Love and Respect (34 page)

What do Jesus’s words about freedom have to do with you and your marriage? Everything. When Jesus said, “You shall be free indeed,” He wasn’t talking about political freedom of some kind. He was talking about inner, spiritual freedom—freedom from sin. Even though your spouse is being difficult, hateful, or full of contempt, Jesus can help you be dignified and loving. No matter how difficult your spouse may be, you cannot blame your negative reactions on your spouse. If you do, you are letting those negative reactions control your inner person. You are becoming a hopeless, helpless victim. When your spouse is unloving or disrespectful, if all you can do is react negatively, you are destined for unhappiness. But according to Jesus, y you are free if you want to be. Your spouse can affect you, but your spouse does not control you. You can experience disappointment, but it is your choice to disrespect or be unloving. Memorize this principle and live by it:

“The deeds of the flesh are evident, which are: . . . outbursts of anger, disputes”

(Galatians 5:19–20).

I CAN EXPERIENCE HURT, BUT IT IS MY CHOICE TO HATE.

One wife reports that since she has determined to take the “inner freedom” approach, her husband is still unloving at times. She writes:

But if I am disrespectful to him, the Holy Spirit convicts ME to apologize! Yuck! But I feel so much better afterwards it’s worth it. I know it’s not my husband I am apologizing to, but Jesus. I hope and pray that my husband’s eyes will be open to the Holy Spirit, but I leave this up to God since I know that only He can change his heart.

YOU CAN BE FREE IN ANY CIRCUMSTANCE

In 1 Peter 2:16–17, the apostle is talking to Christians who are under pressure. They can choose to react in godly or ungodly ways. Peter says, “Live as free men. . . . Show proper respect to everyone: Love the brotherhood” (NIV). There are two truths here for a spouse trying to get on the Rewarded Cycle. First, the phrase “live as free men” (v. 16), refers to the same inner freedom Jesus describes in John 8. As Peter will show in chapter 3 of his letter, this inner freedom must be lived out in marriage as well as in the arena of citizenship. In any setting, you can experience inner freedom independent of your circumstances.
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Remember the husband (in chapter 5) who was arrested for domestic violence? While spending a couple of nights in jail, he had what he called an “epiphany.” As he repented and confessed, he experienced the unexplainable presence of the power of God. Something took place inside of that husband. Though in jail, he said, “I am freer than I have ever been.” Some call this a power encounter with the living God. We cannot grasp how it happens, but all we know is that something works in our hearts. As Paul wrote, “The peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus” (Philippians 4:7).

Second, we see the evidence that we are inwardly free when we can honor and love others. When Peter wrote this letter during the first century, he was trying to help believers who had all kinds of issues—with the government, with neighbors, and with each other. I’m sure they were saying to Peter, “Look, I cannot honor or love people who have offended me.” Or can’t you hear a wife saying to Peter, “I cannot honor my unloving husband”? Or perhaps a husband was telling him, “I cannot love my disrespectful wife.” Peter is saying in effect that if you are inwardly free, you can do these things that seem impossible. If you do not do them, that is your issue. You are not free.

I also get many letters from spouses who are living in inner freedom, or at least they are starting to. One wife shared that she learned that her husband of eleven years had been unfaithful to her numerous times. Her whole world fell apart, as did her relationship with God. How could this person whom she loved so much hurt her like this? He arranged for counseling, and for twenty months she poured out her heart—as well as her anger. The counseling transformed her husband into a loving, godly man, set free and walking in God’s truth. But the wife continued to be angry and full of hate. She realized it was bondage, but she couldn’t help it. Her respect for him was gone, and he could never earn it again.

By chance she was at a friend’s house and saw some of our materials. When she read the word
respect,
she thought,
Oh, here we go again; it’s all about the man . . . They don’t know my husband or what he did, so this doesn’t apply.
But she read on, and she thanks God she did. She said, “Suddenly my eyes were opened and a freedom came into my heart. I didn’t have to respect him based on his behavior but on who he is as a man, made in the image of God. I had never heard of that before!”

Other wives have also conquered contempt by experiencing inner freedom. Here are two more letters:

God is moving in my heart. I have had contempt in my heart for my husband. That was very hard to admit but very liberating. I have confessed this to God and have asked my husband to forgive me as well.

It helps me so much to want to show respect to him when I realize that, in doing that, I am really showing respect and love to God most of all as well as trying to meet the deep needs of my husband. The verse, 1 Peter 2:16, that you shared really motivates me. Because I am free in Christ, I can show honor because He is meeting my security and love needs.

Sometimes you have to start at the very beginning with what doesn’t seem to be much. Specific truths can help set you free. Yes, your spouse may be harsh, unloving, or disrespectful a lot of the time, but just remembering that your spouse is really a person of goodwill can put you on the road to the Rewarded Cycle. As one spouse wrote, “It was freeing to reflect on the fact that she was well-intentioned and good-hearted toward me.”

INNER FREEDOM REWARDS YOU WITH A LEGACY

The Rewarded Cycle offers still more, because the mature husband or wife does not go unnoticed by his or her children. As you learn the truth and seek to act upon it with unconditional respect or unconditional love, realize that you’re leaving a legacy.

How do your children feel about you? When you are gone, do you want your children to be excited because you left them an inheritance? Some children are so excited about their inheritance that they can hardly wait for their parents to die. What did their parents do to make them think like that? Parents want their children to love and respect them, but if they aren’t showing love and respect to each other, what kind of legacy are they leaving behind?

A husband provides a good example for his children when he unconditionally loves their mother. He shows his children how a person who believes in Jesus Christ and who has inner freedom in Christ should act. What will the children of such a man say at his funeral? I believe they will say, “What a man my dad was. I didn’t fully appreciate it when I was young, but now as an adult with a wife and children of my own, I realize he put on love to my mother even in the times when she had issues and she wasn’t so pleasant to be around. I hope I can be half the man my dad was.”

The same principles apply to a wife. What do you want your children to say at your funeral? If throughout their lives, they saw you put on respect to your husband, they will say, “Mom was really something. Dad wasn’t always easy to live with, but she still respected him, because she knew it wasn’t about Dad. She did it out of love and reverence for Christ. And even though I took advantage of her and was rebellious, she always forgave me and loved me. There is just nobody else like Mom.”

The apostle John wrote of the great joy that comes when children walk in the truth (see 2 John 4). To walk in the truth means to order your life by the Word of God. If we want our children to walk in the truth, we must live that same truth before them.
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Each day you are on the edge of something; you face some kind of crossroads. Today could be the day something happens that will make all the difference, and when it does you will want to be ready for it—you will want to be mature with inner freedom. As your children see you living out Christ’s words, “The truth shall make you free,” you will set them on the path of following Jesus as well. What greater joy can a parent have than that?

But what if you’ve already blown it? Perhaps your kids are teenagers by now and you’re just discovering the Love and Respect Connection and beginning to figure out what the Rewarded Cycle is all about. You’re thinking about mistakes you’ve made, the times you haven’t been a good example and those numerous scenes where you didn’t show love or respect to your spouse. Don’t despair. God has a unique way of eliminating past mistakes. Where there has been sin, His grace abounds. He erases your mistakes and puts more grace in their place. One wife writes:

“Set an example . . . in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity”

(1 Timothy 4:12 NIV).

My husband and I were having a discussion, and he said that he felt as if I did not respect him . . . he was right . . . and it was obvious because we have two daughters, six and a half and three, and they do not show much respect for him either, which is a sign to me that I was not giving it to him. So, I bought your book. I’ve been showing respect in various ways. In the time that I have put some of the ideas into practice, his relationship with the girls has grown much more loving and so has our relationship. He knows that I am trying to make things the best that they can be. He has gone out of his way to do extra things for me and give me some extra time by myself on days when I work by taking the girls shopping. I am so excited to see 1 Peter 3:1–2 work in our marriage.

Another wife tells of observing her own parents being married unhappily for thirty-eight years. Her mother got some of our materials and started applying some of the ideas. She had always known what God wanted but had never understood how to do it. As the daughter observed her mother making major changes in her attitude and her marriage, it deeply affected her. The daughter, who had been married almost fifteen years herself, explains:

[I] have not been very successful in getting along with my husband. We both have strong personalities. I have seen such a change, not in my parents’ relationship but in my mom’s attitude toward my dad that I have been calling for advice a lot lately. . . . I have always known that doing the will of God is what will ultimately bring me joy. I am just thankful for what it has already done for my mom and the peace that it has brought into her life.

Another woman with a son (twenty-one) and a daughter (eleven) wants to pass on the Love and Respect message because, as she writes, “I have taught them to be disrespectful of their father, but now I can remedy this by showing respect regardless of what happens. . . . I have asked for forgiveness from God, my husband and my children in regard to this sin.”

THE REWARD OF WINNING YOUR SPOUSE GOD’S WAY

We have already studied 1 Peter 3:1–2 and know its importance in understanding the Love and Respect Connection. Peter writes, “In the same way, you wives, be submissive to your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives, as they observe your chaste and respectful behavior.” Here Peter clearly says that a husband who is unloving, rebellious, even far from God, can be won by his wife’s respectful behavior.

The Rewarded Cycle principle of unconditionally respecting your husband out of obedience to the Lord can win him. This is power. And this same power is available to husbands. Your unconditional love for your wife with no strings attached, simply wanting to obey God and serve Him, can win her.

A good example is the prophet Hosea, who married Gomer. Gomer proved to be an adulterous woman, and Hosea was separated from her for a time. Then God said, “Go, show your love to your wife again, though she is loved by another and is an adulteress” (Hosea 3:1 NIV). Talk about unconditional love! Hosea even had to buy Gomer back (the custom of the time) to restore her to her wifely status (see Hosea 3:2).
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A modern-day Hosea wrote to say that we had “connected many dots” for him. He had lost hope for any change in his difficult marriage, and he cried out to God, not knowing what to do, how to do it, or how to love his wife.

“All I heard from the church was ‘love, love, love,’ ” he said. “I tried, tried, tried and couldn’t.” But when he attended one of our conferences, he understood why he felt so discouraged and rejected:

I hadn’t put the words on it, but I wanted her to respect me and be my friend—neither of which I was experiencing. I knew I had failed to love her (maybe even more than she did not respect me). . . . Thanks be to God for knowledge that leads to understanding and allows me to act lovingly in service to Jesus Christ. I realize tests and trials are coming. My wife has many hurts from not being loved for so long, but we now have a way to move forward.

Letters from other spouses who are trying to win their mate God’s way keep pouring in. One came from a successful thirty-four-year-old woman who felt trapped between the world’s views on respect for men and God’s plan. But as she read our materials, she couldn’t put them down. She said, “It was like finally there was freedom in knowing the truth in such a straight-forward manner. It’s so simple to know.”

Another woman wrote to say that she had already been trying to make some changes her husband had suggested, but when she heard our CD:

. . . I began to do other things. I changed my attitude. I changed my tone of voice and my facial expressions. I even changed my prayers from “bless me and change him” to “change me and bless him.” Due to my new understanding, I had a passion for my husband that was not there before, so I began to see him differently. I have begun to see fruits from these changes already.

The Rewarded Cycle always reveals what you are inside. What does it mean to be the mature one? The concept is more easily grasped than lived. The following testimony is proof that you can live and act with maturity:

Most of us are fully aware of the power of words, but the power to destroy by a disrespectful attitude is just as damaging. . . . The Lord has really given me self-control and conviction in this area. I think when we know that we are full and complete in Christ, and our identities are not given to us by our husbands, it is so much easier to Love and Respect. . . . My situation is not any easier at home, my husband has been “on the run” from the Lord for many years now, but I do not feel so hopeless and, therefore, do not have a need to have the final word, be right, win an argument, worry about a decision,
etc.
And by honoring my husband . . . I am choosing life, Christ’s life, and then I am blessed. Even if my husband never changes, I know the Lord wants me to honor Him. I know some women get a cruise out of this (ha ha), but really, I feel better about myself as a Christian being able to overlook an offense.