Laugh Lines: Conversations With Comedians (32 page)

Corey: I would imagine the audience at the Apollo would be one of the more intimidating in the world. What was that like the first time you got onstage there?

Mo’Nique: The first time I got onstage there, I was performing as an act. I wasn’t hosting. The Apollo around the world is known for being the most-notorious audience ever. But, there’s no gray area with that audience. Either they love you, or they don’t. And I was just fortunate enough to be on the love side. As the host of the Apollo, it was one of the most incredible things I have ever done. Because you really get the sense and you understand; like I’m on the stage with some of the greatest performers ever. And when you touch that log, that’s very real for me.

Corey: You’ve had some very interesting character names like, Precious, Peaches and Jamequa. Which would you take on if you had to pick?

Mo’Nique: Out of those three? Precious. Yeah, Precious was a crack head, but she was a very sexy crack head. She was a gorgeous crack head, baby. Precious was something else.

Corey: If you’ve got to be a crack head, you might as well be gorgeous.

Mo’Nique: Thank you, and be named Precious. One thing you can do when you see a crack head is say, ‘Hey, she’s Precious. Look at her. That’s just Precious. Somebody help her.’

Corey: Is there any chance of a ‘Parkers’ reunion down the line?

Mo’Nique: I hope so. There’s been no talk about that. I hope so because that show was groundbreaking. It’s historical. We knew we were making history when they put all of us together, because when you look at ‘The Parkers,’ there are three big women on that show: myself, Countess Vaughn and Yvette Wilson. We were all shown in a very sexy, attractive look. I really hope so.

Corey: Did you watch Countess Vaughn when she was on ‘Celebrity Fit Club?’

Mo’Nique: Just the first time and I couldn’t watch it anymore. I don’t care for that show. I think we as fat people, we have been beaten down by society so much, then you go on a show, and you get so publicly humiliated. And I think it’s that mindset, we beat ’em down, let’s build ’em up. We grown-ass people. You can’t beat me down. What are you doing? I watched it when Angie Stone was on there because that’s my friend. And I was sitting there crying with her. You don’t have to do that to yourself, baby. If you give yourself an hour every day dedicated to your health, you’ll be fine. We’re not gonna be small people. Our bones are big. I’ve got size 20 bones. I can’t be size 12 because my bones would stick out my neck. And my head is too big. Big girls have got to be careful when they lose that weight drastically. They look like the bobbleheads, because you don’t lose weight in your head.

Corey: Does your brother think you owe him for getting you on the stand-up that first time?

Mo’Nique: I wouldn’t say I owe him. I do, because he was so bad and that’s what made me get onstage. I’m glad he was bad, because I don’t know what would have happened if he had been good! I’m glad they booed him.

Corey: What do you think you’d be doing now if you hadn’t got on that stage?

Mo’Nique: What would I be doing now? I might be a stripper, Corey. I have this thing about beauty and people say they’re called exotic dancers. Well, call it what you want, but I love being onstage. I love all eyes on me. They would call me Cinnamon Pop. Yes, Cinnamon Pop. (laughs) I think I would be an attorney.

Corey: Attorney by day, dancer by night.

Mo’Nique: There you go and I would pass out my cards in the courtroom. ‘We beat this case. Come on down here and see Cinnamon Pop do her number.’ Can you see me now on Court TV? ‘That was Cinnamon Pop! What is she doin’?’

Corey: Being a Queen of Comedy, is that like a monarchy? Do you rule forever, and how do you rule your Queendom?

Mo’Nique: I think that we will be queens forever, and the way that I rule my Queendom is I make sure the doors are open for the future queens. Often, there’s so many comedians out there that we don’t even know about that are funny as hell! But it became something different. There was a time when you were a comic you focused on being a comic. You weren’t worried about Hollywood. You just wanted to be funny. I miss those days. Now people really aren’t putting in the work to be funny. They just want to get to Hollywood. Hollywood ain’t goin’ nowhere. Master your craft and just be funny. I rule my Queendom through knowledge. Like guys, get in your car and drive up and down the world to get that fan base.

Corey: What can you do that a ‘skinny bitch’ can’t do?

Mo’Nique: Baby! I don’t know if we can write that! You’d have to put that in those little squiggly lines. ‘And Mo’Nique said, and then you take an “umm.”’ What can I do that a skinny girl can’t? I can keep my husband warm in January with no blanket. That’s the soft side of it.

Meeting a childhood hero can be tricky. What if they’re not nice? Cold? Even … weird?

Well, I would have been disappointed if the latter weren’t true, considering I was meeting king of parody music videos, “Weird Al” Yankovic.

Back in the mid-’90s, I took my pal, James Hallar, backstage at the American Theatre in St. Louis to interview the “My Bologna” dude, and while Al was more restrained than his on-screen persona, he was plenty funny—and weird.

Odder still were the remarks we heard while waiting for Al to appear. “Mr. Finkelstein doesn’t like this. Mr. Finkelstein doesn’t like that.” Years later, Al admitted that he stays in hotels sometimes under the name Leroy Finkelstein, so he doesn’t get woken at 2 a.m. being accused of being the “‘Eat It’ guy.”

Corey: James’ dad, here, plays a mean accordion, also. Are you any relation to polka king Frankie Yankovic?

“
Weird Al”: No, we are not, but we send each other Christmas cards every year.

Corey: How much preparation goes into making your hair look like, well, that?

“
Weird Al”: It's naturally bad hair, not permed.

Corey: What were you like as a kid? Were you “Weird” from the get-go?

“
Weird Al”: I was pretty quiet. I actually acted more like an adult at 12 than I do now. I kept to myself. I fit the Unabomber profile. I was also valedictorian in high school, and then I got a degree in architecture (from California Polytechnic State University).

Corey: What was it like getting your first video on MTV?

“
Weird Al”: It made me instantly recognizable. People were pointing at me on the street yelling, ‘There's the “Eat it” guy!’

Corey: You had cameos in all three ‘Naked Gun’ movies where you got to work with O.J. Simpson.

“
Weird Al”: He seemed nice enough on the set. He didn't try to kill anybody at the time.

Corey: What does the future hold for ‘Weird Al’?

“
Weird Al”: I never thought my career would last this long. I guess I'll do albums for as long as people can stand them.

About a dozen years later, I caught up with Yankovic, this time when he was headlining the Illinois State Fair in Springfield.

Corey: You’re doing both a theatre show and a state fair concert this week. How do they compare?

“
Weird Al”: Well, with theatre audiences, you don’t smell corndogs through the whole show. That’s the main difference.

Corey: How do you feel about outdoor concerts?

“
Weird Al”: At outdoor shows you get the fresh air, and it feels a little more open. Also you get attacked by mayflies. A couple nights ago in Michigan I swallowed a number of bugs during the show. That’s not fun.

Corey: You’ve been sans facial hair for some time. Do you ever miss the ’stache?

“
Weird Al”: Um, not so much. Some hardcore fans are still traumatized that I changed my look 10 years ago. Someone asked me, ‘Do your fans prefer classic Al or new Al?’ I don’t know; we’ll have to have an Internet poll.

Corey: You have many classic music videos, but I imagine it’s tougher to make them these days.

“
Weird Al”: Music video budgets have shrunk. You may have heard this: the music industry’s in trouble.

People are trying to figure out how to do videos cheaply. Everyone is trying to figure out how to do the new OK Go concept for the treadmill video. That’s a brilliant example for a great video for next to no money. Even I’m looking for that now. You don’t see as many videos put out by rap artists spend $2 million showing off their bling.

Corey: How do you keep up with who is hot to make a food parody out of their songs?

“
Weird Al”: I surf around the Internet a lot. The Internet’s sort of like the new MTV.

Corey: What trends have you noticed lately?

“
Weird Al”: Viking music is real big in parts of the country right now. I’m following that closely.

Corey: How often do you get the ‘Fat’ suit cleaned that you wear on tour?

“
Weird Al”: That’s a good question for my wardrobe mistress. I can’t imagine sending it to a dry cleaning shop too often. Maybe they do a topical cleaning solution?

Corey: What does it smell like after you’ve worn it on stage?

“
Weird Al”: By that point in show I’m so stinky I couldn’t tell you what the suit smells like.

Corey: What’s the last thing you bought on eBay?

“
Weird Al”: A floaty pen for my wife. She likes them for some reason. She wanted a floaty pen with a North American buffalo. It took me a year to find one. I got her one for her birthday.

Corey: Do you have a lot of pets?

“
Weird Al”: We just have a cockatiel.

Corey: What is your favorite guilty food?

“
Weird Al”: Baby seals.

Corey: How do you like them prepared?

“
Weird Al”: Just raw.

Corey: What was the first concert you attended?

“
Weird Al”: Elton John in my early teens.

Corey: Are you doing anything special for the 20th anniversary of your movie ‘UHF’ next year?

“
Weird Al”: I’m doing everything on the 19th. I’m not that big a fan of even numbers. Nineteen is a good prime number. There’s a big celebration tonight. I’m gonna eat all the guacamole backstage and maybe light a candle.

Corey: I imagine you’ve gotten to meet some pretty cool people over the years.

“
Weird Al”: I’ve always been a huge Beatles fan. Meeting Paul McCartney in 1984 still ranks as probably my coolest star encounter. My head is still spinning from that. The fact he knew who I was just blew my mind.

Corey: You’ve been entertaining three generations of teenage boys for the last 25 years without using porn. What’s the secret?