Love Blind (17 page)

“Why do you hate my list again?” I asked as I slumped in the passenger's seat.

“It's like a bucket list, Hailey. And it makes you even more reckless than you already are. You don't need anything else to fuel your crazy.” She poked my shoulder and chuckled. “Also, the list is little more than a bunch of dares. I get into enough trouble without daring myself to do crap I shouldn't be doing. At the same time, I miss that side of you.”

“So that's why you're helping me?” I asked.

“Yes. Also, I'm your friend.” She shrugged. “Once again, simplistic inspiration came from one of the spawn.”

“Oh, brilliant. More tarantulas? The item only needs to be crossed off the list once, you know.”

“Not spiders,” Tess promised. “And it'll be a hell of a lot better than losing your virginity to Chaz in the greenroom.”

She was correct on that count. It certainly couldn't be worse.

Tess stopped her car by the community center near her house.

“What are we doing here?”

“I've got swimsuits. We're getting in the water.”

I shook my head. “No way. Not in the dark.”

“No one else is here, Hailey.” Tess even used her best
no-bullshit voice. “I pulled a lot of strings to get us an in.”

“What kind of strings?”

She sighed. “Flipped up my shirt for the new lifeguard, okay?”

I scoffed and got out of the car. “Guys are so easy.”

Unless they're really not interested . . .

◊ ◊ ◊

I sat on the edge of the pool, resting my feet in the water. This was what I'd always done at the pool. Kicking in the water was fine. Being in deep enough that my body could pull me under and suffocate me? Not so cool.

Tess did another somersault in the chlorinated water. The empty bleachers stretched out on one side. The lights reflected off and in the water. The edges of everything blurred together, which was what had always made me paranoid. How would I know which way was up when I was underwater? How would I get air if I couldn't tell?

“Now slide down one step, okay?” Tess said.

The steps were small, made for children, and the full width of the pool. I slipped down one, letting my butt rest in the water, and then another, sinking in to my belly button, and then another, which reached the top of my chest.

I focused on breathing. On realizing that my shoulders weren't underwater. No one was around to push me. I was okay.

“How about we stop for the night?” Tess suggested. “Sit there for a few or something.”

“And who will you flash to get us in here again?” I teased, still staring at the water, trying to make out the point where the air ended and the water began.

No luck.

“Nice one, Hailey.” Tess snorted. “But I might kind of like the lifeguard, so we'll see. . . .”

“Oh, yeah?”

“Yeah. Maybe. Who knows.”

I breathed through my nose. If I could sit underwater, I'd feel like I could cross this off, but I couldn't do it. How could I suddenly be so paranoid that I couldn't jump in and get this done?

Tess's blurry face bobbed up and down in deeper water.

I didn't want to feel like my fear was pathetic, but sitting on the edge of the kiddie steps, with my friend doing underwater somersaults, it was hard not to.

I hated admitting the Chaz thing had really knocked me down, though maybe not as much as the Kyle thing. I had to get out of my own head. Was this what it was like to be Kyle? Maybe I needed notebooks.

◊ ◊ ◊

Since I was obviously not smart enough to make decisions regarding relationships, I decided to remain single until at least the end of junior year. I'd marked sex and tongue-kissing off the list, and really didn't want another Chaz mess, or pissed-off moms, or another doctor examining me in stirrups only to say
that I was lucky enough to have joined the millions of people across the world with HPV. Apparently condoms aren't one hundred percent on that front. Damn lazy health teacher.

Yes. My summer was going
that
well. I'd made it to standing in the pool about shoulder deep, and every time I stood there, I thought that would be the day I'd let the water cover me, and every day, I ended up back on the steps.

I'd turned into a chicken, and I hated that more than anything else in my life. School was about to start, and I still didn't feel like I could cross this one thing off my list. Pathetic.

T
wo weeks into my senior year, I saw her. Sort of inevitable now that we were on the same campus, but I was taking classes at Concordia University half my days, so I thought I could maybe avoid her. Too many days had passed. Weeks. Time.

In the hallway, she looked at me long and hard. Her messed-up eyes finally dropped to my feet.

“Acquaintance Kyle, who became Friend Kyle, who became Drop-the-Ball Kyle. You're still wearing the shoes?” A corner of her mouth twitched like she wanted to smile. God, I wanted her to smile.

Her hair was split into two braids behind her ears. Guitar strapped to her back and no makeup—simple Hailey. I wanted to say all the things to her. All the things my brain had been processing over the summer. But nothing came.

“Ah. So we're back to the not-talking?”

“H-How was your summer?” I stammered.

“Lonely. Mira stayed with her grandparents, and her parents sent her to Culver Academy this year so she could ‘get serious' about music. Tess nannied the spawn for Queen B. And, well, I haven't talked to Chaz. So yeah, me and the moms and music on the porch. Pretty much.”

I nodded. It was excruciating seeing her. Every minute I'd spent with her last year darted around my head, poking me with all the good things we could have been and reminding me that all I had left was shit.

“Okay, then. Nice not-talking to you.” She moved past me, and I grabbed her wrist.

She blinked up at me. “Yes?”

“I'm sorry,” I whispered.

“I can't hear you.”

“I'm sorry, Hailey. I messed up. You came to me as a friend. I'm sorry. I screwed it up.” What the hell was I doing? I should've let her walk away, but her face and the childish braids and her stupid purple glasses . . . I could
not
let go of her.

“You did,” she said. Her bottom lip quivered, and I squished my eyes so I wouldn't have to see her cry and know why she was doing it.

“I'm a shitty friend. Ask Pavel.”

She shook her head. “You weren't a shitty friend. Well, you kinda were the last time I saw you, but you weren't before that.
I was probably asking too much, huh? Or maybe telling you too much.”

“Can we start over? Please.” God, why did I even ask? She deserved better than me. But I couldn't watch her walk away again.

She scrubbed her eyes and nodded. “Okay,” she finally said, and I released the breath I was holding. “Okay.”

Then there was silence. The silence of expectation. Her waiting for me to tell her why I pulled away. Me unwilling to say the words that rammed against my lips. That clawed at my brain until I nearly shook from the pressure.
I'm interested in you, Hailey
.

People passed us in the hall. Nodded at Hailey, ignored me. I needed to go to class. So did Hailey. Instead we stood with the giant boulder of unspoken words between us until finally Hailey caved and let me off the hook.

“How'd you do with the list this summer?”

I swallowed. The list. Safe territory for us. Mostly. “Well, I've been trying to talk to Pavel. It hasn't really worked, but at least I've tried.”

“He still reading
Cosmo
and asking you about ‘the ladies'?”

I nodded.

She hooked her arm into mine and steered me down the hall. Like we were friends. Like nothing had happened. The rush of relief overwhelmed me, and I had to stop to catch my breath. Because it was so Hailey to stare down the pink elephant
between us and move right past it like it meant nothing.

“
Cosmo
's a good thing,” she said as I dipped to take a drink of water from the fountain. “
Cosmo
means he's okay, I think.”

I snorted. “That's weird, but you're probably right.”

“Have you seen the girl? History Girl, who found you at the library?”

Jesus, when had I said all this to Hailey? And how did she remember it? “We have Calc together.”

Hailey grinned. “Perfect. So this week, get her number.”

“Uh.”

She twirled me around and clutched my shoulders, inches from me, cinnamon breath in my face. I wanted to taste her, lick to see if the cinnamon flavored her lips. “Get her frickin' number, Kyle. I know you can do it. Even if you have to fake it and pretend it's so you can be study buddies or whatever. If she likes you, you should do something about it.”

I nodded. Hailey was pushing me toward another girl. A girl more right for me. Probably. A girl who hadn't lost her virginity to a bouncer. I nodded again.

◊ ◊ ◊

Friend Kyle,

I looked for you today after school but didn't find you at the radio station. I was told by the Man in Charge that
you no longer worked afternoon shifts because of college. You are evidently going to college while still in high school? This is very cool and sort of weird, but maybe perfect. I almost think you can mark the college thing off your list. Because you're going. So there's that.

I am corresponding with your email because I have important things to say and don't think a dialogue would work after this morning's not-talking.

I have forgiven you for the summer bail. I imagine my news about Chaz was a bit disconcerting, even though you are NOT interested in me. I occasionally forget that you are a guy and likely don't want to hear about other dudes boning me. If it's any consolation, your general disapproval of the entire event pales in comparison to the judgment I've laid on myself about it. So it goes.

I have added to my list and am hoping you have too. I would like us to share where we are and make a REAL commitment to knocking these things off before you leave for actual college next year.

My moms would like to have you over for dinner. They evidently are of the opinion that I have done you wrong and think it perhaps is a good idea for amends to be
made. Friday at 6. Vegan tacos. My moms are awesome cooks, but if you're a carnivore, you might want to eat something meaty first.

It was a very difficult summer. More than you know. I take partial responsibility for our estrangement. I could have gone to you. This not-talking thing won't happen to us again. Life can be shit, but I think we're good for each other. Please agree.

In earnestness,

Hailey

I rewrote my response to her ninety-seven times. Deleted. Rewrote. Deleted. Rewrote. Called Pavel. Laughed at his crappy advice. He'd bought that book
The Rules: Time-Tested Secrets for Capturing Mr. Right
and insisted that I wait to respond until next week since I wasn't given a three-day advance warning on the dinner invite. I snorted and hung up on him.

Girl-Band Hailey,

Friday is fine. I have a few new things on my list. And yes, we are good for each other.

K

Right after I hit send, my mom came home. I met her in the kitchen and she offered a tired smile. Good day, then.

I started to unload the dishwasher and she helped, still wearing her scrubs.

“I've got this,” I mumbled.

“You've grown up so fast. I wish things had been easier for you. For us.”

“It's been fine, Mom. We're fine.”

She stacked a few plates and slid them into the cabinet. “No, it really hasn't, Kyle. It's been a lot of work and struggle.”

Her words bore down on me. I wasn't even sure she realized the things she said and how they could be like tiny needles piercing my skin. I bit back my immediate retort.

“I'm having dinner with a friend on Friday.”

“Pavel?”

“No.”

Then I waited for her to ask. Waited for some little olive branch to spring up between us, but she went back to unloading glasses and I took the silverware and didn't say anything else.

I
stood by the pool with Tess while one of the two spawn ran to the changing room. Last of the outdoor swim practices for the season.

“So, you've seen Kyle and survived,” she said.

I stared at the water. The kids were gone. Parents sat outside on the bleachers waiting. Every time the smallest breeze came by, the surface of the water became visible again in the ripples.

Who was I to ask Kyle about his list when I couldn't cross this one thing off mine?

“Hailey?” Tess asked.

“I can do this.” Sliding my list from my pocket, I rested it in Tess's hands.

I sat down and grabbed the side of the pool.

Anyone else would have told me to stop or to change or something.

“You got this, Hailey,” Tess whispered as she crouched next to me. “Do it before you think too much, or before you get caught.”

Shoes and all, I held my breath, slipped into the pool, and let myself sink until my ass hit the bottom. The water burned my eyes, but I was underwater. Slipping my glasses from my face, I let out a few bubbles, which echoed in my ears. Moving my arms back and forth, I shifted my whole body. How had I been afraid of this? I felt weightless, strong. I pushed off the bottom and held the side of the pool again.

“Woot!” Tess yelled. “You made it!”

“You can't go in the pool like that!” someone shouted.

I held up my middle finger, having no idea which direction to point.