License to Love (63 page)

The hurt in Cassie’s voice dug into Savanna’s conscience.

“I don’t talk about it,” Savanna said about the fire. “But
sometimes it’s in my dreams.”

After a long pause, Cassie said, “I’m sorry for not thinking
about that. It’s got to be hard…now.”

“No.” She shook her head. “I mean, it is a little hard, but
that doesn’t mean I don’t want to be here for you. It’s one kind of strain, and
then there’s…” How could she open the door to everything else?

Cassie’s gaze was on her, sharp now instead of the lost,
fuzzy look she’d worn when Savanna had arrived. “Other things, like Eric?”

Savanna’s heartbeat roared up into her head at the prospect
of sharing about her marriage. Yeah, it might give Cassie something to think
about, but Savanna wasn’t sure she could handle it.

Cassie glanced down at Savanna’s hand. “Your ring’s gone.
Are things officially over?”

Savanna nodded, but she didn’t want to see Cassie’s reaction
to what she planned to say. “I wish I had never met him.”

Savanna waited several minutes for Cassie to respond in some
way, and then she felt both let down and relieved when she didn’t. It hadn’t
been the right thing to say to a new widow. It struck her yet again how unfair
it was that a great guy like Mike died, leaving a wife he loved, while Eric
lived happily and greedily ever after, without a care for Savanna or Aubrey.
They sat together for a while until Savanna left to take a shower.

Half an hour later, when she felt ready to face the day, Savanna
heard Cassie and Aubrey at the other end of the house. She stopped in the
entrance to the living room when she found them. Aubrey’s brown curls were
close in color to Cassie’s long hair. They looked more related than Savanna and
Aubrey did.

Cassie glanced up at Savanna then, reminding her she wasn’t
invisible. “Savanna, what are these?”

Savanna sat down on the other side of Aubrey, who held a
stack of stapled pictures. “Oh, I didn’t know Aubrey had those out.” She hadn’t
even noticed what they’d been looking at until then.

“You drew all these pictures?” Cassie held another book and
flipped through it.

Savanna felt her face flush as she nodded. She’d hidden them
because not only had she illustrated several books, but the stories were about
her and Cassie growing up together. Savanna held her breath while Cassie
flipped through the last one.

“Wow, I knew you could draw, but I didn’t know you were
interested in children’s books. These are wonderful. Have you submitted them
anywhere?”

“Children’s books? No, I didn’t make them to share. I was
bored, I guess. Aubrey gave me the idea.”

Cassie slapped the stack of papers on the coffee table and
narrowed her eyes at Savanna. “Savanna Lily Thompson, you’ve kept everything
from me!”

Cassie’s anger startled Savanna. “It’s just something for
Aubrey.”

“What else is going on?”

I’ve got the hots for the guy you’re mad at.
The
thought flew into her head, almost unwanted. She wanted to help him, not get
into a dead-end relationship. “I don’t know what to say. I’m sorry.”

Maybe she should be glad Cassie had something to think about
besides her loss, but Savanna didn’t like being in the hot seat.

“How about saying you’ll tell me these things? You could
share. I’m your best friend, remember?”

“I do.” How could she ignore that opening? “I did want to
ask you something. About Jason.”

“What about him?”

Grabbing a big breath, she blurted, “He wasn’t at that fire
that killed Mike.”

There. It was out there.

“That’s not what this is about.” Cassie propped her feet on
the table. “Mike wanted to quit, I told you that.”

“Wanted to?” She asked, responding to Cassie’s anger and
instantly knowing she didn’t have the right to say it. She didn’t have a right
to suggest it was Cassie’s idea, not now. Savanna half expected Cassie to lose
it or jump up and leave, but she just closed her eyes instead.

A minute passed while she tried to think of some way to
redeem herself. Then Cassie said, “He wanted a family.”

“I know.”

“Jason just couldn’t let him walk away. Sure, Mike loved
that job, but it was dangerous. We talked about his job for a year before he
decided to resign. I think I mentioned all this on the phone, if you were
listening back then.”

Savanna sighed and felt like the breath leaving her lungs
was something else, something bigger. “I’m sorry about that, Cass. I was trying
to deal with a lot and didn’t want to admit it.”

Cassie’s head lifted and her light brown eyes honed in on
Savanna. Maybe she hadn’t said anything earlier because she needed to think it
over. “You haven’t explained why your marriage ended.”

Savanna shook her head and shrugged at the same time, like
it wasn’t anything. Yeah, like anyone would buy that. She picked at her nails.
“There are a lot of reasons. We grew apart. With his job, you know. He wasn’t
interested in a family, or in me, for that matter.”

“Then you know what it’s like to lose your husband. You
should understand why I’m so mad.”

Only Savanna couldn’t begin to compare her situation to Cassie
suddenly losing the love of her life. Or could she? While Cassie suddenly lost
Mike, she had slowly lost Eric. They had both lost their dream of a happy
family. The difference was Savanna had Aubrey, and she hadn’t lost someone who
was madly in love with her. When the cards were on the table, she knew Cassie
had a deeper pain to overcome. 

Four

Jason had to make it through the weekend before he could go
back to work. Right now, that sounded like forever. He stood on his back porch
with a Coke in his hand and stared out at the hills over the other housetops.
The close of summer felt final this year, ending an era in his life.

His boss had offered more him time. Heck, Alex tried to
force him to take more, but he didn’t want to. He didn’t need all this time to
think. Thinking made things worse.

The only thing that felt right was getting back to work and
doing his job. He hadn’t heard from Cassie, big surprise, but he checked his
messages every day and drove past her house whenever he was out.

Since he couldn’t go to work, he headed out of the house and
into his jeep to drive by once again. Seeing Cassie’s car by her house, he slowed
down and spotted the three of them up ahead on the sidewalk. Savanna pushed a
stroller, her face tilted down. As he slowly drove closer, he saw that Aubrey
held an ice cream cone, and it looked like she had ice cream on both hands, as
well as on her dress. They noticed him.

Cassie picked up her pace and went inside her gate, but
Savanna waited on the sidewalk. He parked and hopped out, grateful to see her,
but her teary eyes stopped him from speaking. They looked like a pool of water
under a waterfall, reflecting green light from the surrounding ferns. Her hair
made a wispy curl on her shoulder. He had to touch it and found it to be as
soft as he had imagined. “Savanna.” He finally spoke, but her name was all he
could manage.

Instead of answering, she sighed, sounding alone and
wistful. The emotional mood hung heavily, so it felt natural for him to lean
forward and wrap his arms around her, pulling her against him. Good God, she
felt good in his arms. Her face nestled into his neck, and the way she leaned
into him told him she needed the support. Cassie could be watching them from
the window, but Jason hurt too much inside to care. “You okay?” he asked.

“Yeah. Sorry.” Savanna sheepishly pulled back, wiping her
eyes.

“Don’t worry, what are friends for?” he said, and she
glanced at him in surprise. He wanted to keep his hands on her shoulders, but
that’d embarrass her more.

“Things will get better,” she said like a prayer.

“You remember that, too, all right?” He knew she had a pile
of her own burdens. They stood close together, and Jason had to shove his hands
in his pockets so he wouldn’t touch her again. He could be a good friend, even though
he wanted a hell of a lot more. She’d glossed her lips orange sherbet, and he
wondered if they’d taste as sweet as they looked. He shouldn’t want her this
badly, especially standing on the sidewalk so close to Cassie’s house.

“I should go,” she whispered, holding his gaze even after
she spoke.

“Yeah, Cassie’s waiting,” he said. His words seemed to shake
her out of the moment. After she looked toward Cassie’s house, Savanna gave him
a weak smile and turned away. He watched the swish of her green summer dress.
Not a bad picture, except it tormented him to see her walk away. He wanted to
see her, hear her voice, and touch her skin. How could he need someone he
hardly knew?

The alarm flipped on, and the buzzing sent Jason right out
of bed. Monday morning. Finally, he could go back to work and keep busy. He
rushed through a shower, looking forward to drills, exercises, and checking
equipment.

When he arrived at work a half an hour later, his boss met
him at the door. “Jason! How’re you doing?”

A nice normal day at work. Yup. Several guys were quiet and
trying to look like they weren’t listening.

“Hey, Alex, I’m doing well.” What could he say? The truth?
His boss acted glad to see him, but when they reached the wall of lockers, the
three other guys in the room grew quiet.

“What’s up?” Right as he asked, Jason saw they were about to
clean out Mike’s locker. It didn’t look like anyone planned to answer him
except for the glance they all gave Alex. He imagined Alex had decided it would
be easiest for him if someone else did it, but Mike was his best friend. “Don’t
you think I should do that?”

No one argued. Instead, they cleared the room. Yeah, it’d be
hard, but there are some hard things in life you just don’t skip.

Maybe if he took Mike’s things to Cassie, she would spend
five minutes with him. He stared at the locker and pictured some other groups
of people in a mess like this. They’d be helping each other through it, right?
They wouldn’t stonewall each other.

He opened Mike’s locker, and for a minute, he couldn’t move
while looking at all the snapshots of Cassie and Mike. Most showed them tangled
up in each other’s arms, grinning at the camera.

Cassie seemed to think
he had stolen their future. Hell, h
e
hadn’t made Mike love firefighting. He hadn’t forced Mike into staying on. And
he wasn’t even at the fire to try to save Mike.

Jason didn’t get it, so he packed Mike’s things into a box
and headed back out the door to take it to her house.

He dreaded Cassie’s response, but an insane part of him
wanted to see Savanna again. Yesterday’s embrace hung on him like he could
still feel her. He drove slowly, walked even slower up the sidewalk and steps, and
stood on the porch a long minute before ringing the doorbell.

Savanna answered. His lucky day. “Jason . . .”

“Hey there.” He suddenly felt so hopeful that he wanted to
laugh at himself. Just seeing those caring eyes made him feel better.

“Oh.” She saw the box and pushed the screen open for him.
Apparently he didn’t need to explain, and she didn’t speak as he carried the
box to the kitchen table and set it down. His arm brushed hers as he walked by.
He probably did it on purpose but didn’t think about it.

Aubrey’s babbles floated in from the living room as they
stood motionless, their eyes on the box. She looked lost in thought.

“You look sad.” Maybe that wasn’t the way to start the
conversation, but nothing else came to mind. He couldn’t tell her that she
looked stunning with her sunshine hair falling over her shoulders. That he’d
like to hold her and feel all those curves against him. Kiss her this time.

“It’s hard to be happy around here.” She shrugged, a slight
movement, and crossed her arms loosely. The movement looked more casual and unthinking
than a show of defense. Though she looked good in a tank top and khaki shorts,
she also looked worn down, with smudges under her eyes. She’d tried to cover them
with makeup, but that didn’t cover her frown.

Was she shy? He hadn’t noticed that before, and it made him
want to hold and protect her.

“Taking all this hard?”

His question made her look at him. “Cassie is. I’m not sure
what to do.”

“I don’t know either,” he admitted. “But I wish she’d let me
try.”

“I feel the same. I think it’s going to take a long time.”
She nodded toward the living room. “Want to sit down? She’s at Tammy’s.”

Well, he’d gotten her talking. He sat in the chair across
from the couch Savanna sat on, and Aubrey looked up and grinned. She had chubby
cheeks, but he could see Savanna’s dimples. Such a beautiful little girl, just
like her mother.

He wanted to know why Savanna looked so hurt, why Aubrey’s
father wasn’t here taking care of them, but how on earth was he going to ask
her? Every time he saw her, he worried it’d be the last time. She could go back
to Texas or move away someplace else. “Are you planning to stay with Cassie a
while longer?”

“For a while, yes, but I guess I’ll need my own place
sometime.”

So she really was staying. An idea sprang to mind. One of
his rentals had opened up recently, and he wouldn’t mind letting her use it,
rent free. It didn’t seem the right time to bring it up, though. “You grew up
here, didn’t you?”

“My mom and I moved here when I was in the third grade.” She
leaned back into the couch. “People thought Cassie and I were sisters since we
had the same last name. We got in a big fight on the school bus the first time
we met.”

“Cassie fighting?”

“Yeah. I think I called her lunch box ugly or something.” A
smile played on Savanna’s lips. “Then we were best friends just a few days
later.” When she talked about Cassie, her eyes lit up in a way he hadn’t seen
before. Aubrey bounced up to him and patted his leg.