License to Love (61 page)

He’d seen that face every day in his mind the last two
years. The memory always started with her staring up at him in complete wonder
and gratitude, soot all over her soft skin.

She’d been so close. He knew the instant he saw her
yesterday. He’d been a fool about it, being friendly and then cold. Savanna
must think he’d lost it because Mike died. Why didn’t he just acknowledge her “thank
you” instead of running off like he did?

Across the room, Savanna still watched him as if she
couldn’t look away. She didn’t know him, but at least she saw him. He needed to
get through to Cassie, but how could he ignore the need to know Savanna? And
why
did he need to know her? He felt like he was playing with fire but couldn’t
help himself.

No one else went up front to speak. Jason pushed himself up
and then pulled one heavy foot after the other until he climbed the steps and
stood at the pulpit. He turned to face everyone. He had no idea what he would
say.

He saw blank faces, crying people, and then Cassie’s cold,
brown eyes narrowed at him. Savanna glanced at her friend and then up to him.

“Mike wasn’t just a good guy and friend, he was my best
friend.” Jason planted his hands on the pulpit, gripping it to control his
emotions. “Firefighting takes tremendous teamwork, and he gave that. He saved
my life over and over. He backed up all of us.”

Choked up, Jason couldn’t speak. He didn’t want to say Mike
gave his life doing that, even if that were true. He just didn’t like to admit
that not only was Mike gone, but he had died in the line of duty after Jason
convinced him to stay with the department.

“We’ll all miss you, Mike.” The words rushed out just before
he fled back to his seat to bury his face in his hands. He hated talking about
Mike in the past tense.

With so many people in the church, it took half an hour to
get out. Jason sat in his jeep until everyone joined the procession. Cassie
wouldn’t want him anywhere near her car. He arrived last at the cemetery, and
joined the silent crowd.

Kevin said a few words once everyone had gathered around.
Silence. The breeze barely blew. When the casket was lowered, Jason closed his
eyes, not wanting to watch. He didn’t see who stood by him, only felt several
people pat his back as they left.

Moments later, he felt someone staring at him and looked up.
Across the grave, Cassie watched him. Savanna’s eyes were down as she stood by
her friend. She whispered in Cassie’s ear and started off toward the parked cars,
leaving Cassie beside her husband’s grave.

He shouldn’t be here either, so he turned and left. Ahead of
him, Savanna walked in a black pantsuit that made her waist look even smaller,
the rest of her even curvier.

“Savanna.” He said her name, and she stopped to wait until
he reached her. “I’m sorry about yesterday. It’s hard thinking about
firefighting right now.” He reached out and stroked the back of his hand down
her arm. Even through her sleeve, he needed that touch.

The sad smile she gave him proved she’d noticed his reaction
when she’d thanked him. Now she tried to shrug like it wasn’t a big deal. She
wasn’t the lightning bolt Cassie was, but a pleaser, he realized. He liked
Cassie’s “all in” attitude toward life, but here he saw a different depth. Savanna
had a compassion that was heartfelt and eyes that caught every detail. They
shone in the midday sunlight, searching him. Not knowing what else to say, but
not wanting to leave, he glanced around and saw Cassie hasten toward them.

“I can’t stay here,” Cassie said as she neared them. She
looked like another person, not Mike’s bright, vibrant wife who laughed all the
time.

Savanna took a step toward Cassie and took her by the arm.
“We can go home,” she spoke gently.

“No.” Cassie sighed. “People are waiting there. I just want
to be alone.”

Jason stepped closer. “I have to tell you how sorry I am.
Cass, we can’t go on like this.”

She shook her head. “Sorry that you talked Mike into keeping
a job that killed him? If you’re looking for forgiveness, you won’t find it
here.”

The darts pierced his heart as intended. Even though he was
looking right at Cassie’s accusing eyes, he saw Savanna’s mouth open.

“He loved his job, Cass.” This was barely loud enough for
them to hear. He’d repeated the weak excuse in his mind many, many times, but
it left him angry too.

“More than life? More than his marriage? More than our
future? I can’t look at you. Not with Mike
here
.” She turned and started
off.

She could have screamed at him. As it was, the way she spoke
through her tears made it worse. He knew how bad she was hurting, and he even
understood that she couldn’t figure out any other way to handle it.

“I never thought it’d turn out this way,” he called, but
Cassie kept walking. Savanna gave him a helpless shrug, with tears in her eyes,
and followed her friend.

When Cassie reached her vehicle, she exploded with a string of
words Jason had never heard her say before, followed with, “The tire’s flat!”

From behind them, he said, “I’ll change it, don’t worry.”

Cassie sighed and popped her trunk so he could get to the
spare. She pretended he wasn’t there and walked off. Without bothering to
remove his suit jacket, Jason put the jack under the car and pumped the handle,
while Cassie and Savanna leaned against a wood fence that surrounded the
cemetery.

“Would you like any help?” Savanna offered, making him
realize they hadn’t gone that far.

“Don’t need it, but thanks.” He could feel the glare on
Cassie’s face without looking back at her. It occurred to him that he didn’t
have to push this thing. There wasn’t anything stopping him from walking away
and letting Cassie hate him forever. Well, there was the memory of Mike and all
of them laughing together and talking about life. He knew Mike would want him
watching out for Cass.
I won’t let you down, Mike, at least not with this.

Savanna’s voice broke the silence. “You’re so brave, Cassie.
I don’t think I could go through this.”

“Don’t you think bravery implies a choice?” Cassie paused. “I
can’t feel anything but anger.”

Though Cassie hadn’t purposely directed her comment at him,
Jason felt it prick him in the back. He almost wanted to tell her she didn’t
have an exclusive right to feel angry. Everyone lost Mike. He’d carry this
guilt the rest of his life, but he alone didn’t convince Mike to stay with the
department. Mike had loved being a firefighter.  

They were quiet behind him, but everyone’s mood made the air
heavy with unspoken messages.

What would he do about Savanna? She had a husband waiting
for her, he had to remember that. He couldn’t infer meaning into that missing
wedding ring. Maybe she lost it; maybe they had a fight.

Then Cassie said to Savanna, “I didn’t even think to ask how
long you can stay.”

Jason put the new tire on and tightened it, while mentally
kicking himself for listening.

“I’m not going back, Cass.” The world went still as if her
words had commanded it. He accidentally stilled before kick-starting his
movements. “I didn’t want to explain right away, not with all this going on.”

His hand stopped again on the jack as he lowered the car
back down. Cassie must have been shocked as well, because it took a full minute
for her to react.

“Savanna, what happened?”

Apparently Cassie was too curious to wait for privacy.

“A lot.” Savanna sounded near sobs. A minute later, she
continued in a somber, but controlled, tone. “Can I stay with you while I get
on my feet? I came back here without a plan.”

He had quickly knocked out the job, throwing himself into
twisting the bolts off and then back onto the new wheel, but now he took his
time because Cassie and Savanna cried in each other’s arms. He shouldn’t
listen, but hell, he needed something to think about besides Mike.

He put the jack away and shut the trunk, knowing he couldn’t
stall any longer. “It’s all ready.” Cassie and Savanna pretended he didn’t just
overhear their conversation, and he let them get away with it.

Somehow he’d find out why Savanna left her husband, a doctor
he’d been told, and the father to her small child.

She seemed so eager to help others. If she did leave him,
and not the other way around, there must be a pretty big and ugly reason for
it.

Cassie got in and yanked the passenger door shut behind her.
On the driver’s side, Savanna paused inside the open car door. Just her look
made his heart thump, like he was about to head into a fire.

She mouthed, “Thank you,” maybe so Cassie wouldn’t hear, or
maybe because she’d gotten too emotional to speak. Jason nodded and got in his jeep.
They drove off in different directions, and he felt hollow again, even more so.
He had no idea how he’d make it to nightfall. He couldn’t think about his best
friend or how the day moved toward closing like any other normal day.

Many of his friends—Cassie’s friends—were gathered at her
house. Savanna was there, but he couldn’t be.

Three

Sitting in Cassie’s nursery that night, Savanna rocked with
Aubrey snuggled against her, trying to ignore the feeling that she sat in a
rocker for a baby that would never come. Cassie had the house, the nursery, but
no husband or baby on the way.

For a short while, Savanna had the nice house and the
husband, but all that changed when she told Eric she was pregnant. Eric had
worked all the time, and she had to accept that because he was a doctor. Still,
she’d felt let down by married life. Then, when she discovered that a small
life was growing inside her, it gave her new meaning and new excitement about
their marriage. She had spent several days figuring out the perfect way to tell
him. Eric had promised to be home for a special candle-lit dinner. Only he
never showed. Later, at eleven, he called to say he’d gone out with his friends
instead.

He came home too late to talk that night and left early the
next morning for work, but he stopped by the house that afternoon. Savanna
couldn’t contain her excitement and met him at the door, throwing her arms
around him and exclaiming the news.

“We’re pregnant!”

“What? You’re pregnant?”

That separation between
we
and
us
was the
breaking point in their marriage. It took her a while to figure that out, but
that was the second Eric looked at her and realized this wasn’t what he wanted
at all. She had been a huge mistake.

So she was here now, back in Eugene, and that meant the
chance to start over. She felt guilty over that, despite her excitement. It
seemed wrong to think about possibilities for her when life had taken such a
mean twist for Cassie, and Jason too. Today had been one of the longest days of
her life. She could see how much Cassie hurt, but she couldn’t help her. Jason
needed someone, too. She’d come back to Eugene to comfort Cassie, to fix their
friendship, and now that mission included Jason.

A movement caught her eye. Cassie leaned in the doorway.
“Still up?”

Savanna whispered her reply so Aubrey wouldn’t wake up.

“Thanks for . . . understanding about Jason,” Cassie
started. “I just can’t even think about him right now.”

“Yeah, about . . .”

“Goodnight,” Cassie said, leaving. Savanna wanted to run
after her, but she couldn’t with a sleeping little girl on her lap. What would
she say anyway? She knew better than to argue with Cassie’s emotions. She
rubbed tension from her forehead, hoping she’d find the guts to bring Jason up
later. 

She laid Aubrey down in the playpen set up as a bed and
stretched out on the air mattress next to her. Savanna had seen many people
today she hadn’t seen since moving to Texas. It had been nice to see old
friends and chat with her mom in person instead of over the phone. She would have
more time to talk to her mom, but she had yet to tell her the truth.

Jason’s face jumped to mind, like a dream. He saw him in
that intense firefighter mood, his eyes scanning her for injury. Then she
remembered his face from the funeral, lost in his grief. She rolled onto her
back on the air mattress and threw an arm over her eyes. Still, his face
wouldn’t go away.

Time ground forward the next day. Savanna felt like they
were pushing it forward, and maybe everything would stop if they didn’t try to go
on. She kept Aubrey occupied with toys and books, while people stopped by
throughout the morning. The day soon became a blur of people, and Cassie seemed
hit the worst by it.

“I need quiet,” Cassie said as she rubbed her face. “I can’t
take this anymore.”

“I’ll get everyone out of here.” Savanna rubbed her own neck,
exhausted from the emotional strain.

“You can take a break too, Savanna. Go see your mom.”

They leaned on each other for a few minutes, with Savanna
asking, “Are you sure?” and Cassie saying several times, “Yes, go!” Maybe
Cassie needed a break from her . . . or Aubrey.

Forty minutes later, Savanna left in Cassie’s car. When she had
caught up with some of her old friends at the funeral, she’d asked where Jason
lived. She vaguely remembered the building and took a roundabout way to her
mom’s so she could drive past his home. It felt odd to drive through her old
hometown, although it hadn’t been that long ago if you measured in time. It was
when you measured in life that it felt so far past.

Turning down his street, she drove under old pine trees
stretching up toward the sky. With branches feathering like outstretched
fingers, the trees made the street shadowy and forest-like. The houses
resembled cottages with green yards full of little statues.

She came upon the townhouses, a row of three connected homes
that filled the open space between two clusters of trees. Their green paint
matched the forest around them. The yards in front were well-kept, and the
building looked fairly new.