Keeping Your Cool…When Your Anger Is Hot!: Practical Steps to Temper Fiery Emotions (37 page)

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Authors: June Hunt

BOOK: Keeping Your Cool…When Your Anger Is Hot!: Practical Steps to Temper Fiery Emotions
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17
THE REFINER’S FIRE
How to Respond to Blowups by Setting Boundaries
“You, O God, tested us;
you refined us like silver”
(PSALM 66:10).

 

THE SETTING: JERUSALEM. The time: 1000 B.C.
Silas the silversmith closely examines the rough ore before him—silver tainted with zinc, copper, and tin. He anticipates the amazing change soon to take place—taking a chunk of rock with little or no value and transforming it into the purest silver. Silas is a superb crafts-man, skilled at separating the impurities from the silver, skilled at surfacing dross and removing it.
Silas knows it will take heat—varying degrees of intense heat—to purge the dross from the silver. This purification process will forever change the composition of the rough rock. But first he must hammer it, break it, and grind it so that he can place it in a crucible.
His clay crucible—the impenetrable pot that withstands the highest degrees of heat—is placed over a fire. The ore melts, and a layer of dross forms on the surface. Patiently, Silas waits and watches…then skims off the impurities. Eventually, he looks down into the pot and gazes upon a dim image—his own image—yet still a dull reflection. The liquefied mass still lacks purity. So after raising the heat even higher, the refiner carefully places the crucible back into the blistering furnace.
It’s a process the expert silversmith will repeat as he doggedly determines to remove all the dross. Silas knows the refining is completely finished when he sees a clear image, a perfect reflection of himself, in the molten ore. This will signify the silver has attained the highest degree of purity possible.
Like the silversmiths of old, God is a Master Refiner. In Jeremiah 9:7 we read, “The LORD Almighty says: ‘See, I will refine and test them.’” But it’s His children, not chunks of ore, that He seeks to purify. And there is a distinct image He too is yearning to see. Only after spending considerable time
in the crucible—
only after the Refiner continues to remove our dross—can we be purified. He loves to look upon us and see a clearer reflection—a shining reflection of Christ.
My personal experiences in the crucible have been hot and hard—but also helpful, and even more so, healing.
Finding Faulty Thinking
When it comes to getting angry—red-hot angry—it takes a
whole lot
to “light my fire.” I attribute that to spending so many years fearfully sidestepping anger—both mine and everyone else’s. People who know me say I have a long, long fuse.
Yet on one occasion some years back, my five-mile-long fuse was snipped off to five millimeters—and quickly lit. My emotions exploded. In my mind’s eye I saw bright red—crimson red, fiery red! Let me further paint the picture for you…
We can all look back and identify a few people who, in one way or another, made huge contributions to our lives. God brought them into our lives to teach us profound lessons and to refine us. They were key players He then moved from center stage into the wings, or out the exit doors of our lives.
“Meg” was one such significant person in my life. I never suspected our relationship would enter the Refiner’s fire.
Thrown together at a Christian music conference, we clicked almost immediately. Smart, talented, and superb with lyrics, Meg quickly gained my admiration and almost as quickly became a trusted confidant. She offered immense encouragement, something I sorely needed, especially at that tender time in my growth.
God had me on a fast track back then. After graduating from college with a degree in music and serving for five years as a youth director, I was unexpextedly thrust into the public spotlight. Within a two-year time frame, I had appeared on NBC’s
Today Show,
been a guest soloist for televised Billy Graham crusades, and performed with the USO on multiple overseas military bases.
Naturally, as a result of all that public exposure, I was flooded with hundreds of invitations to sing and to speak for all kinds of gatherings. Meg instantly became essential to my life—at least that’s how I felt at the time.
My friend encouraged me musically. Occasionally I would say, “I wish I could find a song with just the right words for this situation.” I’ll never forget the day she said, “If you can’t find it, why not write it?” I responded, “Well…at least I can try.”
So, with classical guitar in hand and favorite chord progressions, I did just that. I wrote certain songs for certain purposes, and was surprised with the outcome. Meg simply smiled as if to say, “I knew you could do it.”
As a side note, two of the songs I wrote at that time later became the theme songs for our ministry’s two radio programs,
Hope for the Heart
and
Hope in the Night
.
The Lord especially used Meg to help me recognize some of the faulty thinking I developed during my early years of emotional pain. Naturally, I thought “my normal” was everyone’s “normal”—I knew nothing else. Over time, she persistently pointed out the problems “my normal” was producing in various relationships and helped me replace some of my wrong beliefs with healthier ways of living life. Needless to say, I was developing a greater and greater appreciation for Meg… and dependence upon her.
As the months went by, we spent more and more time together brainstorming and planning. We talked openly, sharing our struggles, experiences, and aspirations. We often prayed together, asking God for His blessing. We were riding a wave of enthusiasm, clinging to high hopes and close-knit hearts.
Or so it seemed…
Poising the well
One day Meg suggested we employ “Paula,” who was young, bright, and gifted—a woman whose talents I truly admired. The pair had worked together on several projects with excellent results. However, I was surprised at the suggestion and somewhat skeptical. Paula so resented my friendship with Meg that she had given me the silent treatment for the previous two years.
During that time, I was respectful, friendly, and thoughtful toward Paula—but nothing helped. So I decided to try a more direct approach. I told Paula I sensed a barrier between us and asked if I’d done something to offend her. “No,” she replied. Then she paused and abruptly added, “June, you need to realize not everyone likes you.” Her cold words cut into my heart like a laser beam.
So now, fast forward a few years. Here was Paula showering assurances of loyalty to both of us
.
In truth, I knew Paula could do a great job—plus Meg really wanted her on board. So hesitantly I agreed to the arrangement, and for well over a year everything ran smoothly.
Then I began to sense Meg distancing herself from me. Several times I asked about it, but each time she brushed my concern aside. I struggled to put the pieces together.
On numerous occasions, Meg would become uncharacteristically abrupt, curt, angry. I couldn’t understand it. She had been so supportive. I felt I was helplessly watching the warm fire of friendship fade to a glimmer. I was heartbroken.
At the same time, I knew I hadn’t been a perfect friend. And for the sake of fairness, I must admit I, too, had made many mistakes. How deeply I regretted my failures—failing to be the friend I
could
have been, the friend I
should
have been.
Nevertheless, I was mystified; I couldn’t understand.
What had happened? What had changed her?
I was confused. I didn’t realize the Master Refiner had placed me in the crucible and suspended me over a fire.
One day as Paula was talking with me, a startling realization hit me. Finally, I saw what had been happening to my heart-connection with Meg. All the negative phrases I’d been hearing—uncharacteristically—from her, I now heard coming from Paula’s lips. Suddenly I thought, “So
that’s
where Meg’s getting it.”
To my way of thinking, there had obviously been a “poisoning of the well.” I believe my unsuspecting friend had been drinking Paula’s poison, which was now threatening to destroy my friendship with Meg.
Two months later, Paula came to me and said, very directly, “I want you to know I’m really supportive of your friendship with Meg. I want what is best for both of you. I know there has been a strain between the two of you, but I want your relationship healed.”
At that moment, I felt so grateful, so relieved. Her words of affirmation—so meaningful—were spoken at Meg’s home after the three of us had completed one of our marathon work sessions.
The Card that Caused a Kaboom
Meg and Paula then left to pick up a late dinner. I stayed behind to finish writing the promotional copy for an upcoming retreat. After making a few copies, I walked back to the large shared office area. Rather than going to my desk for paper clips, I stopped at Meg’s, which was closer to the copier.
When I opened Meg’s desk drawer I noticed Paula’s handwriting on a card she had given to Meg. Like a magnet, my eyes fell upon
my name
, then fixated on one line: “We don’t need any more June Hunts in this world.” This was the match that lit my fuse—and ignited a powder keg of emotion.
I was stunned…hurt…and
very
,
very angry
. Just an hour earlier—
just one hour—
Paula had looked straight into my eyes and declared, “June, I’m really
for
you. I want to
help
you. I want to
support
you and your relationship with Meg.”
To this day, the words on that card have remained seared into my mind as if impressed upon it with a hot branding iron. I felt utterly manipulated and deceived, maligned and betrayed.
Fury coursed through my body, my anger pulsated, adrenaline pumped through my veins. My cheeks were hot, my heart inflamed. I knew if I didn’t find a way to bring down the temperature of my boiling anger, I would explode at my “friend.”
To prevent saying what I would later regret, I needed to leave
—immediately!
To prevent saying what I would later regret, I needed to leave
—immediately!
I have to get out of here!
I thought,
Jogging will release all this steam and cool me down.
Abruptly gathering my things, I scribbled a note to Meg that something had come up and I had to leave. Then I bolted out the door.
As soon as I returned to my home, I laced up my running shoes—tighter than normal—and hurried outside. I was ready to “run off” my rage. (At that time, I customarily did a two-mile trek—a run-walk-run routine.)
A few minutes into my run, I noticed my arms swinging higher than normal—intensely, vigorously, aggressively. I remember thinking,
How unusual!
However, even after 20 minutes of running,
I felt no relief
. I had expected the physical exertion to be my anger-reducer—like the valve that releases the steam inside a pressure cooker. But it didn’t work. My valve seemed to be stuck! In fact, the longer I jogged, the more pressure I felt.
From Rehearsal to Reversal
Soon I realized
why
there was no relief. The Bible makes it clear, “Love…keeps no record of wrongs.”
1
Keeps no record! That’s the very thing—the
only
thing I had been doing! Over and over, I had been rehearsing how much I had been wronged, how much I had been betrayed.
And the more I did it, the more difficult it became
not
to do it. This much was certain: All that “rehearsing” wasn’t helping! The fire roaring inside me continued to rage. And no wonder—you can’t put out a fire by continuing to fuel it!
I remember thinking,
I’ve got to do something else! Lord, teach me to
act
rather than
react
.
I repeated those words again and again. Soon I was rhythmically praying, right in sync with my running stride, over and over: “Teach me to act rather than react…teach me to act rather than react.”
By the end of my hour-long jog, my pounding heart was finally at peace. I was no longer controlled by the debilitating sense of betrayal. Of course, the initial problem had yet to be confronted, but that night I successfully released all my anger to the Lord.
The next day, when I confronted Meg about the note from Paula, I have to admit my anger was sparked again. But this time I was able to control the fire, rather than let the fire control me. I was not consumed by its explosive heat as I had been the night before.
At the time, the intensity of my initial anger shocked me—it was unusual for me to get
so
angry
so
fast. In retrospect, I realize I had experienced the four sources of anger (hurt, injustice, fear, frustration)—not just one at a time, but all four at once! Although it was Paula who undermined me on that card, I had to face the fact that it was my close friend, Meg, who chose to keep Paula’s card rather than discard it. As I think back on it:
• I felt
hurt
that someone so dear to me was becoming distant from me.
• I felt
injustice
over the betrayal of one who promised loyalty.
• I felt
fearful
of losing such a significant person in my life.
• I felt
frustrated
knowing I could do nothing about it.
When you find yourself becoming angry, pray, “Lord, teach me to act rather than react.”
Although the Lord eventually moved Meg out of my life, He used this experience in His refining fire to remove more of my dross. He intended to purify me, and this wouldn’t be the last time I would be found in the Refiner’s fire.
Yet ever since that day, when I feel a strong surge of anger,
if—
and I do mean
if—
I sincerely pray, “Lord, teach me to act rather than react,” God gives me the wisdom to carefully weigh my words and to speak with self-control.
And my heart is soon at peace.

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