Love and Respect (37 page)

One way to look at it is that in family matters, you are the hare and he is the turtle. You can tear down the track and leave him in the dust, but that will not make you win the race. Your respect will bring him out of his shell and motivate his movements. His movements will be much slower than you prefer, but it will do you little good to run circles around him, tapping on his shell with your stout stick of judgment. Be patient and make the following your motto: “If I can’t say anything respectful, I won’t say anything at all.”

For more information and resources on the Love and Respect Connection, go to www.loveandrespect.com

E-mail your personal story to Dr. Emerson Eggerichs:[email protected]

NOTES

Chapter One: The Simple Secret to a Better Marriage

1
. I believe it is important to make a distinction between theology and theory. My biblical theology of Ephesians 5:33 is simple: a husband is commanded to love his wife unconditionally, and a wife is to respect her husband unconditionally. This is what the text says—period. The Love and Respect Connection (my theory) is inferred from verse 33. So far, every couple I work with seems to experience the Crazy Cycle to one degree or the other. Ephesians 5:33 reveals that a wife needs love and a husband needs respect, and when those needs are unmet each spouse reacts at some level. My theory says that the wife has a tendency to react in ways that feel disrespectful to the husband (thus, the command to her to respect). And the husband has a tendency to react in ways that feel unloving to the wife (thus, the command to him to love).

Chapter Two: To Communicate, Decipher the Code

1
. John Gottman,
Why Marriages Succeed or Fail
(New York: Simon & Schuster, 1994), 61.

2
. In Ephesians 5:33, Paul uses the Greek word for love (
agape
) in the present active imperative, and the word for respect (
phobetai
) in this usage becomes a practical imperative. Both usages in this text are meant as a command. This is why the NIV uses the word “must” for both these phrases. (A. T. Robertson, ed.,
A Grammar of the Greek New Testament in the Light of Historical Research,
4th ed. [New York: Hodder, 1923], 994.)

Chapter Three: Why She Won’t Respect; Why He Won’t Love

1
. The NIV translates the Greek word
hina
as “must” to leave no doubt that this is a command from God’s heart.

2
. When I refer to the feminist movement, I am referencing the more radical elements. Many positive benefits for women have come out of feminism. However, what profoundly disturbs me is that a substantial segment of the feminist movement has promoted a negative, contemptuous attitude toward men simply because they are men. As a follower of Christ, I see both men and women created in God’s image. I am to love and respect God’s creation. Though men and women are sinful and in need of Christ, the Lord Himself yearns for every soul to experience His love and glory (i.e., highest respect!). To have a demeaning attitude toward males simply because they are males is to look down on sons, brothers, uncles, grandfathers, fathers, husbands, and male friends in a way that God Himself does not.

3
. Professional survey data quoted in Shaunti Feldhahn,
For Women Only:What You Need to Know about the Inner Lives of Men
(Portland, Ore.: Multnomah, 2004). Survey performed for Shaunti Feldhahn by Decision Analysts, Inc. and tabulated by Analytic Focus. Shaunti Feldhahn, a best-selling author, has a master’s in public policy from Harvard University, is a financial analyst at the Federal Reserve Bank of New York, and is a weekly columnist on women’s issues for the
Atlanta Journal-Constitution.
Based in Dallas, Texas, Decision Analysts, Inc., is one of the most in-demand survey firms in the nation. Analytic Focus, a separate firm headed by Chuck Cowen, former Chief of Survey Design at the U.S. Census Bureau, is based in Alabama. For more information, visit the website at analyticfocus.com.

4
. I appreciate the significant contribution women are making to the military, but my observation is that the military is a particularly natural place for the male, especially in combat. In fact, a broad policy in the military, no matter what the branch of service, is not to use women in combat situations. For policy statements, see U.S. Marines—http://www.Marines.com/officer_programs/FAQ.asp?format=/ and Center for Military Readiness—http://www.cmrlink.org/WomenInCombat and Center for Military Readiness—http://www.cmrlink.org/WomenInCombat .asp?docID=154. My point is that, by the very nature of who they are, men are better equipped to serve, fight, and die if need be; and this same drive transfers to the home and the family, where the man fills the role of protector.

Chapter Four: What Men Fear Most Can Keep the Crazy Cycle Spinning

1
. Professional survey data quoted in Shaunti Feldhahn,
For Women Only:What You Need to Know about the Inner Lives of Men
(Portland, Ore.: Multnomah, 2004). Survey performed for Shaunti Feldhahn by Decision Analysts, Inc., and tabulated by Analytic Focus.

2
. Gottman,
Why Marriages Succeed or Fail
, 152.

3
. Ibid.

Chapter Five: She Fears Being a Doormat; He’s Tired of “Just Not Getting It”

1
. Gottman,
Why Marriages Succeed or Fail,
175.

Chapter Six: She Worries about Being a Hypocrite; He Complains, “I Get No Respect!”

1
. Gottman,
Why Marriages Succeed or Fail,
159.

Chapter Ten: Openness—She Wants You to Open Up to Her

1
. For an in-depth discussion of the difference between the compartmentalization of men and the integration of women, see Stephen B. Clark,
Man and Woman in Christ
(Ann Arbor: Servant Books, 1980). In his thorough study of the differences between men and women, Clark references two specialists in the trait-patterns of male and female: Dietrich von Hildebrand,
Man and Woman
(Chicago: Henry Regnery, 1965), and Edith Stein,
The Writings of Edith Stein
(London: Peter Owen, 1956). Clark writes: “Both von Hildebrand and Stein say that men and women differ in the way their minds, emotions, and bodies function together. A woman’s emotions, intellect, and body form a more integrated unity than those of a man. She confronts decisions, activities, and relationships as an entire person—a blend of emotions, intellect, and body. On the other hand, a man’s emotions, intellect, and body are more differentiated. He more easily compartmentalizes elements of his personality, treating them as aspects of his identity which he can at times temporarily ignore.”

Chapter Twelve: Peacemaking—She Wants You to Say, “I’m Sorry”

1
. In Isaiah 54:6, the plight of Judah in exile is likened to the sorrow of the wife who is forsaken, grieved in spirit, and rejected by her husband.

2
. See William Barclay,
The Daily Study Bible, The Letters to the Corinthians
(Edinburgh: The St. Andrew Press, 1965), 67.

3
. In Matthew 19:1–6, Jesus is answering the Pharisees’ query, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any reason at all?” (see v. 3). Instead of taking either of the rabbinical positions—one liberal, one more conservative—Jesus focused on Genesis 2:23–24 and the concept of “one flesh.” Marriage is to be “the deepest physical and spiritual unity.” See Charles E. Ryrie,
The Ryrie Study Bible
(Chicago: Moody, 1976), 1478.

Chapter Thirteen: Loyalty—She Needs to Know You’re Committed

1
. Now Columbia International University.

2
. Robertson McQuilkin,
A Promise Kept—The Story of an Unforgettable Love
(Wheaton, Ill.: Tyndale, 1998), 21–23.

3
. Ibid.

Chapter Fifteen: C-H-A-I-R-S: How to Spell Respect to Your Husband

1
. In 1 Corinthians 7:25–38, Paul gives the Corinthians “wisdom” that he admits is not a direct command from the Lord Jesus in the Gospels. Because he felt that time for winning people to Christ was short, he preferred that Christians not be married, so they could concentrate on doing the Lord’s work. Paul isn’t putting down marriage. He is simply stating a fact about what happens when good-willed men and women marry: they will be concerned about how to please one another. Paul realizes that married people can still serve the Lord.

2
. A loving wife is called upon to overlook certain failures and mistakes by her husband “because love covers a multitude of sins” (1 Peter 4:8). And a husband overlooks words or actions by his wife that may seem disrespectful because “a prudent man overlooks an insult” (Proverbs 12:16 NIV).

Chapter Sixteen: Conquest—Appreciate His Desire to Work and Achieve

1
. Charles F. Pfeiffer, ed.,
The Wycliffe Bible Commentary
(Chicago: Moody, 1987), 5.

2
. Feminists do, in fact, severely differ with several of Paul’s observations in 1 Corinthians 11:3–16. As Paul discusses a problem in the church at Corinth, he advises women to appear in worship services with their heads covered, something that some of them apparently were not doing as art of their “traditions” (11:2). He states: “For a man ought not to have his head covered, since he is the image and glory of God; but the woman is the glory of man” (1 Corinthians 11:7). From the feminist point of view, this verse seems to be feeding the male ego at the expense of a woman’s dignity. From the Love and Respect point of view, however, men need to feel honored and respected in the same way women need to feel loved. Consider this statement: “Women were created to be loved by men in the same way Christ loved the church; therefore, men are created to bring love to women.” Few women would object to this, but it is a little harder to accept what Paul is saying in 1 Corinthians 11:7. In giving advice on a protocol problem in the church at Corinth, Paul has uncovered a profound truth. A man needs to feel honored for who he is—the image and glory of God—because God made him that way. This is not chauvinist egotism. It is a fundamental need built into the male by the Creator. Yes, there are chauvinists among men just as there are prima donnas among women, but these exceptions should not be the rule. I believe our culture, which is heavily influenced by feminism, has missed the beauty of God’s design.

3
. In his book
The Essential Difference: The Truth about the Male and Female Brain,
Simon BaronCohen reported his findings after twenty years of research on gender differences in which he concluded that the female brain is predominantly hard-wired for showing empathy while the male brain is hard-wired for understanding and building systems. BaronCohen developed his theories by observing infants in the crib and noting the kind of stimuli they responded to. Girl babies responded better to faces above them while boy babies responded to mobiles. For a review of BaronCohen’s book, see Carolyn See, “His and Hers,”
Washington Post
, 5 October 2003.

4
. In their discussion of the sociology of the family, Talcott Parson and Robert F. Bales hold that the basic model of the family consists of two adult partners (husband and wife) living together with their children. Roles tend to revolve around internal tasks for the wife and external tasks for the husband. The authors describe these as the expressive versus instrumental orientations—see Talcott Parson and Robert F. Bales,
Family, Socialization and Interaction Process
(Glencoe, Ill.: Free Press, 1955). Though various voices differ with this model, it still doesn’t go away! I hold to this as reflecting the basic nature and interests of men and women. Generally, women will be focused on relationships in the family, expressing the wonders of love. Though a career for the woman is important in our present culture, we still find career being an
option
for women if they want children. A career is a freedom of choice for them, whereas a man feels
compelled
to work outside the home in the field.

Chapter Seventeen: Hierarchy—Appreciate His Desire to Protect and Provide

1
. See Donald G. Bloesch,
Is the Bible Sexist?
(Westchester, Ill.: Crossway, 1982), 36–37). Bloesch points out that the Bible “nowhere sanctions the abuse and exploitation of women. Instead, it emphasizes the need for their care and protection. Some feminists call this ‘condescension,’ but deference to woman as woman belongs to the very nature of masculinity, just as a certain dependency on the male is the very essence of femininity.”

2
. From
Family News from Dr. James Dobson
, February 1995. This account in Dr. Dobson’s newsletter recounted the story as the late Dr. E. V. Hill told it himself on a
Focus on the Family
radio broadcast, “E. V. Hill on the Death of His Wife.”

3
. See Deborah Tannen,
You Just Don’t Understand—Women and Men in Conversation
(New York: Ballantine, 1991), 24–25. As she did research on her book, Tannen observed her husband as “simply engaging the world in a way that many men do; as an individual in a hierarchical social order in which he was either one-up or one-down. In this world . . . people try to . . . protect themselves from others’ attempts to put them down.”

Chapter Eighteen: Authority—Appreciate His Desire to Serve and to Lead

1
. See Wayne Grudem,
Systematic Theology: An Introduction to Biblical Doctrine
(Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 1994), 465–66.

2
. Beware of certain cultural voices. Some say submission never strengthened any institution except slavery. Others say submission only applies to the first century, which, by the way, they say about every New Testament teaching with which they differ. It would do all of us good to heed the scripture: “For there are many rebellious men, empty talkers and deceivers . . . who must be silenced because they are upsetting whole families, teaching things they should not teach for the sake of sordid gain” (Titus 1:10–11).