Leaving Eva (The Eva Series Book 1) (20 page)

THE STICKY
NOTES WEREN’T WORKING.

Rose couldn’t ever find where she put the notes to remind her where her keys were, or where she needed to go or what she needed to do. She was more confused lately, and she found that the only place she knew where to go was the restaurant. Otherwise, she was lost in the maze of her mind.

Jane was always so nice to her. She made sure she ate, even though Rose couldn’t always remember if she had eaten. She often chastised her for the clothes she was wearing. “Sweetheart, its spring, and you are wearing your winter coat!” Jane was nice, and so were the other girls. And Rose adored the little pregnant Spanish girl.

They all knew how much she missed Brynn. They missed her, too.

While it was true that Rose once amused them, now she just reminded them of how lost Brynn was to them, and how much they missed her. They were a family at the restaurant, and now they sympathized with Rose’s loss because it was their loss, too.

Even Jane hadn’t seen Brynn since the memorial for her friend. After Stacy’s memorial, the girls all told Rose that something bad had happened. Rose had known Stacy, but Brynn didn’t want her to go to the memorial. She said it would be hard enough without having to worry about her, too. When they came home and Rose asked Jane how Brynn was, she said that she was okay, but Rose knew that she wasn’t telling her the whole story. She asked the other girls, but they wouldn’t tell her what happened. She heard the whispers but she would forget what they said. She just knew it was bad.

After a while, Jane wouldn’t let her drive to the restaurant anymore. She insisted on calling her a cab, or having one of the girls pick her up. Rose would stay at the restaurant for hours. She had nowhere else to go and nothing else to do, so she would sit in a corner booth sipping on tea and staring out of the window watching the cars go by.

Jane had taken her car keys and had hired a girl to help her with her grocery shopping once a week. Rose was thankful. Those were the things that Brynn would take care of for her. She didn’t know how to do it on her own anymore.

Jane emailed Brynn updates on Rose. She even tried to call her, but Brynn ignored the calls and the emails. Jane didn’t even know if she was checking them. She was frustrated but there was nothing she could do but wait it out. She hated that Brynn was absent, but she reminded herself that it was because of Brynn that Jane and her girls had such a good life now. Helping her with Rose was the least that she could do.

Jane had even made Rose sticky note with Jane’s phone number, and taped it to the phone. She knew that when Rose found the phone she would be able to find her number. But she was becoming increasingly worried. Rose was starting to call at odd times now to ask her who was picking her up.

“Hello?” Jane woke up out of a dead sleep, her heart pounding and grabbed the phone. It was one a.m.

“Hello? Yes dear, when is someone coming for me?” said the thin voice on the other end.

“What? Who is this? What time…? Rose?”

“When is someone coming for me? I’m hungry now!”

“Rose, it’s the middle of the night!” Jane was wide-awake now.

“It’s lunch time!” Rose insisted.

Jane tried to convince her that it was nighttime, but it was futile. “Rose, go back to sleep. We will pick you up for breakfast.”

Rose hung up. She looked at the receiver in her hand. Who was she calling? Was it Thomas? Where was Brynn, she wondered. Did she stay overnight at Stacy’s?

She got up and walked around the apartment looking for Brynn. She couldn’t find her anywhere. She forgot why she was out of bed and what she was looking for, and she lay on the couch and went to sleep.

Jane noticed that Rose appeared more and more confused and disengaged. She was having trouble walking, and she was slower than usual.

One of the newest regulars flagged Jane over one day. “I think it’s awfully nice, dear, that you let the homeless come in and you give them tea,” the older woman said warmly. She pointed to the table where Rose sat, and Jane smiled kindly. “Oh sweetie, that’s not a homeless woman, that’s our good friend, Rose.”

“Oh,” the woman said confused. The cacophony of colors that Rose had chosen to wear that day was a strange departure from her usual neutrals, and difficult on the eyes. Rose’s appearance had changed drastically in the past few months, as did her hygiene. Her usual tidy appearance had become uncharacteristically messy.

Jane’s mother died a decade before, but even then, she lived a state away, and Jane didn’t need to do anything to take care of her. Now she was feeling the stress of taking care of the girls, the restaurant, and Rose. Taking care of Rose was sometimes a full time job and Jane wondered how Brynn had done it for so long.

Jane was worried about Rose and begged her to go to the doctor. She offered to take her, and she even tried tricking her and driving her there, but Rose sat in the front seat of the Focus and refused to get out of the car. Jane thought she could convince her, but Rose was becoming more and more unpredictable and difficult.

Rose flat out refused to go to the doctor. She hadn’t shared her diagnosis with anyone and she wasn’t going to, either. She didn’t want them to put her in a nursing home on a locked ward. Rose wanted to be able to breathe the fresh air for as long as she could. The doctor said that there were different medicines she could try but Rose knew that it would just postpone the inevitable. She didn’t want to simply postpone the inevitable. She knew where she was headed and how she was going to get there. Prolonging the journey seemed silly to her.

Rose thought sadly,
Brynn was right
.
I’ve burdened her long enough. I don’t want her to hate me.
Rose substituted Jane in some ways for her daughter, but Jane wasn’t her daughter. There was enough for Jane to worry about as a single mother, and taking care of the restaurant. Rose knew that. And while she liked Jane, Jane wasn’t Brynn and she missed her Brynn.

Even when she was little, Brynn would comfort her. She would hug her and tell her, “Mommy, its okay.”

After Thomas hit her, Brynn would cuddle up next to her, grab her hand, kiss it, and tell her that she loved her. Rose found comfort in her child, and Brynn was such a perceptive little girl. She knew when Rose needed her, and she was always there. As an adult, Brynn was the same. She took care of Rose, letting her stay near her, keeping her safe. The past few months were hard on Rose. She felt alone and abandoned, and even though she knew that Brynn needed to be away from her, she was still hurt.

Rose had certainly not been herself for a while. She even stopped going to the restaurant as often. On the way home from the restaurant the last time, Jane had asked her if Thomas was the name of her husband.

“How do you know that?” Rose asked her. She made it a point to never talk about Thomas.

“You told me. You told me he died.” Jane said.

“Yes, of course he died. Everyone knows my husband died.” Rose was annoyed.

“Yes, but you said he died because of you and Brynn.” Jane said lightly, keeping her eyes on the road.

Rose felt like Jane was testing her.
What did I say? What did I tell her?

Jane’s curiosity was peaked. Rose talked to Jane often as if she were Brynn. She had said to her in a very motherly voice Jane had never heard before, “I’m sorry my, little Brynn, for what I made you do to him, but he had to die.” Jane knew that Rose was no longer in her right mind, but she wondered what she had done to him.
What did she make Brynn do?

After Jane asked her about Thomas, Rose stopped going to the restaurant. She was afraid she would say too much. She even stopped going out altogether. She had the girl Jane hired bring her groceries and cigarettes, but that was it.

The diagnosis of early onset Alzheimer’s was years ago, and Rose held on longer than she thought. When the cleaning lady came over, Rose tried to remember to hide in her room. She didn’t want to see or talk to anyone. She found that her moments of lucidity were becoming less and less. Rose felt that she was in jeopardy, but she didn’t know why. She just had a feeling of impending doom.

She woke up one day and found that her head had that fuzzy feeling that she had been getting lately, and the weakness was back in her arm. She tried to pick up the phone, but she couldn’t make her hand do what she wanted it to do no matter how hard she tried.

Rose knew something was wrong, but she didn’t know what to do. She called for Momma but there was no answer. Daddy didn’t answer either. Rose opened the bedroom door to try to find her. There she was! She was cleaning the bathroom. “Momma! Momma!”

“Rose?” Lea said. The older woman had been cleaning for Rose for many months now. Rose stayed out of her way, and she liked Rose, despite her strangeness.
What is she saying? She isn’t making any sense. Why is she calling Momma?

“Momma, help me. Help me,” Rose’s tongue felt very thick and she couldn’t see very well.

“Rose, you’re not making any sense. I can’t understand a word you are saying.”

The last thing that Rose heard was Momma calling her.

Then there was blackness.

BRYNN SAT
SILENTLY
STARING
at the machines, waiting.

It was over a week and Rose was not improving. Instead, she was steadily declining, until the only thing keeping her alive were machines.

She bowed her head, ashamed of herself.
I abandoned my Mother when she needed me the most
.

Brynn knew that Rose couldn’t have loved her more if she had have given birth to her.

Brynn was so thankful for Lea, the housekeeper. She called 911, and though Brynn would probably never see Rose awake again, she could at least sit with her as she went. Jane’s call from the hospital finally got through to Brynn, and Brynn rushed to the hospital without hesitation. It was the first time she had left the house in days. But she knew that Rose needed her.

She didn’t know about the Alzheimer’s. She was so wrapped up in her brokenness that she hadn’t really seen Rose for a long time. Brynn was living her life half-alive, and had stopped paying attention to anything else that mattered.

Brynn knew what she had done wrong with Adam. She had never opened her heart completely to him. She always kept him at arm’s length so that he couldn’t hurt her as Thomas had hurt her. She could see it as clear as day. She knew that she didn’t listen to him, or hear him when he said how much he needed her. She ignored him when he looked into her eyes pleading with her to look back. But now it was too late. She would never have the chance again, and she had to join the world of the living again.

Brynn realized that she let a lot of people down, and she wasn’t sure how she would make it up to them. It was too late for Stacy, but she knew that she needed to make amends. She would have to think about that later, after she said good-bye to Rose.

Brynn was finally awake, but it was too late.
I’ll never get to speak to Momma again. I’ll never hear her tell me she loves me ever again.
Rose was with her as far back as she could remember up until the last few months. She didn’t know what it had been like the last few months of Rose’s life. The guilt and shame hung heavily over her. Brynn knew that she would never forgive herself for abandoning her.

She held Rose’s lifeless hand that seemed to get colder and colder. She had been alone with her in the room for days. Jane and the girls, Stella and Bertie, Lea, and Lucia, had all stopped in to see Rose.

Brynn was so happy to see Lucia who came to the hospital to visit with Jane. She was nice and plump with baby, and so beautiful. She decided to give the baby up for adoption so that she could finish school. Lucia and the baby’s father were still together, but she was too young to start a family. They agreed that it would be the right thing to do. Brynn was relieved that Lucia would be able to finish high school and still go on with her life. She had been right about her from the beginning. She knew that she was a smart girl and she was proud of her for making such a good decision.

Brynn was most afraid to face Jane. They hadn’t spoken since Jane had dropped her off after Stacy’s memorial. Jane tried, but she only got frustrated with Brynn for ignoring her. She was more upset with her for ignoring her about Rose. She understood that Brynn’s heart was broken, but she wanted to shake her friend. She knew first hand that nothing could come from wallowing in her pain. Brynn taught her that many years ago.

“I’m sure you want to slap me,” she said to Jane when Jane walked into Rose’s hospital room. Jane did want to slap her, but she had spent an ample amount of time, working through her anger.

Jane looked long into Brynn’s eyes and saw that she no longer needed to be angry with her friend. Rose’s impending demise was enough to bring Brynn out of her own self-induced coma and she could see that Brynn was finally back.

She grabbed Brynn and hugged her tightly. “It’s good to see you,” she whispered in her ear. They held each other for a long while, and when they finally came apart, both had tears in their eyes that they had held back for so long. Brynn knew that Jane was the best of friends, and she promised herself that she wouldn’t let her go as she had Stacy.

After they dried their tears, Jane asked her if she called Adam to tell him. Brynn shook her head and sadly gestured that she hadn’t. Ever since Adam left, she promised Brynn that she wouldn’t interfere, but Jane couldn’t wait anymore. She didn’t care if Adam was with someone else. She felt that he deserved to know what was going on with Brynn and with Rose, after all, Rose had been his mother-in-law for years. She didn’t tell Brynn that she called Adam for her, unsure of how she might react.

Adam was so thankful for Jane’s phone call.

He was terrified to talk to Brynn. He was at a loss for how to get her to talk to him since she had been ignoring him since the memorial. But Jane’s call was just what he needed. Suddenly being there for her now was the most important thing to him.

When all of the visitors were gone, and the room was quiet once again, Brynn sat with Rose, holding her hand relishing the peacefulness. Brynn was tired but she refused to leave the room.

“I’m so sorry for leaving you, Momma. If you can hear me, I want you to know how much I loved you. I’m sorry for leaving you when you needed me the most.” Brynn said, knowing that Rose would not respond. She looked at Rose’s still, quiet face, distorted by the breathing tube, and tried to envision what she looked like without it.

She laid her head on her arms on the hospital bed next to Rose, and wept. She had cried so much in the past few months that she couldn’t believe that she had any tears left. Yet they flowed easily. She wished that Adam were here with her. She still missed him. He was the only one who made her feel normal, who made her feel better. And even though she knew that he was with Annie, she still missed him.

Adam walked into the hospital with butterflies in his stomach and palms sweating. He had only been face to face with Brynn once in the past six months. He couldn’t get the horrified, disappointed, angry look on her face out of his mind. When she saw him sitting with Annie, she looked at him as if he were the devil. He dreamt about it almost every night. Adam couldn’t imagine how Brynn would forgive him, but he knew that she had to, and he just needed to explain. To tell her that it wasn’t how it looked, and that his worst sin was stupidity.

Adam didn’t know how Brynn would forgive him for walking out. He was trying to forgive himself, and he knew that he couldn’t give up. Not on Brynn, and not on himself.

He loved her, he needed her, and he wasn’t going to accept a life without her. Now that he had been without her, Adam never wanted to be without her again.

But Adam also knew that he needed things from Brynn, too. She always kept her emotions reigned in, and he needed her to trust him enough to be free. Adam was exhausted trying to free her from herself, and he needed Brynn to work at it, as well. He didn’t know if she could. She had survived by protecting herself, and Adam had to convince her that she was safe. But now, he was going to have to start over.

There were so many questions and so many unknowns. When he left her, he didn’t want to deal with the unknowns anymore. Now all that he wanted to do and all that he was willing to do was to deal with the unknowns.

Adam stood quietly outside of Rose’s hospital room, staring at Brynn. He was alarmed at how dangerously thin and gaunt she was. Jane warned him, but he wasn’t prepared for the sight of her. She looked so unhealthy and frail.
Did I do this to her?
When was the last time she ate?
He was angry with himself all over again.

He looked at Rose, still in the bed. Adam had never seen her so still, so quiet. Rose had frustrated him with her neediness and her overbearing love for his Brynn. He never knew how to take her, so he hadn’t taken to her at all. He tolerated her for many years, and now she was nearly gone. Adam failed to be there for her, and he didn’t even know if she realized it. The Alzheimer’s was eating away at the woman she once was. He grieved for Brynn.

Jane told him how inaccessible Brynn had become and how changed she was now because of her brokenness. Adam didn’t believe it until seeing her now. They needed to heal and they needed to do it together.

He took a step toward her tentatively. He was ready.

Brynn turned toward him and her big brown eyes that he adored so much, widened in recognition. “Adam!” she said in disbelief.