Love and Other Wicked Games (A Wicked Game Novel) (32 page)

One who didn’t care about her as much as he thought, one who didn’t actually love her, and one that wasn’t bloody good enough for anyone, that’s who. Especially not good enough for someone like her. He’d told Ellie quite a few massive lies but this lie that he’d told himself—that he was good enough—was the biggest, and the most ridiculous. He was a fool to have ever let himself believe there was good in him. A bloody, horrible fool.

And now Cal wasn’t the only one who thought that Ellie would be better off without him. His uncle had told him much the same. And, so it turned out, he was right. All Cal was good for was hurting Ellie but the real dagger was that he couldn’t even blame it on the situations he’d put her in. Yes, they were dangerous situations, he couldn’t dispute that, but she had come willing. Even today she was here by choice. But the reason she had come willingly and made these choices was because he’d lied to her.

If only he’d done the right thing and told her the truth from the beginning, she would have made another choice. She would have chosen the sensible option and stayed the hell away from him. So no matter how he looked at it, all the danger could be traced back to him. It was just him. Everything that happened to her was his fault.

“Cal?” Ellie’s concerned voice broke through his thoughts.

“Hmm?” he managed without looking at her.

“I don’t remember what happened.”

When Cal didn’t answer, Caitlin gave him a stern look. When he still said nothing, she exhaled deeply and went back to work bandaging Ellie’s head as she tried to answer the question herself. “Well, dear. There was a fight down stairs in the courtyard, Union members and the Knobsticks—strike breaks,” she clarified. “And Cal here was trying to get you to safety…”

“I remember that part. But I don’t remember getting hurt or how it happened.”

Ellie looked back to him wanting answers but Cal shook his head and turned away. He didn’t want to tell her because he didn’t want to remember any of it. He didn’t want to remember the panic in her eyes when she was pulled away from him, or the deep sickening pit in his stomach as he let her hand slip away and she disappeared into the crowd.

“Cal. Please—”

“I told you not to let go of my hand,” he said.

“What?”

“That’s what I told you not to do before we left the room.”

“Oh. Oh yes. That was it…” She frowned and furrowed her brow. “Did I?”

“No.” His throat moved up and down several times and he swallowed down the sob that threatened to break free. “I let go of yours.”

“Ohhh.” She waved her hand dismissively as if that would make everything alright.

It wouldn’t.

He was sure that she sensed the tension in the room and she probably thought that it was because of what he’d just told her. It was, partially, but that moment had only confirmed to him what he should have already known all along. He was no good for her. He couldn’t even hold onto her hand in the middle of a bloody mob. He couldn’t even protect her when it mattered the most. He hugged his chest and nearly laughed in misery. How would a hug from him make anything better, even for himself?

“Cal, it’s alright—”

He pointed at her and shook his finger. “No. No, Ellie. It’s not alright.”

“Honestly, it’s just a small bump. I’ll be fine.”

“
Nothing
about this is fine.”

“What’s wrong?” she asked, her voice tinged with worry. She patted the bed next her and smiled. “Come. Sit next to me and we’ll talk about it.”

“No.”

“Fine then. I’ll come to you.” Ellie tried to stand up but her legs wobbled underneath her forcing her to sit back down on the bed. “Or maybe I won’t… I guess I’ll have to call for a carriage again when I’m ready to go home because I certainly won’t be walking…”

“I’ve already sent for your mother to come retrieve you.”

“What?” She tilted her head, thinking. “Why?”

“So you don’t have to ride home alone.”

“And why would I be riding home alone?” Ellie exhaled as a crease notched between her eyes. She looked at her hand and picked at her fingers. “I thought that perhaps you’d accompany me, seeing as I’m hurt…”

“No. I won’t.”

“And why ever not?” Her voice raised both an octave and a decibel. She was obviously tired of the games.

“Because this is goodbye.” There. He’d said it. It was over with. At least that part was anyway. But now he thought his heart might explode. No. He was wrong. The weight of those words were not enough to destroy him, but the expression on Ellie’s face was enough to kill him one thousand times over.

“I’ll just leave you be for now,” Caitlin mumbled as she set aside her water basin and quickly excused herself from the room.

Ellie shook her head, her eyes the size of dinner plates, as her mouth opened and closed searching for words. “
What?
” she said at last, the word a mix of confusion, anger, and pain. “What do you mean this is goodbye? I may not remember what happened to my head but I do clearly remember establishing that you were not saying goodbye. You thought
I
was going to say it. And since I haven’t said it, nor have I any reason to do so, I ask again: what?”

“I’m not who you think I am, Ellie.” Even saying her name caught in his throat like a shard of glass. “I’m not a good man...”

“Of course you are!”

“No. I’m not. And now look what’s happened—”

“I told you, I’m fine. It’s just a small bump—”

“This isn’t about your head! Not only your head anyway. This is about everything. Everything I’ve done do to you, everything I’ve put you though. All the lies and all the dangers…”

“Cal.” Ellie paused and steadied her voice. “What changed between earlier and now?”

“Nothing.” A shiver shook him. He wished to God those earlier moments had never happened, but he’d be forever grateful that he’d stopped himself in time. He wished he could say the same about telling her he loved her. He’d never forgive himself for doing that. “Nothing, except that I’m finally thinking clearly for the first time since we met. Which is why this is over. It has to be. I’m not good enough for you.”

“But—”

“I’m telling you:
we can’t do this anymore.
” Cal said through gritted teeth as he folded his arms at his chest. “I won’t allow it. I won’t hurt you anymore.”

“I don’t need your protection!”

“No. What you need is to just stay the hell away from me and everything will be fine.”

Ellie held up her hands. “Just stop. Stop right there. You haven’t done
anything
to me. This?” She pointed to her head “This is nothing. And it’s not your fault. If my hand slipped out of yours it was as much my fault as anything. And I chose to be here.”

“Because I lie—”

“And danger? That’s just life. You can’t control everything nor should you try. The important thing is that you would never intentionally put me in harm’s way.”

Cal laughed once. “You say you can read people? Well, you must be lying to yourself more than I’ve lied to you. Because I’m
not
a good man. Maybe there was good in me once but that’s long since disappeared. I’ve done too many awful things. And I
have
put you in danger. From the very beginning.”

Cal slapped his hands at his sides and shook his head. He was having a hard time holding his anguish inside but he knew that he must, or his emotions would get the better of him and he’d once again lose the strength and courage to do what was right. “Bringing you along, asking you to get involved in my work was terribly poor judgment on my part. It was an incredibly dangerous position to put you in and all because I wanted to see you again. This whole thing, Ellie, has been nothing but an exercise in selfishness.”

“And I thought I was the one who got hit in the head…”

“This isn’t a joke, Ellie! Don’t you understand? I’m no good for you. I have done nothing but put you in danger this whole time! And I’m too much of a coward to even tell you my name!”

“Your name? What’s that have to do with any of this?”

“It has everything to do with it.
Bloody everything!
”

Ellie put her hands to her head and rubbed at her temples. “Cal, you’re not making any sense. I don’t understand what’s going on. And now my head is beginning to throb. I just need to go home and rest and maybe you need to rest, too. Maybe then you’ll have calmed down and we can talk this through calmly…”

Bless her. Bless her wonderful heart. Even now she had hope and it tore him apart inside to know that he was the one who would have to shatter that. Not that he was the least bit surprised. Even in the end he was hurting her. One final slice. But this was it. He had to do it now. He had to tell her the truth. It was the only way he would ever be able to keep her away from him, and keep himself away from her.

“No. No, Ellie. We won’t be talking this over later because I’m the bloody Du—”

There was a soft creak as the door to his room opened up and three women stepped inside. He recognized one of them as Amelia and the features of the second women told him she was Ellie’s mother, but the third woman…

“You!” the third woman hissed as she pointed her finger at him.

“Me? What about me?” Cal tilted his head. She was looking at him as if she knew who he was and expected him to know who she was. He couldn’t quite place her. Although…

“I know who you are!”

“Ellie!” Amelia planted her steps heavily as she came up next to the third woman and put her hands on her hips. “You told Mandy about your prince?” She threw her hands above her head and then crossed her arms in front of her chest, pouting her lip. “
I thought you said this was our secret!
”

“Prince?” Cal asked, raising a brow and looking back to Ellie. “Is that what you told her?”

Ellie rolled her eyes. “I told her nothing of the sort. I told you about her and her books—Oh, that doesn’t matter—And no, Amelia. I most certainly didn’t say anything to Mandy about, Cal. I don’t know how she knows, not that any of that matters rig—”

“
Cal?
” Mandy’s voice cracked and she turned white as a ghost.

“Looks that way to me,” Ellie’s mother chimed in.

Amelia grunted and threw her hands down at her side. “
You knew too?
”

“Oh, come on now. Of course I knew. I’m a mother. I know when something is going on with my daughter. Always tired as if you weren’t sleeping a wink at night, a glow about your face… And besides,” she smiled satisfactorily, “none of you whisper quite as softly as you think.”

“Fantastic.” Ellie mumbled from the other side of the room. “Well, now that I’m thoroughly embarrassed I would just like to get home and rest. My head is hurting quite a bit.”

But Mandy shook her head and held out her hands, bidding everyone to stay put and listen to her. “Cal. This is your Cal, Ellie? This…
man?
”

Why did she say it in that way?
Cal wondered. Man. As if he couldn’t possibly be one. Not that he felt like he deserved that title but who was this woman? She didn’t know him. Or did she? He looked at Mandy once more trying to place her and that’s when he remembered. He was back on the steps of his villa, drunk as all hell, the day he’d learned about Hart’s death when a woman approached him, yelling... His gaze shot between Mandy and Ellie in desperation. “Oh, no…”

“Oh, no?” Ellie asked. “Oh, no what?”

“Ellie!” Mandy yelled before Cal had a chance to act. “Answer me. Please. Is he your Cal?”

“Yes. He is. But what’s it to you?”

“You
can’t
be serious. This can’t be happening…” Mandy raked her hands through her hair and looked around the room. “I can’t be the only one who recognizes him…”

Cal looked to the three women in front of him. Mandy’s face was turning a vibrant shade of red, Amelia’s eyes were wide as dishes, and Ellie’s mother held a peculiar and almost knowing look on her face, but none of them said a thing.

“Recognize… who?” Ellie asked.

“The Duke!”

“Duke?” Amelia’s eyes lit up. “
I knew it!
”

“This is not the time, Amelia!” Mandy roared.

Ellie sat upright. “Duke?” she asked first looking to Mandy and then to Cal.

“You filthy piece of trash!”

“Mandy!” Ellie yelled. “What are—”

“It’s your fault.
Yours!
” Mandy spat out as she stepped in closer to him, her finger flying about wildly. Cal was paralyzed. “You and your whole family. Bastards. Garbage is what you are. All of you!”

“Mandy, not now. Not like this…” Ellie’s mother laid a hand on Mandy’s arm, trying to calm her down, but Mandy just shoved her away and continued on.

“My family… so many of them gone too soon. Much too soon.
You
did that.” Mandy jabbed her finger into Cal’s chest, making him wince. “Murderer.”

Amelia gasped. “
Murderer?
”

“
Murderer?
” Ellie echoed.

“Might as well be, seeing as you’re the reason they died. You and your bloody selfish family.” She jabbed her finger into Cal’s chest again. All he could do is stand still and absorb the truth of her words. “You deserve that title much more than the one of ‘duke.’”

“Mandy, what’s going on? What do you mean ‘duke’?” Ellie asked again. “Are you saying he’s a duke? But he’s…”

Ellie’s voice trailed off with thought. Before long, her thoughtful stare transitioned into a look of wide eyed disbelief. Cal realized she was finally putting the pieces together.

“Cal…” She said softly, shaking her head from side to side. “Tell me that… no…”

Dammit, dammit, dammit.
Everything he touched turned to ashes. He couldn’t even tell her his name without it all falling apart. It was too late to repair the damage he’d done, but he could at least finally tell her the truth. He owed her that much. It was now or never. Cal’s voice rose up, acid burning every inch of his insides and then—

“He’s the Duke of McAlister!” Mandy yelled at last.

Cal heard his title echo through the air and reverberate through the now deathly silent room. It was too late. All too late. His last chance at salvation was snatched from him like food from a dying man. Not that he deserved salvation. He didn’t. But this truth was the only thing he had left to offer the world and now he didn’t even have that. Now all he had was the sting of silence and the burn of eyes eating into his soul. If he even had one of those.