Living With Regret (31 page)

“Chase, when you were teenagers, do you remember Jordan talking about Natural Cosmetics? About a future that was always hers if she wanted it?” Doug is waiting on an answer I think he already knows.

“No,” I whisper.

“Exactly. Did you ever wonder why?”

Of course I’ve wondered why. Janette Taylor’s parents were millionaires and in the two years I dated Jordan in high school never once did she mention it. I knew she was attending college at NYU, and that her grandfather had something to do with her receiving a scholarship there, but I didn’t know any more than that because she never breathed a word about it.

“I met Janette when she was seventeen. I had just turned twenty and I knew better than to spend time with a teenager, but I couldn’t fight it. Every time my eyes found hers, I knew she belonged to me. I had no idea that Janette came from money because she never acted like it.

“I made sure to keep my hands to myself until she turned eighteen, but then ...well, less than a month later, I asked her to marry me. I didn’t have a lot to offer her but I knew I’d never love anyone else the way I love her. We married, I enlisted, and a year later we had a beautiful daughter.

“Janette’s father wanted her to join him at Natural but I wanted to be the one that provided for my family, and Janette loved me enough to follow me anywhere I went. She had plans to work at Natural but it wasn’t her dream. The day she met me I became her future, and it was the same way for me.

“When Jordan met you, it felt like history was repeating itself. You were younger than me, but I saw the way you looked at my girl. Janette and I knew you two were meant to be together the same way we were.” I swallow and try to force down the acid building in my stomach, but Doug’s not done with me yet.

“Jordan didn’t talk about what she thought her future would hold, because once she met you, everything she thought she knew had changed. Hell, that’s why I didn’t threaten to kill you then, ’cause I knew. I knew you’d take care of her the way I took care of Janette. Only ...you didn’t. You gave her something exquisite then you took it back and broke her heart. Since then she’s been looking to find that again but something that special rarely happens twice.”

Something exquisite
. That describes my relationship with Jordan perfectly. Only I didn’t grow up with Doug and Janette Taylor. I didn’t get to see what two people in love looked like. Still, I knew. I knew what I had with Jordan wasn’t just a case of teenage love, and I still fucked up my future with her. I might have had help. I might have had encouragement from someone running his own agenda, but in the end, it was still me that broke us.

“My daughter loves her job because she made that your replacement. She couldn’t have you and she wasn’t able to find whatever you two shared with someone else, so she gave up. She gave everything she had to that company because it made the lie she’s been living that much easier.” My chest tightens listening to him talk, but seconds later it gets worse.

“Chase, I don’t think you understand this because of how your father usually spoke to people, including how he spoke to your mother, but you do not back a woman into a corner and refuse to give her an opinion. And you definitely don’t do that to my girl.” Doug waits for his comment to sink in before adding, “My daughter’s heart will probably always belong to you, but that doesn’t mean you’ll always be the one holding it. Maybe if you stop trying so damn hard to protect her, you’ll see it’s you that’s destroying her.”

His last comment was just as painful as he intended it to be. “If I find you around my daughter again, it better be because you’re begging her to forgive your stupid ass. And if by some miracle she does, you better plan to spend the rest of your life making her the happiest woman alive.”

After giving me a look that would make a lesser man tremble, Doug turns around and walks out of my apartment.

Chase, don’t lose the woman God meant for you over some foolish pride.

Oh. God. My heart tightens in my chest.

Something that special rarely happens twice.

When I close my eyes, I can see the tears she tried so hard to keep at bay.

Maybe if you stop trying so damn hard to protect her, you’ll see it’s you that’s destroying her.

Oh. Shit. What have I done?
I love this woman. I will always love this woman. A woman who has never given me a reason to walk away, but yet somehow I still do. All I’ve ever wanted to do was protect her anyway I could. But until this moment ...I didn’t realize the person she needed protection from ...was me.

Bang bang bang!

“Come on, door ...OPEN!”

I don’t know how long I stood in my living room staring at the spot Chase was last in, but once I snapped out of my trance and grasped what happened—again—I grabbed my purse and left.

January in New York City is beyond frigid and my dumb ass forgot to put on a coat before I left. I made it a few blocks before the cold settled in and I realized I was walking down the street in the late afternoon wearing nothing more than a skirt and long sleeve blouse. When I looked up, I saw a bar called Nothing to Lose and, well ...I had nothing to lose. I went in and ordered a drink. I wanted to forget the horrible day I had, therefore I ordered a vodka tonic, hold the tonic. I expected the bartender to look at me funny but he didn’t. He just poured my drink and left me be.

I don’t know how long I sat there and drank but the sun had finally set and a different crowd was settling in the bar, leaving me to think it was time to go. Home, however, was the last place I wanted to be. I flagged down a cab and gave the driver the only other address I know by heart.

“Door, are you home? Please? I’m here and I don’t wanna go. I got nowhere to go, anyway.” I turn around and lean against Lacey’s door then I slowly slide down until I’m sitting slash lying on the floor, my back to her door. I think it’s possible that I had one too many drinks because Lacey’s hallway is starting to spin. Moments later, I’m flat on my back, half-in and half-out of Lacey’s apartment, staring straight up at my best friend.

“Where in the hell have you been?” Instead of answering, I find myself laughing. Looking at Lacey from this angle is hilarious. “What’s so funny?” Again, I don’t answer but my laughter hasn’t stopped.

“Don’t just stand there, help me pick her up.” Before I have the chance to even consider who Lacey might be talking to, Jake’s face comes into my vision.

“Is she drunk?”

“Wow, Captain Obvious, nothing gets past you.”

“You don’t have to be a bitch, it was just a question.”

“I wasn’t being a bitch. When you ask a stupid question expect to get a stupid answer, jackass.”

“Jackass? That is not the name you were screaming a little while ago.” At some point my laugher faded away, but after Jake’s last remark, it returns in full force, causing both of them to stop and look back down at me still lying on the floor.

“Holy shit. You’re fucking?” I curl up in a ball, still laughing at the fact that mine and Chase’s best friends are screwing. “Fuck ...ing. Fucking. Fucking. Have you ever noticed how funny that word sounds? Fu ...ck ...ing.”

“What the hell have you been doing, Jordan Michelle Taylor?” Lacey firmly ask as the two of them help me off the floor.

“I had nothing to lose at Nothing to Lose.” Of course I burst out laughing again. Lacey doesn’t find anything funny but I see Jake fighting off a smile. Once I stop laughing, I walk over to Lacey’s couch and sit down.

“Earlier today, I had everything. Then I had nothing. Again. After having nothing, I decided I should take a walk, but then I got cold and I stopped when I was at Nothing to Lose.”

Lacey’s patience is gone. “How in the fuck does that tell me a goddamn thing?” she screams.

“Hold up,” Jake says.

Thankfully, Lacey turns her evil stare back towards him. “Oh, shut it.” Lacey looks back towards me. “Jordan, babe, tell me how four hours ago I got a call from your dad looking for you translates into you taking a walk in five-inch heels without a jacket or a phone?”

As Lacey’s words settle in, I sober up quite a bit. Four hours ago? I’ve been drinking by myself for four hours? And holy shit, I forgot all about my dad coming into the city. Trying my best not to fucking cry, I look Lace directly in the eyes and give it to her straight.

“He did it again.” Without another word, Lacey understands exactly what I’m saying.

“Oh shit,” she says, giving me a sad look.

“Who did what?” Jake questions.

Lacey turns to him and sighs. “I think you need to leave.” Even drunk, I can tell by the way Jake is looking at Lacey that he really likes her. And right now he seems shocked and maybe even pissed that she’s kicking him out.

“Why? What’s going on?” he tries again.

“Go ask Chase. He did this.” I look up to see Lacey waving a hand in my general direction.

“What?” Jake’s voice is soft, almost forgiving.

There was a time when I thought Jake Girard was an egotistical jerk, but once he melts a few of his outside layers, I was able to see there’s a lot under the surface. A lot like Lacey. Maybe that’s why they are having some sort of secret affair.

“Okay, fine. I’ll go check on him.” He grabs his coat but once he makes it to the door, he turns back towards Lacey and the brilliant smile he shines towards her has my heart completely sold on Jake.

“I’ll call ya later.”

Lacey, however, must not be as sold. “Yeah, whatever.”

Jakes smirks then leaves. Now that we’re alone, I can’t keep my tears from falling. Lacey moves over and squeezes next to me, never once asking me to say a word. When I finally settle down, I accidentally do a weird hiccup slash burp that has me in another fit of laughter.

“If I recall correctly, I was told not too long ago that drinking away my problems probably isn’t the best idea.”

I start nodding my head in agreement. “You’re right. Unlike you, I didn’t actually set out to get drunk.”

Lacey just rolls her eyes. “The end result is all the same. Plus, I agree it’s a dangerous way to self-medicate.”

We’re both sitting on her couch, not saying a word. To me it feels like the day is stuck on repeat. Happy. Pissed. Devastated. Then lost.

“Do you think you can make it to my bedroom by yourself?” I slowly stand up then I start walking down the hall. “I’m going to call your dad and let him know you’re okay.”

I don’t even answer; I just keep walking until I find her bedroom. I grab an old tee out of her dresser while tossing all of my clothing off, then I fall down on her bed and moments later everything goes dark.

“How’s she feeling?”

“I don’t know. She hasn’t gotten out of bed yet.”

“She’s damn lucky I’m not able to punish her anymore for the stunt she pulled.” Shit. That’s my father, and he’s obviously not happy with me.

“If it matters much, I don’t think she set out to get drunk and make us worry about her.”

I hear an exaggerated sigh come from my dad. “I know. Yesterday was a flashback to a time we all would rather not remember.”

I quickly dig around for a pair of shorts then I head out to Lacey’s living room. “I’m sorry. God, Dad, I’m so sorry.” He stands up and I run into his arms, where he wraps me up tight. All of the stress and anger from yesterday slowly releases.

My dad pulls away from me then looks me directly in the eyes. “You’re going to be fine. No matter what happens, you’ll be fine.” I wish I shared the same confidence in myself, but with my parents and Lacey by my side, I’m sure I’ll bounce back, just not to the person I was yesterday morning—while I still had a life with Chase.

“Come home with me. Your mother will be back tonight. Stay a few days and get your head back on straight.”

When we were kids, I knew I loved Chase, but I didn’t really know what I was missing when he left. We were just kids. We didn’t get to spend every day together, we didn’t get to practically live with each other, but now I know. I’ve basically been living with him for the last month. Getting my head back on straight now holds a whole new meaning.