Letting go of Grace (32 page)

“Hannah, I don’t want to bother you, but I know it would mean a lot to her and it would mean a lot to all of us if you came to the funeral. It will be held in two days.”

I stay quiet for a moment. “I don’t think Aiden want me there.”

“Of course he does. We all want you there. We see you as family, you know that.”

“My mom changed her will a while back and she named you as co-founder of Mending Hearts.”

“I don’t think I could take over something like that, Shane. I am sure we can find someone else more qualified to run the foundation.”

“Hannah, you are qualified. She really wanted you to have it.”

“I’ll think about it,” I reply in a small whisper.

“Hannah, I hope you come to the funeral.”

“Will you do me a favor?” I ask, avoiding his question.

“Sure, anything.”

“Will you give a letter to Aiden for me? I know he’s not up for company right now, but there is a few things I need him to know.”

“Of course. I’ll have a messenger pick it up this afternoon.”

Thank, Shane.”

“See you soon, Hannah,” he states before he hangs up.

If Aiden contacts me after my confession letter, I will be at the funeral. I just don’t want to further upset him by attending if he doesn’t want me there.

We got in so late last night that I know the kids will sleep in s I hop out of the patio chair and head inside to the office. I take out a piece of paper.

With a deep, painful breath and shaky fingers, I put my pen to the paper. I know I have to be truthful with him. I know I have to tell him it’s always been him, but how do I do that? How can I make him understand that he has always been in first place, when he thinks he has always come in second? The image of his sad face when he told me just that becomes a blur through the tears in my eyes. Warm tears fall down my cheeks as I attempt to swallow past the lump in my throat. With my heart skipping a million beats a minute, I let my words flow freely for the first time.

Tears continue to rush down my cheeks because I know I am finally going to open up to him. My hand begins to tremble as I begin again.

I catch a tear before it hits the paper. I feel a tremendous weight lift from my heart. I finally admitted it. I finally released everything that I have been holding inside for far too long. I love Aiden.

I’M ON THE VERGE OF
another panic attack as I drive to the Cape. Aiden never called me after I sent him the letter. Yet here I am driving to the funeral. Traffic is light at this hour in the morning and I just listen to the radio and try to relax. I want to pay my respects so I plan to go unnoticed and sit in the back.

I make perfect timing and arrive at the church as hundreds of people arrive as well. I take a fast glance around, and find Shane and John standing beside the hearse. John is still recovering. Last I heard he wasn’t released that long ago. I try to blend into the crowd as much as possible but Annie finds me. It is as if she was looking for me. She probably was.

“Hannah, I have a huge favor to ask you.” She skips the pleasantries altogether.

“OK.” I look over her pregnant state and wonder how she is handling everything.

“Aiden is a no show. No one can reach him. Can you go to his house and get him here?”

“I had Shane deliver a letter to him two days ago and he never got back to me. I can’t Annie.” I take a step back from her.

“Hannah, I need you to help us. Shane and John are a mess, Grant is getting escorted here, and I can’t leave. I need your help,” she pleads with me.

“Annie, I’m sorry,” I reply as I look away from her because I can’t stand her somber expression.

“Hannah.” We both turn and find Aiden standing behind us.

“I was worried sick about you,” Annie whispers to him. I look him over as he leans forward to talk into Annie’s ear. He looks like he is strung out. When his eyes meet mine, it just about confirms it. We both watch as Annie walks away.

“Aiden, are you using again?” I ask.

“No, but thanks for the vote of confidence,” he replies dryly. I watch as he slips his hands into his pockets and puts on his mask.

“Are you OK?” I question.

“You of all people should know I am not OK,” he says, looking me right in the eyes. Then he walks away from me. It hurts to see him this way. It breaks my heart more with each step he takes further away. I stand there lost for a few minutes.

When I finally pull it together I follow the crowds in. My arm gets pulled to the side and when I look over I see Addy. Her arms wrap around me and I hold her just as tight.

“I am so sorry, Addy,” I whisper into her ear.

“You come and sit with me,” she says pulling me along.

“Sure Addy,” I tell her as I pat her hand with mine. It’s then I see Grant walk in with Carla hanging off of his arm.

He appears aged and starved. He looks like he has met his maker and just barely made it back. I don’t know who that man is. He isn’t the same man I was with a week ago. They are two different men, from two different worlds. Addy and I find seats in the back corner of the church. When the bagpipes start we all stand. It’s sad watching her four sons carry her down the center aisle. When her casket is finally settled down, I see Shane and John playing buffer between Grant and Aiden. Grant starts to step closer to Aiden and Shane stops him. They have a few hushed words and Aiden starts to walk back down the aisle. Annie stands and looks around. I know she is looking for me. What I do next is out of instinct, not thought. I stand and meet Aiden at the doors and take his hand.

“You will regret this, this is your closure,” I explain. I turn and walk us both back up that aisle. Addy has gotten out of her seat and is sitting with the guys. She should be there. She is their second mother. I don’t look over at Grant or Carla, I just face straight ahead and settle next to Addy. With one hand still in Aiden’s, Addy’s hand finds my other hand. I sit between the two of them and remain quiet. I don’t look over at Aiden, I can’t chance it. His thumb gently strokes hand, and when the first person gets up to speak about Victoria he gives my hand a little squeeze.

As the mass progresses, I can feel the anger brewing off of Grant. Aiden is fuming. The hatred is getting thicker by the minute. When the last prayer is said the Grace men rise to carry their mother for the last time. Shane and John and stand block Grant from Aiden again. Aiden gives my hand a small squeeze then he brings it to his lips.

“Thank you Hannah,” he whispers. When he releases my hand, I immediately bring to his face to stroke his cheek. Our eyes search each other’s for a brief moment. I give him a small smile and pull my hand away from him. The first tear falls from my eyes at this moment and I realize I’m not crying for Victoria, I am crying for Aiden.

They make it out of the church without causing a scene. The burial is private so I make my way to my SUV. I came, I saw Aiden was safe, so I know I can go home with less of a guilty conscience. I feel peace settle for a split second till I see Carla leaning against my SUV. Out of all the SUVs to lean against, she chooses mine, but then I remember this is Carla and I am sure she found out which one is mine. I don’t need to do this. I turn and start walking back to the church. She can sit and wait all she wants.

“Hannah?” I hear my name being called, and my chest caves. I turn to see Autumn. Beautiful Autumn, scared with burns. She still looks beautiful.

“Hey,” I say walking towards her. “How are you holding up?” I ask.

“It’s been hard, it’s hard on all of us. Are you going to come to the burial?” I just shake my head no at her.

“Hannah, you are the closest thing to a daughter she had.”

“The heart and soul bond with people before our brains can interpret it. You and Victoria had a bond that Annie and I will forever be jealous of.” She speaks with kindness.

“It wouldn’t be right after everything that happened.”

“Then make it right,” she says as if it were the easiest thing to do. Love is just not that easy. Love hurts you, it blinds you. It changes you, and I have been changed too much. Aiden confirmed that when he didn’t reply to my letter. I fully understand now that I must let of Grace.

“There is no making this right. There is nothing more I can do.”

“Hannah,” she says softly, but I just shake my head at her.

“Your thoughts are from a good place, but we won’t overcome this and I have made peace with that,” I admit to her.

“Please, stay for Aiden,” she pleads.

“Aiden doesn’t need me.”

“Yes he does, Hannah, he needs you more than you will ever know. He needs you more than he would ever admit. He would die before he asked you for help. He has too much pride, but he has so much love for you Hannah. We all saw it. We all saw how everything played out. You can pretend you were with Grant all of this time, Hannah, but your heart has always been with Aiden. From that first game night, you two had this glow together. Everyone saw it and commented on it. Then at the gala, he was on stage and he was making sure you were taken care of with his handkerchief. You hadn’t even shed a tear yet and knew you would need it. He has always thought about you, Hannah, even when you weren’t thinking about him. He loves you” Her words crush me. They make tears come to my eyes. Aiden has always been there, waiting, even when he said he wasn’t.

“Sometimes love isn’t enough,” I say. I bite my lip as it quivers to hold the tears back.

“Love is always enough, Hannah,” With that she turns away from me. I stare straight ahead at the altar. It’s then I feel Aiden behind me.