had never been so grateful to slink into her room and close her door in imagined privacy.  No matter how fleeting it might be, before someone needed to use the computer occupying a desk in her bedroom.

              “Marissa!” She heard her mother call less than two hours after they’d finally reached home.  “John’s here!”