Live for Me (20 page)

He lowered my head to his and there was nothing between us, no barrier, physical or emotional. I didn’t kiss him immediately. I just touched his face, slid my foot over his calf, drew my lips across his earlobe, inhaling his scent. When I did kiss him, it was slow, languid, our understanding of each other complete, our needs in tandem.

But when my hips starting to roll against him, questing, as I felt his erection pressing into my thigh, he suddenly flipped me onto my back.

“What?” I asked in question.

“I don’t have the condom on yet,” he said, taking my nipple into his mouth and suckling it. “Too dangerous in that position.”

“Oh.” I hadn’t even thought about that. When he moved between my thighs, I spread my legs instinctively. For a second I tensed, anticipating him entering me, but he just continued to lick and suck my breast and nipple, while I heard the rustling of the condom wrapper.

“Relax,” he murmured, taking his tongue down my stomach, teasing it into my belly button. “We’re not there yet.”

In a way, I just wanted to get it over with. To kill the fear, the suspense that maybe it would hurt, maybe I would hate it, maybe he would be disappointed.

But I slowly forgot to think about it as he explored my body with his hands, his mouth, his hair tickling my chest, his fingers teasing inside me briefly before disappearing again. He seemed to be in no hurry, and had no particular plan in mind. He just stroked and sucked and kissed and touched until my nails were digging into his shoulders and I panted from need. My head fell to the side as he sucked on my swollen clit, a soft groan escaping my mouth.

He pulled me apart, blew on me, then worked me with his tongue until the heels of my feet were digging into the bed and my hips were bucking.

That’s when he stopped.

Right before I could orgasm. The sudden shift had me crying out in dismay.

But then I realized why. He moved up, between my legs, his erection nudging against me. He used one hand to hold himself up, the other to keep me wet. He pushed inside, just a little and I squirmed on the bed, partly from the odd sensation and discomfort, partly from the physical need for more. For completion. He gave a few strokes, in, out, just the tip of his cock in me, his eyes locked on mine.

Then he pulled out completely and I was surprised that I missed the odd fullness, that small invasion.

“Devin…” I didn’t understand what he was doing. He was back at me with his tongue, massaging my folds with his fingers, tongue pushing deep inside me. “Oh, my God.” I bit my bottom lip as pleasure sent shivers all over my body.

When my hips started to rock onto him and my moans grew louder, Devin again abandoned me.

I squeezed his arm in total frustration. He kept taking me right to the edge.

But this time when he pressed against me, I welcomed it. I wanted that pressure, that hot push of his cock. He went slightly deeper this time, stroking in and out while his finger teased me apart, allowing me to accommodate him further. I thought he was going to take me then, all the way, but he didn’t. He pulled out completely and this time, I tried to keep him there, feeling frantic. I wanted him deep inside me.

My hips followed him, but he still pulled out entirely. “That’s not fair,” I told him, grabbing his rock solid ass and trying to move him back into place. He was way stronger than me though and didn’t even budge.

His eyes were dark, hair falling over them. “What isn’t fair, love?” His voice was gruff.

I shook my head. I didn’t know how to articulate my feelings. I wasn’t even sure what was happening, exactly. I just knew that I couldn’t hold any thoughts in my head and my thighs were trembling and my voice was hoarse from moaning. So he went back to what had clearly been his original plan. He dropped his mouth down onto my clit for the third time, his beard tickling along my vagina. All my nerve endings seemed to have been amplified and I felt like I might shatter into a thousand pieces if he didn’t do something soon.

Needing an orgasm, I tried to quiet my moans, tried to stop my hips from rocking so he wouldn’t recognize how close I was and I could come before he could pull away. But Devin knew what he was doing and just when I thought I would be allowed to explode, he removed his mouth and gave me a sly smile. “Nice try.”

This time when he moved between my legs, I welcomed him. I lifted my hips for him, I wrapped my legs around his ankles. I gripped his ass and encouraged him to move closer to me. He didn’t start out as he had before, teasing and slow. This time, he just plunged into me and I caught my breath in shock at the sudden fullness of penetration. But it wasn’t painful. It was what I had been wanting, waiting for, and as he stroked in and out, his breath hot and frantic, my inner muscles contracted and I exploded in a tight, intense orgasm.

I clung to him, shocked, unable to breathe or make a single sound as ecstasy washed over me. He looked as shocked as I felt.

“Holy shit,” was his opinion, his thrusts increasing in speed, his eyes drifting briefly shut.

The room was starting to spin behind him and I realized I was clenching my vagina onto his cock in an instinctive response to the pleasure.

“Breathe, Tiff,” he told me in a harsh command.

I hadn’t even really realized I wasn’t and I let out a huge whoosh of air and dragged another back in, my body falling slack against the mattress. “Devin…”

He gave a tight groan and his rhythm changed, his eyes clamping shut. When they reopened a minute later, I asked, “Did you?”

I didn’t know what a man’s orgasm felt like. It seemed like he had, but I wasn’t sure.

“Fuck yes,” he said.

He rested his forehead on mine for a second and I felt his hot skin, heard his ragged breathing. Inside me, there were aftershocks, though he didn’t feel as big. Devin kissed me then pulled back and collapsed on the bed beside me. “Are you okay?” he asked. “Did it hurt?”

I nodded, suddenly feeling like I was going to cry. It felt like something hugely monumental had just happened to me. This was real. We were real.

“Is that yes, you’re okay, or yes, it hurt? Or yes to both?”

“I’m okay. It didn’t really hurt.” There was a throbbing now, an awareness of my vagina I wasn’t used to, but it wasn’t a bad feeling. My body felt satisfied, still tingly. “I came,” I added, though I realized immediately he knew that.

He studied me, searchingly, up on his elbow. “I’m really glad you did. Kiss me.”

I did but it was a quick kiss. I felt too overwhelmed. Tears were silently rolling down my cheeks.

Devin wiped them. “Hey,” he said softly. “You can tell if it hurt or if you didn’t like it. You be honest with me, remember?”

“And you lie to me?” I sniffed. I wasn’t sure why I was crying. I just knew that everything had changed, that I had allowed that wall in front of my heart to come crashing down. It felt amazing and wonderful to be with Devin, but so powerful it was like I couldn’t contain it inside me. It burst forth in unexplainable tears and words that sounded distrustful.

“No. Of course not.” He stroked my hair. “I was just saying that you can tell me anything. Don’t sugarcoat it if you didn’t enjoy it. I want to give you pleasure. Make you happy.”

“You do.” I wrapped my leg over his, wanting him closer to me. “I’ve just never been in love before.”

“Neither have I,” he said hoarsely.

That he meant it was something I didn’t doubt. I studied the outline of his lips, ran my fingertips down his arm. “I feel… wrapped in it. Does that make sense?”

“Perfect sense.” He lay back down and pulled my hip over so we were snug up against each other.

I’d never slept naked before but I didn’t want to cover back up. I wanted the moment to last indefinitely. Devin pulled the condom off and tossed it on a tissue on the nightstand. He tucked the comforter over me.

“Is Amelia okay?” I asked, glancing over at the dog.

“Are you kidding? She’s snoring.”

When I paused to listen, I realized he was right. She was softly snuffling in the corner. “She needs a dog bed in here too.”

He kissed my forehead. “Order one online for her if you want, beautiful. Or we can get one next time we’re in town.”

It all seemed so normal then. Like everything would be the way Devin and I had already been living, only now knowing that he loved me. If I had been happy before, then I would living in perfection now.

Our house, our dog, our love. Our lives.

Perfect. Together.

I drifted off to sleep in Devin’s arms, never anticipating it would be the only time.

A hard knock on the door had me jerking awake. For a second, I was confused why there was a heavy weight on my stomach, but I realized it was Devin’s hand resting there. My heart was racing from being jerked out of sleep and I turned my head towards him, checking to see if he was awake. Maybe I had dreamed there was a knocking.

He breathed deeply through his nose, his eyes fluttering open. “What the hell was that?” he mumbled.

The knock came again, confirming it was real. “Someone’s at the door,” I said, stating the obvious. “I can’t answer it. I’m naked.”

“What do you want?” Devin called loudly. Shifting a little he kissed my shoulder.

Feeling exposed, I pulled the comforter up tighter over me, even though there was no way anyone could just walk in. Devin had locked the door. Scrambling for my phone, I squinted to see what time it was. Six am. This wasn’t exactly the romantic morning after I would have hoped for, but I did like the feel of Devin’s body alongside mine.

“It’s Lizzie.”

Wonderful. I looked at Devin in question.

He just shrugged and gave a pronounced sigh. “What do you need?”

“Cass OD’d. Sam just called for an ambulance.”

“Shit.” Devin sat up quickly. “Are they on their way?” he called back to her. “Is she still breathing?”

“Yes and yes.” Lizzie’s voice had lost the attitude of the night before. She sounded tired, sad.

I sat up myself, horrified. I should have mentioned to Devin that Cassandra had seemed off. She’d been beyond drunk. Devin was already pulling on pants without any underwear. “What hospital would they take her to?” he asked me.

“Good Samaritan is the only one in town,” I said, scrambling out of bed.

He waited until I reached the bathroom and slipped inside then I heard him open the bedroom door and head out into the hallway, his voice muffled as he spoke to Lizzie.

I winced at the bright light and hurried up with my business, aware of how tender I was down south. Washing my hands, I paused briefly to look at myself in the mirror. I didn’t look any different. Funny that even though it was ridiculous that I would, I still expected some sort of visible change to my features. Or an older and wiser expression. A member of the club.

But no. I still looked like me. For the most part, I felt like me.

Hurrying, I went back in the bedroom and got dressed. When I made my way to the kitchen, I saw Devin pulling on his T-shirt and stuffing his feet into his shoes. “I’m going to the hospital. Do you mind staying here with everyone else?”

I shook my head. “No, I don’t mind.” I didn’t want to go back to that hospital anyway. It was where my grandmother had just died and I didn’t think I could face those hallways, the nursing staff.

Lizzie was hugging herself, wearing nothing but a tight T-shirt that said Fuck Off and a pair of pink panties. Sapphire and Jay were sitting on the couch, talking quietly, Sapphire in a big fluffy robe, Jay’s arm around her. Lizzie’s boyfriend wasn’t around. “Where’s your boyfriend?” I asked her.

“Sleeping.”

Nice.

Devin put his coat off and came over to me and squeezed my hand. “I’ll call or text as soon as I know anything.” Then he turned to the others. “No social media. No one say a goddamn word to anyone until we can do damage control. I have a call in to PR already.”

There were half-hearted nods.

That would have never occurred to me. Damage control. As if ingesting enough drugs to overdose wasn’t damaging enough, there were careers, livelihoods at stake. Their minds were always on the spin, and that was a world I didn’t understand. Though I figured everyone did the same thing, just on a smaller level. Most people didn’t want to advertise their addictions and problems.

But it still made me sad. All of it made me sad. Cassandra was beautiful and talented. Successful, wealthy. Why did she need to seek escape? I wasn’t judging her, I just felt bad for her.

Devin left through the garage and I stood there, not sure what to say or do. Suddenly Lizzie made gagging sounds and ran to the kitchen sink and threw up, hair falling into her face. I went up next to her and pulled her hair back off her face, rubbing her back. “It’s okay,” I murmured. “Cassandra will be fine.”

Lizzie stood back up, but she clung to the sink rim, eyes watery. With the back of her wrist she wiped her mouth. “I’m fucking hungover. And I feel guilty as fuck. I brought that heroin. It was from Kadence when I saw her a few weeks back and I don’t use. But I knew Cass does and it was meant to be a New Year’s gift to her.” She looked at me and gave a harsh laugh. “I gave her a gift that could have killed her. What the fuck is wrong with me?”

I wasn’t sure what to say to that. I just tore a paper towel off the roll and got it wet. Sapphire had come in and she folded her arms over her chest.

“Look, it’s not your fault, Lizzie. Sure, you brought that shit, but Cass would have gotten it from somewhere else if you didn’t. This whole casual drug use is bullshit though. No one can control it. No one is invincible.”

I handed the towel to Lizzie, who wiped her mouth and hands. “This is going to be all over the Internet in about five seconds. Devin can’t control it. Someone at the hospital will talk.”

“And her album downloads will go up.” Sapphire shook her head. “It’s a fucked up world we live in.”

Not feeling like I had anything to contribute to the conversation I started cleaning up the kitchen. There were bottles and plates and glasses everywhere. Lizzie stared at me while I did it. I don’t think she realized she was, but she just leaned on the counter and watched me, her nipples stretching the cotton of her T-shirt. Sapphire started helping me, grabbing some plates and bringing them to the dishwasher.