Keeping Your Cool…When Your Anger Is Hot!: Practical Steps to Temper Fiery Emotions (12 page)

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Authors: June Hunt

BOOK: Keeping Your Cool…When Your Anger Is Hot!: Practical Steps to Temper Fiery Emotions
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5. Sweeteners: “Thanks for being there…when I needed you here!”
The writer of Proverbs tells us “a gentle answer turns away wrath.”
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That is certainly true. But have you ever noticed that a gentle answer can also be used to
conceal
wrath? That a compliment can become a weapon?
For years, my nonconfrontational mother would say, “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.” Well, in truth sweeteners are anger-avoiders who have rewritten the adage to read, “If you can’t bring yourself to say what’s really bothering you, say something ‘nice’ instead.”
Let anger serve its rightful purpose of drawing attention to a problem that needs to be solved.
Trying to be nice when you are really angry is like camouflaging a time bomb with ribbons and bows. It looks pretty enough, and people on the receiving end have a hard time turning it down. But, in truth, the disguised explosive is meant not to delight, but to punish and wound. It is a sneaky way to lash out at someone who has made you angry while hiding behind a shield of plausible denial.
A sweetener will say, “You did a good job” when he is thinking,
You should have known not to do it this way!
Or, she will say, “I appreciate your help so much” when she is thinking,
I can’t believe you handled it that way!
Here’s the bottom line: A bomb with a pretty bow on top is still a bomb. Sooner or later, you’ll have to quit passing it off as a present and detonate or diffuse it (that is, blow up because of it or honestly talk about it). Chances are, those with whom you are in conflict aren’t fooled anyway. Why not be honest from the beginning? Why not let anger serve its rightful purpose of drawing attention to a problem that needs to be solved, rather than creating another problem to pile on top of the existing one?
6. Self-blamers: “It’s all my fault.”
Counselors who work with victims of domestic violence for any length of time get used to hearing them say, “I brought it on myself. If only I hadn’t…” You can fill in the blank with any number of perceived failings on their part as justification for the actions of abusers. These victims create endless shades of grey in any situation, whereas objective people will clearly see the stark black and white—the obvious right from wrong. And victims blame themselves rather than risk facing the fact that they are in a troubled, abusive relationship. For them, the truth must be avoided at almost all cost.
Some anger-avoiders operate the same way, even without the threat of physical violence. For them it feels far safer to plead guilty for sparking a conflict than to ever utter the words, “You hurt me. I am angry.”
These overly submissive self-blamers have been emotionally battered by angry, controlling people who consistently have found a way to successfully transfer their fault onto others. Therefore, the names in the anger bowls of the self-blamers are their
own
. After repeatedly being falsely accused and repeatedly failing to “win” their case, “Why not save a step, avoid a fight, and just succumb to the inevitable?” reasons the self-blamer.
I personally know about this type of anger avoider. For years, it seemed smarter to give in than to fight a losing battle. After all, I found that acquiescing (and sometimes admitting guilt—falsely) ended the conflict sooner and momentarily appeased my accuser. Plus, it prompted peace—but not peace within me, and not peace with God.
The truth is, taking blame that doesn’t belong to you can lead to all sorts of self-destructive beliefs and behaviors. Your anger is still there, sending the message that “there is something wrong.” However, you’ve come to believe that what’s wrong is
you.
Self-blamers label themselves as guilty, stupid, foolish, and worthless. The distorted assumptions result in low self-worth, self-rejection, and false guilt. And it can lead to eating disorders, drug and alcohol abuse, sex and pornography addictions, dependence on antidepressants, and even suicide. In other words, blaming yourself to avoid your anger—or someone else’s—becomes a dangerous, self-fulfilling prophecy.
When something happens to make you angry, do you find yourself fanning the flame of self-blame? If so, find healing for your seared emotions through the power of God’s Word:
“Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. Who is he that condemns? Christ Jesus, who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us.”
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If the Son of God Himself doesn’t condemn you, then surely it is safe to face your anger without condemning yourself. Take it to Him and see.
Once I began to see the destructive effects of self-blaming, I diligently searched the Scriptures to find out how God sees me, and then learned to line up my thinking with His. I came to understand my worth and value to Jesus and to trust His Spirit within me to use the gifts He had given me to accomplish His purpose for me.
There are many ways to avoid facing your anger—but absolutely no good reasons for doing so. Anger is energy meant to flow through us like electricity turning the motor of positive change in our lives. Sometimes it forces us to look honestly at ourselves and admit where we need work. At other times, the message is that it’s okay to stand up to unjust treatment in our relationships and to stop being a doormat for angry people.
Here’s the truth: Anger we deny or deflect will burn and leave scars on the inside—just like the damage explosive anger leaves on the outside. Freedom comes for “the fire eaters” when we let our true feelings surface and we seek to deal with them in a timely, straightforward, constructive way. With the power of the Lord, you can learn to address, not avoid, anger in your life.
Let’s face it—fire eating is no way to live!
Fire Eaters: Who Are The y Fooling?

 

Fire eaters are common attractions at circuses and sideshows. They mesmerize thrill-seekers with their life-threatening feats. Contrary to popular opinion, fire eaters don’t literally swallow or eat fire. Instead, they skillfully use their mouths to extinguish a flame.
Many assume that fire eaters coat their mouths with fireproof chemicals before displaying their death-defying craft. However, that is not the case. Another assumption is that fire eaters use “cold flames” not hot enough to burn the mouth. Wrong again!
The success of fire eaters is based on the law of physics: both hot air and flames rise upward. When a fire eater tilts his head back, takes a deep breath, opens his mouth wide, and lowers the flaming torch into his mouth, he then exhales slowly, blowing the flames upward. Nevertheless, in the course of mastering this daring art, fire eaters inevitably receive multiple burns.
One of the most critical skills of fire eaters is controlled breathing. When they lower a flaming torch toward their tonsils, they never, ever inhale! Doing so could cause serious burns, collapsed lungs, or the inhalation of poisonous vapors that could potentially kill them. Instead, fire eaters snuff out the flame—either by a quick exhaled breath or by enveloping it inside their mouths, depriving it of oxygen.
Fire eaters use a variety of fuels to ignite the wick of their torches. A popular combustible for this purpose is lighter fluid. Unfortunately, no matter how careful they are, fire eaters who work with lighter fluid end up ingesting small amounts of the fuel each time they perform. And it’s no small matter that the containers carry the warning “Harmful or fatal if swallowed.” Tragically, over time, the effect of such ingestion can be cumulative, building up in the liver and potentially causing lasting damage—and worse.
Similarly, those who continually ingest their own fiery anger can suffer lasting damage from the cumulative effects of a lifetime of fire eating. The adage “Play with fire and you’ll get burned” is true for fire eaters of every variety—whether under the big top or the rooftop. Swallowing your anger is harmful to relationships. And, it’s hazardous to your health.
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THE FLAMETHROWERS
The Damaging Displays of Our Anger
“Short-tempered people do foolish things”
(PROVERBS 14:17 NLT).

 

HE WAS CAUTIONED…counseled…commanded. He was warned, and well aware of the danger. He received repeated instructions to leave as Mount St. Helens quivered and quaked. But 84-year-old Harry Truman stood his ground near the volatile volcano.
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As the shifts beneath the earth’s surface were regularly recorded—seismic activity logged day after day—Harry repeatedly turned a deaf ear to the evacuation orders. He had gained quite a reputation over the years for holding out when everyone else was heading out.
The former bootlegger had left his rebellious life of running Canadian whiskey to California during the Prohibition years, but there was still plenty of rebel left in him. Harry wasn’t about to budge from his lodge near Spirit Lake in Washington State. In 1929, he staked a 40-acre claim. And in the spring of 1980, he staked his life.
Known as a cantankerous wilderness guide—as rough and rugged as they come—Harry had already withstood 100-mile-an-hour wind-storms, a fire that engulfed his house, and numerous earthquakes. If the crater should start spewing out lava, Harry assumed he would have enough time to escape into an old mine shaft he had stocked with food and whiskey.
Despite ongoing eruptions of steam, harmonic tremors, and even a summit explosion, bullheaded Harry refused to budge. Although the number of eruptions lessened through March and April, the evacuation mandates continued.
However, Harry Truman had a tenacious stubborn streak, much like his presidential namesake, who quipped, “If you can’t stand the heat, you better get out of the kitchen!”
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As conditions worsened in the vicinity of the volcano, most people in proximity did “get out of the kitchen”—but not tough ole Harry.
In fact, Harry gained national notoriety after a Portland, Oregon, television station interviewed him. People from one news show even visited him via helicopter. Harry could have literally been lifted out of harm’s way, but he remained unwilling to leave.
Years ago I remember reading about “holdout Harry” in the newspaper. I also remember seeing the televised interviews featuring his overconfident bravado: “I’m gonna stay right here…I’ve stuck it out 54 years and I can stick it out another 54!”
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On May 18, 1980, a 5.0 magnitude earthquake sent a blistering ash cloud up in the air—a blast clocked at 300 miles per hour. The powerful eruption triggered an avalanche of devastating, fiery debris—the largest ever recorded to that time.
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That fateful day, 57 people lost their lives—including Harry, who was buried deep beneath a massive flow of ash and lava.
Evacuate Before the Volcano Erupts
Anger, in and of itself, isn’t a sin—nor does it necessarily have to lead to sin.
Like live volcanoes, hottempered people steam and stew below the surface. When the inner pressure builds to the boiling point, their molten rage explodes—burning and scarring those around them. They vent their volcanic wrath and cause widespread devastation.
As I’ve thought about the volcanic people in my life, I’ve wished I had heeded this clear, direct warning from the Bible: “Do not make friends with a hottempered man, do not associate with one easily angered.
”
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Unequivocally, God’s Word instructs us to
leave
the presence of hottempered people. If we don’t, we—just like Harry—will be burned…and possibly buried! Harry died because he
ignored the warning.
Thus, he died needlessly.
The volcanic eruption not only took the life of Harry, it also forever changed Mount St. Helens. It laid waste to itself! The warning bears repeating: Explosive anger should not be ignored, overlooked, or minimized.
Of course, those who have this kind of explosive temper need to know that their volatility cannot help but damage and sometimes destroy their most meaningful relationships. Their anger bowls are more like basins, with every name and every painful event etched
in molten red.
The people I call fire eaters—those who swallow their anger—can’t keep their anger hidden. Eventually it will flare up in harmful ways. But, people with the opposite problem are what I call flamethrowers—those whose anger flares openly, those who too easily torch and scorch others. Rather than smother their emotions within, they spew their emotions outwardly onto others.
As I’ve said before, anger, in and of itself, isn’t a sin—nor does it necessarily have to lead to sin. But clearly, anger can be the precursor to sin. Uncontrolled anger is
always
wrong and all too often results in offensive words, wrong behavior, even criminal acts.
Flamethrowing anger takes many forms: put-downs and name-calling, profanity and intimidation, property damage and vandalism, personal assaults and murder.
Let’s not get the wrong impression, however. Explosive anger isn’t necessarily characterized by the screamer shouting insults at strangers, or the mother cruelly mistreating her child for a minor wrongdoing, or the mean neighbor creating noise just to be a nuisance.
Those the Bible describes as hottempered can also cause damage in more discreet ways. They might display their anger through constant criticism, behind-the-scenes bullying, intense intimidation, or surreptitious sabotage. Yet regardless of the way a volatile temper is displayed, the Bible doesn’t mince words about hotheaded flamethrowers. Proverbs 14:17 says, “A man of quick temper acts foolishly, and a man of evil devices is hated.”
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