Life After (15 page)

“I’m just enjoying a happy Hadley. It’s so much nicer then a depressed Hadley.”

I lean over and ruffle his hair, “Giddy up cowboy!” Not going to tell him, but I’m really enjoying being happy too.

Driving along I glance over at Avery and smile, a song on the radio is softly playing and I listen to the lyrics.
It’s a great day to be alive, the suns still shining when I close my eyes.
The irony of this song playing right now makes me shake my head laughing. “What?” Avery asks glancing my way.

“This song, it’s just really ironic that it’s playing right now.”

Looking out the window I see us coming up to Wal-Mart and I get a wonderful idea. I never bought any Christmas presents for anyone during my depression and they have done so much for me. I need to do this. I
need
to buy them presents.

“Avery! Turn into
Wal-mart for me,” I exclaim making him swerve and slam on the brakes.

“Geez Hadley! A little more notice next time,” he grunts, flicking the blinker on he turns into the parking lot. “Why do you need to go here?”

“I have to buy Christmas Presents.”

“Right now?”

“Yes right now!

“You know
its April right?” He scratches his chin.

“Better late than never.” Grabbing his hand I pull him towards the store. He flips his hat backwards, looking
about as enthused as someone about to get a tooth pulled, “Your wish is my command. Lead the way.” Grabbing a cart he walks next to me looking like he is in pain.

“What? You don’t like shopping?”

“No, not really. What guy does?”

“I’ll be fast, I promise.” Heading to the electronic section of the store I look around for something for Andrew. Standing there tapping my finger to my mouth I have no idea what to get him. Avery grabs The Walking Dead series and puts it in the cart.

“Andrew will like this.”

“You know I’m supposed to pick the presents out right? 

Shrugging, “The faster we get this done the sooner we get to eat.” He walks over to the video games and picks up one of the controllers and starts playing one of the demo games. Well at least I have Andrew’s present thanks to Avery. Because, in all honesty I had no idea what to get him.

Now for Jenny, I think I’m going to get her candles. Leaving Avery at the video games I start sniffing candles.
I breathe in the apple tart smell and it brings me back my mom and I trying to make homemade apple pies. What a disaster that was, we ended up having a flour fight and dad walked in.  I’ll never forget the shock on his face when mom when to hug him and dumped flour on his head. Sighing sadly I remind myself what DeAnna has been telling me throughout our sessions. It’s okay to remember them and not break down. Part of moving on and keeping them alive in my heart is being able to embrace the memories. Grabbing three of the candles for Jenny, Avery walks up behind me and hugs me as I’m putting them in the basket and kisses my head. My heart beats faster when he does it. I really do love him. Now I just need for Avery to leave me alone so I can go pick out his present.

“Hey Avery, do you want to go wait in the car for me?”
I bite my lip in hopes he won’t ask questions and just go.

“You sure you can handle doing all this by yourself?”

A laugh bursts out of my mouth, “Avery…I’m female and I consider shopping a sport. I got this.” Putting my hands in fists like a boxer, I let out a few air punches.

“Okay Rocky…I’ll go play the claw machine and you call me when you’re done. I don’t feel like sitting in the car for I don’t know how long
...I’m not a dog, it’s not like I get to bark at people passing by.”

Shaking my head at him I
shoo him away.

He leaves with his hands in his pockets but stops and helps an older lady that’s struggling to push her cart out of the door and then I see him walking towards the claw machine. When he puts a dollar in I turn around and head to the video game area and grab the game I saw him looking at earlier. Then I head over to the toy department and am somehow able to find a toy story claw game…it’s a gag gift, but I think he will appreciate it.

Next Christmas I’m going all out on everyone but this will do for now. Heading on over to the gift wrap area I grab some wrapping paper and cards, I’m done.

After checking out I make sure all of Avery’s presents are hidden so I can call and locate him; he’s still at the claw machine, go figure. Walking towards him I see him standing there with two stuffed animals he won smiling at me and with a flourish he hands them to me. “For you my lady.”

Bowing my head regally, “Why kind sir, you shouldn’t have! A stuffed Unicorn? A stuffed rabbit? My heart runneth over.”

He looks so sweet standing there that I grab the stuffed animals and kiss him in the entrance way of
Wal-mart, classy I know. Grinning I squeeze his waist before letting him go.

We were so sidetracked with the impromptu shopping trip that we didn’t remember the food until we were halfway home. We end up running through a fast food place and grabbing some burgers instead. When we pull into the driveway we gather our load and walk in on Jenny and Andrew watching a movie. Turning their heads they look at us and our things.

“Don’t look don’t look don’t look!” I yell out as I use Avery as a shield so they don’t see the presents as I cross their path to my room. They stare at me like I’ve gone crazy.

“Hey Avery?” Jenny calls.

Poking his head around the hallway, “Yeah?”

“Is everything okay?”

“Yep.”

“Did you guys rob a store?”

“Nope.”

“Okay, just checking.”

Glancing up quickly as the door shuts with a bang I give him the eye for scaring me, he sits on my bed watching me pull all the stuff out of the bags grabbing the wrapping paper, tape and scissors. Cutting the paper to the length I need it I feel his eyes on me.  “What? You’re not getting your present early so don’t even try the puppy dog eyes.”

“It’s not that…well okay a tiny bit of that, I’m not going to lie. It’s just that I love you so much and I’m still getting used to this.”

“This?”

“You being happy and not looking like the grim reaper.”

“I’ve been that bad, huh?”

Cheeks reddening he nods. “Can I take you to the lake on a picnic tomorrow?”

“Well that was totally random...the picnic part…you’re being a little bit squirrelish going from one thing to another today aren’t you?”

“Can’t help it…you bring out the weird in me.”

“Sure blame it on me…now go eat your food and distract Jenny and Andrew for me…okay?”

“Sure thing, jellybean.” he says leaning down to kiss the top of my head.

Hearing him leave I walk to the door and lock it and take out the gifts I bought him and start wrapping them. Glancing at my festive non Christmassy gifts I place the letters I wrote earlier in the day, goodbye letters I wrote to my mom and Lexi and my former self on the dresser.

Walking back to the pile of presents precariously piled on the bed I stack them in my arms carefully so they don’t fall and head out to the living room.

Balancing the presents I’m stunned as I walk into the darkened living room and here is a lit Christmas tree in the middle of the room. The room is lit with various candles, closing my eyes I breathe in the gently perfumed air. Christmas music is coming from the stereo, I can’t help it. I feel the tears coming and they start sliding down my face. I’m a big blubbering mess when Avery walks up behind me and pulls me to his chest. Apparently in the time I was wrapping these surprise gifts he took the time recreating Christmas and put up the tree. He later told me he called Andrew and had him get the tree ready while we were gone and hide it until he could finish setting up. I look around at the lights in awe, they twinkle with little stars and the whole living room feels transformed. Moving away from Avery I place the presents under the tree.

I find Avery watching me and I boldly move towards him, placing a kiss on his lips. “Thank you, thank you,
and thank you! I don’t know what I ever did to deserve you, Avery but I thank God everyday you came into my life.

With his hands around my waist looking deeply in my eyes he replies, “The feeling is very mutual, baby.” Leaning down he covers my lips with his own and I’m again lost in him.

Jenny walks in the room pulling us out of our moment, a smug smile on my face. My face is on fire with embarrassment by being seen kissing Avery so enthusiastically.

“Hey, guy’s what’s all this?”Jenny looks around exclaiming. Did I miss something?” Closing her eyes she reopens them twice. “I’ve gone back in time haven’t I?

Avery laughs, “No, but Hadley  decided since she was so depressed at Christmas she wanted to make up for it, so she decided to celebrate it today, out of the blue. I surprised her with the tree—because I’m totally smooth like that.” he says brushing his shoulders off.

Andrew lifts his head, “What am I chopped liver?”

“I’m sorry…I could not have done it without the help of the mighty Andrew.”

Turning in Andrew’s direction he throws a pillow at him.

“Dork,” I laugh giving him a shove.

“I bought you all gifts!” I exclaim giddy with happiness.
“I’m ready to come back to the land of the living. It took me awhile to get here and it’s a day by day thing but I’m really working hard on it. I know I haven’t been the nicest person to be around but I want you all to know how much you all mean to me.”

Jenny wraps me in a hug, “Oh sweetie, we know! You lost a huge part of your light and we weren’t sure if you would get it back. Losing your family like that is not something easily bounced back from.” Crying we are both holding on to each other.

“I wasn’t brave Jenny. There was a short while where I considered ending my life, but Avery actually brought me back from that point. I guess I just hid it well. I couldn’t have done it without Avery or you though. Looking over at Avery he mouths the words. “I love you” at me. My heart melts a bit more great, he’s turning me into one of those girls, but I’m proud of it.

Pulling away from me Jenny she wipes here eyes and says, “Enough with the crying lets open presents!”

Once everyone finds a seat I start handing out the presents. Jenny takes hers and holds it gently. Grabbing a tissue from her pocket she wipes her eyes.

“Why are you still crying?” I ask as I hand Andrew his present.

“I’m just so happy, Hadley…I thought we had lost you the first few months you were here but here you are almost a year later, finally starting to live again. Oh and I get presents! Can’t forget the presents!”

We all laugh at her antics, everyone starts opening their presents with the excitement of this unexpected treat. I’m just standing there holding the cards I wrote earlier in the day, staring at my loved ones in happiness, actual happiness. For once
I’m enjoying something with the family that doesn’t have me wanting to crawl into a hole or reach for my pills. It’s going to be okay. Breathing deeply I stay seated on the arm of the couch and watch quietly, enjoying the laugher that circles me.

They’ve been there for me when I wasn’t very nice. They took me in and showed me love when I wasn’t very unlovable. Glancing around the room I find Avery who is staring at me with a stupid grin on his face. I grin back as he walks over to me and picks me up in a hug and spins me around.

Laughing I screech, “Put me down!” Once he finally does I shake the dizziness from my head. It’s time for my announcement. Clearing my throat I talk over everyone talking, “I have something important I need to tell everyone.”

Now that they are all staring at me I feel the butterflies floating in my stomach before I start I take a calming breath. “I’m not sure if I mentioned this to you but during my therapy sessions,
DeAnna suggested I write four letters to my family and one to myself. It took awhile but I finally wrote them like my psychologist suggested. I can’t read them to you but will be attaching all of them even the one I wrote to my dad months ago to balloons per my psychologist’s suggestion in a ceremony to send the balloons and letters to Heaven. Ideally I would like to do it at my family’s gravesite, but I’m not sure if I will be ready to go there yet so I think the lake where Avery and I went fishing would be perfect, but I’m still not decided yet.”

Avery looks like he’s about to agree but I keep talking, afraid if I don’t I won’t be able to get the words out later, “
I also have this metal tree, that I call the memory tree. What I do whenever I have a memory of them I write it down and hang it on the tree. I would like for it to go in the living room somewhere, basically somewhere we can see it.”

Clasping my hands together, I look around the silent room and wait for them to say something
and they all start talking at once. Most of it centers on planning a trip over there, and I can’t get a word in so I stand there with a relieved smile on my face.

Life has a way of chewing you up and spitting you out, sometimes you come out stronger than you did before. I can only hope
I’ve learned from this and become a better person from it.

My mom’s saying was true, ‘That which doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.’ I didn’t believe her at first. In fact I never thought I would be strong ever again but even from Heaven
she’s showing me that a mother always knows best.

Watching Jenny, Andrew and Avery together makes me tear up. They have been there for me when I wasn’t very nice to be around. They took me in and showed me love when I was very
unlovable. Glancing around the room I look over at Avery who is staring at me with a grin on his face. I grin back at him and he walks over to me picking me up in yet another hug and spins me around, again. Embarrassed, my face turns bright red and I hide my face in his shoulder as he continues to spin me.

Finally slowing down, but still holding me he walks us to the couch and sits down breathing heavily. “You did it Hadley. You didn’t let your grief consume you;
you’re such an amazing girl.”

Turning to look at him I play with the collar of his shirt flipping it up and down.

“Avery, what if I told you that you were a huge factor in me being here today? What if I told you that you are my reason for wanting to live again? You rescued me and pushed me when I thought I wanted to die. I was willing to take my life and you wouldn’t leave me alone. I’ve never been so thankful to have a person not leave me alone in my life. It is you who is truly amazing.”

“Let’s make it even.
We’re both amazing.”

“I concur.” I laugh and
grab his hand. He turns the TV on and we sit in the dark with the Christmas tree lights glowing in the background holding hands. It’s really quite Hallmarky even if it is April. Eventually his head leans onto my shoulder and his breathing deepens, signaling he has fallen asleep. I run my hands through his hair my heart warming at the sight of him.

This is one of those moments
in life when I know I’m going to be okay. It’s in this moment I can officially say I’ve got this.