Ms. Beard Is Weird!
To Blake and Colby Wiener
My name is A.J. and I hate it when a helicopter lands on my head.
Okay, so a helicopter never
really
landed on my head. But I'm pretty sure that if a helicopter ever
did
land on my head, I would hate it. Wouldn't you?
My teacher is Mr. Granite, who is from another planet. He's been pretty angry lately. Every time he tries to teach us anything, an announcement comes over the loudspeaker telling us to go to an assembly. Mr. Granite got so mad that he yanked the loudspeaker out of the wall!
“Okay, today we're going to talk about the Civil War,” Mr. Granite told us. “Turn to page twenty-three in yourâ”
He didn't get the chance to finish his sentence, because you'll never believe who poked her head into the door at that moment.
Nobody! It would hurt if you poked your head into a door. Why would anybody want to do a dumb thing like that?
But you'll never believe who poked her head into the
doorway
.
It was Mrs. Patty, the school secretary!
“I've been trying to reach you,” she told Mr. Granite. “Who yanked your loudspeaker out of the wall? Everyone has to report to the all-purpose room for a surprise assembly.”
“Not
again
!” yelled Mr. Granite.
Surprise assemblies are fun, because you never know what's going to happen. That's why they're called
surprise
assemblies.
We had to walk a million hundred miles to the all-purpose room. I don't know why they call it an all-purpose room, because we can't use it for
all
purposes. I mean, you can't use it to fly into outer space. So why is it called the all-purpose room?
Anyway, we had to sit boy-girl-boy-girl to make sure we wouldn't sit next to anybody we liked. I had to sit between annoying Andrea and her crybaby friend, Emily. Ugh, disgusting! I made sure not to let my elbows touch theirs.
Mr. Klutz, our principal, was up on the stage. He has no hair at all.
1
“Great news, everyone!” Mr. Klutz told us. “Our budget problems are solved. I'm happy to report that we can buy new computers and supplies. We can bring back the art and music programs. We can hire all the teachers who were fired. We can turn on the water fountains again and put toilet paper back in the bathrooms.”
“Hooray for Mr. Klutz!” Everybody was whistling and cheering and shouting.
“Where did you get the money to do all those things?” asked our librarian, Mrs. Roopy. “Did you get a grant?”
“No,” said Mr. Klutz.
“Are taxes going up?” asked the school nurse, Mrs. Cooney.
“No,” said Mr. Klutz.
“Are we going to have a fund-raiser?” asked Dr. Brad, the school counselor.
“No,” said Mr. Klutz. “The money is coming from the famous TV producer Ms. Beard. She's making a new reality show, and she's going to shoot it right here! It is going to be called
The Real Teachers of Ella Mentry School
.”
“EEEEEEEEEKKKK!”
All the teachers were freaking out.
“We're going to be on TV!” screamed our speech teacher, Ms. Laney.
“We're going to be famous!” screamed our vice principal, Mrs. Jafee.
“How does my hair look?” screamed our computer teacher, Mrs. Yonkers.
“What am I going to wear?” screamed our Spanish teacher, Miss Holly. “I have nothing to wear!”
Teachers are weird.
Over the weekend my parents had to sign a contract that I brought home in my backpack. The contract said they couldn't sue anybody if I fell into a well, or got eaten by a lion or run over by a train, or if a helicopter fell on my head during the filming of
The Real Teachers of Ella Mentry School
.
When I got to school on Monday morning, everybody was out front, dressed up in their nicest clothes. I had to wear a tie. Ugh. It looked like we were all going to a wedding or a funeral. We had to wear badges, too, so people watching on TV would know our names.
The teachers were running around warning us to be on our best behavior for Ms. Beard. She's a big celebrity, and she was coming all the way from Hollywood. The girls were giggling and talking nervously to each other.
“My mom took me to the beauty parlor yesterday,” said Andrea.
“It looks like she took you to the
ugly
parlor,” I told Andrea.
“Oh, snap!” said Ryan, who will eat anything, even stuff that isn't food.
Andrea stuck out her tongue at me.
“My mom took me for a pedicure,” said Emily.
“What's a pedicure?” asked Michael, who never ties his shoes.
“That's when they soak your feet and paint your toenails,” Emily told us.
“Do you think they're gonna make a TV show about your toenails?” asked Neil, who we call the nude kid even though he wears clothes.
“Boys are mean!” said Emily.
“Do you think this dress makes me look fat?” Andrea asked the other girls.
“Yes,” I told her.
“I wasn't asking
you
,
Arlo
!”
Andrea calls me by my real name because she knows I don't like it. I wanted to make fun of her some more, but at that moment the most amazing thing in the history of the world happened. A black limousine pulled up at the other side of the playground. It was really long, like somebody took two regular-sized cars and stuck them together. The windows were tinted, so we couldn't see inside.
“Ms. Beard is here!” yelled Alexia, who is a girl but pretty cool anyway.
“Ms. Beard is here!” yelled Ryan.
“Ms. Beard is here!” yelled Michael.
In case you were wondering, everybody was yelling that Ms. Beard was here.
But actually, Ms. Beard
wasn't
here. Not yet anyway.
A bunch of guys got out of the limo. They were carrying cameras and lights and stuff.
A few seconds later, a helicopter came down from the sky and landed on the playground near the limo. A lady got out.
“It's Ms. Beard!” shouted Mr. Klutz.
Ms. Beard climbed down from the helicopter and got into the limo. Then the limo drove about ten yards to where we were all waiting. I guess Ms. Beard doesn't like to walk.
“Remember,” shouted Mr. Klutz, “we want to show Ms. Beard what terrific students we have at Ella Mentry School. Everybody be on your best behavior.”
“I'm
always
on my best behavior,” said Andrea.
What is her problem?
Ms. Beard got out of the limo and looked around.
“Welcome to our school,” Mr. Klutz told her. “I'm sure you'll find our childrenâ”
He didn't get the chance to finish his sentence, because Ms. Beard wasn't paying attention.
“Fabulous, Chickie Baby!” she said. “I love children! They're like grown-ups, only shorter.”
“We should probably talk aboutâ” said Mr. Klutz.
“Sure, let's do lunch, Chickie Baby,” said Ms. Beard.
“Uh, I just did breakfast,” said Mr. Klutz. “And my name isn't Chickie Baby. It's Mr. Klutz.”
“Not
now
, Chickie Baby,” said Ms. Beard. “Let's do lunch at
lunchtime,
sweetie. Have your girl call my girl. We'll take a meeting.”
She talks funny.
The big guys started setting up lights, cameras, and microphones everywhere. Ms. Beard walked around looking us over like a general inspecting the troops.
“Oh, this is going to be
fabulous
!” she said. “It will be the first reality show that takes place in a school. The ratings are going to go through the roof!”
“Are we going to be famous like that Snookie lady?” asked Andrea.
“That depends on what happens, baby,”
2
said Ms. Beard. “This is reality TV. We don't use scripts. Nobody has any lines. It's all about reality. We'll just have to see what happens.”
“When does the show begin?” asked Neil the nude kid.
“Right now, baby!” Ms. Beard said, clapping her hands together.
Somebody gave her a big megaphone, and she shouted into it, “Quiet on the set! We're shooting
The Real Teachers of Ella Mentry School
! Lights! Camera! ACTION!”
