Lost to You (9 page)

Fifteen minutes later, we were walking side by side toward Sam’s apartment, a guy I’d never met, but was legendary in the stories Christian told. Knowing them only managed to make me more nervous than before. I’d changed into my best jeans, a cute, wide-necked sweatshirt, and boots, hoping not to embarrass Christian since he was dragging me along.

I was never one for parties. Maybe because to me it symbolized what I’d given up to make it here, but really, it just wasn’t my scene. The few I’d been to had been uncomfortable, the predatory feel in the air, guys assessing whether a girl was as easy as she looked, and girls competing to win that attention.

No thanks.

I glanced back down at what I’d changed into, pretty sure I was going to be completely out of place. With longing, I glanced behind me. Maybe I could come up with an excuse, turn around and go home so I could crawl in my little bed and hide.

“I’m really glad you decided to come with me.”

I jerked my head back to Christian. He flashed me an all-knowing grin, as if he knew exactly what I’d been thinking.

“Yeah, me, too,” I blatantly lied.

Christian chuckled, lifted his face to the night sky with a satisfied breath pushed out into the air. He appeared so relaxed, so casual as he ambled along and I followed.

We turned right at the intersection, and Christian grabbed my hand. I sucked in a sharp breath and tried to hide the way the simple gesture made me feel. His hand was warm, perfect, felt too right. He tugged me to his side. “This is it.”

My eyes traveled the height of the building. It was much nicer than mine, but not nearly as nice as Christian’s. Ten stories of lit windows lined the building. Energy radiated from its walls. Nerves hit me again as Christian swung the door open, and they eased just as quickly when he squeezed my hand.

What was he doing to me tonight? He had my emotions all over the place. I’d come to feel so comfortable in his presence, the want inside subdued to a peaceful glow, something that felt like a stronger connection, something I could control.

Tonight...I wasn’t sure. Something had shifted, tilted the axis where I thought I’d found a perfect balance.

He led me down a narrow hall and pressed the button to the elevator. An encouraging smile lifted his mouth when he looked down at me. “Don’t be nervous. Everyone’s really nice.” A slight chuckle echoed in the confines of the old elevator when we stepped inside, and still he held my hand, a gentle encouragement, maybe a thank you for coming. “I mean, they’re idiots, but nice.”

I nodded subtly.

Great.

The elevator door slid open on the fifth floor. Music pumped into the hall from behind what seemed like every door.

Several doors down the hall, Christian rapped twice and swung it open without an invitation.

He towed me in behind him. My feet faltered, and I shrank back when I met the scene inside. People littered the room, packed together, the space so full and overbearing that my throat tightened and I found it hard to breathe.

“Christian!” a guy shouted from across the din of the room. He wore his hat backward and a wrinkled button-up, his tongued slurred.

“Hey, man.”

Christian inclined his head my direction, whisper-shouted in my ear. “That’s Tom.”

I nodded. Christian had mentioned him before, always in a
you won’t believe what my dumbass friend did
sort of way.

“And who do we have here?”

“This is my friend, Elizabeth.”

“Elizabeth.” The tilt of Tom’s head told me he’d heard my name before. He extended his hand. Dark brown eyes shifted down the length of my body as he shook my hand.

I had the urge to hide behind Christian, or maybe run.

I looked back around the room again.

Yeah. Running seemed like a really good idea.

“Come on.” Christian tugged me into the crowd, a crush of bodies and music and the overpowering smell of alcohol washing over me in a heady wave. His mouth was close to my ear. “You want a beer?”

Not really, but what else was I supposed to do in this atmosphere? “Sure,” I shouted over the music.

Christian wound us through the room, pausing to talk to a few people, introducing me to faces and names I would never remember. To the right, a small kitchen overflowed with students surrounding a keg. The music played from the other room, and in here, people yelled as they drank, girls laughed too loud and wore too little.

Self-consciously, I peeked down at my jeans and sweatshirt. No question, I was out of place. It was affirmed by the stares I received, the quick glances and hushed whispers.

I edged closer to Christian’s side.

What in the world was he thinking bringing me here?

Strangest was, in it, Christian emanated ease, brash as he bantered with his friends. It was hard to reconcile the two, the Christian I’d come to know in our quiet evenings at his place, and the one I’d first recognized when he walked through the door to the café more than three months before.

Worst was,
they
were here. I could feel them, the eyes that caressed Christian with familiarity, those who’d known his body the way I’d never allow myself to. Their eyes would ultimately slide to study my face with barely constrained sneers, then drop to the place where Christian had his hand wrapped around mine.

What they didn’t know was that this was the first time Christian had ever held my hand, that I didn’t belong to him, and that I never would.

Jealousy struck me like a slap to the face.

Because for the most fleeting moment, I wished for once to trade them places. Just once to slip into the role of the casual girl who could handle
this
.

Christian broke from me, filled a red cup, and passed it my direction, cutting into my thoughts. His smile was so infectious, directed only at me. Blue eyes embraced my face, searching, silently asking if I was okay.

I’d once thought him too pretty. Now I knew better. He was beautiful. I’d spent countless days and hours with him, and the effect was still the same. I’d just learned to disguise it, to lump it in with the affection I felt for him as a friend. And it was strong, the part of me that begged for Christian’s touch. But the affection I held for him was so much greater than the hunger these girls were watching him with, so much greater than the obscured lust that swirled and pulsed in my veins.

I could never give into one night. Not even a short-lived affair. It just wasn’t worth it. I’d never survive without Christian in my life.

Sipping at the bitter liquid in my cup, I fidgeted uncomfortably as my attention flitted around the room at the faces of the people Christian called friends. Halfheartedly, I listened to the conversations happening around me, pretending to act as if I was interested and enjoying myself, since Christian seemed to be having fun.

I forced myself to finish one beer in the span of time it took Christian to down five. He attempted to include me, but I just couldn’t settle, couldn’t find comfort in this place. I gave a little yank at the hem of his shirt to get his attention. He turned back to me.

“Is there a restroom I can use?”

I could tell he was a little buzzed, his pupils wider and slowed. He squinted to focus on me. Then he tipped me that earth-shattering smile. “Yeah, sure...it’s right down the hall. You want me to come with you?”

I forced myself to smile back. “No, I’m fine. I’ll be right back.”

“Okay.” He turned back to the guy he was talking to.

Keeping my head down, I made my way through the crowd, twisting and turning as I did my best to avoid both eye and skin contact, and fumbled my way through.

Thank God the bathroom was empty.

I shut the door behind me, and leaned against it. Raising my face to the ceiling, I expelled a weighted sigh into the reprieve of the bathroom. Music vibrated through the walls, though it was dimmed and dulled.

What the hell am I doing
? It was ridiculous to feel this much discomfort. It wasn’t like I wasn’t surrounded by these same kind of people in my classes, that I didn’t sit by them every day, or that I really thought bad about any of them. And I wasn’t normally this insecure girl who cared about prying eyes or what anyone thought of me.

Awareness pressed into my senses. I refuted it. Internally denied it. But its truth screamed in my ear. An unfound possessiveness rapid fired from my nerves, spun and wove a web around my heart, and the jealousy I’d felt earlier beat a steady song within the confines of my chest.

I forced myself to move to the sink and splashed cool water on my face. It struck me again, and I gripped my hands in my hair.

Shit. Shit. Shit.

I was never supposed to allow myself to feel this way.

Straightening, I looked up at the misery that awaited me in the mirror.

What the hell was I supposed to do now?

Someone banged at the door. “Come on...you’re not the only person here.”

Sighing, I steeled myself and headed out, ducking my head when I was met with the scowl on the face of the girl waiting on the other side of the door.

“About time.”

I didn’t acknowledge her, just brushed by with my attention trained on the ground. The hall was dark as I hauled myself forward and worked my way back through the throng. All I wanted was to find Christian and ask him to get me out of here.

A foreign hand pulled at my arm as I passed, and I spun around to one of the guys Christian had introduced me to when we first got here. Max? Yeah. Max. “Where you goin’ so fast?”

I yanked my arm away, hating his obvious perusal. “Just looking for Christian.”

“Right.” The guy laughed in his stupor. “Well, if you can’t find him, you know where to find me.”

Ugh.

Why was Christian so into this?

Pushing forward, I came to a stumbling standstill on the outskirts of the living room.

Because I knew why. I always had.

Christian had moved into the living room. Even from here, he crowded my space. His presence slipped over my skin, penetrating, invading everything. He held me in a way no one ever had, in a way I knew was impossible for anyone else to.

He leaned with one shoulder on the wall while some girl with long brown hair nearly climbed his body, inching up to whisper something in his ear. His head tilted back, and I caught a flash of his gorgeous face before he leaned back into her.

This was why he was here.

An ache unlike anything I’d ever felt pierced me all the way to my core.

I wasn’t angry with Christian. He’d never tried to hide this from me. Had never lied and had never promised me anything. And the little he’d asked me for, I’d immediately shot down.

It didn’t mean seeing him here, like this, didn’t hurt like I’d been thrown into the deepest, most excruciating pit in Hell.

I couldn’t be here.

Turning, I fled. I shoved through the heated crowd. They mumbled and stared as I forced them out of my way. I couldn’t bring myself to care about how rude I was being. I tore out the door. I didn’t bother to wait for the elevator. Instead, I grappled with the metal latch and flung the stairwell door open wide. My footsteps pounded on the cement stairs, echoed in my ears as labored breaths panted from my mouth.

With burdened feet, I stumbled outside. Cool air clashed with my flaming skin, and I bent over and tried to catch my breath.

Stupid, stupid girl
. I’d been a fool for allowing this to happen.

I pulled out my phone, typed out the easiest excuse I could find, and pressed send.

Then I ran from the one thing in my life I wanted most.

Chapter Six

Christian

I tried to ignore the way I felt when Elizabeth left my side to find the restroom, but it was impossible. I downed the rest of my beer, hoping it’d cover the sudden void inside that told me I was missing something.

“Dude, you wouldn’t believe how fucking funny it was. You should have been there.” Kenny leaned in close to my ear so I could hear him tell the story about a girl he’d seen crash into three different cars in a parking lot when he’d ventured into New Jersey the weekend before. “She had to be the dumbest bitch I’ve ever seen in my life.”

I struggled to pay attention.

But my only focus was this strange sensation, how my hand burned from the first true contact I’d ever had with Elizabeth. I’d taken her hand to give her reassurance because she was all jerky with nervous energy, as if we were getting ready to enter the place where her worst nightmares were bred. It was just to give her a little comfort, a simple gesture to remind her I was there, but then it turned out I was the one who couldn’t let go. I was only holding her hand, for fuck’s sake, and now it was all I could think about. I felt singed from the inside out, or maybe the outside in, I couldn’t really tell. It was all encompassing. I was beginning to think the resolution I’d made months before was a mistake, because I was hard just from holding a girl’s hand. I really needed to get laid.

Truth was, Elizabeth was slowly driving me insane. Physically. Emotionally. Completely. The urge to reach out and touch her again was killing me, to run my fingers across her face and over her lips. To push it further, to push
her
further, to end this madness that had me spun up, teetering at the cusp, so close to spinning me out of control.