Love and Other Wicked Games (A Wicked Game Novel) (19 page)

Ellie sniffed and when Cal looked down at her he could see that her eyes were welling up.

“What is it?” he asked, now concerned.

“I was worried what I would find today and mostly it’s been what I expected; the buildings, the streets... but the people are not what I expected at all. They remind me of a saying I heard once: Those who give all they have, no matter how small, give the most. And these people…” She shook her head. “They have so little, yet they still do what they can to help one another. And if they can do it, if these people with so little can still help one another, then what excuse do any of us have not to do the same?”

“Oh,” Cal sighed. “So, nothing’s wrong?”

“No, nothing at all is wrong. Actually I feel the opposite of wrong.” She snuggled into Cal’s side even closer. “I feel hope.”

Cal’s face softened, the glow of her words warming him from the outside in as he ran his hands over her beautiful auburn hair. He looked down at her, his eyes dark and his thoughts clouded with scandal. Holding just one of her hands, he slowly stepped backwards away from her and then held up his other hand to beckon her closer. “Come here.”

She complied without question, following him through the still joyous and occupied crowd, to the narrow covered passageway that lead out to the back alley behind the pub. Spinning her around, he gently pushed her against the wall. Her back landed firmly against the solid stone and she let her mouth gape with a smile, taking several deep breaths.

He took one large step in her direction. They were close enough together now that he could feel her shuddering breaths on his face. The tips of his fingers brushed along the surface of her forehead and he used the pad of his thumb to massage her warm and red cheek. She gasped, shortly and sharply, arching her body towards him and pressing her hips into his. He rocked against her, his left hand now firmly planted on her lower back holding her in place.

Exhaling, he brought his head to hers, lips nearly touching her skin. She leaned into him but he pulled away at the last second, causing her body to tremble. Then once more he leaned in, hovering just above her. His mouth watered to taste her, to take her in.

A delicate whimper escaped her lips.

And he kissed her. His mouth came down hard against hers, covering it completely. Her lips were as smooth as silk and she smelled of rose water and woman. It was driving him mad. With a ravenous and lustful intent he moved against her, his tongue licking and tasting, his hands positioning her body this way and that for the best angle until at long last he found it. Every part of her melted into him as they discovered a place of complimentary harmony. A place that made them both light up.

He lost himself. He nibbled at her bottom lip and sucked on the sensitive skin until her mouth was red and wanton and she called out for him to stop… but not really stop.

At this point he took to kissing her softly and slowly a few times, carefully lifting his lips off of hers for just long enough to hear that succulent gasp. That gasp that invited him back in with escalating need. She needed him, God, yes. Her body needed him and more than that his body needed hers. It needed to press against hers and hold hers and take hers in his mouth. And then it needed to join with hers in a deeper and more powerful way that kissing.

But not yet. God, though, the thought of it. The anticipation.

“How’s that for hope?” he whispered into her swollen, shaking lips. And then he kissed her just a little bit more.

Cal should have stopped while he was ahead, but that would have been the sensible thing to do. He was sure lacking a good bit of sense these days.

He’d planned on telling Ellie the truth at the end of that first meeting, while the energy and emotions were running so high and positive. But God dammit it, he hadn’t been able to do it.

Instead he’d let his desire to do the right thing, the thing he should have done in the first place, be overpowered by his desire for her. He was falling for her so profoundly that kissing her felt like the only option. So, he had. He’d kissed her rather than tell her the truth, and in that moment it felt like the most right thing he had ever done.

Later that night though as he’d walked her home, and then when he finally lay down in his own bed, he was overwhelmed with guilt. By lying to her, especially now that their feelings for each other were growing, he was taking advantage of her. That realization made him sick. Sick and angry. So angry and frustrated that nothing he did calmed him or coaxed him to sleep. Nothing he did was able to give him release either, which only made matters worse. Instead he’d sat up half the night drinking whiskey and cursing himself as anxiety set into his bones.

You are not good enough. You will never be good enough… Especially not for someone as special as Ellie.

The fear echoed in his ears and pulsed in his brain for hours until pure exhaustion took over. Even then, he slept fitfully. When he opened his eyes the next morning with a pounding headache, he still had no earthly idea what to do about Ellie, his fears, or the lies he’d told.

Next time,
he told himself as he remembered the way her baby blue eyes had caressed him.
Next time, I’ll tell her. What harm is one more day anyway?
But he knew the answer to that question: plenty of bloody harm indeed.

They had met only three times in total in just as many days but each time Cal fell for her more completely. He fell deeper and harder and he connected with her in a way he’d never connected with anyone. In a way that he’d never expected or even imagined was possible. She was falling for him too, he thought, and he knew that the more time they spent together the more powerful their feelings would become.

He didn’t want to lose her now, he couldn’t stomach the thought, but he knew that he didn’t truly have her and he would never even have the chance unless he told her the truth. But the longer he let it go, the worse he made his chance of redemption. Each time he avoided the truth he shattered her trust and fed his fear that he would never be good enough.

He needed to do something. He needed to fix this. But how?

If he’d only just told her the truth from the beginning, but he hadn’t and so here they were. He couldn’t turn back the clock now but he couldn’t allow things to continue on this path… could he? Of course not. Not if he ever wanted Ellie to be more to him than she was now. He needed some time to figure out how to fix this mess he’d made and fix it in a way that wouldn’t drive her away from him forever.

He also needed time to try to fix himself. Time to finally heal. But that was a larger, more time consuming project. One he was not sure was even possible. Thankfully the next several days after the rally—
after he’d kissed her for a second time
—provided him the time he needed.

Information about the current mindset of his shareholders was finally starting to flow in from various paid sources. The world of paid information was a shady business though and Cal spent days combing through it all to discern fact from fiction. All the while he was optimistic that something in this information would give him hope. Perhaps animosity for him was not as deep his Uncle seemed to think. Or perhaps his attempts to charm the ever lovely Lady Rivenhall over to his side were actually making a difference. He greatly hoped for the latter... especially since he’d already agreed to escort her to yet another party. In the end he found one clear truth, a truth he’d expected but had no proof of until now: that the shareholders wanted him forcibly removed.

Which was depressing.

As was the fact that he was still being followed.

He’d seen someone following him again a few days ago near his home, and once the day after the meeting he’d gone to with Ellie. He was still certain that no one was looking to harm him and that they only wanted some sort of confirmation that he was planning to undermine the company’s finances… which they would never find because he wasn’t. Still, this running and looking over his shoulder everywhere just in case was beginning to take its toll on him. This work was more daunting and stressful than he’d ever imagined it could be. Mental and physical fatigue plagued him on a daily basis.

And if that wasn’t bad enough, staying away from Ellie wasn’t doing him one lick of good. It was actually making everything worse. The longer he went without seeing her the more powerful his desire for her became. When he closed his eyes all he saw was her. When he lay down in his bed, all he could think about was her. Every part of him ached and wanted, and nothing he did satisfied those needs. He couldn’t figure out what to do or how to fix anything he needed to fix because he couldn’t even think. He couldn’t find relief. He had to see her and talk to her, or he would never even have a chance of figuring everything out.

The next day he headed to her parents’ dress shop determined to speak with her, but as soon as the shop came into view he felt uncertain. He retreated and walked back, again and again, pacing a groove into the dirt with each pass. What would he do or say? What
could
he do or say?

It wasn’t her fault he’d lied to her about who he was and then involved her in his life, despite the dangers. And ignoring her while he tried to figure out how to fix his mess was incredibly selfish. He couldn’t do that to her anymore. He couldn’t do any of this to her anymore. It wasn’t fair to her and he couldn’t even imagine how she must be feeling. He had to stop ignoring her and when the time was right, he had to tell her the truth. All of it. He didn’t know when that might be but he hoped that by the time it came around, he would have found a way to prove to her, and himself, that he was deserving.

He didn’t even know if that was possible but he had to try. Whatever the risks or fears. He didn’t want to be away from her and he could no longer imagine being without her. That was the only constant in all of this. That was the only answer he had. He clung to it. Whatever happened from this point would happen and he’d figure out how to deal with it along the way.

But how?

Again, he thought about just going to the door and knocking. Seeing if the right words found him. But there was a possibility they wouldn’t and he’d only end up hurting her more. No, that wasn’t the answer any more than ignoring her. But he also couldn’t ignore just how serious this situation was. It needed further thought and tact. It needed more preparation than a spontaneous trip to her home after days of avoiding her. He made one final turn in front of the shop and headed back home before anyone, especially Ellie, had a chance to see him.

One week. He gave himself one week of serious thought to figure it all out.

But fate was far less generous.

Three days later, as Cal begrudgingly followed Uncle George back to the ducal residence for yet another booze-fueled lecture about the shareholder meetings he was avoiding and the union meetings he was attending, a woman he soon discovered was Ellie, came around the corner and ran into him.

Ellie, whose head had been down at the time (no doubt double-checking something in her pocket), immediately fell backward and landed squarely on her backside.

Her small purse went flying and she scrambled to her knees to retrieve it. “Oh. Oh no,” she muttered as she crawled along the walkway on all fours in the most undignified, yet somehow bewitching way imaginable. She reached for the small bag but before she could grab it, Cal reached down and scooped up both her and her possessions.

He righted her on her feet and held out her purse.

“Why thank you. I’m so sorry. I should have been watching where I was going…” She wiped her now loose hair out of her eyes and looked up at him.

“Oh,” they both said at the same time as recognition struck.

Cal smiled at her. “Hello, Ellie.”

“Have you been avoiding me?” she asked with an even, yet icy tone.

Well, damn.
But what had he expected? Of course she had figured it out. He’d kissed her passionately and then he’d completely disappeared from her life. It was just another mistake, another selfish thing he’d done to her in the pursuit of doing something right. “I’ve been too busy to meet. I’ve been working on some business to do with the mills… Talking with some people…” He trailed off. That was true, mostly anyway, but it still felt like yet another deep betrayal.

“I could have helped.” A small frown flashed across her face.

“Oh, I don’t mean more meetings. I wasn’t talking to the workers; it was those… other influential people I mentioned.”

“Oh.” She exhaled in thought. “But I saw you. You said you were too busy but I saw you.”

His stomach jumped. “Did you?”

“Yes. Outside the dress shop. You were… pacing.”

Damn it.

“And you were gone before I made it downstairs.” She chewed her bottom lip in a way that made him simultaneously ache with pleasure and pain. “If you weren’t avoiding me then you could have at least stopped and said ‘hello.’”

“No.” He shook his head, softly smiling. “I couldn’t have.”

“Why not?”

“Because it’s never just ‘hello’ with us.”
Never.
Which was exactly the reason he hadn’t stayed to talk to her that day before he figured everything out, and exactly why he now stopped himself from wiping the long strands of light brown and copper hair from her face. His fingers twitched at his side.

“Then what is it with us?”

“I’m sorry I’ve hurt your feelings,” he said, avoiding the question. He just didn’t know how to answer her. He still didn’t know how to explain the truth about everything, and not just about who he was, but about the feelings he had for her and the feelings he now believed she had for him. Looking at her now he thought she might know the answer to her question, but she was just as confused about what to do with it as he was. “I wanted to see you—I had to see you, even though I couldn’t stop to talk—which is why I went to the shop and—”

Hell.
He wasn’t sure why he’d admitted to that. Now she was either going to be incredibly mortified or incredibly flattered. He didn’t know which one was worse.