Love and Respect
LOVE AND RESPECT
Copyright © 2004 by Emerson Eggerichs.
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Unless otherwise indicated, Scripture quotations are taken from the New American Standard Bible (NASB), © 1960, 1977, 1995 by the Lockman Foundation.
Other Scripture quotations are taken from the following sources:
The King James Version of the Bible (KJV). The New King James Version (NKJV®), copyright © 1982 by Thomas Nelson, Inc. The Holy Bible, English Standard Version™ (ESV) copyright © 2001 by Crossway Bibles, a division of Good News Publishers. All rights reserved. New International Reader’s Version (NIRV) copyright © 1996, 1998 by International Bible Society. All rights reserved worldwide. The Holy Bible, New International Version (NIV). Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984, International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan Bible Publishers.
Cover Design: Charles Brock, UDG/Design Works, Inc.
Cover Photo: Steve Gardner/pixelworksstudio.net and photos.com
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Eggerichs, Emerson.
Love and respect : the love she most desires, the respect he desperately needs / by Emerson Eggerichs.
p. cm.
ISBN-10: 1-59145-187-6 (hardcover)
ISBN-13: 978-1-59145-187-7 (hardcover)
ISBN-10: 1-59145-417-4 (hardcover with DVD)
ISBN-13: 978-1-59145-417-5 (hardcover with DVD)
ISBN-10: 1-59145-246-5 (IE)
ISBN-13: 978-1-59145-246-1 (IE)
1. Spouses—Religious life. 2. Love—Religious aspects—Christianity. 3. Respect—Religious aspects—Christianity. I. Title.
BV4596.M3E34 2001
248.8'44—dc22
Printed in the United States of America
07 08 09 10 11 RRD 18 17 16 15 14
To Sarah, the love of my life
who has made the writing of this book so much easier.
Lord, Your Word calls a husband to
“Enjoy life with the woman whom you love” (Ecclesiastes 9:9).
I have since 1973.
I do right now.
I forever will.
Introduction: Love Alone Is Not Enough
1. The Simple Secret to a Better Marriage
2. To Communicate, Decipher the Code
3. Why She Won’t Respect; Why He Won’t Love
4. What Men Fear Most Can Keep the Crazy Cycle Spinning
5. She Fears Being a Doormat; He’s Tired of “Just Not Getting It”
6. She Worries about Being a Hypocrite; He Complains, “I Get No Respect!”
7. She Thinks She Can’t Forgive Him; He Says, “Nobody Can Love That Woman!”.
PART TWO: THE ENERGIZING CYCLE
8.
C-O-U-P-L-E
: How to Spell Love to Your Wife
9.
C
loseness
—
She Wants You to Be Close
10.
O
penness
—
She Wants You to Open Up to Her
11.
U
nderstanding
—
Don’t Try to “Fix” Her; Just Listen
12.
P
eacemaking—She Wants You to Say, “I’m Sorry”
13.
L
oyalty—She Needs to Know You’re Committed
14.
E
steem—She Wants You to Honor and Cherish Her
15.
C-H-A-I-R-S
: How to Spell Respect to Your Husband
16.
C
onquest—Appreciate His Desire to Work and Achieve
17.
H
ierarchy—Appreciate His Desire to Protect and Provide
18.
A
uthority—Appreciate His Desire to Serve and to Lead
19.
I
nsight—Appreciate His Desire to Analyze and Counsel
20.
R
elationship—Appreciate His Desire for Shoulder-to-Shoulder Friendship
21.
S
exuality—Appreciate His Desire for Sexual Intimacy
22. The Energizing Cycle Will Work If You Do
PART THREE: THE REWARDED CYCLE
23. The Real Reason to Love and Respect
24. The Truth Can Make You Free, Indeed
Conclusion: Pink and Blue Can Make God’s Purple
Appendix B: Personal Love and Respect Inventory for Husbands and Wives
Appendix C: How to Ask Your Mate to Meet Your Needs
Appendix D: What about Exceptions to the Love and Respect Pattern?
Appendix E: What If Your Husband Is a Workaholic?
For their untold hours of editing and typing, my heartfelt thanks to my good friends, Fritz and Jackie Ridenour. Both are gifts of God to me. They grabbed the vision and would not let go, despite incredible deadline pressures. Without them, this book could not have been completed. They have brought me joy.
I am exceedingly grateful to God for the affirmation and support of our hometown friends in Grand Rapids, Michigan. I love and respect Dick and Betsy DeVos, Kevin and Meg Cusack, and Jim and Betty Buick. From the inception, they believed!
At a CEO event by Focus on the Family I met Michael Coleman, CEO of Integrity Media, and his lovely wife, Jeannie. Michael invited me to consider Integrity Publishers. I did, and more! To his outstanding staff, I salute you! Let’s make a difference with this message.
That Focus on the Family is sponsoring the Love and Respect Marriage Conferences is such an encouragement. That they are putting their seal of approval on this book is so honoring. Thank you, Dr. Dobson and Don Hodel. With you, I am praying we reach young and old.
I am indebted to Sealy Yates, my agent-lawyer, and his office staff. The role he plays in dotting the I’s and giving counsel is unquestionably treasured. Beyond that, his jolly laugh and smiling face bring cheer to each conversation.
To Erinn Swett, my assistant, thanks for competently handling the office while I was writing this book. I am grateful to God for your leadership and giftedness.
To the board of Love and Respect Ministries, I express my appreciation. You have made decisions that continue to advance this worthy cause. There is wisdom in many counselors. Your advice is invaluable.
I thank my children, Jonathan, David, and Joy, for standing with Mom and me. You have blessed us as we have watched you promote the Love and Respect message. Thanks for making this vision your vision. And to David, welcome aboard as a new staff person!
To my sister, I clap my hands in applause. Ann, you have helped me whenever and wherever. I am blessed! Thanks for finding me so many jokes!
My mom and dad are now in heaven. While on earth, both were a testimony to what God can do through two people who open their hearts to Him. Thank you, Mom and Dad, for looking beyond yourselves to God. Later in life, you chose to be faithful to the end.
I am beholden to you who have told me your personal stories of Love and Respect in marriage. Your testimonies will not only help others but have made this book very inviting. As a vice president at Integrity Publishers wrote, “The testimonial letters throughout not only serve as insightful illustrations, but provide dramatic high points along the way. Captivating.” Thank you.
Sarah and I will never know on this side of eternity the impact that is being made because of you—our friends—who prayed for us. You know who you are. We humbly thank you. Remember us still.
In the movie
Chariots of Fire—
about the life of Eric Liddell, the Olympic runner who refused to race on Sundays—the Bible is quoted: “For those who honor Me I will honor” (1 Samuel 2:30). Reader, I wish to acknowledge and honor God. This message on Love and Respect comes from His heart in Ephesians 5:33. This book would not exist if God had not graciously illumined me to His revelation. Though the application of these two truths is my frail attempt to serve you, the essential truths themselves will never change—not any more than God changes. Lord, I thank You most of all and forevermore.
INTRODUCTION
LOVE ALONE
IS NOT ENOUGH
Y
ou may remember how the Beatles sang, “All you need is love.” I absolutely disagree with that conclusion. Five out of ten marriages today are ending in divorce because love alone is
not
enough. Yes, love is vital, especially for the wife, but what we have missed is the husband’s need for respect. This book is about how the wife can fulfill her need to be loved by giving her husband what he needs—respect. Here is the story of one couple who discovered the Love and Respect message just in time:
My husband and I attended your Love and Respect marriage conference. A few days before we had gotten into another “Crazy Cycle” and decided we had had enough and were going to end our marriage. We were both hurt, sad, angry, and despondent. By the way, we are both believers and I work on the staff of a large church.
We had been seeing a Christian marriage counselor and I can honestly say that your conference not only saved our marriage but actually helped us more and gave us more information and strategies than counseling ever did. We had decided to go as a last-ditch effort, but my husband really didn’t believe it would help and almost didn’t go. The truths God has revealed to you are both simple and profound. . . . They started a healing process and revolutionized our marriage. If only we had been given this information thirty years ago, what heartache and pain it would have saved us.
Let me just say, after the close on Saturday, we spent the best afternoon and evening with each other we have had in years. It was like we were in our twenties again and so in love. Emerson, I can honestly tell you, I never ever realized how important, how life-giving, respect was to my husband.
