Kickass Anthology (14 page)

“Oh. Well, of course it’s going to get worse.” When Fin glared at him, Jay hurried to add, “It has to, because by the time the marathon rolls around, you’ll have run more than twice the distance you can run now. That’s a big deal, babe, and one not many people can claim.”

“I don’t care about bragging rights, Jay.”

“No, but you do care about being with me,” he replied while massaging Fin’s quads to give him a little relief.

“You would dump me if I quit training for the marathon?” Fin’s jaw fell slack.
No, no, no!
Ohmygodohmygodohmygod…

“No! Of course not. That’s not what I meant. I love you, Fin.” Jay swept his hand through his jet-black hair and released a long, controlled breath. “I meant, could you live with yourself after quitting this just because it’s hard and still be happy living with a person who helps people achieve their fitness goals?”

Fin gave that serious thought. “Probably not,” he admitted.

“I told you I wouldn’t let you quit or fail. I mean to keep my word, but I can’t force you to do something you don’t want to do. If you’re truly done with all this, then I guess that’s that.”

He rose, walked back to the road, and jogged away, leaving Fin momentarily speechless. He found his voice before Jay got too far away and yelled at his retreating back, “Wait a minute! Jay! What about us?”

“What about us?” he called back, jogging in place.

Feeling like a spaz, Fin waved him back. Looking into Jay’s beautiful blue eyes, he asked, “What happens to us if I stop training?”

“Training for this marathon is something we’re doing together, but our relationship doesn’t depend on it. If you quit, nothing changes between us. We’ll let things play out organically.”

“Don’t say that,” he whispered.
Without him holding us together – holding
me
together – I’ll fuck everything up, and I’ll lose the best thing that’s ever happened to me.

“Stop that negative self-talk right now,” Jay commanded, getting down on Fin’s level and taking his face in his strong hands. “I know where your head went just now. You are not a fuck-up, Fin. You are amazing, talented, hard-working, determined, devoted, sexy, and funny. You love with your whole heart. I have been so blessed these last few months with you. Marathon or not, your life has value and meaning. Don’t you dare fool yourself into thinking that you are anything less.”

Fin gulped, blinking back the tears welling in his eyes. Jay could read him like an open large-print book. He hadn’t yet decided if that was a good or bad thing. “Thank you,” he whispered, voice hoarse, as his lips met Jay’s in a gentle kiss.
God, how I needed that. Twelve miles is a long time to go without being kissed or touched.
He scrubbed his face with his t-shirt and took a deep breath before coming clean. “Okay, maybe I was being a little dramatic.”

“Just a little, huh?”

He caught a flash of sparkling white teeth as he glanced at Jay, and he mimicked the grin for a second or two. “Yeah. This is so much harder than I ever imagined. Everything hurts, Jay. I just don’t know if I’ll be able to keep up this pace.”

“It doesn’t have to be this marathon, babe. There will be others. We can ease up the pace of training and set a goal for a different – ”

Shaking his head, Fin cut him off. “No, it has to be this one. Don’t ask me why. I really don’t know.”

Lacing their fingers together, Jay propped himself up on one arm as he leaned back in the grass with a furrowed brow. Fin remained silent, letting his analytical mind work. After a few minutes of consideration, he mused, “You weren’t a dedicated runner before. Maybe going into such an intense training program so quickly was a bad idea.”

The gears in his own mind started grinding away. Fin thought back over their many conversations the last few months. He latched onto a concept that had surfaced again and again. “Is it a realistic goal?” he asked.

“What?”

“You said at the beginning of me turning my life around that we need to set realistic goals that I could actually achieve. That it would boost my self-confidence.” When Jay nodded his affirmation, Fin continued, “So is this a realistic goal or am I trying to do something that isn’t possible for me?”

“Anything is possible, Fin.”

“Smartass. I’m serious.”

Jay cocked his head to one side, eyes roaming over Fin’s face as he reconsidered. “We’ll have to be very careful. The risk of injury is greater when you start more or less inexperienced like this. We’ll have to be mindful of how your body handles the increases in distance. The half-marathon will be a good test.”

“So is it a realistic goal or not?” Fin was fidgeting now, barely able to contain himself, wanting Jay to come right out with it.
Just like ripping off a bandage. C’mon, babe! You’re killing me here!

“It will probably be the hardest thing you ever do, but it is definitely a realistic goal. You can do this, Sunshine, I have faith in you.” He stood up, not appearing to be anywhere close to as stiff as Fin felt, and ran in place for the space of several heartbeats before giving Fin a hand up as well. “I’ll be right beside you the whole way. I promise.”

The promise, while not banishing Fin’s achiness or exhaustion, did put some encouraging wind in his sails. “Then let’s do this. You and me together. That marathon won’t know what hit it.”

RACE DAY

“I don’t know why you’re so nervous, babe. You rocked the half-marathon.”

Fin rolled his eyes, still wrapped in the safe, secure bear hug of Jay’s arms. They had awoken before dawn, as was their custom, and Jay had checked the forecast on his phone. It was supposed to be great running weather, he said, unseasonably warm for late September. Fin was relieved; running his first marathon in the usual wind and chill was not high on his list of things he couldn’t wait to do.

So that worry had been struck from his mind, but he was still nervous. He didn’t
feel
ready. After spending the last several weeks tapering, or cutting back on his long runs so his body could recover for the real deal, he wasn’t sure he could make it to the finish line. The longest distance he had run at once was twenty miles, as prescribed by Jay’s training program, and a significant portion of that he had spent walking.
Where am I supposed to find the fortitude to run the other 6.2 miles?

“I don’t think it’s fair to the people who actually rocked the half-marathon for you to call what I did ‘rocking’ it.”

“You finished it. That’s what matters. You didn’t think you could do it, but you did.” Jay stretched, the muscles taut beneath soft skin, then gave a lazy yawn. He reminded Fin of a lounging lion. “The same thing will happen today with the full-length marathon. You’ll see.”

Fin ran his fingertips along Jay’s spine, one corner of his mouth curling up as gooseflesh trailed in his wake. “You have so much faith in me.”
More than I do.

“I’ve always believed in you, Fin. After you finish rocking this marathon, maybe you’ll finally believe in yourself too.”

“Kinda wish you’d stop saying that. Sets the bar pretty high,” he muttered, nuzzling into his favorite spot.

“Then let me clarify: finishing
is
rocking the marathon. All you have to do is finish. You will.” Jay grasped his chin and turned his face upwards. “I’ll make sure of it.”

Fin gave a grumpy growl in protest when Jay sat up and reached over him to pick up something on the nightstand. “It’s not time to get up yet.”

“I’m going to make breakfast,” Jay said between gulps of water. “I’ll bring it to you. Don’t get up.”

“Wasn’t planning on it.”

“I know.” He shoved the water bottle back at Fin when he brushed it aside. “Drink. I don’t want you to get dehydrated out there.”

Rolling his eyes, Fin relented and took several long swigs of the water.
As immovable as ever. Resistance is futile.
He started to pull the bottle away from his lips until a sideways glance at the expectant look on Jay’s face made him decide he really ought to drink a little more. He finished it off and handed back the empty bottle. “Slave driver. I’m gonna have to piss so much.”

“Make sure you go before we leave then, or else you’ll be stuck at the port-a-potties when the starting gun goes off,” Jay joked. It didn’t faze him that Fin didn’t find it amusing. “Bagel, oatmeal, or pancakes with fruit, babe?”

He weighed his options, but in the end he chose the same thing he always did when it was Jay’s turn to make breakfast. “Pancakes, but only if you make the walnut and blueberry bran ones that I like so much, with the homemade syrup.”

Several hours later, Fin and Jay were lined up at the start along with the other trainers from the gym. They wanted to start together even if they couldn’t keep pace with the veteran runners for long. Fin had hydrated, pissed, slathered areas prone to chafing with BodyGlide, applied sunscreen, hydrated and pissed again, stretched, and was shifting from foot to foot, impatiently waiting for the start of the race. Jay’s breakfast, familiar and comforting, had calmed his nerves somewhat. Now he was just ready to get going and end all this waiting.

“Ready to run your first marathon, Fin?” asked one of the trainers, a buff ginger affectionately nicknamed Red.

“As ready as I’ll ever be.”

“Hope you slathered on plenty of sunscreen,” Jay teased, squinting at the already bright sun above the horizon.

Red laughed it off, used to Jay’s antics. He turned back to Fin and grinned. “Heard you got lots of sponsors for the marathon. Motivation to finish, right?”

“Most of the sponsorships came from the gym – members, trainers, even the owner. And I heard – ” he threw a side-eyed glare at Jay “ – there was a pool going for how far people are betting I’ll make it. Apparently not many people think I’ll finish.” He rolled his eyes at the innocent whistling act. “I’m sure the boyfriend knew nothing about that at all. Yeah, plenty of motivation.”

“We’re just running to finish, though.” Jay threw an arm around Fin’s shoulders. “We’ll leave racing the clock to you old-timers.”

The hearty laughter around their small circle lightened Fin’s mood, and the pressure of Jay’s arm squeezing his shoulders helped him get a handle on his nervous energy.
I’ll be needing all of that I can get later.

“You must really be something special,” one of the other trainers remarked. “We’ve been trying to talk Jay into a marathon for years.”

Jay’s response and his pearly-white smile had Fin grinning as well. “He’s my Sunshine. What can I say?”

The atmosphere was exhilarating. The other racers and the crowd had an infectious energy, and Fin was pumped full of anticipation. When the signal to start sounded, he was chomping at the bit to go, go, go. It was only Jay’s hand on his arm that kept him from sprinting away from the starting line.
Steady pace, Sunshine. Gotta save some get-up-and-go for later,
Fin reminded himself, recalling his training and all the advice – both solicited and not – he had received from experienced marathoners. Better to keep a steady, comfortable pace throughout the race instead of sprinting first and running out of steam later. Especially since Jay had forbidden him to even think about watching the clock.

There was one thing that stuck out in his mind more than anything else. It was a confession Mort had made during a shared cycling class. “I tried running a marathon once. I made it twenty-four miles, and towards the end, I felt like I was clawing the ground to keep dragging myself forward instead of running. I quit. Now I look back and wonder if I could have made it to the finish line if I hadn’t given up.”

I don’t want that to be my story. I won’t quit. I
will
finish.

Their group ran the first several miles together, and the bantering between all the trainers kept a smile on Fin’s face.
This is fantastic! Why was I so nervous?
He loved watching Jay joke around with his colleagues in a way he rarely got a chance to witness at the gym. Red was especially sharp; he and Jay shot jabs back and forth so quickly Fin had trouble following the conversation a time or two. It was amazing and Jay was happy, which was all that mattered.

Around Mile 4, Red spoke up. “I’m feeling really good, guys. I think I’m going to pick up the pace a little. Anybody else game?”

Fin shot a glance at Jay as the other trainers chimed in. Jay gave a minute shake of his head, and Fin tried his best to hide his disappointment. “No thanks, we’re good.”
Hope I pulled off that fake smile.

“Good luck, you two,” Red said with a nod. “You can do it. Just keep your focus on the finish line.”

Jay waved as the group slowly moved ahead of them, then he gave Fin’s shoulder a little nudge. “Talk to me, babe. What’s wrong?”

So much for pulling off a fake smile.
Fin looked over at the cheering spectators on the sidelines, not wanting to meet his gaze. “I wanted to go with them, that’s all. They were fun to be around.”

“They were fun to be around. Hard to feel down when Red is making jokes about jockstraps, right?”

A laugh burst out of him before he could stop it. “I’ll never look at jockstraps the same way again.”