Leaving Eva (The Eva Series Book 1) (21 page)

ADAM STEPPED
TOWARD HER
and before he could think, she was in his arms. He couldn’t believe how light she was. She felt like nothing as he picked her up and held her as tightly to him as he could, his nose enveloped in her soft dark hair.

He wasn’t sure what to expect, but he didn’t quite expect this. “Adam,” she moaned like a wounded animal. He could feel her pain radiating through him, and he felt the tears spring into his eyes. He missed her, too.

What if this wasn’t real? What if he set her down, and she turned on him like rabid dog?

He anticipated it and expected it. She couldn’t forgive him that easily after what he had done to her.

“Adam, Mom is dying.” Brynn cried in his ear. “And I left her alone. I was so selfish, and I left her alone.” He could hear the heartache and the shame in her voice.

“I know she’s dying. But it’s not your fault, honey. It’s nobody’s fault. You didn’t leave her. You’ve always been there for her.” Adam was in hell. He couldn’t bear the pain in her voice. It had been his selfish fear that caused her this pain, and he didn’t know if he would ever forgive himself.

“I’m just like my birth mother, the one who left me. I’m just like her.” Brynn was desolate.

Adam held her close breathing her in. He had been afraid that he would never be this close to her again. He felt the weight of the world lifting off his shoulders little by little, the longer he held onto her. He grabbed her hand and pushed her away from him, looking her over from top to bottom. Brynn knew that he was looking to see if she looked different to him, if she had any scars that were obvious.

“I’ll never leave you again,” He said crushing her to him. “I’m so sorry for what I have done.” He pulled away from her, his dark blue eyes searching her brown ones. He looked to see if she saw the truth in his eyes.

“What about…?” Brynn looked away from him.

“There’s no Annie. There never was. We were friends. That’s it. I was so stupid to bring her to the memorial, but I thought I would get to explain it to you, and I just never realized how stupid it looked. I promise on my life that she was nothing, never anything to me.” Adam rambled trying to explain it all as quickly as he could in case she got up and walked away. He was desperate to tell her the truth.

“Did you sleep with her?” Brynn paused.

She didn’t want the answer, but she needed it. She needed to hear it in case the answer was yes. She needed the reason to walk away. She couldn’t accept his comfort if he had slept with her.

“No! I swear.” Adam knew she would ask him if he kissed her and he dreaded answering.

“Did you kiss her or… touch her?” Brynn was standing in front of him now, her eyes still wet with tears. She was staring up at him, still braced for the worst.

There was a long pause. Brynn took a step away from him. Adam reached his hand out and snagged her wrist.

“I kissed her. Once! I swear to God it was only one time, and I was drunk. But it was nothing more than that, ever.” Adam tried to stop rambling. He didn’t want to seem like he was lying.

She studied him, and he looked at her evenly.

The air between them was thick. He didn’t know if kissing Annie was a deal breaker. He knew that sleeping with her was. He knew that Brynn would never speak to him again. But one kiss? He didn’t know, but Adam knew that he needed to tell the truth. There had never been lies between them, and he didn’t want to begin now.

Brynn was quiet. She didn’t know how she felt about it. She didn’t want details, or timeframes, or back-story. She knew what she needed to know.

One kiss.

He was clearly distraught over it. She thought it best to let it go, to sit on it, and see where they were going. They had been through so much that one kiss seemed almost insignificant. She knew that once she thought about it, it would be more difficult to swallow. But right now, she couldn’t. Nothing else seemed to matter to her now but Rose.

“Mom has Alzheimer’s. Apparently, she’s had it for a long time. She was diagnosed a while ago, but she never said anything,” she said breaking her stare.

He was surprised. He didn’t expect her to veer away from the topic at hand. He expected resolution, but not this. Not subterfuge.
What is she doing?
He was nervous. Brynn didn’t let anything go. She always saw it through until the end.

“I heard that,” he said nervously. “What is the doctor saying will happen to her? How long does she have?”

“She has nothing left. She’s out of time,” Brynn said sadly, as she looked at Rose’s still body.

It was silent. The only noise was the swoosh of the machine breathing for her. It was an oddly comforting sound as it eased the awkward silence between them.

Nurse Cindy came into the room to check the vitals. She nodded at Brynn. She and Brynn had come to an understanding that there was only to be truth between them, no fluff. Cindy took out her puppy pen and wrote a few things on the chart and left the room.

Adam sat down in a chair next the bed. Brynn sat in the chair at the end of the bed. She was studying him, he knew. He grabbed Rose’s hand. It was small and cold in his.
Rose wouldn’t like this.
Adam knew that Rose didn’t like physical contact, which was hard for him. He came from a very affectionate family, and much to Rose’s dismay, he had always tried to kiss or hug her. She ignored Adam, and saw him as a necessary annoyance in her life. They tolerated one another for the sake of Brynn’s sanity.

But now Rose was dying, and he truly felt at a loss.

While Adam felt distant, he had a strange affection toward her that he couldn’t explain. He didn’t know if it was pity or love, or both. He had tried to help her, but Rose wouldn’t allow it. She didn’t like men, and Adam couldn’t blame her, but he tried anyway. He knew that Rose needed Brynn, even though he needed her, too. And he knew that Rose was like a child, selfish and needy, unable to handle most things for herself. She was emotionally unbalanced, and she gave Brynn purpose. As much as Adam hated to admit it, Brynn needed her, too.

But he also resented Rose for taking Brynn away from him, and for making Brynn afraid to have children of her own. He resented Rose for never including him and stealing away his wife without apology.

Adam hoped that if Brynn took him back, they could revisit the part of their lives that Rose had incessantly interrupted, the part where most people had babies and created families. He wanted a child more than anything. If it were up to him, they would have a lot of children, but with Brynn, he would be happy with one.

Adam planned for it and envisioned it for so long. He knew that Brynn would be a good mother. He saw how she gave of herself to others and how much love she had in her heart. He wished that she could see herself through his eyes, because then she would know that she could do it.

Brynn turned to Adam. She held his arm, feeling the muscles beneath his soft cotton button down shirt. She loved the look and the feel of him, and she couldn’t believe he was really there. “I… I just want to tell you how much I love you, Adam,” Brynn said slowly, cautiously. “I’m so happy you are here. I missed you so much… I…”

Adam stopped her. “We are going to have plenty of time to make it up to one another. I realize how much I love you, how I will always ever love only you. You give me a purpose that I don’t have without you. I hated being without you, and I’ll never do it again.”

Brynn’s breath caught, and she was speechless. She leaned into him and he kissed her, his mouth open and wet, and wanting. Brynn missed his mouth and how his lips connected to her core and made her want things she never imagined existed, until there was him.

Adam pulled away. “I love you.”

“I love you,” Brynn said without hesitation. She leaned in close to him, not minding the hardness of the hospital chairs now. They sat for a long time in silence.

Nurse Cindy came in again. This time she was with a doctor. They spoke directly to Brynn. Adam was confused.

They are turning off the ventilator, already?

Brynn just kept nodding and crying, crying and nodding. They had her sign paperwork, and then she grabbed tight to Adam’s hand. The doctor went over and flipped a switch on one of the pieces of equipment. The ventilator that had been making the
swooshing
sound started to slow down, and then the room was silent.

Brynn held tight to Adam, and he put his arm around her and held her as close to him as he could. He tried to shield her with his body, knowing what was coming.

The doctor left the room and said he would be back. The nurse who liked the puppies did the same. They knew that Brynn needed her privacy. They had watched her over the past week and knew that they were unusually close.

It was just Adam and Brynn now. Rose was in there, but barely. They could see the vitals dropping on the machine, the rising and falling of the lines on the heart monitor were moving slower and slower.

Rose also knew that it was almost time to go.

She could tell. She couldn’t explain it, but she knew.

She wanted to tell Brynn, but she couldn’t tell anyone. She couldn’t say anything. She was trapped in her body and she was desperate to get out. She could tell that her time was coming. She had lived long enough.

Rose didn’t want anything. She just wanted to go. She was tired of this life. It hadn’t turned out anything like she had expected and she was done with it. Rose didn’t know how long she had been in the hospital.
Days? Weeks?
It didn’t matter how long. Rose knew that Brynn looked tired. She hadn’t slept or left her Roses’ side since she came to the hospital.

Rose couldn’t have picked a better child if she had given birth to one. In fact, she thought that if she had given birth to a child it could have been worse.

Rose knew that she was never going to be able to tell Brynn how she really did take care of her. How she gave her the gift of protecting herself. She planned to tell her when she was lying on her deathbed, but now Rose would never have the chance. She knew that Brynn would understand the dramatics behind waiting to tell her until then. Rose regretted that she would never know, even though she thought that she needed to know.

Rose hoped she wouldn’t run into Thomas wherever she was going, although she doubted that they would end up in the same place. She couldn’t imagine that they could after everything that he had done to her and to Brynn. She knew that if she saw Thomas that she would be in trouble. She had tried to live a good life and do the right things.

But there was that one thing.

Surely, God would understand about that thing. It had been necessary.

Rose reasoned with herself for a while. She had no sense of time, she just knew that she had been like this for long enough, and she was ready to go.

She knew that she had loved Brynn enough. She had done everything that she could do.

Rose felt herself fading. It was as though she could feel herself disappearing. There was no light, no tunnel, no floating above her body. There was just the sense that she was going away. She was disappointed at how anticlimactic it all was. Where were all of the special effects? Rose wanted to know where she was going. She felt less and less.

And then there was nothing.

The room felt very still. Adam was afraid to move. He kept looking down at Brynn.

She was holding tight to Rose’s hand. She hadn’t held Rose’s hand in so long, and she felt so guilty. They told her it could be minutes or hours.

“It’s okay, Mom, you can go now,” Brynn cried.

Rose didn’t move.

“I have loved you my whole life. Thank you for loving me.” Brynn was sobbing as tears racked her tiny body.

Adam looked up and there was a long straight line on the heart monitor.

It only took an hour, and Rose was gone.

ADAM MOVED
HIS THINGS HOME.

They knew that it was going to take a long time to work through their problems. But their time apart gave them a fresh perspective and both discovered a new appreciation for the other.

With Rose gone, Brynn she could give Adam the time and energy that he needed. But she was still afraid. Besides Adam’s parents, she had never really seen a healthy relationship and didn’t know what one looked like. She didn’t trust her own instincts anymore, and Brynn wasn’t sure that she would know how to be a good wife on her own. Starting over terrified her beyond anything she had ever known.
What if I screw it up? What if I have no idea what I am doing?
She was afraid of disappointing Adam, again.

But Brynn was also afraid to trust him. She was afraid that he would just give up and run from her again, with no warning.

“I promise I will never leave you again! Don’t be afraid,” Adam said to her over and over. He knew that it would take time. They were trying to settle into a new routine and not sink back into the old one. They had to remind themselves that they were given a new beginning for a reason. It was a work in progress every day and they were learning forgiveness and love all over again.

One early morning, the phone rang unexpectedly.

Brynn was half-asleep.
Rose? Why is she calling so early?
Then she remembered that Rose was gone and that she would never call Brynn again. Just the thought took her breath away.

It was Michael, Lucia’s boyfriend. “It’s time!” he said sounding panicked and excited at the same time. Even though they agreed to give the baby up for adoption, they were still excited for the baby’s birth. They knew in their hearts that they were doing the right thing.

The couple they chose was exceptional and loving. They couldn’t have children of their own and they wanted to be parents more than anything. When Lucia met them and chose them to adopt her baby, they wept and thanked her over and over. Lucia knew that they would take good care of her baby, and it made their decision feel right. Lucia knew that she couldn’t take care of her baby the way that her baby deserved at this point in her life. This couple was young, successful, and clearly in love.

She was happy with their choice.

Brynn and Adam quickly dressed, and rushed to the hospital as excited as they would be if it were their own child. Lucia was family. They loved her like the little sister that neither of them had. She was compassionate, smart, and funny and she had been there for them when they needed her most. Brynn wanted more than anything to be there to support Lucia when she met her child, even if it were for a brief moment. They told her that they would sit in the waiting room and for her to call them when they needed her. She knew that Lucia would feel better just knowing they were there.

When they arrived in the quiet waiting area, Lucia was already in the birthing room, and they found her father pacing. The only one with her was Michael. They sent word with a nurse that they were there and thinking about her, and a few moments later the nurse came out and gestured for Brynn.

“She would like you to come back,” the nurse said putting her hand on her back.

Brynn was caught off guard. She wasn’t expecting to be with Lucia during the actual birth and she was hesitant.

Adam looked at her, silently encouraging her. Brynn was amazed at how he could make her feel better just by simply giving her a look. It was as though Adam could see into her soul and knew exactly what she needed. She stood up straight and took a deep breath. She was ready.

She followed the nurse back into the birthing room. Brynn had never been in one before and was surprised at how nice it was. She was surprised to see a nice couch, cherry armoire, and a nightstand, and thought it looked more like a hotel room than a birthing room. The colors were soothing pastels and there was even a floral print on the wall that looked like it belonged in a nursery. She thought that it was such a pretty room.

Lucia was so happy to see Brynn. She grabbed Brynn’s hand as soon as she was close enough. Already in hard labor, Lucia was panting and sweating, her beautiful dark hair matted against her head. The epidural was helping to take the pain away but there was still a lot of pressure. The nurses said that it was almost time, and that Lucia was going to need to push very soon. Brynn felt dizzy from the flurry of activity in the room. She didn’t know what to expect but it was nothing like she saw on TV. Lucia wasn’t screaming or crying, but Brynn could tell that she was uncomfortable. Every time there was a contraction, Lucia squeezed Brynn’s hand really hard. Michael was on the other side of her and every time Lucia squeezed, they both grimaced in pain, and then smiled at each other reassuringly.

A doctor entered the room without either of them noticing. All they could see were the doctor’s bright green eyes above the mask and they both startled a little when she spoke. “Okay Lucia, I’m going to need you start giving me some really good pushes, but only when I say.”

Lucia nodded, her face twisted up with the contraction that was squeezing her insides. She waited.

“Puuush,” the doctor said looking up in anticipation.

Brynn could see Lucia gathering herself from the inside and then pushing with all of her strength. She wondered how she felt, and for a moment, she envisioned herself in Lucia’s place. Brynn pictured herself pushing and tried to imagine how it would feel. She thought she would be so terrified, not of the pain or the pressure, but of the tiny person that would come out. She couldn’t imagine how she could ever take care of such a tiny thing. She shook her head, trying to get rid of the vision. She needed to be present for Lucia who needed her right now.

“Come on, honey, you can do it!” Brynn said trying to sound confident in her encouragement.

Lucia let out a loud grunt as she pushed as hard as she could, a large vein popping out of her forehead.

“Good, Lucia! Good!” the doctor said, obviously pleased with her effort. “I can see your baby’s head. It’s crowned.”

Lucia looked at Michael. Her pretty brown eyes were a mixture of happiness with a deep undertone of something else that Brynn couldn’t quite read. It looked like sadness, but she wasn’t quite sure. Lucia was a smart girl who knew her own mind, and Brynn knew that she was confident in her decision to give the baby up for adoption. Lucia talked with her about it at length, knowing that as an adopted child Brynn may have some insight for her. Brynn knew that her life was a result of Thomas and Rose, and nothing else, and didn’t share her horror with Lucia.

Brynn just told her that she needed to make a decision based on what her heart and her head told her that she should do. She told her that she needed to be willing to live with her decision for the rest of her life. And Brynn told Lucia that she was a good person.

Lucia and Michael were confident that the couple they chose was the right decision for them, and for their baby. They loved their baby enough to give him or her more than what they could give a child right now. Brynn was proud of Lucia for knowing herself well enough to know that she wasn’t ready to be a mother, and to have the heart to give that gift to someone else.

“Puuush,” the doctor repeated, this time a little more forcefully.

Lucia’s face contorted again, and she summoned every bit of strength that she could. She felt herself pushing from somewhere deep inside of her with a strength that she didn’t know existed. This time when pushed, she let out a sound that resembled a warrior exploding into a battle. She was battling within, fighting her fatigue and her weariness. She knew she had to push, as many times as it took, but she was getting tired.

“Good Job, Lucia! She’s almost here! One more good push should do it.” the doctor said sounding like a coach.

Lucia fell back onto the bed. She was gathering herself more time for the final push. Brynn stared at her amazed. She had never experienced anything so intense, and she felt herself choking up with emotion. She couldn’t wait to see the baby. She tried to peer over Lucia’s legs, feeling a little embarrassed, but all she could see was a dark shock of hair poking out from the top of the baby’s head.

“Okay, Lucia. Get ready!” the doctor said, her voice full of energy and anticipation. “One more good push and your baby will be out. Let’s do this!”

Brynn looked into Lucia’s eyes.
You can do this
, Brynn said to her silently. She squeezed her hand as tight as she could.
Take my strength. You can do this!

Lucia closed her eyes and took a deep breath. And then she pushed as long and hard and deep as she could, the warrior within gathering herself one more time.

“You did it! It’s a beautiful baby girl” the doctor exclaimed excitedly. “Good work! You did very well. Now lay back, and we’ll finish things up.”

She handed the baby to the nurses who whisked her away. Lucia’s eyes filled with tears of joy and relief. She was overcome, and she clung to Michael and Brynn as she allowed all of her emotion to spill out. She had been keeping it in and drawing strength from it, but now she didn’t need it anymore. Lucia knew that if she let it out too early that she wouldn’t have the strength to push the baby out, or to do what needed to come next.

Brynn was alarmed. Lucia was sobbing now, and Brynn could feel the sadness flowing out of her all at once.

“It’s okay, it’s okay,” Michael repeated over and over through his tears. Brynn’s heart ached for them, as she couldn’t imagine the pain of what they were about to do. She clung to them trying to give them her strength, but soon they were all crying holding each other as tight as they could.

Brynn wondered, for a brief moment, if her own mother felt this sadness when she was letting her go. She wondered if she had cried, or if she just simply tossed her aside and not looked back. Brynn felt her heart hurting for them, but also for herself.

The room was quiet, and then they heard the tiny cry of the baby.

“Please, please, may I see her?” Lucia asked the closest nurse, after they had cleaned Lucia up.

“Of course, you may,” the nurse said looking at her sympathetically. They all knew that the beautiful young couple was giving their baby away to the anxious couple in the waiting room. They admired how they talked about their baby with such love, even though they weren’t going to raise her.

The nurse brought the tiny bundle in the white blanket with the pink and blue stripes, over to them with a big smile. “She’s perfect and beautiful,” she said as she presented her to them proudly. She wanted the first moment that they saw her to be perfect.

Lucia held out her arms and the nurse placed them where she would fit perfectly. Lucia let out a loud sigh as her eyes filled once again with tears that she couldn’t wipe away.

The baby looked at her with tiny squinting eyes, awake and alert to the world. She was beautiful with light caramel colored skin and dark brown hair and eyes. The hair on the top of her head was thick and long. Brynn was amazed at how long it was. She tentatively touched it and loved how soft it felt. She looked at Lucia and Michael who were fixated on their baby. Brynn felt such love coming from them, and she hoped that their baby felt it, too.

“I’m your momma and this is your daddy,” Lucia said softly with that beautiful Spanish lilt in her voice. Lucia spoke through tears, holding her baby’s soft hands and caressing the soft little face. The baby stared up at her silently, fixated on Lucia’s pretty face as though she knew that she had just come from her. “You are going to have a new momma and a new daddy and they are going to love you very much.”

Michael and Brynn were crying as she spoke. Brynn didn’t know how Lucia could be so strong. The baby seemed to be captivated by Lucia’s every word, staring steadily into her eyes.

“We want you to have a happy life. And right now, we can’t give that to you. You deserve so much more than what we can give you. The only thing that we can give you is love, and that’s just not enough. Your new mommy and daddy will give you so much love too, but they will give you much more. They will give you everything. They’ve been waiting to meet you, praying for you every day. We want you to have what you deserve. But we will never forget you. We will never stop thinking about you, and you will always be a part of us.”

The baby looked at Lucia, her dark eyes seeming to understand what Lucia was saying, loving her soft voice as she spoke. “They love you very much already. Your new mommy and daddy have always wanted to have a baby, so you are a precious gift to them, my
Nena. Te quiero con todo mi alma.
”

Lucia held her close for a long moment, and kissed her forehead. Michael kissed her forehead and without speaking, they handed her back to the nurse.

The nurse took her out of the room and Lucia and Michael broke down in tears. Brynn looked at the nurses who were left in the room, and saw that they were wiping their eyes as well. The entire room felt full of heartbreak and sadness, and nobody said a word.

After a while, when Lucia had fallen asleep with Michael curled up in the bed next to her holding her tightly, Brynn left the room and went out to find Adam.

Adam had been in the waiting room with Lucia’s father for hours. They didn’t realize that they were sitting next to the new parents of Lucia’s baby.

They didn’t notice the anxious young couple in the corner who were terrified that after the birth that the birth parents would change their minds. They talked back and forth about how they didn’t know if they could take it again, and they cried in their fear and anticipation.

They didn’t notice when the nurse came out and summoned them and the happiness on their faces when the nurse said, “Yes, she’s yours.” And they didn’t notice the tears of joy as they followed her into the room to meet their new daughter.

Brynn was spent. She wanted to go home. She was full of so many different emotions that she needed to be able to sort them out. They hugged Lucia’s father and walked him to the door of Lucia’s room.