Life After (12 page)

Walking out of the office in a daze I barely recall making the appointment for next week. I’m still upset I have to write these stupid goodbye letters, it’s not like they are going to read them. I’m not sure I can or want to do that. What’s the freaking point? I mean seriously, what am I going to talk about in my letter? I’m so lost in thought that I fail to see Avery sitting in the waiting room as I pass him on my way to the street. When a hand grabs my arm I let out a very loud and unladylike noise. My heart speeds up and I swing my cane and almost hit whoever it is that grabbed me. The person grabs my shoulders to stop me from hitting them and pushes me against the wall.

“Hadley, Stop trying to hit me!”

Recognizing the voice I stop fighting, glancing at the tattooed covered wrist gripping my arm. Taking a deep breath I look into his green eyes, trying to calm down as I realize Avery is the person who grabbed me.

“W
hy would you grab me like that? Seriously Avery, you scared the shit out of me. Next time talk to me before you do that. I would have hit you with my cane and I still should,” I say with more enthusiasm then he probably wanted to hear.

“You walked right past me while I was talking to you and you didn’t even say anything or act like you saw me,” he say’s still holding me firmly. “Trust me next time I won’t grab you when you’re millions of miles away in your head. You swing and go off like Mike Tyson, next time I might lose an ear.”

A giggle bursts out of me. He starts laughing with me and before we know it were both almost in tears. Following behind me he wheezes out between laughs, “So I survived an attack by a 5’2 wannabe Mike Tyson and I lived to tell about it!” I watch him as he is bent over laughing then see him take a look at my face and stops. “So, um how did the appointment go?” he seems cautious, laughter forgotten as we walk to the car. He rushes stumbling over the curb to get to my side to open the door for me. I have to admit. I really enjoy when he does, not that I would ever tell him. .. With all that’s going on I don’t even give it a second thought that I was able to get into the car without a panic attack.

“She wants me to write goodbye letters to my family.” Buckling up, I pull at a loose thread on my sleeve not really knowing what else to say. “I’m not sure I can do that.”  Sighing, I stare blankly out of the window as I wait for Avery to pull out of the parking lot. My thoughts are so jumbled I can’t even begin to put them into words so I stay silent.

Avery reaches over and puts his hand on my leg patting it softly in comfort and I place mine on top of his entwining our fingers until he pulls his hand away to drive the car. He cuts in front of someone who honks their horn, and I’m hitting my imaginary brake.

I purse my lips not giving into the
fear that wants to break out.

Pulling my phone out of my purse
to distract me from Avery’s driving I check for any missed calls. None. I don’t know why I’m even surprised, Jenny knows I was at the appointment and Avery was with me. Jamie who I thought was my best friend hasn’t called since I left. I thought we were better friends than that. So who exactly would call me? Looking up from the phone I notice we aren’t on the way home at all but turning in to the parking lot of a frozen yogurt shop.

“
Erm,” I say staring at the brightly painted outside of the store, “Why are we at a yogurt shop?”

“Oh you know to buy some shoes. Come on Hadley why do you think we’re at the yogurt shop?”

Okay, he totally took that the wrong way but whatever it was a good comeback.

Avery jumps out of the car and runs to my side of opening the door for me. Bowing he says, “My dear Hadley…you can cure almost anything with frozen yogurt and we are going to cure your bad day.” He pulls me out of the car and puts his arm around my shoulder pulling me up next to him kissing the top of my head.

The bell rings, a very piercing loud sound as Avery opens the door for me. I inhale the air conditioned sweet smell of the yogurt shop, it’s a wonderful mixture of candy and ice cream. Inhaling deeply again, I really think they should market it, like the flavor of happiness. There are too many things to look at, the menu, the candy buffet, Avery being sexy as hell, the lone waitress blushing as he fills a cup of yogurt. I’m trying to decide what to put on my yogurt when Avery waves a cup under my nose.

“Come back from
lala land Hadley…come back…we have yogurt.”

Snapping out of it I follow the cup with my eyes. Pinching his side gets him to stop and I grab my yogurt. Holding it up like a trophy I give my acceptance speech. “Thank you, kind sir. I would like to thank the Academy—

Cutting me off Avery puts his hand over my mouth. “How are you going to pick what candy you want?” Wagging his eyebrows at me, “Do you choose one or choose two? Be daring Hadley…live a little…get one of each!”

Shaking my head at his antics I move back over to the buffet and start piling on candy. Once done I walk over to the table Avery’s sitting at and notice he doesn’t
have one candy topping. Pointing to his dish I ask, “Aren’t we living a little?”

“
Naw, sometimes plain is good.”

“So you make this huge deal about living a little and here you are eating plain yogurt.” I look at my
yogurt hidden under sprinkles, chocolate chips and gummy worms.

“Frozen yogurt,” he corrects. I roll my eyes, looking out the
window; I savor the yogurt, licking my spoon, sucking on gummy worms, letting the chocolate chips melt in my mouth. I catch a family walking by laughing with their kids. Seeing a family together is still something I have to work, it gets to me, turning me into a jealous wretch. Avery doesn’t seem to notice, eating his plain yogurt. I get a warm feeling in my heart. He makes me feel things I have never felt before. He makes me think life will be okay and that it’s worth living again. He catches me watching him and grins at me. My mind drifts back to my therapy session and my stomach rolls with the dread I’m feeling about having to write this letter. It’s so weird to be so afraid to write something on paper they will never see.

“Hey Hadley?”

Startled out of my thoughts I come back to the present realizing I’ve been sitting there with the spoon in midair dripping yogurt on me and the table. Grabbing a napkin I wipe at my shirt trying to get some of the yogurt off. “Hmm?” Wiping the mess I made off the table and balling up the napkins. The yogurt has become a gross melted candy mess.

“You’ve been zoned out all day. What’s going on?” he asks leaning forward watching me.

Tracing a crack in the table top, “I’m sorry it’s just been a super long day. I haven’t really been great company have I?” Grabbing my hands into his he starts talking and I start really listening. I owe him my full attention. 

“It’s okay to be okay, you know that right? I’m here for
you; actually we are all here ready and waiting for when you need us. You just have to let us in.”

“If only it was that easy. I mean why the hell can’t I turn the guilt off? I’ve had time. What the heck is wrong with me?”

Looking down at my lap I see a bunch of tiny napkin pieces. I don’t even recall tearing it up, it looks like a little mountain. I bunch them all together and put them on the table. The mutilated napkin sits there attesting to my nervousness. “Can I ask you a question, Avery?”

“You just did,” he says with a grin. “Seriously, though you can ask me anything you want.”

I can’t believe I’m about to ask him this but I have to know, the not knowing is killing me. I don’t care if it’s wrong. I don’t care about anything other than knowing the answer to this question. Blowing the breath out of my cheeks I just go for it. “Is it wrong to be in love with someone so soon after someone’s death?”

He’s sitting there with a stunned look on his face. A few minutes pass and he still hasn’t said anything. Well this is awkward. Pushing my chair out, I stumble quickly away, not waiting for his response.

I leave, I don’t bother to look back, I don’t want to see his shocked face again. Walking towards the parking lot I hear footstep jogging towards me and keep on trying not to cry.

“Hadley! Will you please stop?”

“You made yourself clear a few minutes ago. So no I’m not stopping.” I reply bitterly.

“How did I make myself clear? You didn’t give me a chance. I was trying to take in what you said. But you ran out before I could respond.” He’s angry throwing his hands in the air. “You always do that, run off and become all dramatic. I’m so sick o
f the drama! One minute you’re lovey dovey and the next you hate the world.”

“Are we really going to do this here in a parking lot?” I ask rolling my eyes and running my hand through my long hair.

“You started this and I’m finishing it for good.” He stalks towards me with an intent angry look in his eyes. I’m not scared of him; I know he wouldn’t hurt me.

He backs me up to the car door leaning forward, putting his arms on either side of me. “You’re so afraid to feel something, Hadley. How long's it going to take you until you understand that you did not die?” he punctuates every syllable of those last four words.  “Don't you think that for one minute your mom or dad wouldn't want you to be anything but happy? You never gave me the chance to respond to you back there before you left.” His forehead
knocks against mine, his lips so close that if I leaned forward an inch they would touch. I ball my hands into a fist so I don’t lean in and kiss him.

I can smell his aftershave and it smells so good. It is so hard not to pull his face towards mine. “I want you so badly it hurts. I want to take your pain away. I want you to smile. I want you to be happy and I’m selfish because I want the reason you’re happy to be me, Hadley, me. Every time I think we’re okay and have a chance at being a normal couple you go back into your shell. You become angry at the world and that’s not fair. I’m not a puppet for you to pull my strings when you need me. I have feelings too and
you’re hurting mine every time you push me away.”

He’s so tense. I can
see veins popping out of his neck; I’ve done this to him. I’ve been so immersed in dealing with my own grief that I haven’t been aware of how I’m affecting those around me.

I’m stunned
when I realize just what I am doing to Avery. I’ve been coddled enough. It’s time for me to starting living again and to stop hurting the ones I love.

“I’m done, Avery. I’m getting the help I need and I am going to be happy again. My mom and dad would hate how I have turned out. They were live for the moment, dance in the rain kind of people. I’m doing a disservice to their memory. You were brought into my life when it was dark and have done everything you can to help me. I’ve almost snuffed your light out. You mean too much to me for me to hurt you whether intentionally or not—”

Taking my hand he puts it to his mouth, the sensation of his lips stop me from what I was about to say. His other hand goes to the back of my neck and pulls me forward as his lips descend towards mine only he stops millimeters away. Pulling my hand away I put it behind his neck. I can taste the cool mint of his breath on my lips, I’m yearning for him to come closer and he stops.

“If you want a kiss Hadley you’re going to have to be the one to kiss me, sweetie. Now is your time to step up,” he tells me softly.

Moving my hands through his soft dark hair, staying that way for a few minutes I watch his eyes darken as I pull him down into one of the best kisses I’ve ever had. We stand there kissing in broad daylight in a parking lot pressed up against the car not caring if the world see’s us. What were we fighting about again?

***

When we unattach ourselves from each other my mind is still so focused on the kiss that I fail to have a worry about getting into the car. I of course play the DJ because Avery has crap music taste. No Luke Bryan my ass, I smile as a turn the volume up. Avery pulls his sunglasses down, “Oh no you didn’t.”

“Oh, I’m pretty sure I did.”

Turning the music off he suggests a game of twenty questions, anything so he doesn’t have to listen to Luke Bryan. We play twenty questions the entire way home, while it’s all fun and games I can’t push that niggling feeling of guilt out of my gut. Biting my lip I think about the pamphlet burning a hole in my pocket. “Avery?” I turn to him watching his profile as he drives.

“Hmm?”

“How do you feel about grief counseling? If I decided to go to it?”

Pulling up at a red light he looks over at me with a smile on his face seeming to think for a minute before he speaks, “I think it would be an awesome thing for you to do. I think you could benefit from it and if you wouldn’t mind I would like to go with you to the meetings.”

“You would go with me?”

Laughing, “
Darlin’, we’re a couple, a unit. I stand by you and emotionally we help each other. We are like lobsters…when we mate it will be for life.”

Looking sideways at him, “You know I don’t think its lobsters that mate for
life.I think it’s actually penguins.

“Don’t ruin the moment Hadley, just close your eyes and imagine us as lobster’s that do mate for life walking claw in claw.”