Lights and Shadows (Oregon In Love) (22 page)

Suddenly, he knew without a doubt, he’d live to regret
it.

Chapter Twenty-Three

Julia looked at the calendar in her cubicle and
panicked. The holidays were bearing down upon her. Along with the
press of her job, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year’s loomed
ahead, ready to put a spoke in her wheel and rob precious time away
from work.

She dealt with this feeling of dread every season. It
seemed inevitable when she was in the thick of an important project,
she had to endure the shorter attention spans and schedules of those
around her. When she did try to muster some enthusiasm for the
perfunctory celebrations, she was always left with a hollow feeling
of disappointment, keenly aware she’d wasted a colossal amount of
time.

In the past, emerging on the other side of the holiday
frenzy the first week of January left her face aching from a zillion
courtesy smiles. This year was shaping up to be no different. And
this year she could throw the remains of a tattered personal life
onto the heap of disillusionment.

My problems were no one’s fault but my own. It was
my choice to follow my heart with Marc
. Being ruled by her head
for so long made living by her heart a disastrous experience. She’d
been like a teetotaler binging on too much wine and waking up with a
hangover of a lifetime.

If it wasn’t for the steady support of Spencer, I
know I’d be feeling a lot worse
. He made her feel valued, he
praised her work, he appreciated her. Things would’ve been much
simpler if she could’ve fallen in love with
him
.

Maybe Spencer doesn’t open my eyes to a world of
beauty I’ve been too busy to notice before. So what if he doesn’t
ease the lonely ache in my heart and make me feel complete when we’re
together
.
Spencer is kind, decent, and stable
.

He wouldn’t lead a girl to the heights only to let her
fall when things became a little difficult. Julia suspected that if
she gave him any encouragement at all, he would like to explore the
personal side of their relationship.

She glanced down and saw she was doodling again.
I
really need to get a grip on my wandering thoughts
. She
straightened up, focusing on her computer screen. After typing some
numbers which began to look like meaningless squiggles, Julia put her
chin in her hand and looked off into space.

What made everything worse was her growing qualms of
discontent with her job. Not this assignment specifically, but the
busyness she thought she craved, satisfied less and less these days.
Julia had blamed the accident for losing her stride, but she began
recalling that she’d toyed with similar thoughts before then. She
usually shooed such notions away, denouncing them as ludicrous. Work
was her lifeline. In a world of uncertainty, it was always there
waiting to be done. Besides, who wasn’t discontent with their
career at one time or another?

The upsets in her life in the last year made it
difficult to discern what the most compelling issue was. Could this
inner turmoil be a physical byproduct of the car accident? The fact
that she was in an unfamiliar setting? Or recovering from a failed
romance? Maybe it was everything combined, but she sensed an
undercurrent of angst detached from the circumstances swirling about
her.

Julia opened the drawer of her desk to retrieve a pen.
She came across the framed waterfall photograph Marc had given her.
Earlier, she’d crammed it into the drawer in a fit of anger. Seeing
it now mocked her attempt to rid her mind of her distress. She fought
the heat behind her lids. If Marc was in her line of vision at this
moment, she’d hurl the thing at his head. Shutting the drawer with
more force than necessary brought a few curious looks from faculty
nearby. Ignoring them, Julia commenced banging away at the computer
keyboard.

***

Disgusted with his inability to concentrate, Marc shut
down his computer and stared into the dark, blank screen. He scooted
back his chair and got up, wandering restlessly to the living room.
At the big picture window which looked out over the city streets, he
twisted the rod of the mini-blinds, bringing the blinds into a
half-open position.

Slats of light fell upon an abandoned project on his art
table. His eyes were drawn to a sepia-toned photograph next to
several crinkled tubes of tinting paint. He went over to the table
and pressing his finger on a corner of the print, slowly spun it
around to face him. It was a photograph of Julia at the park. The
contrast and composition were perfect and he’d achieved the desired
softness by using infrared film. The willow tree made dappled lights
and shadows on the subject, giving the image a sense of languorous,
ethereal movement.

Marc focused on the subject herself. Julia’s beauty
didn’t eclipse or detract from the surroundings. Instead she seemed
like an extension of them. The love shining from her eyes was
impossible to miss, along with the freshly-kissed expression on her
delicate features.
What kind of a fool would walk away from a
woman who looked at him like that?

He’d intended to add tint to the print, but had been
unable to do so. Somehow it seemed inappropriate to add color—to
bring to life an image which looked as if it were from an old
scrapbook—an image from the past.

Marc tried to remember how everything had become so
messed up in the first place. He always assumed that one day he’d
meet a nice girl, fall reasonably in love, get married and live
contentedly thereafter. Now he could see the superciliousness of his
assumption. He’d neglected to factor in the feelings of the female
somewhere along the line.
I do love Julia, I do want to marry her.
But our priorities are so different.

Aren’t they?

He sighed, wondering why he bothered to fixate on a
dilemma undoubtedly beyond repair anyway. Marc slid the print,
untinted, into a folder, and filed it away with the rest of his
prints.

***

Julia hovered near the oven as Sara pulled out the
roasted turkey, basking in the heat in an effort to get warm. Lately
she'd been so cold—even to the point of chills. The cooler, dank
weather forced her to buy more sweaters, but they only held in heat.
Julia felt cold from the inside out.

Reluctantly, she left the warmth of the stove to help
Sara bring bowls of food to the dining room table. Brian sat at the
table, holding his little boy, near two other couples who’d been
invited to share in the Thanksgiving meal. Julia felt disconnected
from the festivity. She had no appetite and didn’t feel
particularly thankful at the moment. More than anything, she wanted
the day to be over with so she could return to her laptop. There was
less time to think when her mind was occupied.

When all the food had been placed on the table, everyone
clasped hands and her brother said grace. While he prayed, Julia
silently asked for forgiveness for her sour mood. After the ‘amen’,
everyone began to pass the food around, murmuring appreciatively as
they filled their plates. Julia served herself only the tiniest
helpings and mostly just pushed the food around. Even ambrosia
would’ve nauseated her today.

Brian and Sara carried on a lively conversation with the
guests and they all seemed oblivious to her lack of participation.
Julia was glad. If she had to put one more fake smile on her face,
she thought she would scream. Maintaining a bright countenance at
work already drained her of her limited energy—energy she needed to
complete the job.

She watched as Alan had his first taste of candied yams.
She cracked a smile when she saw him promptly spit the yams out onto
his little bib.
A boy after my own heart
. Brian looked over at
her. He furrowed his brows and gave her a questioning look. She
returned his look with a limpid stare, stifling the urge to stick her
tongue out at him.

The happiest moment of the day came when the guests
left. She could clean the kitchen and be left alone. Shooing Sara
away to play with the baby, Julia filled the dishwasher with the
first load of dishes and turned it on. Next, she filled the sink to
begin on the big stuff. Plunging pots and pans into a sink full of
hot, bubbly water, she wished she could drown her sorrows just as
easily.

Julia smiled grimly at her morbid thoughts. After
shoving her feelings deep for so long, it gave her a sick kind of
satisfaction to give in to a blue funk. She dipped her arms in the
water up to her elbows, hoping to draw a measure of heat into her
cold limbs.

An almighty pain stung her backside, making her suck in
her breath. Julia whirled around and found her brother with a wet
dishtowel in his hands. Brian held onto both ends, spinning it
around, getting it ready for another shot.

“
What do you think you’re
doing?
” she
panted, rubbing her bottom.

He grinned wickedly. “Trying to get you to snap out of
it. Get it?
Snap
out of it?” To punctuate his pun, he
flicked the towel at her again and hit her in the thigh. What little
restraint remained dissolved as Julia scooped up a cup of water and
flung it in his direction.

Brian, soaked to the skin, sputtered in disbelief. “That
was a dirty trick!”

“
Wrong, it’s soapy water, so you’re clean!
Get
it
?
” Julia dodged another zinger from the dishtowel.
“You missed!”

Brian lunged for the sink and splashed her with
dishwater in revenge. Sara walked in, looked shocked by what she saw,
and quickly scurried out. Julia took advantage of Brian’s
distraction by shoving a cold, wet sponge down the front of his
shirt.

“
Hey!” He turned and grabbed her none too gently.
“You keep forgetting I’m bigger than you!”

Julia twisted her arm to free herself and jabbed a
finger between his ribs. He recoiled. She snatched the towel out of
his hands. Giving it a spin, she snapped it at him, found her mark,
and readied for another. Brian grabbed the towel in mid-air and
yanked her to him. But before he could get a good hold on her, Julia
kicked him in the shin.

Rubbing his leg, he glared at her. “I forgot how dirty
you fight!”

She primly stuck her tongue out and tried to run past
him out of the kitchen. Brian put his foot out and tripped her. With
an ungraceful splat, she sprawled belly first onto the floor.

“
Now look who’s fighting dirty!” she gasped. As
she attempted to crawl away, Brian grabbed hold of her ankle, flipped
her over and dragged her back to him, pinning her to the floor.

Breathing heavily, Julia made a valiant effort to glower
at him, but an irrepressible smile plagued her lips.

“
Feeling better?” Brian asked softly.

Julia’s smile faltered and her breath hitched in her
throat. She nodded.

Brian clambered to his feet and helped her up. Before
she could turn away, he pulled her into his arms and held her tight.

Julia pressed her face against his chest and fought an
overwhelming urge to cry. She failed. Suddenly a torrent broke loose,
soaking Brian’s already wet shirt with her tears. Between hiccups,
she mumbled her mortified apologies. Brian responded with another
hug. Julia squeezed her eyes shut and gratefully returned his
embrace, realizing she had so much to be thankful for. More than she
deserved.

Chapter Twenty-Four

For Marc, the Christmas break couldn’t come soon
enough. The days inched along and he wearied of wondering when he’d
see Julia again. When he did run into her, he was always unprepared
for the effect she had on him. Two weeks of freedom would ease the
strain.
I hope
. He planned to leave town on the twenty-fourth
and spend the holidays with his friends in Maupin. Maybe their
company would help him feel centered again.

After straightening his desk and gathering his camera
bags and portfolio case, he headed into the hallway. A bustle of
activity met him as faculty rushed around trying to complete
last-minute tasks before the long break. Christmas decorations hung
limply from every possible ledge and surface. He thought they were
tacky and looked forward to finding them gone when classes resumed.

On his way to the office to pick up his staff mail, he
saw Julia working in her cubicle. She stared blankly at her screen.
The white glow made her appear wan. Her usually straight shoulders
were slightly slumped as she pecked at an occasional key. Although
she looked exhausted, Marc considered her the most beautiful woman
he’d ever known. Unable to resist, he lingered for a moment and
watched her. When she pressed her fingertips to her forehead, the
gesture tugged at his heart.

Marc turned to go, then stopped. There was no reason why
he couldn’t be civil to her.
It’s Christmas for crying out
loud
.
I could at least say something like Happy Holidays
.

He walked slowly to her desk, drinking in the sight of
her. She glanced up and nearly jumped out of her chair. Pressing a
hand at the base of her throat, she stared up at him with a dazed
expression.

“
I’m sorry,” Marc said. “I didn’t mean to
startle you.”

Julia lowered her eyes and smoothed back a stray lock of
hair. “That’s all right.”