Life After (16 page)

It was calm and clear on the fifteenth of May; the day I had chosen for my balloon ceremony. We decided in April since I was still having problems visiting the cemetery we would have it at the lake that Avery and I like to visit. The lake is filled with happy memories for me.

Avery and I walked hand in hand towards
Chanawee Lake with Jenny and Andrew following close behind carrying the picnic baskets for our family. Yes, our family during my therapy sessions DeAnna has made me realize I unintentionally act as though Jenny isn’t my family. She said it was a defense mechanism that needs to be laid to rest. Slowly but surely I’m letting it go.  Jenny isn’t trying to take the place of my mother, she’s being a friend and that is something I can always use.

Clutching the envelopes in my hand
I’m extremely anxious to reach the area where we’ll be setting up. We’ve brought a blanket to sit on so we can watch the balloons and brought a small picnic to celebrate. It’s simple and that is how I want it, it’s how my family was, we were picnic people.

Tilting my head up the clear blue sky is dotted with white puffy clouds. Breathing deeply I take it all in, the calmness of the lake, birds flying overhead, the leaves on the trees rustling gently. Shielding my eyes from the sun I turn to Avery only to
find him struggling with the balloons that want to fly away. Taking pity on him I help him, untangling them from his hands. I adjust my grip as the wind blows them in opposite directions. There are a total of sixteen balloons including one for my mom, dad, Lexi and myself. We’re all going to send the balloons up with memories attached. I rolled the letters up and put them inside the balloons before we filled them with helium.

“Let’s lay the blanket down here,” I say pointing to the chosen grassy spot
that’s clear of any trees. Spreading the blanket out one handed I get it semi straightened just as Avery sits on it. Raising an eyebrow at him, really?

Jenny sets the basket down and straightens up, putting her hands on her hips and letting out a heartfelt sigh. . I give her a hug. “It’s going to be okay. I promise.”

“I should be the one comforting you not the other way around silly,” she says as she shields her face looking up at the sky.

Looking around I don’t see Andrew anywhere. “Where did Andrew go?” I ask shielding my eyes from the sun as I look over at her. No sooner do I ask I see him walking towards us. Waving to him I do a double take and see his arms are full of flowers. What on earth?

“Robbed a florist did you?” I ask him sarcastically.

“Very funny.” His reply is muffled through the flowers.

Jenny speaks up just then, “We both wanted to celebrate by putting flowers in the lake in their honor.” Tearing up I stare at them, these compassionate people that I have grown to love. My voice thick with emotion that I can’t contain comes out in a sob.

“You both are going to make me ugly cry.”

Handing the balloons back to Avery I make my way over with my arms wide open and hug Andrew not caring about the flowers and smooshing some of them as I hug him.  “Are you ready?” Everyone nods in agreement.

Taking the balloons from Avery so he can stand we start dividing them up. Standing in a semi circle with me in front  I realize it’s time for me to read  what I have written in my letter, a copy of the one I put into the balloon. Clearing my throat I open my letter to read it for the first time out loud, the paper crinkling in my shaking hands. Looking up at them I begin speaking softly.

“Life has a way of taking turns you never expected. The night I lost my family, I never expected to be blessed with another family. I had no way of knowing that the last thing I would say to my dad would be out of anger. I was so unprepared for them all to be gone. I mean really who is prepared for it? Ironically I remember how dad used to watch a show about surviving doomsday and how he would always say be prepared for anything and everything. Well dad, I failed that test. In the beginning I didn’t want to live, I couldn’t believe I had survived when they didn’t. How unfair of God to do that! I was so angry at all of them,” I say harshly. “Why did I deserve to live? Why me?”

Lifting my hands to the sky I shake my fist at it not caring how ridiculous I look. Glancing back down at the paper I calm down looking at my future, at Avery. “Avery brought me back to life, he found out my dark secret. He was the one who realized I was considering suicide. He’s also the one who pushed me the most and made me realize that suicide isn’t the answer.” We share a smile.

“Avery saw me at my worst and accepted me and loved me through it. He was by my side at appointments and waiting for me after therapy. He’s the one who suggested the grief group. Avery saved me from myself and I love him so very much. He is my light when it is dark. I wasn’t very nice to him in the beginning and was wallowing in so much pity that I didn’t realize just how much he did do for me until after the fact.”

Avery walks up to me and pulls me tightly to him and whispers softly in my ear. “You are everything to me Hadley, Everything.” Tears start falling down my face but
Avery moves next to me holding my hand for comfort.

“Last, but certainly not least you two,” pointing at Jenny and Andrew.
“You two were there for me when I was lost. You gave me a home when you didn’t know me very well. You took me to appointments and put up with horrendous mood swings and depression.” Clearing my throat I look up from the paper and look at Jenny,

“Jenny, you came right after the accident and were with me from day one. You took care of the funeral and all the arrangements that needed to be made. Something I knew I couldn’t handle since being alive at the moment seemed too much for me. I hope one day I will be able to show you just how much I appreciate what you did for me.”

They stand there as if waiting for me to continue and I cannot. My smile wobbles and I give in to the tears. Jenny runs to me, enveloping me in a bear hug, telling me she loves me and thinks of me as a daughter. This of course brings on more tears and Andrew who has been pretty quiet this entire time is trying to nonchalantly wipe his eyes.

Stepping away from each other Andrew hands the
white carnations to Jenny and me. I chose white carnations after researching finding out their definition meant remembrance. Cradling the flowers I look down at the carnations and smile wistfully. We carry the flowers to the lake and place them in one by one, silently watching them float away. It’s a beautiful site seeing them float along the lake. Once they’re far enough from the shore I nod at Avery, signaling it’s time for the balloon release.

Avery starts handing out the balloons to us one at a time. The ones I’m releasing I plan to do all at once. It’s important
to me since they were all taken at once, that I say goodbye to all of them together.

Closing my eyes I feel my breathing quickening and have to slow down and start a breathing technique. I was doing fine until this moment. I’m having the hardest time unclenching my hands from the balloon strings to let them go.

Whispering, “I love you.” I release them and watch them float into the air. My heart starts galloping as I watch them tossing in the wind. They’re getting smaller and smaller and a funny thing happens when the wind blows…I hear voices telling me everything is going to be okay. Startled I look around but no one seemed to hear it but me.

Avery has
his eyes on the balloons and I open my mouth to say something but all that comes out is a squeak. He moves towards me, putting an arm around my shoulder, “What was that, Hads?”

“Did you say something about everything being okay a few minutes ago?”

He looks at me strangely, “No I haven’t said anything to you since you released the balloons.”

I get a warm feeling in my stomach thinking that maybe just maybe they were here today watching us remember them. My smile widens and I feel everything is going to work out and
I’ll continue to be happy.

Avery and I walk hand in hand back towards the picnic we had set up earlier. I lay my head in his lap while he strokes my hair.
Staring at the blue sky I realize that it’s true, after the storm come the rainbows. Smiling, I look for the balloons and spot the tiny dots in the distance. I feel so much lighter and the burden of living is gone. Tilting my head back I grin at Avery as Jenny and Andrew sit on the blanket next to us to have lunch. Jenny squeezes my leg as she stretches her legs out next to mine.

Everyone talks over each other,
fighting for the picnic basket and I’m miles away in a happy place. I’ve realized that in an instant life can change drastically. It can take everything away without a second thought, but it gives back. I may have lost one family but I was lucky enough to gain one as well. It has also shown me to take no one for granted.

Where do I even begin? Avery saved me. He brought light into the darkness and has been shining his light upon me ever since. We moved out of Jenny and Andrew’s house a few months after I started college. We rent our own two bedroom duplex across town and it is really adorable. I fell in love with it right away, but we will need a larger home soon.

I’m going to school for my counseling degree, and am in my second year and loving every minute of it. I work part time at a photography studio and Avery finished EMT school and was lucky enough to get hired on at the hospital right after he graduated.

I’m not sure if I’ll ever be able to express how much meeting Avery meant to me. He lit a fire in my soul. He gave me a reason to live and I’m going to spend the rest of my life showing him how much he means to me. He finally talked me into visiting my family’s gravesites. It took quite a few tries since I kept having panic attacks when he mentioned it and just thinking about going sent me to my psychologist’s office, but with his and my psychologist’s help I was able to get them under control enough to visit.

Getting the courage to visit my family’s gravesites was one of the best things I’ve ever done. I wouldn’t have done it without
DeAnna, Jenny and Avery’s encouragement.  The first day I went there alone, Avery waited in the car, but gave me time to be with my family alone. He waited for hours finally having to come and carry me away from where I had actually fallen asleep holding onto the headstone. I cried. A lot. I told my family everything that had happened since they had been gone. I told them all about Avery and our life together.

Having Avery there meant the world to me. He stood by my side the second day and let me introduce him to my family. I also let them in on a little secret.

Avery proposed to me the other day. We went out on our lake to fish around dusk only instead of fishing he had tables and chairs set up. I was so not expecting it, that it took me a minute to walk towards it. He was so romantic, he pulled my chair out for me and even had sandwiches made for us. I know I know not five star dining to most but it was five star to me. We stayed there talking and eating until the sun started to set, as it was setting he turned on some soft music on his iPod and held his hand out and we danced, right on that hard wood dock.

“So,” He murmurs huskily in my ear,
“I think it’s time we made some changes around here.”

Pulling back I look up at him, “
What kind of changes?” I ask looping my fingers into his hair.

“Well the first change I want to make is well I think it’s time you changed your last name.”

“Huh?” I ask baffled.

He pulls away from me and lowers himself onto his left knee, pulling out a black velvet box he looks me straight in the eye
as he opens it and asks me to marry him and I am giddy with happiness and there make have been squealing involved.

Clearing his throat he asks me again.

“Will you marry me, Hadley?”

“Hell yes!”

Pulling him up off his knee he puts the ring on my finger, it’s beautiful with a dark blue sapphire in the center with two small diamonds on each side. Pulling him towards me I kiss him giddily and maybe a little too forcefully because I somehow manage to make him lose his balance which sends us both off the edge of the dock.

We stood there soaking wet in the middle of the lake kissing until my teeth started chattering. I know it sounds corny but it was amazing
.

Life is has a way of opening your eyes. I thought my life was over when my family died.
It felt like there was nothing left to live for until Avery unexpectedly came into my life. I really didn’t want to live if they weren’t here with me. Life will show you when it’s time to stand up and fight, Avery gave me that fight and I consider it kismet meeting him. For instance, If Avery hadn’t helped me get out of the black hole of depression that was draining me of life I wouldn’t be giving him one of the best gifts that only I can give him. Holding onto the positive pregnancy test I take a deep breath and call him into the bedroom.

THE END

Well actually…A brand new beginning.

“And once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.”

― Haruki Murakami