Laugh Lines: Conversations With Comedians (30 page)

Corey: That’s always been confusing to me, especially from Jim Carrey fans, who say they don’t like that one. It’s a dark comedy, people.

Judd: We did do a lot of funny stuff back then, and there are a lot of extra scenes that are a little crazier. There are some scenes of Jim actually trying to kill Matthew Broderick, but those are scary for people.

Corey: How did you come up with ‘The 40-Year-Old Virgin?’

Judd: When we were doing ‘Anchorman’ and Steve was clearly stealing the movie whenever he spoke, I said to him, ‘Let’s come up with an idea for you to do.’ He brought me a few ideas, and that was one of them. It’s based on a sketch he did at Second City where a bunch of guys are sitting around telling sex stories, and one guy is telling a story and clearly, his is made up. He’s saying, ‘You know how when you touch a girl’s breast, it feels like a bag of sand?’ ‘It doesn’t feel like bag of sand.’ ‘You know how it feels like bag of marbles?’ ‘You know how when you take off a girl’s panties and there’s all that baby powder down there.’ They’re saying, ‘What are you talking about?’ That was the original idea.

We started to build a world around that. What it turned into was a very dirty but also very sweet movie about a fairly normal guy who let it get past him. He’s not some nerdy Pee-wee Herman guy. He’s a little bit of a hermit. At about 25 he decided it was too embarrassing to try anymore, and he gave up. Now his friends figure it out, and they force him to try again.

I think it’s the funniest thing I’ve ever done. I’ve never worked on something that gets this many laughs. It’s also a sweet, human movie that works as a story. When you do a movie called ‘The 40-Year-Old Virgin,’ the bar is pretty low. People aren’t expecting much. It really does play like a really great, filthy episode of ‘Freaks and Geeks’ or ‘Undeclared.’

Corey: Was this always an R-rated movie?

Judd: We pitched it as an R-rated movie. We knew it would be pretty hard to do with PG-13, but that was fun because the studio wants you to earn your R. If you’re going to make it R, you have to make it really R. You don’t want just barely R. Then you can be more honest about what happens in these situations. People are so happy that it’s honest or not watered down.

Corey: What’s something that helped make it an R?

Judd: There’s a really funny scene, where they tell him his chest is too hairy and that he should wax it. Steve says, ‘Let’s really wax my chest on camera.’ We get four cameras, and we hire an actress who also waxes for a living. And we literally wax his chest on camera. It’s like a snuff film for a few minutes. Every time they rip off a hunk of hair, Steve curses out the woman in the dirtiest terms possible—then apologizes immediately. Then when she rips the next one, he does it again. There’s a three-and-a-half minute sequence of him cursing a blue steak and then feeling really bad about it. It gets monster laughs. People go crazy because they can’t believe we’re really ripping his hair out. It became clear this is more than a scene in the movie. We’re actually tearing his chest off onscreen.

Corey: Have you already submitted to the MPAA? Do you have the R?

Judd: We’re all locked, and we have our R. Even though there’s a lot of talking about sex because it’s that guy, nothing really happens to him.

Corey: Even though you’re putting the finishing touches on it, have you started figuring out what’s going to be on the DVD?

Judd: They make you do it at the same time. So when you hand in the movie you have to hand in the DVD at the same time. We already cut a version of the movie that’s 17 minutes longer. What happens that is kind of odd, more people will buy the extended version of the movie rather than the original version because people like the dirtier version of the movie, but you are stuck with this weird new reality. If 70 percent of the people see only the extended version of the movie, are you ruining your movie by making it too long, destroying whatever flow you have for your theatrical release?

Yet there is a lot of funny stuff that you didn’t have time to put in, and the movie is already 110 minutes. Does anyone want a two-hour-and-seven-minute version of ‘The 40-Year-Old Virgin?’ Right now I’m debating how many scenes to put back in the movie and how many should just be deleted scenes. I’m a DVD freak, and I videotape everything so there will be a little documentary about the making of the waxing sequence. I kept a video diary which is actually way funnier than I thought it would be—showing the ups and downs of when I was exhausted, when I was crying. There was a big karaoke sequence we cut out of the movie; so we’ll put on some of the songs. Then there’s some weird stuff. There was a scene in the movie with a porn star in it. So we shot Seth Rogen hanging out with a porn star. Seth’s lunch with a porn star—that’s kind of disturbing.

Corey: Paul Feig just came out with a book where he talks about being a virgin later in life than some might expect. Is this a new trend?

Judd: It shows why Paul and I were perfect partners, why we understand each other. It’s a weird bit of kismet that we both have virgin projects coming out together. Paul’s book is hysterical. I will tell you something amazing about that book. I spent a year and a half alone in a room with that guy milking every horrifying story he has from his youth. Then he has this book, and it has none of the stories he told me. I don’t know if he held back the good ones or he had so many, we just didn’t get to these! I’m just in awe of his memory. Who can remember all that stuff in such detail? It’s so painful. That book is a riot. Read the first two chapters; your jaw will drop.

Corey: ‘Anchorman’ was probably the funniest movie to come out last year. What kind of things did you have your hand in with that?

Judd: It’s funny you mention that because when we were shooting ‘Undeclared,’ I knew it was gonna get canceled at some point soon so I started developing a few movies, and one of those was ‘Anchorman.’ At the time, Will Ferrell was on ‘Saturday Night Live,’ and Adam McKay was a former writer on ‘Saturday Night Live.’ So Will used to come to the office with Adam, and we’d kick around ‘Anchorman.’ I produced it, and they wrote it, and Adam directed it. Will was nice enough to do an episode of ‘Undeclared’ where he played a methamphetamine addict who would write your term paper for 50 bucks. It was one of my favorite episodes.

I remember when we shot it, Jake Kasden, who directed the pilot of ‘Undeclared and ‘Freaks and Geeks,’ said, ‘Oh my God, Will Ferrell is a huge star,’ and this is before Will became a huge star. ‘He can do anything!’ I remember that moment so clearly. I would just challenge them with issues on the script. The one contribution I made that I am proud of is we had all the anchormen talking tough and threatening to beat each other up. I did put a little note on the draft, ‘Maybe you should have them really fight.’ So then they wrote the funniest fight sequence of all time. So I am glad I nudged them in that direction.

Corey: You’ve had the opportunity to work with a lot of people before they exploded. Who is on the horizon that you would like to work with before they get too big and are doing huge studio pictures?

Judd: I think Seth Rogen is gonna be a big star. He’s 23 years old; he has such a funny persona. He can be really mean, funny and also sweet. I just think the guy is as good as anyone I have come across. I wrote a movie with him and his partner, Adam Goldberg. It’s called ‘The Long D.’ It’s about a guy and girl who are going to go to college together, and the guy doesn’t get in. So they go to different colleges, and it’s about their four years apart. You cut back and forth between the different schools, and it’s a romantic comedy about whether they will survive the separation. I think we might shoot it next year. If they allow us, Seth will be the big star. I think he might break really big off ‘Virgin,’ because he gets such big laughs; you can tell the audience really likes him. We’d like to see more of him.

Bruce Vilanch was once one of the best-kept secrets in Hollywood. A-list stars like Bette Midler, Billy Crystal and Whoopi Goldberg kept the comedy writer on speed dial, in case they needed a quick pun or one-liner.

Vilanch pepped up awards shows like the Tonys and Oscars with well-timed zingers for hosts and presenters alike and was content as a funnyman in the shadows. In fact, his good friend and composer Marc Shaiman once wrote a song for Vilanch’s one-man show titled, “The Queens Behind the Scenes.”

But once the blonde-bearded, comical-T-shirt-sporting Vilanch ended up as a regular on the revamped “Hollywood Squares,” his notoriety level jumped up a few pegs.

I caught up with Vilanch while he was T-shirt shopping in Chicago during his run as doting mother Edna Turnblad in “Hairspray” the musical.

Corey: How much freedom do you have for improv?

Bruce Vilanch: There’s a number in the second act, a vaudeville number, a duet between the father and the mother. I get to break the fourth wall at that point and throw in a couple of ad-libs. Usually I do something that’s happening in that town.

Corey: Are you enjoying being on the road?

Bruce: Yes, I am. Chicago is not cold enough so we’re going to Minneapolis. It will be balmy in St. Louis by the time we get there. I’ll be strolling through the Central West End in my tube top.

Corey: Is this your first attempt at this type of drag?

Bruce: There hasn’t been much call for a bearded lady. I had a beard for 32 years. I did do a show about 15 years ago. We sold a series to NBC called ‘Cheech,’ starring Cheech Marin. I played a character called Luella Fella. She was a society columnist with a hormone problem.

Corey: Was there any talk of scarves or anything so you wouldn’t have to shave it off for ‘Hairspray?’

Bruce: I pitched it. I said we could make her a bearded lady, and they said, ‘That’s too John Waters.’ The audience is making a big buy that it’s a man playing a woman to begin with and you can’t ask them to make too big a buy. Let’s not ask them to take out a second mortgage.

Corey: How would you describe your vocal style as Edna?

Bruce: It’s kind of like the Queen Mary talking. It’s foghorn; it’s loud. It’s Ethel Merman with congestion.

Corey: She has some very interesting costumes. How quick are the changes?

Bruce: One of them is actually 45 seconds. It’s a huge change. She goes from drudge to glamour girl in 45 seconds. It’s an extreme, extreme makeover.

Corey: Because you’re on the road this year, are you sitting the Oscars out?

Bruce: I may send in a joke or two, but you have to be there. You have to be there when they’re developing the stuff, and we’re working so I have to sit this one out. Had I known the girl from ‘Whale Rider’ was going to be nominated, there’s so many whale jokes. Between the whales, the hobbits and the serial killers … a serial killer hooker, who could resist that?

Corey: Why shave your beard on ‘Regis and Kelly?’

Bruce: I was afraid to do it alone in my own bathroom. I was afraid if I shaved after 32 years and didn’t like what I saw, I’d kill myself. I knew if I went on Regis Philbin, I wouldn’t kill myself, because who would give him ratings like that? It would be a bigger TiVo moment than Janet Jackson. Well, I’d have to show a breast and kill myself. I decided it would be more fun to do it on national television because if I looked horrible, I could have a breakdown.

Corey: What did you think when you saw yourself in the mirror?

Bruce: I thought, ‘My God, I have all those jowls.’ I thought because I had a beard, I was a thin-faced person. Then I shaved and realized it was Alfred Hitchcock under there. Who knew I had all those? I was stunned.