Lost to You (11 page)

Honesty flowed from my mouth in a soft whisper. “No...not if you’re not there.” It was true. There wasn’t anyone I’d rather be with.

“But...” Elizabeth trailed off, a heavy implication seeded in the word.

My steps were slow as I crept up behind her. I stopped an inch of my chest brushing her back. Everything closed in around us, as if the small space separating us no longer existed. “But what?”

If I wasn’t paying such close attention, I would have missed the way her muscles tensed, the subtle flinch as she dropped her head.

“I saw you with that girl.” Her admission flooded from her mouth as a trembled whisper, and swells of resentment emanated from her body, rushed in waves across mine, her shallow breaths distinct in the otherwise silent room.

Elizabeth was jealous.

A selfish satisfaction permeated my being, and something overpowering rose up in the pit of my stomach. It was wrong, but unstoppable. Over the last few months, she’d done her best to hide her attraction. But I’d seen it, found it in the way she looked at me when she thought I wasn’t paying attention, how her eyes would roam and skim, spurring a tension between us that slowed our movements, as if the air in the room had been compressed. In those moments, I glimpsed in her what I’d been trying to hold back in myself since the second I’d seen her. But this... I wondered if she felt anything close to what I felt when she’d admitted to me a month ago that she’d slept with some guy. That someone had touched her. Possessive envy had roiled through my veins, and I couldn’t tell what I wanted more—to kill this guy for what he’d done to her, or show her how good I could make her feel.

“Elizabeth...” I leaned in close to one side of her shoulder, my mouth near her ear. “Did you really think I would ditch you for Rachel?” How could she possibly think that? “She’s all over me every weekend, and I’ve never even touched her. You can’t just take off because you assume something is going on when you have no idea what’s really happening. Do you think I’m such a jerk that I’d take you to that party and then leave with Rachel?” My voice softened. “You
scared
me.” The last came with the residual of my fear. Yeah. I wanted her. But she had to know it went so much deeper than that, that I cared about her and wouldn’t know what I’d do if anything ever happened to her.

I saw the remorse in the sag of her shoulders.

“Elizabeth—”

“No. I don’t think that. I just...,” she mumbled, “I’m sorry.” Blonde waves fell to one side, a gentle sway of her body that I matched. Her wide-collared shirt had slipped off the cap of her delicate shoulder, teasing me with the honey-kissed skin. Her movements were all innocent and sad, and I had the sudden overwhelming need to mark her. Claim her.

I descended on her before I could stop myself, my mouth gentle as I kissed her below the slope where her neck and shoulder met, my hands firm on her hips. She tasted like heaven.

My entire body hardened as I pressed myself along the length of her back.

For a moment, Elizabeth melted, a supple yielding as her head lolled to the side in a second’s submission, before she froze and spun to untangle herself from my hold.

Lines forged a path of betrayal across her face, and tears gathered in her eyes. “What are you doing?”

I stumbled back, my body still reeling from its first taste of Elizabeth. And all I could think was I wanted more.

Our chests heaving, we just stared, lost in desire and indecision.

“Elizabeth,” I breathed across the space. Her eyes flashed with the sound of her name.

I couldn’t stop this, whatever insanity she had brought over me. I inched back toward her, raised my hand, and caressed my fingers down her cheek.

Her eyes fell closed and her lips parted.

My hand slid around to palm her neck, while I wove the other arm around her waist. I tipped her head up at the same time as I pulled her flush against me. The fire I’d kept inside for so many months licked at my insides, seeking a way out.

Elizabeth gasped and her eyes flew open. The honeyed amber liquefied, her expression so soft and unsure. Shaky hands came up to rest on my chest. She wanted me as badly as I wanted her. I knew it, could feel it as a tremor rolled down her spine and spread out beneath my palms. I didn’t know how to handle this, had no idea what I felt other than how fucking amazing she felt wrapped up in my arms.

I searched for hesitation, but all I found was her willing me to do it. To cross the line she’d put in place. I dipped down and pressed my mouth to hers. With just the slightest touch, desire ripped through me, spiked in a place I’d never felt before.

The hands on my chest fisted in my shirt and Elizabeth lifted up on her toes.

My head spun as I intensified the kiss. My mouth became desperate as I moved against the sweetness of her lips, coaxing, begging.

A tiny moan vibrated up her throat, and Elizabeth surrendered. Her mouth opened, and our tongues met in an eruption that had been building for too many months. I could almost taste her inexperience. She explored my mouth so tentatively, as if she were seeking something without knowing what she was looking for, telling me something when she didn’t have the words. Indistinct murmurings melted as they met my lips. I swallowed them down, kissed her deeper. Fingers thread through my hair and she gently tugged to bring me closer.

A thrill shot through my body.

“Elizabeth,” I murmured at her mouth, pulling away for the smallest second to anchor my fingers in her hair, to look at this girl I still couldn’t understand—one who scared me yet made me so insanely happy all at the same time. My fingers spread out and I held her head in both hands, her face lifted to me. Nothing had ever felt like this, this need that coiled and pooled and pulsed. I needed her.

I captured her mouth again as I dropped one hand and smoothed it over her shoulder and down her side. Chills shot through Elizabeth, and she shook as I snaked my hand just under the hem of her sweatshirt. My thumb teased across the bare flesh at her hip, testing how far she wanted this go.

Elizabeth only nipped at my lip and tugged it between her teeth.

I almost lost it. The ache I’d been dealing with for months multiplied and transformed.

“Oh shit, Elizabeth.”

Her bare skin scorched me as I glided my palm up her back. I was met with no barriers, her skin smooth as I explored the soft expanse along the length of her back.

“Christian,” she whispered, clutching me just as tightly as I clutched her, her fingers digging, her body imploring. “Christian, I need you.”

This girl, my best friend. My best friend.
And I knew I was a fool, so stupid to push her. I couldn’t stand the thought of losing her, but I couldn’t stand the thought of not having her, either.

I didn’t want it to end, so I pushed it further, and slid my palm around her slim waist. A tiny shudder escaped Elizabeth and she flexed her stomach as she sucked in a shocked breath.

But she never let go.

The soft ridges of her flat belly enticed me further. My hand jerked as I inched it up. The hand in her hair tightened as the force of my kiss bowed her back. Her weight rested on my forearm as I supported her head, my body nearly hovering over hers.

How many times had I imagined this, what it’d be like to touch her?

I skimmed over her small, round breast, my thumb flicking across her nipple.

Elizabeth whimpered and pushed herself further into my hand, emitted this sound that tickled my ears and spurred me forward.

“Shit...Elizabeth,” I mumbled as I edged her back and pushed her up against the small counter and ground myself into her. Maybe I’d have thought to Elizabeth it’d be the most obscene gesture. Instead, it evoked the most seductive sound to roll from her tongue.

I pulled away for a breath and Elizabeth searched for air as she lifted her face toward the ceiling. She held onto my shoulders as her chest heaved and her heart thundered. “Christian...I don’t...please.” It was all throaty and warm, discordant, her thoughts as jumbled as mine.

I buried my face in her neck, kissed her down to her collar bone, then up to the hollow behind her ear. Her skin was so sweet and her pants were so thin, and I was consumed by this feeling, too much confusion and disorder and need. Fuck. I wanted her, and I felt like I was going crazy because there was no possible way I could get enough of Elizabeth.

A haze surrounded us, desire and lust. Would she let me? My mouth was at her ear as I bit at her skin, whispered, “Please, Elizabeth, I want to fuck you so bad...do you have any idea how badly I want you?”

My hands traveled to her hips, my fingers burrowing into her flesh as I shamelessly pressed myself into her again so she’d make no mistake of what she did to me. She had to know she was the only one who’d ever done
this
to me, this void she’d created that somehow only she could fill.

Beneath me, Elizabeth froze. Every muscle in her body stiffened before her hands slid from my shoulders to my chest, and she shoved me off her. I was caught off guard, and I floundered back.

Her expression doused me in cold, extinguished the fire. Lines of hurt and disgust twisted her face. Silent tears streamed down her cheeks, and she blinked for the longest moment, before stunned eyes turned up to stare at me.

Shit.

Had that really just come out of my mouth?

My heart pounded too fast, and I tried to catch my breath, to calm my screaming body. I tugged a frustrated hand through my hair. A storm of emotions tore through my consciousness.

“Do you know nothing about me, Christian?” I could see her struggling to hold it in, but more tears fell. “Do you really think that’s what I want? To be fucked?”

Just like I knew I would, I hurt her, without even knowing it.

“Is that what this was?” she wheezed, wrapping her arms around her stomach. She took a pained step back.

“Elizabeth...” I lifted my hand, wishing to reach out and touch her, knowing I couldn’t. “That’s not what I meant.”

“Then what did you mean?” It was an accusation.

I searched for an explanation, how to describe what I felt. I couldn’t find the words because I didn’t know myself.

A wounded cry worked its way free from Elizabeth, and she squeezed her eyes shut and turned her face down and to the side, hugging herself tighter.

My chest constricted with the need to comfort her, to take her in my arms and just hug her, and tell her we’d work it out, but touching her was what had caused all of this to begin with.

“Elizabeth...I—” I didn’t know exactly what to say. Wasn’t it obvious? I was dying to have her. Didn’t she get that? I always had.

But when she looked back up, I understood it all.

The world dropped from beneath me, and I stumbled back the last few steps until my back was plastered against her door.

My best friend.

Elizabeth’s chin quivered, and one side of her mouth was drawn in as if she were chewing on the inside of her lip. But her eyes...it was there.

What had I done?

I met her gaze, searching for a mistake, for some way to take it all back to the place where it was just me and Elizabeth, where we were friends and we laughed and we dealt with all the rest of this shit on the inside.

But I’d crossed the line, and Elizabeth could no longer hold it back.

“Christian,” she pled, chancing a tortured step forward. “Tell me what that was.”

I shook my head and swallowed, wishing for an easy escape. I had no idea how to handle this. Because Elizabeth wanted a promise, and I couldn’t give her that. “I don’t know...I’m sorry, Elizabeth, but I don’t know.”

She slowly shook her head. “I’m not sure I can do this anymore.”

“Don’t let this mess up our friendship... I can’t lose that, Elizabeth.”

Disbelief drew her brows together, wove with the sadness in her eyes.

“You don’t want to mess up our friendship?” She shook her head. “Just go, Christian.”

“Elizabeth...”

“Please. It’s really late.” Deliberating, she twisted her fingers together. “I think I need some time.”

Swallowing, I stepped away from the door so I could pull it open. I hesitated, but could find nothing to say that would make this any better. All I could think was how much I hated myself for ruining the one truly good thing I had in my life.

With my back to her, I paused, whispered, “I really am sorry, Elizabeth,” before I walked out and quietly clicked it shut behind me.

Chapter Seven

Elizabeth

The sharp click of the door behind me nearly brought me to my knees. I clutched my stomach, struggling to hold in the pain. But it was too intense.

“Oh, God,” I whimpered, holding my palm over my mouth. But I couldn’t stop the sob from breaking free. It came as an offensive echo around the room.

I wanted to stop it, but it was too late. The damage was already done.

I’d stumbled. Fallen.

Considering how I felt, I should have known better than to let Christian through my door. At the party, I’d been hit with the magnitude of how deep my affections ran. Wrapped up in how bad that realization stung, it’d left me vulnerable. The knock on my door had jarred my hopes, flamed the fear, and stoked my need.