Lost at School (15 page)

Sometimes kids put a
solution
on the table rather than a
concern
. Your job is ensure that the kid’s concern ends up on the table. Here’s how you might get that ball rolling:

      A
DULT
:
I’ve noticed you’ve been having some trouble with swearing lately. What’s up?

      K
ID
:
I’ve decided to work really hard on that so I don’t swear anymore.

      A
DULT
: Oh … uh, I’m delighted to hear that. Though I was still hoping we might be able to figure out why you’re swearing so much, and maybe also figure out when it’s happening.

      K
ID
:
Um … sometimes the words just pop out….

Feeling heard and understood tends to be calming. But Empathy alone isn’t sufficient for keeping some kids, especially the highly reactive ones, calm enough to hang in there with Plan B. They might need some reassurance as well. Reassurance about what? First and foremost, reassurance that you’re not using Plan A. You see, these kids have had a lot more Plan A in their lives than Plan B, so they’re probably still betting on the Plan A horse. This being the case, early on they may get heated up in response to Plan B because they’re not yet accustomed to your trying to collaborate with them to solve problems. They’re going to need some reassurance on that count. But since they don’t know what Plan A is, you can’t say, “I’m not using Plan A.” Instead, you could say something like, “I’m not saying no,” or “I’m not saying you must,” or “I’m not saying you can’t.” Of course, you’re not saying “yes,” or “you don’t have to” or “you can,” either. Other examples of reassurance are “I’m not mad,” “You’re not in trouble,” “I’m not going to tell you what to do,” and “I’m just trying to understand.”

When adults struggle with the Empathy step, it’s usually because they aren’t sure exactly what words to use (luckily, there are tons of examples throughout this book). Some adults fear that the Empathy step is a prelude to capitulating to the kid’s wishes. Don’t worry, you’re not about to capitulate. You’re about to
collaborate.

DEFINE THE PROBLEM

In the second step of Plan B the adult brings his or her concern about a problem or unmet expectation into consideration. This is called the Define the Problem step because a problem is defined simply as
two concerns that have yet to be reconciled
: the kid’s and yours. Out of the three options (Plans A, B, and C) for responding to problems or unmet expectations, Plan B is the only option in which there are two concerns being entered into consideration. By the way, there’s an easy way to recognize which Plan you’re using. If the only concern on the table is the Adult’s concern, you’re using Plan A. If the only concern on the table is the Child’s, you’re using Plan C. Only Plan B ensures that Both concerns are on the table.

Like kids, adults are prone to putting
solutions
on the table instead of concerns. Plan B is dead in the water if there are two solutions on the table, a circumstance we’ll call
dueling solutions,
also known as a “power struggle.” When an adult puts a solution on the table during the Define the Problem step, that’s usually a pretty clear sign that the process has shifted from Plan B to Plan A. Examples: “You need to use your words so you don’t hit kids when you’re mad at them” or “You have to do the writing or you’ll never get better at it.” In a power struggle, two parties are engaged in the battle to determine whose solution is going to win and whose solution is going to lose. Power struggles are a win/lose proposition. But with Plan B, there’s no such thing as a power struggle, because you and the kid are engaged in a completely different activity: trying to find solutions that will address both parties’ concerns. That’s a win/win proposition.
The child needs to become convinced that you’re just as invested in making sure his concern gets addressed as you are in making sure yours gets addressed.
Again, so long as the concerns of one party or the other are unaddressed, the problem is not durably solved.

But getting your concern on the table can take some practice. While many adults are certain that they have a concern about a given problem or unmet expectation, they often struggle with how to identify and articulate it. Many adults have an informal (and sometimes quite exhaustive) list of things they think kids “should” or “shouldn’t” do, but have never given any thought to
why
kids “should” or “shouldn’t” do those things. Some concerns are easier for a kid to comprehend and to take into account than others. In general, the fact that a kid’s behavior violates the rules or isn’t meeting your expectations wouldn’t be explicit enough. Better to let the kid know that his behavior is interfering with his or someone else’s learning, or that it’s affecting other people adversely by hurting or offending them, making them feel unsafe, or hurting their feelings, or that it’s making it difficult for him to be part of the community of which he is a valued member. These are concerns that kids can identify with and take into account.

Here are some examples of how it might sound (note that these are continuations of some of the Proactive Plan B dialogues above):

      A
DULT
(Empathy step, kicking off Proactive B): I’ve noticed that you’ve been getting pretty mad at some of the other kids lately. What’s up?

      C
HILD
:
They won’t let me play with them.

      A
DULT
(clarifying the concern): Ah, they won’t let you play with them and that makes you mad.

      C
HILD
:
Yep.

      A
DULT
(reassurance, then Defining the Problem): I’m not saying you shouldn’t get mad when they won’t let you play with them. The thing is, we want everyone to feel safe in our classroom and to let one another know how we’re feeling with our words. When you hit other kids, I think they get hurt and don’t feel very safe … and they may not even know why you’re mad.

      A
DULT
(Empathy step, kicking off Proactive B): I’ve noticed that you haven’t been getting much homework done lately.

      O
LDER
K
ID
:
I’ve been getting some homework done.

      A
DULT
(clarifying the concern): Yes, some, that’s true. But less than usual, yes?

      O
LDER
K
ID
:
Yeah.

      A
DULT
(still clarifying): So, what’s up? How come you’re getting less done than usual?

      O
LDER
K
ID
:
Most of the homework lately is our geography projects, and I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to look that stuff up. Plus, don’t take this wrong, it’s not that interesting. I got stuck with Uzbekistan, or whatever it’s called.

      A
DULT
(still clarifying): That’s true, we have been spending a lot of time on our geography projects. And it sounds like you’re not too interested in the country you were assigned.

      O
LDER
K
ID
:
Yeah, I mean, I don’t really care about Uzbekistan. It’s a boring country.

      A
DULT
(clarifying further): So we have two things going on: You’re not sure what to do to get your project going, and you’re not too happy with the country you were assigned.

      O
LDER
K
ID
:
Yep.

      A
DULT
(clarifying further still): So help me understand. Are you
having trouble getting going because you don’t like your country, or would you have difficulty getting going no matter what your country is?

      O
LDER
K
ID
:
Well, the country I got assigned isn’t helping. But you usually let us work with partners on stuff like this, and now I’m on my own. And I don’t know where to start, or how to look it up.

      A
DULT
(Defining the Problem): I think I understand. The thing is, I wanted to have a few projects you did on your own … you know, without someone helping you … otherwise it’ll always be really hard for you.

The first two steps of Plan B are reserved exclusively for concerns. You don’t even consider solutions until the third step. It doesn’t make much sense to brainstorm solutions until you know what concerns you’re trying to address.

INVITATION

Now that you have two concerns on the table, and not a moment before, you and the kid are ready to brainstorm potential solutions that will address those concerns. This step involves restating the two concerns that have now been identified so as to summarize the problem to be solved (usually starting with the words
“I wonder if there’s a way …”
). This step is called the Invitation because the adult is literally
inviting
the kid to solve the problem collaboratively. The Invitation lets the kid know that solving the problem is something you’re doing
with
him—in other words,
together
—rather than
to
him. Here are examples of Invitations corresponding to the dialogues above. Note that the adult is recapping the two concerns so as to ensure that the kid understands the problem to be resolved:

      I
NVITATION
:
I wonder if there’s a way for you to let me know you’re mad that the other kids won’t let you play with them without you hitting them. Do you have any ideas?

      I
NVITATION
:
I wonder if there’s a way for us to help you get
started on your project and look things up, but do it independently so I can be sure you know how to do it on your own. Do you have any ideas for how we could do that?

The fact that you’re giving the kid the first crack at generating a solution (“Do you have any ideas?”) doesn’t mean the kid is the only one on the hook for generating solutions. You’re both on the hook. After all, you’re on the same team. But giving the kid the first opportunity to think of solutions is good strategy, especially for kids who are accustomed to having an adult’s will imposed upon them, for it lets the kid know beyond a shadow of a doubt that you’re interested in his ideas.

Many adults, in their eagerness to solve the problem, forget the Invitation. Just as they are on the precipice of actually collaborating with a kid and working toward a solution that addresses both concerns, they impose their will. What a shame. You see, while there is some chance that a kid won’t be able to think of any solutions, there’s actually an excellent probability the kid
can
think of good solutions—ones that will take your combined concerns into account—and has been waiting (often not so patiently) for you to give him the chance. So, as it relates to solving problems with kids, the important theme is:

Don’t be a genius.

You’d think that most adults would breathe a sigh of relief at the news that they’re no longer on the hook for coming up with instantaneous, ingenious solutions to all problems involving kids. In truth, it takes some getting used to. Many adults are absolutely certain they know exactly how a problem should be solved. It’s no crime to have some ideas or proposals for how to solve a problem, but when you use Plan B you do so with the understanding that the solution is not predetermined. Solving a difficult problem
durably
requires a willingness to let the process of exploring solutions unfold without the adult’s solution being prematurely invoked. If you already know how the problem is going to be solved before the conversation takes place, then you’re not using Plan B, you’re using Plan A. Plan B isn’t merely a clever variant of Plan A.

So, the definition of an ingenious solution is:
Any solution that the two parties agree is
realistic
and
mutually satisfactory.

If a solution under consideration isn’t realistic and mutually satisfactory, then the problem isn’t solved yet and the problem-solving team (you and the child) still needs to explore other potential solutions.

The
mutually satisfactory
part should be of great comfort to adults who fear that, in using Plan B, their concerns will not be addressed. If a solution is mutually satisfactory, then by definition your concern
has
been addressed. So, to reiterate an earlier point, if you were thinking that Plan A is the only mechanism by which adults can “set limits,” think again. You’re setting limits when you’re using Plan B, too.

The
realistic
part is important, too. Plan B isn’t an exercise in wishful thinking. If you can’t reliably follow through on the solution that’s being considered, then don’t agree to it just to end the conversation. Likewise, if you don’t think the kid can follow through on the solution that’s being agreed to, then you should express gentle skepticism on this count (“It would be wonderful if you could do that solution! I’m just not so sure you really can because I know that’s been a struggle for you in the past. Let’s try to come up with a solution we can both do.”) and try to help him think of solutions that are more plausible.

Some kids’ first stab at a solution is to simply repeat what they wanted in the first place (for example, “I don’t want to talk about it. I’m not doing the project on my own.”). This is often a sign that the kid is having a hard time moving beyond his original solution or is not especially proficient at generating solutions that are mutually satisfactory. In these cases, simply remind him that the goal is to come up with a solution that works for
both
of you, perhaps by saying, “Well, that’s one idea. And I know that solution would probably work for you, because then you wouldn’t have to look things up on your own, but it probably wouldn’t work for me because I really want you to get some practice at doing that so it’s not so hard for you anymore. Let’s see if we can come up with an idea that will work for both of us.” In other words, there’s no such thing as a bad solution. Proposals for solutions are weighed solely on the basis of whether they are realistic and mutually satisfactory.