Live for Me (23 page)

“It’s been nice to meet you, too.” Kadence was surprisingly a hell of a lot easier to be around than Lizzie.

Then I passed out.

When I woke up, I had drool on my face and a raging headache. “Oh, my God,” I moaned to the empty apartment. I had to pee so bad I thought I was going to wet my pants, but sitting up and walking seemed impossible. I didn’t even know where the bathroom was. I gagged when I raised my head. So I gave up and just lay there, swallowing repeatedly.

When the need to throw up passed, I carefully slid my phone out of my pocket with trembling fingers. There was a text from Devin twenty minutes earlier saying he was on his way to the apartment. Fabulous. It was eleven already. I’d been sleeping for twelve plus hours. Or passed out, however you wanted to label it.

The door to the apartment opened. “Tiffany, baby? I’m home.”

“Hey,” I said weakly, when he came down the hallway, his bag over his shoulder. Amelia ran over to me and licked my face.

I turned my head to escape her slobbering kiss, though I did stretch my hand out and attempt to pet her.

“Tiff? What’s the matter?” Devin came over to me and felt my forehead like I might have a fever.

“I’m hungover,” I admitted. My voice sounded hoarse and foreign to my ears.

“Hungover from what?” He sounded shocked.

“Wine. Kadence and I shared two bottles.”

He had been bent over me and now he stood straight up again, raking his hair back out of his face. “Excuse me? You got drunk with my wife?”

Funny how suddenly she was his wife, not his ex-wife. When had that happened? “I thought she was your ex-wife.”

“You know what I mean. Why were you with Kadence?”

“She was here, in the apartment, when I got here. She was packing up sweaters.”

“So you just got drunk together?” He sounded horrified.

“She was playing hostess. I didn’t know what else to do but talk to her. I didn’t have any right to kick her out. She clearly had a key or whatever and she did have clothes still here.” And why did I have to defend myself? That seriously annoyed me.

I managed to sit up, though the room spun and bile crawled up my throat.

“Oh, my God. This is just classic Kadence. So what bullshit did she tell you about me?”

“Actually, all she said about you was that you have bad taste in home decorating.”

His eyebrows shot up. “What? I do not. And seriously? That can’t be all she said.”

“She said that she never wanted your marriage to end and that she wanted to fight for it, but you had already checked out and started seeing Brooke. She said Brooke is an idiot, which I agreed with. But also that you and she had discussed me and you seem fond of me and my intelligence.”

“Not right now,” he muttered.

Ouch. That stung. I wanted to reprimand him, but I didn’t have the energy.

“Why didn’t you just call me? I would have come back sooner.”

Briefly closing my eyes, I said, “By the time you would have gotten here, she would have been gone already.”

“I could have called her.”

“And told her what? To get the hell out? What would be the point in that? You’d just antagonize her. It was no big deal, in the end. Which is what’s so weird about it.” I rested my head in the palm of my hands. “Holy shit, my face feels like it’s going to explode.”

Devin went into the kitchen. He pulled out a glass and filled it with water. He came back and handed it to me. “Here. I’ll go downstairs and get you some aspirin from the desk.”

“Thanks.” I sipped greedily. My mouth was thick and dry, with a sour taste. The water was too cold though and it hit my stomach hard. I gagged and coughed. “This is awful. I’ve never been hungover. I don’t like it.”

He shook his head. “Unbelievable. She’s a fucking piece of work. Next time, if she’s here and you don’t want to argue with her, just turn around and leave. Go downstairs and call me. But I’m going to change the locks and have a word with the doorman.”

“He seemed fond of her.”

“Because she blew him on a regular basis. I found that out a couple of months back.”

I frowned. That sounded so crude. I had a hard time reconciling all the things he’d said about Kadence with the woman I’d met the night before. I also didn’t like how sometimes it felt like Devin was telling me what to do. I knew he had more life experience but it just felt like he was in charge and I was… his employee. Even though I wasn’t anymore. I didn’t think.

“Where’s the bathroom?” I asked, forcing myself to stand, though I was hunched over a bit.

“You haven’t been to the bathroom yet?” He shook his head. “I guess this was a bad idea. I should have left you at Richfield.”

Because that was what I wanted to hear. Not. “Why? Because I’ve never been to New York and I didn’t know the etiquette for tossing sort of ex-wives out of my boyfriend’s expensive apartment? I flew on a plane yesterday for the first time in my life with people who don’t even like me. I was worried about Cassandra, worried about you, I didn’t eat all day. I was tired, stressed, and totally unprepared for Kadence so all in all I think I did okay.”

He looked immediately contrite. “I’m sorry. I’m not upset with you.”

“Gee, thanks.”

Devin made a face. He touched the ends of my hair and gave me a smile. “I’m looking forward to showing you the city. It will be fun. And I’m not your boyfriend. I’m your fiancé, remember?”

“When are you going to be divorced, Devin?” That was bothering me. Really, truly weighing on me.

“As soon as Kadence is reasonable. God, I just can’t stand her and her manipulations. It’s like she enjoys tormenting me.”

I nodded, but I didn’t like what I was hearing. He was angry. Kadence had sounded anything but. I didn’t know the full story. I imagined no one really did but the two of them. It bothered me that I wasn’t sure he was telling me the whole truth. It also bothered me that I could spend months, years, potentially living with him as his mistress. That’s what it was. If he was married, that’s what I was.

Devin showed me the bathroom and I shuffled inside, shutting the door behind me. I pulled down my jeans with trembling fingers and sank onto the toilet with a sigh. Wine was clearly not my friend. I didn’t even understand why people drank it if this was the after effect. I peed for about twelve minutes straight, my bladder clearly over capacity. I looked around the room. More modern design. Dark wood and shiny white tile. It was tidy, with nothing resting on any of the surfaces. No tissue box. No scented candle. No magazine rack.

The only sign that this wasn’t a hotel was the wastebasket, which had a box stuffed into it. A white box with a pink strip across it.

That was a pregnancy test. I’d seen the brand enough times in the tampon aisle. It had been opened. Finishing up my business, I washed my hands, then took some toilet paper and pulled the box out of the wastebasket. Inside the foil had been opened and the test stick was just rattling around. Tentatively with the toilet paper I pulled it back out. The test was positive.

Oh. My. God. I turned and finally lost the battle against my stomach, throwing up into the toilet. I flushed quickly so Devin wouldn’t hear, but he was already knocking on the door.

“You okay? I’m coming in.” I hadn’t locked the door and he opened it and swore when he saw me half bent over the toilet. “You need to eat something or it’s going to linger all day.”

But I just wiped my mouth on my sleeve and stood back up. “Who is pregnant?” I asked.

“Huh?” He gave me a blank look. “I have no idea.”

I picked up the stick with the positive line on it and shook it at him. “This was in the trash! Who the hell is pregnant?”

“I have no idea.” He glanced down at the stick in horror. “That was in here?”

“Yes. So either this belongs to Kadence or there are other women who are free to come into your apartment when you’re not here that I don’t know about.”

“No one comes in here. This is my apartment, not a hotel.”

“Then Kadence is pregnant.” I tossed it back down on the counter. It clattered across the shiny marble surface and fell into the sink.

“Then I guess we should send her a gift.” He stared at it, a smile tugging at the corner of his mouth. “If she’s knocked up, then clearly she has a new guy she’s trying to trap. That means she’ll be more agreeable to the divorce.”

“Are you sure it isn’t yours?” That was my real fear. That if it wasn’t Devin’s she wouldn’t have taken the test there. She would have done it in her own apartment.

“Yes. I’m sure,” he said coldly. But then a flicker of doubt crossed his face.

“When was the last time you had sex with her?”

“Right before I came to Richfield. We had a mediation appointment. It got intense, emotional.”

He didn’t look away or express any shame or remorse. He just stared me down, defiant.

That had only been a couple of months. When I had met him, he was fresh off a nostalgia fuck with Kadence. “Then you don’t know if it’s yours or not.” I tossed the pregnancy test back in the trash and washed my hands. I splashed water on my face.

“I guess not. But most likely not. That was months ago. She would have told me already. She’d be showing.”

“That was only ten weeks ago.” I dried my face with the hand towel. I suddenly felt calm, removed. I couldn’t do this. I couldn’t be this person. Swept up in drama and lies, his world of drugs and money and manipulation.

I came to Richfield with nothing but my dignity, my intelligence, and my moral code. I couldn’t stay there with less. I couldn’t trade any of that for love. It felt wonderful to have Devin hold me, to look in his eyes and know that he did love me. That I was special.

But I couldn’t live with myself if I accepted the arrangement the way it was. I would ultimately be ashamed of myself, and I would feel insecure. I would be dependent on him, clingy. He would run the show and I would be the stage crew. Yes, I loved him. I loved him more than anyone else I’d ever met, with a love so deep it hurt at the same time it healed, yet as it was, I couldn’t be his equal.

It felt like a game I didn’t know how to play, with angry express packages, lawyers, over-the-top gifts. “I need to go home,” I told him.

His eyebrows shot up. “Back to Richfield? Not today. We can go back tomorrow. Don’t you want to see the city?”

“No, I mean to Vinalhaven. I’m not going back to Richfield and I’m not staying here with you.”

“What do you mean, exactly?” His voice lowered, his eyes narrowed. I could see the anger brewing.

“Devin.” I reached up and touched his chin, running my thumb over his unshaven skin. “I love you. But I can’t do this. It’s not me. I can’t live with you while you have a wife and maybe a baby and friends who overdose in our family room.”

He grabbed my hand and held it to him tightly. “I love you, too. Doesn’t that count for anything?”

“It does. It really does.” Tears filled my eyes. “But I feel like I’m losing myself. Or maybe I never knew myself. I’m nineteen instead of eighteen and I’ve never seen or done anything. I want to live on my terms for the first time in my life, not compromise.”

“You can do anything you want with me,” he insisted. “Don’t do this. I won’t have house parties. I’ll talk to Kadence, we’ll make sure she doesn’t come in the apartment.”

“And if this is your baby?”

“Then I’ll take care of it. I’m not a total asshole. I try to do the right thing, which is why I’ve never played dirty with Kadence. I could have, you know.”

“I’m sure you could have. I think you’re a good man, I really do, and that is why I love you.” Tears ran down my cheeks. “If you’d like, call me when the divorce is final.”

He kissed my hand. “You’re not leaving me. I’m not going to let you. You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”

It was the hardest thing I’d ever done, but I stepped away and moved around him. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t stay and lose myself. I might enjoy it now, but I would wake up in two years, five years, and hate myself.

Devin grabbed at my arm but I walked faster, tears coming harder. I checked my pocket for my phone and as I moved across the apartment, I grabbed my backpack off the floor and slung it over my arm, swiping my coat off the kitchen counter.

“Tiffany, what are you doing? You’re not going to just leave.” Devin sounded unconvinced that I was really doing just that.

“I have to,” I pleaded. “I can’t hide at Richfield and pretend that nothing else exists. That’s what we’ve been doing.”

“Nothing else needs to exist.”

“Call me when you get a divorce,” I insisted.

“What do you want me to do? I can’t make it go any faster. I don’t have any feelings for her. Haven’t I made it clear how much I love you?”

I wasn’t looking for some sort of dramatic love vow from him. That wasn’t the point. The point was when you blurred a line it ceased to exist in any way that mattered. So then the next go round you didn’t even bother to draw it.

“You have. But you love me partially because I’m honest and that is what I’m doing here. I’m telling you the truth. Now is not the right time for us.” I pulled open the door before I changed my mind.

I desperately wanted to say the hell with it and just turn and bury myself in his arms. But then who would I be? Devin Gold’s girlfriend. Devin Gold’s little girlfriend. Devin Gold’s poor little girlfriend. I would be the person everyone looked at and felt sorry for, and eventually, some day, Devin would lose interest in me like I’d told Cat at Christmas. He could love me, but he could still lose interest in me if everything was always on his terms. I could only be with him if I were his partner, his equal, his wife.

So I ran. Because if I stopped to look at his face, to see the pain I was inflicting on him, feel the matching pain in my own heart, I would stay. And someday I would live to regret that choice.

He called after me. “Tiffany, wait! Be reasonable. Where the fuck are you even going?”

I had hit the elevator button and it dinged open immediately. I was on it, pushing L for lobby while he came down the hallway after me. As soon as he realized the elevator was already there he swore and started running. The door was closing already and I was afraid he was going to stick his arm in it, but instead he just stood there, eyes locked on me, and let it close.