Lost to You (14 page)

I tensed my shoulders and rocked up onto my toes, then back onto my heels. “I promise I’ll take you out for ice cream afterwards to make up for it.”

One side of her mouth lifted, and a small laugh fluttered from her perfect mouth. “It’s a deal.”

I struggled with the urge to kiss her, tried to remember the lines that had been drawn that now were blurred and smeared, tried to trace back to that moment months before when I’d come to the resolution of who we were and what she meant to me.

I stepped back, minutely shaking my head, realizing Elizabeth could never be contained by that definition. “I’ll see you tomorrow,” I whispered.

“I’ll be ready.”

Elizabeth brushed past me and ambled down the corridor with her head held low again.

I watched her go.

When she glanced at me over her shoulder, my chest tightened. The movement was pensive, searching.

A small, thankful smile tugged at one side of my mouth, and my hand fluttered up in a hesitant wave.

She smiled back. And I saw it again, the way she looked at me that night. It singed my skin, warmed my face, expanded and pushed at my ribs.

I rubbed at my chest, shaken by the impact of her parting glance.

Pushing it off, I instead savored the respite I found in her
okay
.

When she disappeared into the milling crowd, I turned around and ran to catch the last couple minutes of my class.

~

I took my time getting ready for Thanksgiving dinner. It’s not like I could sit around alone in my apartment any longer. All I wanted was to be back in Elizabeth’s presence, to see her face and again be reminded that we would be
okay
.

I dressed in black dress pants, a dark maroon button-up, and a matching tie, then ran some product through my hair to maintain some semblance of style. All I needed was to give my father another reason to tear into me.

I called my mom yesterday after I’d caught the last of my class to tell her to make reservations for four because I was bringing a friend. She’d hesitated, before she scolded me for doing something like this when I knew it would upset my father. I flat out told her I didn’t give a shit what my father thought. They were the last two people I wanted to spend Thanksgiving with, anyway. How sad was that? I dreaded seeing them. My own parents. Sometimes I thought maybe my mother tried, but most of the time, she was like some mindless robot next to my father, as if she didn’t have her own feelings or something.

The only thing that would make it halfway bearable was Elizabeth being there.

I glanced at the clock as I tied my too-shiny black shoes, anxious to get to her. I knew Elizabeth was stepping out, throwing herself into a world where she would feel completely uncomfortable, and I knew she was only doing it for me.

Selfless.

Exactly the opposite of me.

This girl was like none other.

At 5:15, I pulled on my jacket and left my apartment. It was freezing outside. I paused to look up. Heavy, dark clouds hung low, the tops of the skyscrapers disappearing into the winter sky. Night pressed in, and a chill rolled down my spine. I blew into my hands and rubbed them together before I buried them deep in my coat pockets for warmth. Turning, I headed in Elizabeth’s direction.

Outside her building, I looked up to the second floor where her light glowed from behind her drapes. Blood rushed to my ears, and my pulse bolted ahead of me.

Get it together.

Drawing in a steadying breath, I bounded up the steps. My hand shook when I lifted it to her door. I rapped at the wood.

“One second,” echoed from the other side.

Impatience shuffled my feet, and I jerked my head up when the door suddenly flew open.

Warmth blasted across my face, and Elizabeth stood, framed in her doorway.

For a flash, we both froze, trapped, contemplating the other. I smiled lightly as my gaze traveled her face, making sure she was there, that she wanted to be beside me as much as I wanted to be beside her. Tonight she wore more makeup than I’d ever seen her wear, her brown eyes kissed with gold and browns and shimmer, rimmed in black. Her hair was twisted up with pieces tumbling down in all the right places. Every time she blinked, I was struck, mesmerized, the perfection of this girl something that had undone me.

My gaze traveled down. There were a rare few in this world who could stop me in my tracks, but it was only Elizabeth who could bring me to my knees. Her white collared blouse was fitted, the buttons starting just at the top of the cleft of her breasts. Her black skirt was flowy and swished just above her knees. She wore nylons and heels, something I’d never witnessed her in before.

My mouth was dry by the time I looked back at her face, and her cheeks had reddened with my obvious perusal. I cleared my throat, my voice low. “You look amazing, Elizabeth.”

Stunning. Breathtaking.

One of her hands fluttered up to her neck and she self-consciously toyed with a piece of hair that had fallen from the twist. “Thank you.”

Finally, unease seemed to cause her to tear herself away. She turned her back to me, leaving the door open. “Come on in. Let me grab my purse and coat.” The words rushed from her mouth in a tumble, an awkwardness rising in the air, tension that neither of us knew how to deal with. The click of her heels on her hardwood floor punctuated the nerves firing between us.

And I should have known it would be this way, that like Elizabeth had said, whatever this was could no longer be ignored. The second I stepped through her apartment door, it all crashed over me—the way she had smelled, the way she had tasted, the way she had felt. My body reacted, and I was picturing her up against the counter, could hear the sounds that had whispered from her mouth.

I squeezed my eyes and attempted to will it away. Maybe Elizabeth was right. Maybe I couldn’t be around her, because I could do nothing to control the desire from belting me now.

When she looked back at me, I knew she felt it, too. Regret twitched her face as her eyes flitted to the same spot where my mind had just been, but then she turned away and pulled on a long, heavy gray coat. She grabbed a small purse she clutched in her hand. “Are you ready?”

Forcing the reaction down, I smiled, and this time I made it a promise. I would do anything to ensure we were okay.

I swung the door open and stood aside so she could go ahead of me, before I followed her out the door. I jiggled her knob to be sure it was locked. Our footsteps echoed as we carefully made our way down the stairwell. Elizabeth walked slower than normal as she traversed the stairs in heels, her breaths short and rasped as they filled the enclosed space.

“Are you nervous?” I asked.

She slowed, glanced over her shoulder, that same expression on her face. “Yes.”

My feet couldn’t move when she looked at me that way, and I gripped the railing and sucked in a breath when that feeling struck me again.

Elizabeth continued on, and cold air gusted into the stairwell when Elizabeth opened the door. Ahead of me, she shuddered and dipped her head as if it would protect her from the surge of winter blanketing the city, before she paused and pressed her hand over her mouth to stifle a gasp.

“Oh my God,” she whispered. She pushed the door wide and rushed out into the night.

What was she doing?

The door swung closed behind her, and I found my footing and ran down the last few steps to follow her out.

I froze just outside the door.

Elizabeth was there, in the middle of the sidewalk, her arms and face raised to the sky as she slowly spun in a circle.

I stuffed my hands in my pockets to block out some of the chill and stood there watching as little flecks of snow flitted down and melted on the soft skin of Elizabeth’s face. It was one of the most meager shows of snowfall I’d ever seen, but to Elizabeth, it appeared to be the most magical thing she’d ever witnessed. The smile on her face was enough to light up the whole town. Enough to light up my life.

She spun around, looked back at me as if I hadn’t been the culprit of our downfall five days earlier. Flashes of joy sparked in her eyes. “Christian...can you believe it? It’s snowing.”

She shook her head in awe and lifted her face back to the lights reflected in the stormy night sky. Wrapped up in this momentous event, Elizabeth seemed to be more thankful than I had the capacity to make sense of because it was something I’d taken for granted my entire life. Beauty.

It slammed into me so hard it nearly knocked me from my feet. At the same time, it felt completely natural. Inevitable. Simple.

I loved her.

My eyes dropped closed, savoring the truth soaking my body, my nerves thrilling in excitement while my heart beat with a steady content.

I loved her.

I opened my eyes to find her staring over at me, her arms held up just at her sides, as if she’d caught sight of me and had been trapped in that very spot. “What’s wrong?”

A breath escaped through my nose, manifested in the cold air, the space between us too great. “Nothing’s wrong, Elizabeth. Everything is perfect.”

Her nose curled up a little as her head barely tipped to the side, as if she didn’t quite believe me and was searching for something. A question piqued her gentle smile, before she turned her attention back to the fleeting white dotting the sky.

I wondered if she could she see it in me the same way I’d seen it in her, if she knew in that moment she’d unlocked something in me and I’d never be the same.

She stole one last glance at the fluttering sky. “We’d better grab a cab or we’re going to be late.”

I shook myself off. “Yeah. You ready for this?”

Light laughter tipped from Elizabeth’s mouth, the sound echoing in the stiff winter air. “No, not at all.”

I came in close to her side, smiled down at the girl I loved. “Me neither.”

Chapter Nine

Elizabeth

The hushed winter pressed down from above. Flurries danced as they fell. Expanding my lungs with a breath of freezing cold air, I struggled to quell the hammer knocking against my ribs, sought the peace found in the beauty of this night sky.

Christian’s fingers brushed down the inside of my arm before he wound them at the crook of my elbow. His fingertips pulsed twice at the sensitive spot, as if tapping out a message, before they settled and found a secure hold burrowed in my skin.

A flit of uncontained nerves rose as goose bumps along my flesh, and I bit at my lip to cover my reaction. I didn’t know if I could ever feel better than I did right then. A sense of awe sank down deep into my bones, softening the reservations I had about agreeing to attend this dinner with Christian. Never before had I seen snow. The spots where it had fallen and melted against my skin still stung and burned, but the memory covered me like an embrace.

But it was Christian’s touch that had my head spinning.

I guess when I’d agreed to this dinner, I thought we’d fight to get back to the place where we were just friends. I thought we’d shove our feelings down like we’d been doing for so long, that those feelings would fester and grow until we found ourselves in a situation so much like the one we’d been in last Friday night.

I peeked up at him just as he looked down to catch my wondering gaze. One side of his mouth lifted, his eyes soft as they traced my face, and he squeezed my arm a little tighter.

Going back didn’t seem to be a part of Christian’s intentions.

Something had changed from the moment Christian had shown up at my apartment door until he held onto me now, as if the beauty falling around us had the power to chase away all our unanswered questions.

He leaned in close to my face, his head tilted to the side. “I’m so glad you’re coming.”

He’d broken me down so easily. Relief had come like the blaring horn of a freight train when I saw him standing outside my class, his beautiful face marred with the same affliction I’d drowned in for the last week. I’d tried to resist him, to tell him why I had to be true to the decision I’d made, but in the end, I missed him too much. The hole he left behind was too great. There was nothing I could do but concede.

Being around him had become a risk I was willing to take.

“I’m glad I am, too.”

He pulled back a bit and his smile widened before he turned to raise his free hand to hail an approaching cab.

Our breaths rose up and mixed in the crisp night air. The fingers loosened at my arm and glided down to take my hand as the cab pulled to the curb. Christian opened the door and stood aside.

“Scoot in first.” He pressed his palm lightly to the small of my back.

Energy sparked with the light contact. My heart leapt to my throat. Being around Christian had thrown my nerves into overdrive. I scooted all the way across the back seat. Adjusting my skirt, I pulled the seat belt across my chest and snapped it in place.

Christian plopped down beside me with a heavy exhale. “I can’t believe how cold it is out there.”

He puffed hot air from his lungs into the cup of his hands before he rubbed them together, then turned his face my direction. Dim light from the streetlamps bled through the windows, illuminating the confined space. Chunks of black hair had come loose from the style he’d tried to tame it into, pieces sticking up in every direction they shouldn’t be. His chin was held strong in an emotion I didn’t understand, his mouth twisted in a timid smile. But his eyes... Was I wrong, what I saw there? The same thing I thought I’d glimpsed on the sidewalk when we left my apartment five minutes earlier?