Love Blind (15 page)

“So we're not going to have sex?” Chaz asked.

I kissed him again, wet and way dirtier than I really wanted, but it was a holdover. A
not now but soon
. Because it would be soon.

It was ridiculous. I was almost two months into being sixteen. And maybe it was stupid to want to get sex over with. I mean, I knew I was going blind, and I wasn't eager for
that
to happen so I could mark it off my list. But I hated knowing that I would definitely someday have sex and not be able to see my partner. That's why I wanted it
off
the list. I'd crossed off nothing since the spider, and that was more than two weeks ago. I had a willing partner, and I also had an unwilling partner, which, I guess, didn't make him a partner at all.

“At the competition,” I whispered in Chaz's ear. Then I shrugged my shirt on and snuck back into my house.

◊ ◊ ◊

“I can't believe you're doing this, Hailey.” But Tess grinned as wide as me.

“Me either.” I stripped off my jeans in the passenger's seat of her car and slid on the denim miniskirt. I slipped Rox's boots back on, which looked killer with my short skirt.

“You remembered to wear black panties, right? Because if
you step too close to the edge of the stage, and guys try to look up your skirt, they might not be able to see the black.”

I blushed, thinking about Chaz seeing them that night. The panties weren't black, they were green—Irish green. Matched my green bra. I'd planned this night since I'd promised Chaz two weeks ago.

“Promise you're not pissed?” I asked.

“That you're singing a love song for Chaz with another band?” We pulled into the parking lot near the bar. “No. Definitely not. Better them than me. Plus, it's not like we
have
a band. You need to be singing with someone.”

I knotted up my T-shirt behind me, exposing my stomach and even more of my lower back. I'd rehearsed with these guys twice while “at Tess's house for dinner.” Chaz insisted on me singing with them, and he was right, the band was probably really going somewhere, but they were picky as hell. I wouldn't be playing that night, just singing. Les Paul was at home.

“Okay. So, if the moms call, I'll just tell them that you're either in the shower or already asleep and then send you a text.” Tess held her phone between us.

“Right.”

“And”—she grabbed my leg as I opened the door—“if you need a ride after, call.”

“I've got Chaz. I'm good.” I pulled the braids out of my hair, letting it fall in loose waves, shoved the jeans into my bag,
and ran to the back exit of the bar, where Chaz stood holding the door open and smiling.

“Have fun,” Tess called as she gave me one last wave before pulling out.

I turned to wave back, but Chaz's hands were on my exposed stomach, sliding their way to my back. “Damn, Hailey. Every guy out there's going to want a piece of you tonight.”

I shrugged because I didn't know what to say. Knotting my T-shirt up had been a great idea.

“We're on in thirty,” one of the guys from the band snarled. “Where the hell have you been?”

“I told you she was working,” Chaz barked.

So, yeah. They had no idea how young I was either. My age never seemed to matter when Chaz was around, 'cause he knew everyone.

“But I'm getting a piece of you, right? After you sing me my song?” He gave my neck a bite, but I was so nervous about performing with the guys that all the awesome anticipation of Chaz didn't hit me like it normally did.

“Maybe,” I choked out.

“Not maybe. I am. Don't worry, Hailey.” He brushed his hand across my cheek. “You're going to be amazing.”

And the way he looked at me and touched me so carefully made me tingle all over, and I suddenly couldn't wait for my song to be over so we could cross something else off my list.

I sang hard. “In Your Eyes” was perfect for the crowd. They
even asked us to do two encores. Onstage Hailey was an animal, and I almost,
almost
wished that someone I knew had seen me. Anyone. Our mini-set flew by—there was something to be said for not having the stress of playing as well as singing.

The guys were bummed we only took second, but I thanked them for playing with me. They said they were maybe looking for a new lead singer but weren't ready to give anyone the spot yet. Probably best since the moms might not go for it, and then I'd have had to explain my age and curfew and all that.

Sometimes big chances were a one-time thing, and it felt okay. But I'd be lying if I said part of me didn't hope they'd get in touch with me again and ask me to sing lead.

◊ ◊ ◊

The bar was closed, and Chaz and I were just about the last people left. The darkness of the small greenroom was both comforting and terrifying. Because Chaz and I were alone and my shirt was on the floor.

“Baby, that song. Every guy was wishing he was me tonight.” He cupped my boobs and squeezed a little hard. “I can't wait.”

I slipped my glasses back on my face and peered at Chaz. He was sweaty and flushed and breathing hard. Because of me. Because I turned him on.

I reached for my discarded shirt, but he stopped me.

“I'm not putting you off. It's that . . .” I looked down. “I wanna wait a little bit longer.” I was being a baby. I'd just gotten completely high from singing, from a gig he'd gotten for me,
and I was backing away from him? I had an
all-night
alibi. I felt totally pathetic.

“But you said . . .” He twirled my hair around his finger. “Why are you making this into a big deal? I promise to take care of you.”

“Yeah, I know, you said.”

He dropped his hand and slipped his fingers beneath the strap of my bra. I shivered because, honestly, he was hot. And I liked him.

He gripped my hips and pulled me closer to him, dropping kisses on my neck that made me shiver even more. “I want you to be able to see what I can do to you.
For
you.”

Chaz did make me think I was sexy, and seriously, how many sixteen-year-old girls could say they were dating a hot bouncer? Who worked in bars that he got her into?

So taking all things into consideration—my need to get it over with, his horniness, and Kyle's lack thereof—the decision was pretty damn easy to make, and I finally took control, which was what I'd needed all along.

I shifted the skirt up my hips and stood, letting Chaz slip off my underwear.

“Leave the skirt and boots on.” He kissed my stomach as I stepped out of my underwear. I was on top. I was doing this. I was in control.

He pulled a condom out of his pocket, unzipped his jeans, and gloved up. I'd seen a penis before—hello Internet porn and
fifteen percent of Tumblr posts—but in that moment, I was sort of grateful for the dim lighting. Again. Thinking about that big thing being inside me was a lot to take.

His thumbs slid through my belt loops and he pulled me back down onto his lap. My legs shook. I tightened my jaw to keep my teeth from chattering in nerves.

“Take your shirt off,” I said through tight teeth.

The same cocky smile that I'd fallen for on the first night lit his face. “You got it.” He slipped off his shirt and guided me until I hovered over him.

I leaned forward and kissed him. I was on top. I was in control. I was shaking.

In a series of too quick motions, he grabbed my hips, tilted his hips upward, and pressed into me. I gasped at the sharpness of the pain.

“Hailey,” he grunted. “You're so tight. Holy . . .”

Chaz rammed his hips into me over and over, telling me how amazing I felt. He jerked me toward him again and again as he mumbled incoherently, keeping his hands on my hips, forcing my movements. How long was this going to last?

I squeezed my eyes shut and clenched my jaw to keep from crying because it hurt like fire, and Chaz's hands gripped my hips tighter.

“Hai-ley, Hai-ley . . . ,” he moaned, and I was about to tell him to stop already—because after all his sweet talk about taking care of me, there was only one person having fun here—
when his phone rang on the table next to the couch.

He paused, checked the phone, and then pushed his bristly mouth back into mine and started pumping away.

“Oh, come
on
.” I shoved on his chest with both hands and scrambled to standing in the middle of the room, my body still burning.

“What the
hell
, Hailey?” His face turned down in an angry scowl. “You can't
stop
like that.”

I opened my mouth to talk, but like when the moms had me cornered, nothing came out. When I stared at him, in that split second on the couch, I felt like an idiot for ever,
ever
taking the time to be with him. What kind of a pathetic loser of a twenty-one-year-old wants a sixteen-year-old virgin girlfriend? And how the hell didn't I see it sooner? The pictures. The being okay with not knowing the moms . . . I wasn't in control of this. Not at all. He wasn't my conquest. I was his.

I jerked my shirt back on, tucked my underwear in my pack, and took off. I didn't care what time it was. I needed home.

The problem with being me, and seeing for shit, is that it takes a long time to find a way home at three something in the morning, and even though Tess had offered, I could
not
call her after this.

◊ ◊ ◊

The taxi dropped me off around five. I'd had to wait for ages at some random bus stop downtown. I dropped my bag under our coatrack and jogged down the stairs to my room, needing
to be out of my clothes and into something clean. Probably I should have been quiet, but I wanted my bed and my blanket too much to care.

“Hailey?” Rox knocked on my bedroom door about two minutes later.

“Yeah.”

“Why are you home so early?” she asked through the door.

“Just happened that way.” I slid off my skirt—no panties. As I grabbed a pair from my dresser, I hissed because I was still sore. Another reminder of how stupid I was. My chest caved in deeper and I sucked in a few breaths to keep from crying.
Crying
. It was
my
idea.

I'm tougher than this. I am. I am. I am. I am.
I had something else to check off the list. Checking things off my list was supposed to be amazing. Life-changing.

But Kyle was right.

It should have been special or something. Well, at least it
could
have been. I knew I locked feelings away I didn't want to think about. I also knew that once in a while all those feelings would crash around me, and they were
big
. Why hadn't I pushed Kyle? Why hadn't I waited for him? Was I so awful he wouldn't even consider me?

I pulled on my pajama bottoms and a clean tank, wondering if I had to get out of bed on Monday. My bed felt softer than it ever had, and I wrapped myself up in the familiar happy of my blanket. Five in the morning, and I was finally getting some rest.

“Hailey?” Rox knocked on my door again.

“What?” I didn't say
come in
because I knew she would eventually.

My door opened.

Double moms. Double concerned faces.

I was in deep shit. And I had no idea why.

“Your panties fell out of your pack when I brought it downstairs,” Lila said quietly.

“Those aren't mine.” I slid lower in my bed and pulled the blankets around my head like I'd done since I was five.

They glanced at each other, and then I realized how stupid I was because they'd bought that pair for me when they'd bought my green bra. How the hell did they fall out? Or maybe the moms went rummaging while I dug for underwear and pajama pants.

Shittty, shit, shit, shit.
I couldn't think of a single way out.

“Why?” Rox asked. Her head tilted to the side, studying me.

I had to swallow. Not enough. Swallow again. Not enough.

I clasped my hands together. “Because I thought I was getting my period and it seemed like the easiest way to check?”

I really should've worked harder at not making that sound like a question.

Then they did the unthinkable. Rox sat next to me and put her arm around my shoulders, and Lila rested her hands on my feet.

My chest swelled. My stomach tightened. I couldn't breathe.
What was I supposed to do? How would I get rid of them? Why weren't they yelling at me?

No. I didn't want to feel the cracking and splintering. I wasn't sorry. I'd wanted it. I'd gone to Chaz and asked for it. It was no big deal. Thousands—no, probably millions—of people did it every day.

Instead I cried.

No one spoke. I knew the questions would start any minute. The first of which should've had something to do with how crazy I'd become.

“Did someone hurt you, Hailey?” Lila whispered.

My head shook, which made my body shake more, and made me feel worse instead of better. Whoever said a good cry makes you feel better is full of shit. Big piles of shit. “No one hurt me. It was my choice.”

Rox wrapped me up in her arms, and I sobbed into her chest.

“I wish you guys didn't care about things so much.” I punched my bed as tears streamed down my face.

“Why?” Lila massaged my feet.

“Because maybe then
I'd
care less.”

“Why would you want to care less?” Rox gave me another squeeze.

“So I wouldn't hurt so much.” I pulled my knees up, wishing to be alone.

The silence stretched for not nearly long enough.

“With who?” Lila asked.

“Chaz.”

“The older guy? Fuck.” Rox breathed out and her voice hardened. “That's statutory rape, or sexual assault of a minor, or something worth him being arrested. You know this, right?”

“Please don't.” I shook my head.