Living With Regret (13 page)

As Chase’s movements slow, he never once takes his eyes off of me, then the most satisfied look I’ve ever seen takes over his beautiful face. “I love you.”

My stomach flutters from his words. I’ve waited forever for someone to love me the way it seems only this man is capable of. “I ...I love you, too. I’ve loved you forever,” I whisper back as a beautiful smile takes over his relaxed face.

“Let’s do that, let’s plan on forever,” he says, rubbing his hands up and down my arms.

“Forever,” I repeat.

“As long as we love each other, then none of the other shit matters. Everything else will work out. I’m positive. All you have to do is trust me, trust us, and we’ll be fine.”

I’m glad he’s feeling this confident because one of us needs to be if we’re going to make it through the mountain of crap waiting for us when we return.

Last night was proof of how much we belong to each other, but it also brought out another emotion. Because deep down somewhere, I know at some point along our journey through life we’ve been with other people and I hate it. I know I never want to be at a place in my life where that happens again. I want to bottle up whatever magic we’re making here on this island and I want to keep it with us forever.

“Have you seen my phone?” Jordan asks as she digs through her bag.

As a matter a fact, I have. Last night as she started to drift off to sleep, safely in my arms, I heard her phone buzzing away. I’m not kidding when I say the thing didn’t stop. After I was positive she was out for the night, I moved her off of me and went in search of the damn thing. When I found it, the fucker was locked and I didn’t know the code—even though I tried every combination I could think of—therefore I had no idea who was calling. On the one hand, I’m hoping it’s her work and not a man or someone back home who’s wondering where the hell my beautiful wife is at. On the other hand, I don’t want her to lose her job and hate me for being the reason she did. Either way, I powered the thing down and hid it in the bag I use for my bathroom shit, hoping she wouldn’t look there.

“Yes, but I’ve decided this should be a phone free zone.”

“A phone free zone?” she repeats while stilling her search to look over at me.

“Yes.” She’s looking at me like she can’t decide if she wants to kiss me or slap me, but I’m hoping it’s the first.

“And why is that?” she questions.

Well, shit, if I tell her it’s because the damn thing wouldn’t shut up, she’ll want to check it even more and I can’t have that. “We need to rekindle what we’ve lost and how can we do that properly if the outside world is trying to break in?”

She’s suspicious and rightfully so. “Is your phone off limits, too?” she fires back.

“Of course, but that doesn’t really matter. You and Ma are the only two people in the world that know my cell number.”

“How do I know your number?” she questions, narrowing her eyes.

“Because I’m giving it to you when I give you your phone back.” Jordan is trying to fight a smile. She would love to appear pissed off but she’s not fooling me.

“And just how long do I have to go without my phone?”

I’m half-tempted to say forever. Let’s ditch the rest of the world and just be together without outside interference, but I know she needs to address the life she’s been living without me.

I desperately want to resolve this mess we’re in and move forward. I want to remember our wedding and I want to do it all over again, making new incredible memories, memories I won’t spoil by acting like a jackass.

“Well, this is only a suggestion, but how about we spend the next few days here in our own personal paradise then head back to Scottsdale and check in with Ma and my doctors. After that, we keep heading north until we hit another place you’ve always wanted to go.”

She’s trying to think of where I’m referring to when I see the light bulb go off. “Vegas?”

“Yes, Vegas. We can ask my mom to go and your parents if you want, and while we’re there we can renew our vows.”

An uncertain look crosses her face, which in turn has her disconnecting from our conversation. I suspect this has everything to do with what she knows, what I have yet to remember, but I don’t care. However, the last thing I want is for her to pull away from me.

“We don’t have to. It was just an idea.”

Jordan gives me a half-smile but it lacks the confidence she had moments before.

“I want that and I want that with you, but I think it’s important that you regain all of your memory before we make plans for the future.” I hate how reluctant she feels to move forward until I’m a hundred percent healed. I know I’m missing pieces of my life, and any normal person would probably be turning over every stone possible until they learned what’s going on in their life, but not me.

I know at some point in my life I hurt Jordan. I know that at some point in our lives we weren’t together, and I know that when I hit my head and woke up in a cold, lonely hospital room, she was the only person I wanted and she came ...for me.

Maybe I’m too eager to move forward when I don’t have all the pieces but maybe I don’t need them. Maybe all I need is the love of my fearless woman to make it through life, at least, that’s all I feel I need to survive.

“Chase, the parts of your life that you’re missing ...they might mean more to you than you realize. What if you wake up one day with all of your memory back and I suddenly don’t fit in your life?”

“Never. That could never happen,” I growl out, shaking my head no.

“How can you be so sure?” she asks as her beautiful blue eyes water.

“Because I regret it. Whatever I did ...I regret it because it made me lose time with you, and living life without you doesn’t seem possible, not anymore.”

Her face is shining with approval. I don’t remember what I did, and again I shouldn’t ask forgiveness for something I don’t remember, but if it puts that look on her face, then it is worth it.

“I just hope when you do remember you still feel the same way,” she whispers.

“I promise. I will.” And that’s a promise I’m willing to do anything to keep.

“Let’s get out of here. Go explore the island for a while. I saw a place where we could go snorkeling if you’d like to.” Jordan slowly exhales as she nods her head yes. Without another word, the tension from moments ago melts away.

“Why do you think people hurt the ones they love?” I look up at Chase’s face and I can tell he’s being serious.

I shrug. “I don’t know. I think ...I think sometimes you don’t know how much you love someone until they’re only a memory. Then you’re stuck. Stuck wishing and thinking about a time where love was the only thing that mattered. Where memories of a better time are the only thing you have left of a person, and sometimes even that’s not enough to make it through the day.”

I’m fighting off the urge to cry because what I just said is how I lived my life for a long time. Memories of a time when I was happy, memories of a time I was with the person I thought loved me.

“See that’s just it. I woke up without that; without memories and I still knew you were all that mattered.” A few tears spill past my eyes and land on Chase’s chest. We’re lying in bed while I’m draped across him.

“Do you question if your mind is playing tricks on you? That you’ll wake up one day and realize that life has more to offer you? More than just me?”

“NO. Never.” His answer was quick and firm, and it’s the proof I need that his mind isn’t completely healed because he did wake up one day and decide that life had more to offer him without me. And until his memory comes back, I can’t be positive it won’t happen again.

“I know you don’t believe me. I can tell by how your muscles tightened when you heard my answer.” I don’t answer him and after a few minutes, his hand starts rubbing up and down my back. “Have you ever seen on the news when a person turns themselves in decades after committing a crime?”

“Um, sure?” I say, distracted by the feel of his hands.

“That’s because they can’t handle the guilt of what they did. Their crime is stuck in their brain and their conscience won’t allow them to forget.” His hand stops moving. “I can’t even remember what I did. I can’t remember how I hurt you and my conscience still wouldn’t let you go. Maybe in the beginning I needed you to forgive me, but I don’t think that’s it. I think it’s just you. I just need you.”

I lift my gaze up to his where I see the emotion in his eyes. He truly believes every word he just said. I hope it’s possible to forgive someone when they don’t know what they did wrong because that’s exactly what I want to do.

“Now, before we lay here and allow this mood to drag us down, let’s get up and get a move on it. I already have something planned for today.”

Chase arranged for the two of us to go hiking through some of the most beautiful cliffs I’ve ever seen. We stopped and ate a lunch he had packed for us. As the day passed, we talked, we laughed, but we avoided any heavy subjects.

“Are you ready to head back?” I ask.

“Not quite,” he answers with a smirk as he laces our hands together. We walk about a quarter of a mile then stop at an opening to a bridge.

“What’s going on?” I question as my eyes dart around, taking everything in. That’s when I see a sign and understanding comes over me. A panic like no other courses it’s way through my body.

“NO. No way! I’m outta here,” I holler as I try to turn around. Before I even get a step from him, Chase wraps his arms around my waist and throws me over his shoulder. “Seriously, I can’t do this. I’ll watch you. Please? Please, please, put me down!” I beg as I pound my hands on his back. Instead of answering me, Chase continues to walk over to the people who are here to help us ...to help us fucking bungee jump.

By the time my feet touch the ground again, my whole body is trembling at the idea of jumping over the side of that damn bridge.

When we were kids, Chase loved a good adrenaline high. He often had to hide whatever crazy idea he had from his dad because God forbid he do something that would have kept him from playing football, but I always knew, and more times than not, I went with him. But while he was riding a dirt bike, or surfing, or even the time he went paragliding, I safely watched from the sidelines.

Now that I’m creeping on thirty, I’m even more deterred by the idea of removing my feet from the ground. A rollercoaster? Okay, maybe, but jumping off the side of a fucking bridge? That’s a big no thank you!

“Chase, seriously, is this even safe to do? You just got out of the damn hospital from a severe concussion. I’m sure if Dr. Wallace knew your plans to launch yourself off the side of this bridge he’d say no. Scratch that, he’d say no way in fucking hell!”

I’m shouting while my hands continue to shake and my heart races. I’m having my own form of an adrenaline rush from the fear I feel when Chase smiles and asks me a question that has everything slowing down. “Do you trust me?” I take a deep breath and exhale slowly.

My gut reaction is to say yes, more than anyone I’ve ever known, but how can that be true? I trusted everything Chase told me ten years ago and the only thing I had to show afterwards was a broken heart. But the man before me today seems different. He makes me think he’d never let anything bad happen to me. And maybe it’s not real, but in this moment, it feels more real than anything I can remember.