Keeping Your Cool…When Your Anger Is Hot!: Practical Steps to Temper Fiery Emotions (35 page)

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Authors: June Hunt

BOOK: Keeping Your Cool…When Your Anger Is Hot!: Practical Steps to Temper Fiery Emotions
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Fanning the Flames
Over time, when Jennifer’s fury at her father seemed to be lessening to a glowing ember, she would begin to fan her anger back into a roaring blaze by replaying her father’s vengeful words over and over again.
As Jennifer recounted her story, I couldn’t believe what I was hearing, and my heart broke for her.
Jennifer admitted her struggle with the famous fifth commandment in the Bible: “Honor your father…” How could she possibly honor her father when he had been so cold, so callous, so cruel? If she ever let go of what was certainly
justified
anger, she would be left with piercing pain.
Jennifer then shared how she began sifting through the ashes and slowly examining the situation from her father’s point of view—his grief over the loss of his precious mother, his hurt and disappointment in Jennifer, and probably his disappointment in himself.
God gives us the power to be assertive without being aggressive, resolute without seeking revenge.
Of course, none of these things justified what Jennifer’s father had done or how coldly he had said it. But Jennifer could remember seeing her father lash out many times, striking the first blow before someone else could hurt him. She knew that was how he defended his heart.
“Regardless of how he acted, I knew I was responsible for my own actions, and I knew I needed to forgive my dad—for my own sake as much as his. Only by releasing my dad and relinquishing my anger could I
realize
freedom from the festering wound… the tension and the tears.”
Slowly, God’s grace began to soften Jennifer until she was able to forgive her dad, and herself. By doing so, she was able to re-establish a relationship with her father, honoring him because she chose to obey her heavenly Father.
They never discussed the time surrounding Gammy’s death, but when he died ten years later, Jennifer felt genuine grief, sorrow, and pain—without remorse, recriminations, or regrets.
Jennifer’s story encourages us that we can work through our anger. It’s a process whereby we can find true freedom when we relinquish our hurts and release those who hurt us.
When we are drawn into anger-inducing situations, we need not be at the mercy of our emotions. There is no need for impulsive, knee-jerk responses. God gives us the power to be assertive without being aggressive, resolute without seeking revenge.
When you are angry, does reason rule, or do tense emotions take charge? Do you allow the mind of Christ within you to determine how you should act, making a choice that leads to
appropriate action
, or do you give a hasty response that leads to an
inappropriate reaction
?
If you have never evaluated what happens when you feel angry, or if you lack insight as to how others perceive you when you are angry, seek God’s wisdom and understanding. The writer of Proverbs tells us:
“If you call out for insight and cry aloud for understanding, and if you look for it as for silver and search for it as for hidden treasure, then you will understand the fear of the LORD and find the knowledge of God. For the LORD gives wisdom, and from his mouth come knowledge and understanding”
(PROVERBS 2:3-6).
How can we learn to act (with conviction, clarity, and confidence) rather than react (out of compulsion, confusion, and callousness)? The first step is to simply recognize that reacting is not likely to produce a helpful outcome. In fact, it will probably make matters worse. Acting, on the other hand, helps us achieve positive, godly results. Consider Darren, a man quite transparent about his anger and eager for transformation.
The Proverbs Project
On a Friday years ago, I traveled to Orlando, Florida, for a week of speaking and media engagements. I felt blessed to stay in the home of an exceptional couple, Darren and Diana, along with their teenage daughter, Tina. I’ve never felt more warmly welcomed and included.
On Monday morning, I sat at the kitchen table with Diana, sharing how much I admired Darren.
“He’s wonderful—a totally trustworthy husband,” she said. Then she confided, “But for as long as I’ve known him—26 years—he’s had an anger problem. It really concerns me.”
I listened empathetically and nodded. Then Diana quickly moved on to other topics.
On Tuesday afternoon, I chatted with Tina about her senior year, her high school graduation, and her plans for college. Then the conversation came around to her parents. She shared how supportive they were. But then she leaned in close and whispered, “I love my dad so much. I just wish he didn’t have such a bad temper.”
I was surprised she brought this up—unprompted. I had not mentioned anything her mom had shared.
Then on Wednesday night, Darren said, “I know you’ve got a television appearance in West Palm Beach on Friday. I have some business I could do in West Palm, if you’d like for me to drive you.”
“That’s wonderful!” I exclaimed.
So Friday morning, during our three-hour trek, Darren and I discussed his business, his heart for God, and bits and pieces about his background.
After a couple hours of conversation, he apparently felt comfortable enough to interject, “June, there’s a problem I’ve struggled with for a long time. I’ve never figured out how to control my anger. No matter how hard I try, I just keep failing. Do you have any ideas?”
Impressed at his authenticity and humility, I offered, “Would you be willing to do a project for a month? Just read the thirty-one chapters of Proverbs, one chapter a day for a month. Begin with the first chapter, reading slowly so the words will sink into your mind and heart. Each day, write down any verses about anger or speech or attitude. When you’re finished,” I explained, “review the verses you’ve written and ask the Lord what He wants you to learn from them.”
Darren agreed to undertake the Proverbs Project, as we called it.
The next day, I returned to Dallas.
Eight weeks later I received a note from Darren stating, “Every morning after breakfast, Diana and I read a chapter in Proverbs. At first I thought,
Why did you give me this project? Nothing I’ve read has anything to do with anger.
But later, I saw what I needed to see. I needed a
new me.
I did what you suggested—I completed the Proverbs Project.
“When I read all the verses that show what an angry man looks like, I was overwhelmed by the image of the person I
did not
want to become—someone who stirs up strife and dissension, someone people should avoid. I knew I needed to change. Well, now the Lord is changing me!”
A short time later, I had dinner with Darren and Diana, who had come to Dallas on business. What a joy! Diana quickly confirmed, “It’s made all the difference in the world!”
I was so grateful to God.
Since that time, I have “prescribed” the Proverbs Project to many a struggler. This exercise is usually not a cure-all—not a quick fix—but it provides the motivation to cooperate with God, the motivation to let Him change anyone who is willing. The Bible says, “The one who calls you is faithful and he will do it” (1 Thessalonians 5:24).
How to Head Off Anger at the Pass
If you ever watched those old black-and-white Westerns on television, you probably remember the phrase uttered frequently by the good guys: “Let’s head ’em off at the pass.” That meant they were determined to arrive at a strategic point before the bad guys so they could thwart any villainous plans.
Well, determining to act rather than react is the same thing: We
anticipate
what might happen when we get angry, and we
plan ahead
to keep things from getting out of hand. We prepare ahead of time for “quenching the coals” of heated episodes and therefore limit the potential destruction.
Let me offer four ways we can head off our anger at the pass:
1. Identify Your Triggers
All of us have certain situations that trigger our anger. Although a lot of things in life can make us mad, each of us has certain “recurring themes” when it comes to being provoked. That is, our anger episodes are usually caused by the same triggers over and over. Analyzing your anger patterns can help move you from subjectivity to objectivity, from being controlled by anger to benefiting from it.
To identify your triggers, ask yourself the following questions:
• We learned earlier that there are four sources of anger (hurt, injustice, fear, frustration). Is there one that tends to provoke your anger more than the others?
• When you review your recent anger episodes, does a pattern emerge?
• What painful issues from your past, especially from childhood, stir up present-day emotions? What experiences from back
then
inflame anger here and
now
?
• Are there certain environments that seem to “conduct” your anger energy more than others (the workplace, family gettogethers, competitive events, neighborhood gatherings)?
• Is there a certain type of personality that tends to push your buttons (loud and bossy, quiet and conniving, syrupy sweet)? Why do you think this is so?
• If you could label the kinds of things that make you mad, what would they be? Think of at least three or four of the most prominent ones for you (such as disrespect, manipulation, dishonesty, sarcasm, irresponsibility).
By thinking through these questions, you can gain insight into what activates your anger. By identifying the triggers, you can be proactive in dealing with them.
As for me, two situations in particular tend to accelerate my adrenaline and agitate my anger.
First, I have difficulty with arrogant people who put others down through belittling comments. A haughty attitude smacks of a prideful spirit and heats up my temper! I tend to think puffed-up people need deflating, and I have to be careful not to be the nail that lets the air out of them. When I’m around men and women like this, I remain vigilant to keep my emotions in check. I purposely pray that God would change their hearts and ways, and meet the needs they are seeking to meet in their own strength.
Second, I become incensed when people are taken advantage of—particularly when it’s done in the name of God or Christianity.
Recently I got a call from Alice, a young woman who is a new believer and susceptible to misguided teaching. Unfortunately, she had been attending a church that promotes what I call the prosperity gospel, or name-it-claim-it theology.
Though Alice earns only a modest income and is struggling to get out of debt, her pastor and his wife had been urging everyone in the congregation to “demonstrate their faith” by digging deeper and giving more to support “the Lord’s work. Just give all your money, and God is sure to bless you materially tenfold.”
Imagine my outrage at learning that Alice’s pastor had embarrassed her in front of the entire congregation by announcing that her reluctance to donate her retirement account constituted sinful selfishness. Alice reluctantly handed over the funds. But she remained confused about why the pastor and his wife both drove Jaguars, dressed ostentatiously, and owned several vacation homes.
While I didn’t know what was in the hearts of this pastor and his wife, I did know Alice’s faith was fragile and that her growth could be stunted by her exposure to unscrupulous leaders and unscriptural teaching. It made me mad to even think this dear person might have been swindled. I think I probably felt much like Jesus must have felt when He drove the thieves and swindlers out of the temple. Even Jesus had a strong reaction at times, a righteous indignation in response to hypocrisy and dishonesty.

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