Keeping Your Cool…When Your Anger Is Hot!: Practical Steps to Temper Fiery Emotions (38 page)

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Authors: June Hunt

BOOK: Keeping Your Cool…When Your Anger Is Hot!: Practical Steps to Temper Fiery Emotions
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Lessons Learned in the Furnace
God taught me four practical points concerning the need to
act
rather than
react
since my experiences with Meg and Paula:
1. Anger is
not
a sin. What you do in response to anger determines whether you are sinning or not.
2. There are four causes of anger: hurt, injustice, fear, and frustration. Or, you can experience a combination of two, three, or all four causes simultaneously.
3. There are healthy ways to deal with anger. Ask, “Can I change it?” If so, change it. If not, release it to the Lord.
4. When you find yourself becoming angry, pray, “Lord, teach me to act rather than react.”
When I’ve been hurt, frustrated, or angry, I’ve asked questions like, “Why has this happened? It makes no sense! How on earth did I get here?!” These questions are understandable; we
want
life to make sense. And usually after a period of time we can see some genuine benefit from being in the furnace of affliction. The Lord says, “See, I have refined you, though not as silver; I have tested you in the furnace of affliction” (Isaiah 48:10).
Of course, there are also those times when we feel the heat rising, and then—as the old saying goes—we jump from the frying pan into the fire! Obviously, such a jump only makes matters worse. Remember, God will use heat to be helpful and pain to be purposeful.
Years ago, I found a picture in both the Old and New Testaments that helped me—more than anything else—to make sense of my personal pain.
The Bible says of God, “He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver,”
2
and He sees us as unrefined silver. As our Refiner, He first places us into a crucible, then puts the crucible into the furnace—the furnace of affliction—not to punish us, but to purify us.
In a parallel way, God saw me as rough ore that needed much refining. By putting pressure on me through my experiences with Meg and Paula, I became finely ground so that He could fit me into His crucible. Of course, I was totally unaware of all the impurities within me—impurities that took a long time for me to see.
Not long after this “visit” in the furnace when Meg distanced herself from me, the Refiner reheated the furnace to His desired temperature and put me back in the crucible. I was in the sweltering furnace and I definitely wanted out, but instead, the Refiner wanted the dross out.
After the impure silver (the impure me) took on a liquid form, the Refiner removed the crucible from the furnace and skimmed off the dross (the impurities I really did want removed!). Then the Refiner slipped the crucible back in the furnace and raised the temperature. Why? Because certain impurities are released only at certain temperatures, and it took that card—with its caustic message—to bring to the surface the dross deeply embedded in me.
Every silversmith in ancient times knew that purity was never achieved after just one firing in the furnace. The refining of the silver could be repeated up to seven times. Interestingly, the Bible even says, “The words of the LORD are flawless, like silver refined in a furnace of clay, purified seven times” (Psalm 12:6). The silversmith is never satisfied until he sees his image clearly reflected in the molten metal before him.
The dross I didn’t see was my being too dependent on Meg—assuming she was “essential” to my life—and my deep fear of being abandoned. With the dross removed, I saw that my deepest dependence needed to always be on Jesus, and that He would never abandon me. The Bible promises, “The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.”
3
What assurance, what comfort!
Anger Hits Home, Relatively Speaking
There would be more for me to learn about how to deal with anger, especially anger directed
toward me
. The image the Master Refiner saw in my crucible must have still been muddy. So, exit Meg and enter “Peg” for another bout in the blazing heat.
Peg is an endearing relative I didn’t know well while I was growing up because she was raised in another state. But when she moved to Dallas, we became instant friends. The bond between us was especially close because we are related—plus, we loved being together as “friends.” Through Peg, God showed me how He could bring both healing and wholeness…but only after anger in a relationship is recognized and resolved.
When Peg and I began spending time together, we got involved in numerous projects, played games, and “problem-solved”—anything and everything.
Growing Concerns
However, despite Peg’s many wonderful qualities, she was, at times, controlling. Given my tendency to be an
anger avoider
and my “need” to be a
peace-at-all-costs person,
I often allowed her to control
me
. Periodically she would accuse me of having motives that I had never even considered.
Don’t let another person’s problem become your problem.
Sometimes Peg would call me on the phone and start yelling at me. On one occasion, I was a guest speaker at a conference in Kansas. I was summoned from the hotel ballroom to a kitchen phone. After I said “Hello,” Peg began yelling accusations. No matter what my explanation, she refused to accept the truth. I was left stymied and stunned. And that was just one of many calls.
Increasingly, Peg became disrespectful. Several people revealed negative comments she had made about me. A few people asked, “June, why do you take it? Why don’t you stand up for yourself? You shouldn’t let her control you.” Hard as it was for me to admit, they were right (but, I thought I had no choice).
For the sake of preserving the relationship, and thereby practicing peace at any price, I was really
caretaking
. I shielded Peg from the truth about her behavior; I also fooled myself into thinking I wasn’t really angry. Then, believe it or not, the studying, writing, and teaching I was doing on verbal and emotional abuse helped me see I was simply perpetuating unhealthy patterns learned from my past.
Building Boundaries
When Peg acted angrily toward me, I knew I needed to get my brain in gear by guarding my thoughts and emotions. I developed the following three-step process:
1.
I prayed for God’s protection.
Psalm 141:3 says, “Set a guard over my mouth, O LORD; keep watch over the door of my lips.” I submitted my mouth to the Refiner.
2.
I corrected my thinking
by saying to myself, not her, “She has a problem. I’m not going to let her problem be my problem.” I submitted my mind to the Refiner.
3.
I set boundaries
with a
repercussion
and a
reward.
I submitted my will to the Refiner.
I had always been intimidated by anger, afraid of being abandoned, and distrusting of God’s promise to meet my emotional needs (deeply embedded impurities only the Refiner could see). These were difficult truths to swallow, but I was committed to being a person of integrity and to becoming the person God created me to be. How well I remember establishing my first boundary with Peg. I laid down the groundwork with these words (and I’ve included her basic responses):
• “Do you want us to have the best relationship possible?”
(“Yes.”)
• “Do you believe that we are truly encouraging one another?”
(“No.”)
• “In a close relationship both people should be better because of each other. Do you agree?”
(“Yes, I do.”)
• “Peg, I value our friendship and want us to encourage one another. But when anger explodes, it hurts both of us.”
(“I agree.”)
• “I don’t want to fear you; I want to enjoy you. So, in the future, if either one of us has destructive anger, we need to step back and part from one another for a while so that the anger doesn’t damage our relationship further.”
Peg said she understood, but of course, the boundary hadn’t yet been tested. I knew that the next time we related negatively, it would be best for us to distance ourselves for awhile. And that day came within a week.
On that day, I arrived at Peg’s home—30 minutes later than planned because of an important phone call—and as soon as she saw me she began yelling, “Where have you been?!”
When Peg’s temper flared, I followed my previously prepared plan of action. (I had repeatedly rehearsed each point until I could confidently and calmly communicate each one.) I reminded her of our previous agreement, but she kept up her angry criticism.
Instead of
talking
with me, Peg exploded onto me,
telling
me what I was thinking, which wasn’t even close to the truth. She continued for several minutes, and I thought,
No more.
Holding up my hand (palm toward her), I said, “Stop!” To my astonishment, she did—she stopped!
Speaking slowly in a low voice I said, “Obviously now is not a good time for us to be together.” Again, slow and low, I said, “I’m going to leave.”
Surprised, Peg said, “You can’t leave.”
I responded, “This conversation isn’t encouraging either of us, so I need to leave. Later on we can try again.” When I returned home, I used my time productively. (Actually, I was amazed that I had set a boundary and kept it!)
Disengage from Rage
Now, whenever I sense self-control giving way to irrational anger—whether in me or in others—I know it’s time to put on the brakes, call a truce, and take a time-out. Heated conversations will only escalate unless we do something to intervene in the process. Here’s what I do:
•
I hold up my hands to indicate I am “surrendering”
for the time being by calling a halt to what is taking place.
—“Stop! Time-out!”
—“Wait! We need to start over!”
•
I state slowly in a low tone of voice
(remember, “sloooow and loooow”):
—“Our conversation isn’t going in a positive direction.”
—“We won’t be able to resolve anything this way.”
•
I explain my need to disengage from the person who is angry
by taking a walk around the block, retreating to a quiet place, listening to music, taking a shower, or doing whatever I think will help me and/or the other person cool down and regain composure.
—“I’m going to leave for a while.”
—“I will be back later”…(if that’s wise).
•
I agree on a time to resume the conversation
when we can both talk calmly.
—“When is a good time for us to discuss this?”
—“Where can we meet with no distractions?”
If we reach an impasse where agreement is not possible, we can:
•
Agree to disagree by allowing different opinions
but not letting that become a problem.
—Decide to engage in stimulating conversations
where varied opinions are expressed (consider them opportunities to develop listening skills, glean insights, process opinions, and express those opinions clearly and concisely in a nonoffensive way).
—Commit to valuing and respecting
each other and growing in understanding of one another. Proverbs 18:2 says, “A fool finds no pleasure in understanding but delights in airing his own opinions.”

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