Lost at School (16 page)

There’s another reason the kid might be having difficulty moving
off his original solution: He’s been well trained. Kids who get a lot of Plan A thrown at them become good at throwing Plan A back. They may not have had much experience solving problems in any other way.

Just in case you’re wondering what the general game plan is, over time—after multiple repetitions—Plan B should significantly reduce challenging behavior. Problems are being solved one at a time. The kid is learning that his concerns are being heard and addressed, so there’s really nothing to get upset about. The kid is learning skills crucial to handling life’s social, emotional, and behavioral challenges. It’s all good.

Let’s see how the three steps would look all together, once again assuming that things are going fairly smoothly. Forgive the redundancy … some learners benefit from multiple repetitions:

      A
DULT
(Empathy step, kicking off Proactive B): I’ve noticed that you’ve been getting pretty mad at some of the other kids lately. What’s up?

      C
HILD
:
They won’t let me play with them.

      A
DULT
(clarifying the concern): Ah, they won’t let you play with them and that makes you mad.

      C
HILD
:
Yep.

      A
DULT
(reassurance, then Defining the Problem, then Inviting): I’m not saying you shouldn’t get mad when they won’t let you play with them. The thing is, we want everyone to feel safe in our classroom and to let one another know how we’re feeling with our words. When you hit other kids, I think they get hurt and don’t feel very safe … and they may not even know why you’re mad. I wonder if there’s a way for you to let me know you’re mad that the other kids won’t let you play with them without you hitting them. Do you have any ideas?

      C
HILD
:
You could tell them to let me play with them.

      A
DULT
:
Well, there’s an idea. And I think we could work on that as a class. The thing is, I’m not always right there when they’re not letting you join in, so I’m thinking there would still be times when you might get mad. So we would still
need to find a way for you to let me know you’re mad at the other kids without you hitting them. Yes?

      C
HILD
:
Yes.

      A
DULT
:
So, what do you think? Do you have any ideas?

      C
HILD
:
I could come tell you.

      A
DULT
:
Yes, you could. Do you think you could remember to do that?

      C
HILD
:
Yes … well, maybe not always.

      A
DULT
:
What could we do so you don’t forget?

      C
HILD
:
You could remind me before we go to recess or choice time—that’s when they’re doing stuff I want to join in on.

      A
DULT
:
We could try that. And if our solution doesn’t get the job done, we’ll get back together and talk about it some more, yes?

      C
HILD
:
Yes.

      A
DULT
(Empathy, kicking off Proactive B): I’ve noticed that you haven’t been getting much homework done lately.

      O
LDER
K
ID
:
I’ve been getting some homework done.

      A
DULT
(clarifying the concern): Yes, some, that’s true. But less than usual, yes?

      O
LDER
K
ID
:
Yeah.

      A
DULT
:
So, what’s up? How come you’re getting less done than usual?

      O
LDER
K
ID
:
Most of the homework lately is our geography projects … and I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to look that stuff up. Plus, don’t take this wrong, it’s not that interesting. I got stuck with Uzbekistan, or whatever it’s called.

      A
DULT
(still clarifying): That’s true, we have been spending a lot of time on our geography projects. And it sounds like you’re not too interested in the country you were assigned.

      O
LDER
K
ID
:
Yeah, I mean, I don’t really care about Uzbekistan … it’s a boring country.

      A
DULT
(clarifying further): So we have two things going on: You’re not sure what to do to get your project going, and you’re not too happy with the country you were assigned.

      
O
LDER
K
ID
:
Yep.

      A
DULT
(clarifying further still): So help me understand. Are you having trouble getting going because you don’t like your country, or would you have difficulty getting going no matter what your country is?

      O
LDER
K
ID
:
Well, the country I got assigned isn’t helping. But you usually let us work with partners on stuff like this, and now I’m on my own. And I don’t know where to start … or how to look it up.

      A
DULT
(Defining the Problem): I think I understand. The thing is, I wanted to have a few projects you did on your own, otherwise it’ll always be really hard for you.

      O
LDER
K
ID
:
Uh-huh.

      A
DULT
(Inviting): So I’m wondering if there’s a way for us to help you get started on your project and look things up, but do it independently so I can be sure you know how to do it on your own. Do you have any ideas for how we could do that?

      O
LDER
K
ID
:
You could help me.

      A
DULT
:
I could help you. But I don’t want to do the whole thing for you … then you wouldn’t be learning how to do it independently.

      O
LDER
K
ID
:
Yeah, but you could, like, help me make an outline or something, just to get me going. Just so I know what topics I’m supposed to be looking up, so I know where to start.

      A
DULT
:
We could work on an outline together. You’ve done this before, so I’m betting you have more ideas than you think you do.

      O
LDER
K
ID
:
Yeah, but I’m always partnered with Kenneth or Philip, and they know what they’re doing.

      A
DULT
:
So should we work on an outline together?

      O
LDER
K
ID
:
OK. But what about Uzbekistan?

      A
DULT
:
I take it you’d like to switch countries.

      O
LDER
K
ID
:
Can I?

      A
DULT
:
Well, I don’t have an incredible need for you to do Uzbekistan. And you haven’t done any work on Uzbekistan
yet, so it’s not like you’ll have wasted your time. But I would like you to do a country in that region because I’m trying to make sure we have good coverage of the entire world. Is there another country in that region you’d like to do?

      O
LDER
K
ID
:
I’ll look.

      A
DULT
:
Just let me know which one you choose so I can make sure no one else is doing the same country. And if our solution about the homework doesn’t work, we’ll talk again and make sure we come up with something that does work.

      O
LDER
K
ID
:
OK.

If you’re thinking that these issues don’t have a high degree of difficulty, you’re right, although many a major incident has begun with a seemingly minor issue, and hitting other kids isn’t so minor. The two kids certainly did a good job of identifying and articulating their concerns, and they sure were good at coming up with solutions (actually, you’ll be amazed at the number of kids who take the Plan B ball and run with it when given the chance, and we have the rest of the book to consider those who can’t).

If you’re also thinking that Plan B can take some time, you’d be right. On average, maybe about five to ten minutes (longer, at least initially, on complicated problems that have gone unresolved for a long time). But the conversations are usually taking place anyway. When you’re using Plan B, the conversations are much more productive. You’re not telling a kid he’s making bad choices (if he
could
make better choices, he
would
). You’re not reminding him of more desirable alternative behaviors (if he
could
exhibit these preferred alternative behaviors, he
would
). You’re not imposing
your
solutions (that’s Plan A). Plan B helps you get the information you need to establish what’s getting in the kid’s way and helps you solve the problem durably and collaboratively.

Sometimes adults feel they’ve somehow failed if they don’t make their way through all three steps of Plan B on the first try. Don’t sweat it. Very difficult problems—actually, even what seem like very simple problems—typically require more than one conversation. If, in your
first attempt at Plan B on a chronic, time-consuming problem, you’re able to identify the kid’s concern, that’s a success. Get back to the next two steps tomorrow.

You may have noticed that problems tend to be a little more complicated once you start talking about them, but if we don’t talk about them we’ll never discover that. You may also have noticed that Plan B always ends with an agreement to talk again if the solution doesn’t go as well as hoped. Often the first solution doesn’t solve the problem durably. That’s not your signal to abandon the Plan B ship, only a sign that the solution you both thought would accomplish the mission probably wasn’t as realistic or mutually satisfactory as it may have first seemed (a fairly common circumstance in the course of human affairs!). In life, most good solutions are improvements on prior solutions that didn’t quite get the job done.

Now that we’ve made our way through basic, relatively straightforward Proactive Plan B, let’s briefly turn our attention to Emergency B. The main difference between Proactive B and Emergency B is
timing
and the wording of the Empathy step. As regards the former, Emergency B occurs both in the heat of the moment and in front of all the other kids in the class. Doing Emergency B in front of the entire group isn’t an unrealistic option, but it depends on your comfort level. Comfortable or not, Emergency B isn’t the ideal way to solve problems durably, collaboratively, and reasonably. Nonetheless, you may have need for Emergency B every now and again.

When you’re doing Emergency B, the Empathy step involves repeating the kid’s concern back to him, sticking closely to his exact words. Some people call this “reflective listening.” Here’s what this would sound like, using the same characters that were helping us out earlier:

      C
HILD
(yelling at his classmates): You guys are making me mad!

      A
DULT
(Empathy step, kicking off Emergency B): Looks like someone is getting very mad! What’s up?

      K
ID
:
I’m not doing this homework project!

      
A
DULT
(Empathy step, kicking off Emergency B): You’re not doing this homework project! What’s up?

If you’re a classroom teacher, you’re probably wondering whether Emergency B is a viable option if, for example, the child in the first example had already hit one of his classmates. Yes, it is (
“Looks like we have a problem here, what’s up?”
or
“Kelvin, you’re very upset, what’s up?”
). Not to beat a dead horse, but it’s important to remember that problems that “suddenly” erupt are typically predictable in the first place, and that Proactive B would have been easier and more productive than Emergency B. Of course, Plan A (
“Stop hitting, now!” or “Kelvin, out in the hall, now!”
) is also an option at the moment a problem arises in the classroom, but Plan A does carry the risk of making the situation much worse.

On problems that “suddenly” come to the fore that do not involve safety (
“I’m not doing this assignment!”
), Plan C could also be a viable option (
“Richie, can you hang tight for a few minutes so I can make sure everyone else is set?”
), so long as it’s understood that the issue will need to be addressed with the kid at the earliest opportune moment using Proactive Plan B.