Love and Respect (32 page)

In another situation, a wife moved out and bought another home. I coached the husband on how to behave toward her in more loving ways. This went on for some time, and he was seeing little progress. Then one day she said, “Are you wanting me to beg you to ask me to come back home?”

The above are just a few examples of what can happen. Don’t give up because weeks or months pass with no response. Don’t interpret delay as defeat. Don’t assume that what you are doing is unfruitful. Most often, love or respect is working on your spouse more than you realize. Something is transpiring in the soul of that person. Have confidence that God will work.

WHEN IT SIMPLY DOESN’T WORK—WHAT THEN?

What is your worst fear in marriage? As a husband, is not your worst fear that you put on love but your wife shows you contempt? In response to your good-willed attempt to be close, open, understanding, peacemaking, loyal, and esteeming, she remains disrespectful.

As a wife, is not your worst fear that you put on respect but your husband is more unloving than ever? You have learned the “foreign language” of respect by appreciating his work efforts, his desire to protect and provide, to serve and lead, to give you his insights. You have also tried to give him shoulder-to-shoulder friendship and more sexual intimacy. Despite all this, he remains unloving. In good faith you moved first as the mature one, but your spouse did not change.

As Jesus spoke of the trials and tribulations believers might have to go through for Him, He mentioned that “a man’s enemies will be the members of his household” (Matthew 10:36). For you, it may feel just this way. So should you simply say, “This Love and Respect thing doesn’t work”? When you love or respect unconditionally, you are following God and His will for you. Ultimately, your spouse and your marriage have nothing to do with it. You are simply demonstrating your obedience and trust in the face of an unlovable wife or a disrespecting husband.
Unconditional love and unconditional respect will be rewarded
. I call this the Rewarded Cycle. Jesus said, “For if you love those who love you, what reward do you have?” (Matthew 5:46). Jesus could have had your troubled marriage in mind when He said that.

I believe Paul also had your marriage in mind when he penned Ephesians 6:7–8: “Serve wholeheartedly, as if you were serving the Lord, not men, because you know that the Lord will reward everyone for whatever good he does, whether he is slave or free” (NIV). In the immediate context, Paul refers to how slaves can serve their masters, but notice that he ends the passage by saying it applies to free persons as well. In other words, this idea is for all believers. If you trace his thinking back a few verses, you find him mentioning this same principle concerning children and their parents (see Ephesians 6:1–4) and also husbands and wives (see Ephesians 5:22–33). Paul is saying that whatever we do as to the Lord we will receive back from the Lord. In marriage, everything you do counts, even if your spouse ignores you! This is what the Rewarded Cycle is all about (see page 265 for a visual of it):

“Don’t pay back unkind words with unkind words. Instead, pay them back with kind words”

(1 Peter 3:9 NIRV).

HIS LOVE BLESSES REGARDLESS OF HER RESPECT;
HER RESPECT BLESSES REGARDLESS OF HIS LOVE.

When I first began teaching this biblical truth as it pertains to marriage, I was unsure how people would receive it. Amazingly, many welcomed the Rewarded Cycle message with open arms. Those who feel hopeless suddenly catch the truth that what they do matters to God;
nothing is wasted.
This thought not only rejuvenates poor marriages, but it is helpful to good marriages. The key principle of the Rewarded Cycle is just as relevant for a good marriage as a poor one. Ultimately, all husbands and wives should be practicing Love and Respect principles first and foremost out of obedience toward Christ. If they do not, it is so easy to start being arrogantly proud about “our great marriage.”

All couples must take heed. Those who think they stand could easily fall. So many marriages seem to be getting along just great and then,
wham!
The wheels come off. If we take our eyes off Christ (or never put our eyes on Christ in the first place), we are building on sand, and when the storms come we can be swept away (see Matthew 7:24–27).

Another benefit of the Rewarded Cycle for a good marriage is that you can understand why you are treating each other as you do and be more equipped to explain the Love and Respect Connection to other couples. And as other couples learn the Love and Respect Connection, the rewards increase exponentially. What are the rewards? We get some of them on earth, but we get an incredible reward in heaven.

HEAVEN’S REWARD—THE ETERNAL “AHHH! ”

I heard a godly man with cerebral palsy speak. He had a delightful wit: “God is preparing me for heaven. . . . I am in His oven, so to speak. I am being baked for an eternal purpose. I am not finished yet. When I die and stand before Him, He is going to say, ‘Well done.’” I laughed with delight as tears streamed down my cheeks.

Jesus is preparing us to hear, “Well done.” He wants to say, “Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master’s happiness!” (Matthew 25:21 NIV).

Have you ever thought about what it will mean to “share your master’s happiness”? It will be joy without measure. Think of your graduation day, wedding day, birthday, child’s birthday, summer vacation, promotion, retirement, good times with friends, affirmation from your parents, leading all family members to Christ, good health. What if every hour of every day you experienced the glory and joy of all these events at once in their fullest intensity? Realize that when you “share your master’s happiness,” the intensity will be a trillion times greater.

How will you feel when you experience that endless first moment of joy? Remember when you wanted a bike for Christmas, but your parents wouldn’t say if you would get one or not? You were in limbo, and then Christmas morning arrived. There under the tree was your bright, shiny bike, and you gasped, “Ahhh!”

Or think of the woman who is surprised with a diamond ring. She gasps, “Ahhh!” While speaking to a group of Wall Street investors in New York, I asked if anyone there had had an “Ahhh!” experience. One man said, “Yeah, when I got my first unexpected bonus check of $100,000.” I swallowed hard then said, “Yes—that sort of gets at the idea!”

Do you realize that the greatest “Ahhh!” experience of your life is ahead? The Lord is closely watching and intends to reward you. “Each man’s praise will come to him from God” (1 Corinthians 4:5). To keep in mind what’s in store, memorize Ephesians 6:7–8: “Serve wholeheartedly, as if you were serving the Lord, not men, because you know that the Lord will reward everyone for whatever good he does” (NIV). Envision the scene as believers ascend into heaven and stand before Christ. To one husband He says, “Well done. You’ve put on love toward your disrespectful wife. You are about to receive back every act of love you did toward her.” To a wife He says, “Well done. You’ve put on respect toward your unloving husband. I watched. You are about to be rewarded for every act of respect.”

Next, Jesus directs you to enter the place called Paradise (see Luke 23:43). He has brought you “safely to His heavenly kingdom” (2 Timothy 4:18). As you enter with Jesus, you experience a holy rush. “You stand in the presence of His glory blameless with great joy” (Jude 24). At that moment, unexpectedly, you behold a gift of such great value you gasp a holy “Ahhh!” What you behold is beyond anything you could imagine. Suddenly, instantly, you are enveloped by love and glory. You are literally “in glory” never to leave (Colossians 3:4).
¹

To try to describe heaven is to describe the indescribable. Even Paul could only say that “momentary, light affliction is producing for us an eternal weight of glory far beyond all comparison” (2 Corinthians 4:17; see also Romans 8:18).

Let’s go back to Matthew 25:21: “You were faithful with a few things.” What would some of those “few things” be? Surely they include what Paul describes so clearly in Ephesians 5: “love [your] wife . . . respect [your] husband” (see v. 33). When you make a decision to love or respect your spouse, the dividends are without end. Jesus is offering you a bargain. Do a few things on earth in this life and get many things forever in heaven.

WHAT MATTERS TO GOD, MATTERS!

To the world it may make no sense for a wife to put on respect toward a husband who is harsh and unloving. It makes no sense for a husband to put on love toward a contemptuous, disrespectful woman. But it makes sense to God. These seemingly fruitless efforts matter to God because this is the kind of service He rewards. What is wisdom to God is foolishness to the world (see 1 Corinthians 3:19).

One way I like to picture this is that there is a
cha-ching!
effect in heaven when believers do things the world might call stupid. It’s as though a billion angels are holding a gigantic handle. Each time you do something loving or respectful toward your spouse, the angels pull down on that handle. A secret treasure dumps into a colossal golden bowl and
cha-ching!
The lead angel exclaims, “He did it again! He put on love toward that disdainful woman!” . . . “She did it again! She put on respect toward that pathetic man! Okay, everyone, hit it again!
Cha-ching!”

Admittedly, this imagery sounds a little fanciful, but it may not be that far off. The prayers of the saints are collected in “golden bowls” (Revelation 5:8). The Lord is keeping track somehow. As Paul says, “Whatever good thing each one does, this he will receive back from the Lord” (Ephesians 6:8). God’s divine system is in place, and all is accounted for. The books will be opened and all will be judged according to their deeds (see Revelation 20:12).

Am I suggesting in any way that we are supposed to earn our salvation? Obviously not. Paul clearly says we are saved by grace through faith—“it is the gift of God; not as a result of works” (Ephesians 2:8–9). But look at Ephesians 2:10. We are to do the good works that God has already planned for us. Why? Not to appease the Lord or somehow pay “just a little bit” for our salvation, but simply to please Him. And when we please Him, He rewards us.

In 1 Corinthians 3:11–15, Paul clearly distinguishes salvation from rewards. Each believer should build with care on the only real foundation—Jesus Christ. “If any man builds on this foundation using gold, silver, costly stones, wood, hay or straw, his work will be shown for what it is, because the Day will bring it to light. It will be revealed with fire, and the fire will test the quality of each man’s work. If what he has built survives, he will receive his reward. If it is burned up, he will suffer loss; he himself will be saved, but only as one escaping through the flames” (vv. 12–15 NIV).

Some of us may be tempted to say, “I’m not concerned about rewards—I just want to follow the Lord and reach heaven.” But think for a moment. If Christ says He intends to reward you, then who are you to declare, “I don’t care about that”? There is a certain false humility in saying, “Oh, rewards are so unimportant.” Rewards are important because Jesus reveals them as important. I do not believe it is wise to take issue with the Son of God.

Some say rewards are unimportant, but Jesus says, “I am coming soon! I bring my rewards with me.I will reward each person for what he has done”

(Revelation 22:12 NIRV).

Yes, the rewards are waiting.
Nothing we do is wasted
. The Lord is watching with intense interest. A husband who loves his wife as Christ loved the church, and the wife who respects her husband “as to the Lord,” will be rewarded throughout eternity (see Ephesians 5:22–33).

IT’S ABOUT YOU AND JESUS CHRIST

After more than a quarter of a century of counseling married couples and conducting Love and Respect Conferences, I have concluded that we don’t have a “marriage crisis” in the Christian community; we have a crisis of faith. The point is that we all have to come to grips with one question: “Do I or do I not believe what Jesus Himself said?” The whole point is that you really can’t do Love and Respect unless you do it unto Jesus Christ. And if you doubt the reality of Christ, if He is not truly Lord of your life, it won’t work.

Many husbands and wives need to come to the point where they say, “Lord, I do believe; help my unbelief. I want to follow You, and I want to do this as unto You” (see Mark 9:24; Ephesians 6:7–8). One wife who made this discovery wrote:

I used to become very defensive and wounded by men. Now I have learned that my sufficiency is in Christ, my acceptance, my security, my significance comes through Christ. It’s not about me, it’s all about Him. I have nothing to prove to anyone. . . . I can relax and allow the Holy Spirit to work in me and through me.

Yes, there will be times when you will fail, but Proverbs 24:16 says, “A righteous man falls seven times, and rises again.” Nobody can love perfectly and no one can respect perfectly. However, when we do this as unto Christ, we may fall but we can get up. The difference between successful couples and unsuccessful couples is that the successful ones keep getting up and keep dealing with the issues. Unsuccessful couples want it easy. They want it now. They want their needs to be met. They don’t want conflict; they just want everything to be “happy.” This approach is the epitome of immaturity.

The mature husband admits, “I blew it big time. I was wrong. I was unloving again. I’ve got issues I must deal with.” The mature wife says, “You know, I just keep dishonoring you and not respecting you. I keep thinking it’s all about love. I can’t even remember that simple word
respect
.”

I actually had one woman say, “What’s that word again?” I said, “It’s
respect
.” She said, “Oh, yeah, that’s it.”

Fortunately, there are many more wives who learn and apply the word
respect.
One wife discovered her unsaved husband was having an affair, and her respect for him plummeted. Later he came to Christ, they reconciled, and he is now trying to grow into the role of spiritual leader in the home while she tries to be the best wife possible. They have a long way to go, but they are making progress. She writes: