License to Love (62 page)

Jason’s jeep was gone, though she wasn’t sure if she would
have stopped had it been there. When she brought her gaze back to the road, she
found out where his jeep was. It was almost beside her, coming from the
opposite direction so that she had to drive by him.

“Caught,” Savanna said under her breath. She’d slowed down
already, and there weren’t any other vehicles on the street. Idling, she
waited. He pulled up beside her.

“Hi. I thought I’d swing by and see how you’re doing.”

Exhaling a long breath, he searched her face and didn’t
answer right away. She loved the rich brown color of his eyes, but she didn’t
like the lost look in them. He looked even more tired than before, his eyes
more bloodshot.

“Jason, are you okay?”

“Ah, I guess. Just trying to keep busy.”

She couldn’t leave him that way, just couldn’t. While she
tried to form the words, he shook his head.

“Don’t worry about me. I’m stopping by home to pick up some
stuff, and then heading over to Trevor’s.”

A friend. A good one, she hoped, that would see Jason needed
someone to talk to. He needed something.

“Okay.” She watched as he let his gaze drift over her face
and hair. The visual caress had her tingling. He looked like he could sit there
awhile, taking her in slowly.

A car came up behind Jason, so they waved goodbye. She felt
heat in her face, wondering what had just happened. He pulled into his driveway,
while she sped up and headed to her mother’s house. She no longer cared if he
wanted her help or not. She had to give it.

She put the window down, welcoming summer into the car, with
a dreamy thought of the breeze through the jeep.

Driving up, Savanna could see her mom’s house hadn’t changed
at all. Vine roses with tiny blooms climbed the old fence around the small
yard, creating a private and quaint space inside where her mom tended her rose
garden. Margaret Thompson was known for her roses.

The house, painted a creamy white with honey-colored trim,
had a Victorian look to it. Her mom’s front porch was small and held two wicker
chairs and a little table with dried flowers. While Savanna had lived in the
small home, Margaret had mostly used her back porch, which was larger and
overlooked a yard with several flowerbeds.

Her mom rushed from the house to meet them, but Savanna still
needed a minute to wipe her misty eyes.

“Hey, hey, little girl!” Margaret already had Aubrey’s door
open and undid her car seat buckle. “How’s my grandbaby?”

Her mom went on and on, and Savanna ate it up along with her
smiling girl. This is what she’d been longing for. It just felt so good to
spend time with her mom again.

Margaret wore her graying blond hair swept up in a classical
bun with a few loose wisps that danced around her face. She had a long, elegant
face and a long, lean body that Savanna hadn’t inherited. Savanna had grown all
curvy when she hit thirteen. All wrong for ballet, which was the reason it
bothered her.

Her mother glanced over the car at her when they both stood
up. “Oh, dear. You look like you need to sit down for a good talk.” Something
about her mom’s expression looked like she wanted to talk too.

They went inside the air-conditioned house and drank iced
lemonade. Margaret played with Aubrey, gushing about how happy she was to have
them back and showing her all the toys she’d bought for her to play with.
Aubrey got busy with all the buttons.

“Are things that rough?” Margaret sat beside her on the
floral sofa that faced the front window. “How’s Cassie holding up?”

Maybe that’s what Margaret had wanted to discuss. “She’s
hurting, she’s mad, and sometimes she seems to want distance from Aubrey. It’s
subtle, but when it pops up, I don’t know what to think or do.” Savanna scooted
back into the sofa, needing to feel something behind her.

“Well, she’s mourning more than just Mike. She probably
needs room to mourn the children they won’t have together. Dreams can be
powerful, you know.” She paused, staring off into the distance. “Poor girl. He
was so young.”

Wasn’t that what people always said? The words had been a
cliché till now. It was true, though. Cassie had lost everything. Savanna saw
her mother’s gaze on her, waiting with understanding.

“They have this perfect little house and all these plans.”

“If it’s that hard for Cassie to have Aubrey around…why
don’t you stay here?”

“And leave Cassie alone?” Savanna replied. Even with the
tension about Aubrey, Cassie acted as if she appreciated Savanna’s help. “I
don’t think I can, not this soon anyway.”

“Have you let yourself deal with it as well? We’ve hardly
talked since you arrived.”

Savanna shrugged, clasped her hands in her lap, and
unwittingly put her empty ring finger in sight. She stared down at her hand for
too long, until her mom put an arm around her.

“Tell me what else is going on . . . with Eric. His mother
has called several times in the last six months looking for you. I thought that
was extremely odd. Did you and Eric have a falling out with her?”

“Georgia called here?” That didn’t make sense. Why wouldn’t
she just call Eric? Then again, they’d had a tense relationship, and Eric thought
his mother was overbearing and pushy. Savanna had barely known her
mother-in-law, so she hadn’t thought of calling her before leaving Texas.

Now Savanna knew what had been on her mother’s mind. It
hadn’t been just Cassie after all.

“Savanna,
why
did she call me?”

“Mom,” she said, planning to continue but not sure where to
take it. Savanna glanced up, feeling a bit helpless. It was one of those
moments when you need your mom to just understand because you can’t really
explain.

“I didn’t say anything to her,” Margaret assured her. “You
kept saying things were fine . . .”

Now that was begging for some answers. Savanna swallowed and
suddenly the practiced explanation wasn’t enough, but she had to tell her mom
something. “I’m staying in Eugene.”

Silence followed, but Margaret kept her arm around her.
Finally, Savanna had to look up and see her mom’s expression. She saw pain.
“Mom?”

She had hidden this awful news all year, afraid it would
hurt the people she loved, and yet, deep down, she had always known she was
simply ashamed. She didn’t want to face the music. Now, however, her mom looked
more disappointed than Savanna had ever seen her. “Mom?” she asked again.

“I had high hopes for him . . .”

For him? Her mom was disappointed in Eric?

“He’s been unfaithful?” Margaret spoke so gently, the words
didn’t sound hurtful.

Savanna looked back at her hands and nodded without moving. “How
did you know? Because of Dad?”

“Well, yes, I’ve been through that kind of pain, and you
just look beat down. You tried to sound so cheerful on the phone, but Eric was
always out late and never home. Something’s been off for quite a while, hasn’t
it?”

Savanna nodded. “I’ve had my own place since Aubrey was
born. I just didn’t want to face it, let alone admit to you and Cassie what had
happened.”

“So you’ve made up your mind to stay?” Margaret tilted her
head closer as if Savanna hadn’t been listening. Maybe she had gotten lost in
the past. “You aren’t planning to work on things with him?”

She was so far past that.

“No, he didn’t like married life and thought it was a big
mistake. So I worked on it . . . while we were married. I stayed in Texas a
while, but he never wanted to try.”

“What about Aubrey?”

Savanna gulped in a breath and then managed a long, deep
one. “He’s never even held her. He said he didn’t want kids, but I didn’t think
he meant it that much. I got him to come to the hospital, but he just looked at
her and left. We’re divorced already, Mom.”

“Oh, dear Lord!” Margaret wrapped both arms around her, but
she didn’t lecture Savanna about not telling her sooner. That, more than
anything else, brought on the tears. Savanna cried over her situation, let it
all out like she had as a little girl in her mom’s arms. This hurt was bigger
than any she’d ever faced, and it would follow her a long time. Her own father had
left them for another woman, and she knew her mom understood that humiliating
kind of pain, the agony of not being wanted.

“I haven’t told Cassie all of this.” Savanna hiccupped. “And
what will I tell Aubrey when she’s older? How can I tell her Eric wouldn’t have
anything to do with her? She’ll think the divorce was her fault, just for being
born.”

“Savanna, listen to me, dear.” Margaret reached over and
turned Savanna’s face, so they were looking at each other. “She’ll know family
here, and love, and we’ll all want her. Don’t worry about ten years down the
road yet. Let’s worry about today.”

Savanna woke up a little after six in the morning. Once she
got her eyes opened, she felt more refreshed from her sleep than she had in a
long time. Aubrey clapped and squealed at her, wanting out of the playpen.

“Okay, Bobby Boo.” She sat up slowly. “We’ll take you to a
park today and run around, promise.”

“Mama!”

She pulled Aubrey up into her arms and crept out into the
living room. “How about some coffee?” she whispered to Aubrey.

“Sounds good.” Cassie’s voice startled her so much she nearly
dropped her toddler.

“You’re up,” Savanna said, almost unsure of where to direct
her voice.

“Couldn’t sleep.” The voice came from the living room.

“I’m sorry. You needed some sleep.” She leaned to look over
the back of the couch on her way to the kitchen. Cassie lay on her back, gazing
at the ceiling as if she were looking up into the sky, cloud watching. She was
in one of Mike’s shirts, again.  

Aubrey slid to the floor and squatted to inspect something.
Savanna went to the counter where the coffeemaker sat and started a pot, and
then she cut up some fruit. She always liked the softness of early morning with
the smell of coffee brewing.

“Breakfast?” she called from the kitchen. She got a muttered
“uh-uh” from Cassie.

“Just coffee.”

She fixed two cups and took one to Cassie, sitting in a
recliner close by. They both wrapped their hands around their mugs like it was
a cool morning.

Savanna wished she could make things better for her. “I
don’t know how to help you.”

Cassie finally moved and looked at Savanna. “You’ve been
great.”

“I’m trying.” She looked over at Aubrey, who sat at the
table and played with the fruit while munching on it. “Do you want us here?”

“Yes.” Cassie sat up now. “Don’t you want to stay?”

“Not if it’s hard on you.”

Cassie shook her head and then gazed out the window to the
clear day. “I was trying to plan, it’s just . . .”

Savanna gave her a minute, but Cassie never finished the
thought. It didn’t look like Cassie could talk about her reaction to Aubrey.
“You don’t need to think ahead right now. Everything’s taken care of.”

Cassie shook her head again, her gaze focused down on her
cup.

“Please don’t worry,” Savanna said because she couldn’t
think of the right thing to say. “You don’t need to do anything right now.”
Good grief, she sounded like a skipping CD. Wasn’t there anything else she
could say?

Cassie sank back into the couch and pulled up her knees. “We
. . . had everything planned out before. Now I don’t know what I’m doing, and I
need to.”

Savanna thought of the life she’d once envisioned with Eric.
She’d had that feeling, too, of needing to make plans again. Right now, though,
she needed to be here for her friend.

She saw Cassie sip her coffee and watch her.

“I’m glad you’re staying,” Cassie started, “But I’m sorry
about your marriage.”

“Thanks.” That didn’t sound like the right thing to say, but
she didn’t have a lot of expertise in the area. She’d avoided telling anyone
about the divorce for a year. “You shouldn’t be apologizing for my mess.”

Cassie’s confusion showed as she scrunched her brows. “I
don’t get it. Why didn’t you tell me things were that bad?”

Wasn’t she here to help Cassie, not the other way around? Savanna
looked around and shrugged and still couldn’t come up with a good answer. “I
didn’t want to ruin things.”

“Savanna! Sounds like things are ruined anyway.”

“I meant for you. You sounded so happy.” Savanna winced at
her own words. Cassie’s eyes teared up, but she held it together.

“We’re best friends, Savanna,” Cassie said, and she looked
so wounded that Savanna had to look down. “We’ve always shared everything. Stop
staring at your coffee and look at me!”

“I know, I know.” Savanna took a deep breath. “But I don’t
want to dump stuff on you right now; it’d make me feel worse.”

Cassie choked on a laugh. “That’s how I feel with everyone
fussing over me.”

“They’re not fussing. We love you. Everyone just wants to
help out, to take care of you. It’s what friends do.” She knew Jason just
wanted to help as well, and he’d feel better if Cassie would let him. She
almost brought it up, but no, Cassie needed more time.

“Is that what you dream about?” Cassie asked carefully. “You
make noise in your sleep, like you’re having a nightmare. I’ve started to wake
you up, but then you get quiet.”

Nightmares? She had dreamed strange things since she
returned to Eugene, but she didn’t know how bad it’d gotten. “I still have
dreams about the fire.”

“Savanna . . .”

She’d been so careful not to bring it up. How could she
forget that Cassie had lost her husband the same way she could have died? She’d
always felt so thankful that she made it out of that fire alive, but recently
she felt guilty about it too. Why had she lived through that, but not Mike? And
why did a happily married couple like Mike and Cassie end like this?

“You haven’t talked about it since then.” Cassie looked down
into her cup and added, “
We
haven’t talked about it, anyway.”