Keeping Your Cool…When Your Anger Is Hot!: Practical Steps to Temper Fiery Emotions (11 page)
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Authors: June Hunt
BOOK: Keeping Your Cool…When Your Anger Is Hot!: Practical Steps to Temper Fiery Emotions
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2. Sulkers: “Just leave me alone.”
Unlike Joan, some people know very well they are angry, but have no intention of risking more pain and hardship by confronting it head-on. Rather than deny their anger, they simply pull down the shades of their heart and hang a “Do Not Disturb” sign on the door. From within this sullen fortress they resist all attempts from others to confront their anger and resolve it. The very last thing they want to do is
talk
about it.
talk
about it.
Clearly, we all deserve privacy and the right to deal with anger in our own way. But sulkers usually aren’t just taking a time-out, or pausing to count to ten before proceeding. These are people who completely withdraw from relationships and can nurse a grudge in silence for
years
. Sadly, they allow a past wrong to burn up any prospect for joy in the present, and to destroy any hope for joy in the future.
years
. Sadly, they allow a past wrong to burn up any prospect for joy in the present, and to destroy any hope for joy in the future.
Withdrawing is a breeding ground for bitterness that is practically guaranteed to inflame your anger, not tame it. Cut off from other points of view, you are much more susceptible to error and exaggeration in your thinking. In your mind, you replay the anger-producing offense again and again until it grows out of proportion.
Living with a Turtle
Lee wanted his wife’s forgiveness. Uncharacteristically, he’d had too much to drink at Jana’s office Christmas party and became overly loud and obnoxious. To make matters worse, he blatantly flirted with two of his wife’s co-workers. When Jana told him it was time to go, he said he was sick of her “mothering.”
The next day, Lee was horrified at his own despicable behavior. He was desperate to communicate how sorry he was and to begin repairing the damage done. There was just one problem: Jana refused to listen to what he had to say or even share her feelings about what had happened. Obviously humiliated and embarrassed, she wore her hurt like a suit of armor and withdrew behind its cold, hard exterior.
You see, Jana’s grandfather was an alcoholic with a long history of ruining family events, especially holidays, by drinking too much. Lee’s behavior struck a tender nerve in Jana’s heart. She responded to her fear and anger the same way her mother and grandmother had: She retreated to a “safe distance” and silently fumed. Her anger was plain to see, but completely inaccessible.
By the time Lee called me on
Hope in the Night
, he was desperate to break through the firewall of Jana’s closed-off emotions. “She’s a turtle. She pulls her head inside her shell and won’t come out. There’s absolutely nothing I can do or say!”
Hope in the Night
, he was desperate to break through the firewall of Jana’s closed-off emotions. “She’s a turtle. She pulls her head inside her shell and won’t come out. There’s absolutely nothing I can do or say!”
“Lee, I hear your frustration. Sulking keeps anger alive by slamming the door on honest, direct communication. Yet communication is the essential ingredient of eventual forgiveness and reconciliation. Sulking denies passage even to the most sincere apology. It’s one of the behaviors the apostle Paul had in mind when he wrote: ‘Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.’
1
1
“You already know you can’t
force
Jana to open up. But I believe there are steps you can take to strengthen your relationship with your wife. Would you be willing to explore what
you
can do in this situation and forget, at least for a moment, what you want
her
to do?”
force
Jana to open up. But I believe there are steps you can take to strengthen your relationship with your wife. Would you be willing to explore what
you
can do in this situation and forget, at least for a moment, what you want
her
to do?”
Refocus on What Can Be Controlled
Lee seemed skeptical, but agreed to hear me out, enabling me to direct his attention to what he could control. Since Jana’s trust had been violated, reconciliation would require time, a behavior change, and consistency to prove to Jana that Lee was worthy of her trust. He could not expect her to re-extend trust without his demonstration of a true understanding of what he had done wrong, how deeply it had hurt her, a godly sorrow over his actions, and sincere repentance.
I probed Lee’s decision to drink too much at the party and to make passes at Jana’s colleagues. It became clear that Lee had deficits in his own life that would require his focused attention: Always being overshadowed by a high-achieving older brother had left Lee with some deep-seated wounds of his own. By addressing these, Lee could grow emotionally and become a healthier person.
Demonstrating his genuine desire to make God his priority and to become a man of integrity would also be life-changing for him and a huge factor in the possible restoration of his marriage.
“Lee, I’m going to recommend you involve a godly man, or even two or three, in your life—to provide support, prayer, and accountability on your journey toward reconciliation. Is there anyone in your life who could come alongside you?”
“I know one man who is a really strong Christian. I could ask if he’d be willing to help me.”
Develop a Dialogue of Integrity
“Good! Ask him. And in the meantime, I’m going to recommend some things you can say when you talk to Jana about this issue. Of course, these words won’t do you a bit of good unless they come from your heart. But if you can say this and mean it, consider communicating something along these lines:
“‘Jana, my actions at the party were completely wrong—I have no excuse. And, I realize I opened up that old wound from your grandfather when I got out of control. I acted like him.
“‘I know you are feeling hurt, betrayed, embarrassed, and fearful. And I don’t blame you one bit. I pray that someday you’ll forgive me. But I know I can’t demand your forgiveness…and I must earn your trust. That’s what I want to do, no matter how long it takes.’ ”
Because Lee had committed his life to Christ, he needed to tell her that and state, “With God’s help, I am going to do everything I can to become a man of integrity. As a Christian, that’s my deepest desire. And as my wife, that’s what you deserve.”
Lee and I talked long into the night. After our call, I sent him our ministry’s resources on reconciliation, along with my prayers that he would experience new hope for his heart.
Many men (and women) in Lee’s situation—people who had “blown it” then had to face the consequence of living with a sulker—
have
contacted me with glowing reports of restoration. But they had to take the necessary steps to address their
own
issues, and live a life of total integrity before their loved ones.
have
contacted me with glowing reports of restoration. But they had to take the necessary steps to address their
own
issues, and live a life of total integrity before their loved ones.
3. Snipers: “Can you believe what she did to me?”
While some people hide behind an impenetrable shield of silence, others are more than willing to talk about their anger—to anyone except the person who sparked it. They avoid owning up to their rage by diverting its energy into making sure everyone knows their version of events.
The payoff in using this approach is twofold. First, in playing the aggrieved victim, why do the strenuous work of resolving the conflict when you can bask in an outpouring of pity instead? Don’t misunderstand me—we all appreciate genuine compassion when a painful event has caused us harm. That’s a natural and healthy role friends and family can play in our lives. The problem arises when we begin to crave the “camaraderie” inspired by our anger—so much so that we stay stuck there.
Second, by engaging in gossip about the people who made them mad, snipers often succeed in
imparting
their anger to others—empowering them to also fire their angry bullets. Shared anger means shared responsibility for action. In this way they enlist surrogates willing to take the lead in confronting the “offender” on their behalf. In other words, the snipers’ fear of anger leads them to create a human shield around themselves, behind which they hide for as long as they’re able to keep the collective fire hot.
imparting
their anger to others—empowering them to also fire their angry bullets. Shared anger means shared responsibility for action. In this way they enlist surrogates willing to take the lead in confronting the “offender” on their behalf. In other words, the snipers’ fear of anger leads them to create a human shield around themselves, behind which they hide for as long as they’re able to keep the collective fire hot.
When you are angry, don’t hesitate to call on the support of wise friends. But remember that your anger is
yours,
and solidarity with others is a stepping stone toward receiving God’s gift of freedom and healing—not a destination in itself.
yours,
and solidarity with others is a stepping stone toward receiving God’s gift of freedom and healing—not a destination in itself.
4. Schemers: “I never get mad—I just get even.”
Recently I heard about a husband who questioned his wife, “How can you be so calm when I lose my temper so much?” She answered, “I clean the toilet.” Still confused, he asked, “Well, how does that help?” She replied sweetly, “I use your toothbrush.”
A humorous story, perhaps, but real-life issues aren’t quite so laughable.
Shirley was already angry with her husband, Neil. She had felt for some time that she did far more than her share to keep their household running smoothly. Both had demanding jobs that contributed income to the family. But when it came to doing the laundry, making dinner, cleaning the bathrooms, or getting the kids to bed on time, the responsibility wasn’t distributed evenly. There seemed to be an unspoken assumption that
all
those responsibilities belonged
only
to her.
all
those responsibilities belonged
only
to her.
“At times I felt guilty for being irritated,” Shirley told me. “An image would pop into my head of my mother—the perfect, happy homemaker. She never complained or got angry about all she did for us. So neither should I.”
But when Neil announced he had joined a fitness center and planned to work out for an hour a couple of evenings a week, it was too much for Shirley. She became furious. Couldn’t Neil see she was already stretched to the breaking point? Of course, that would have been a perfect time for Shirley to openly confront her anger, but that’s not what she did. She was unable to escape the memory of her mother’s voice saying, “God can’t hear you when you grumble, dear.”
So, instead of acting on her anger directly, Shirley channeled it into a series of less risky hit-and-run attacks—a campaign of emotional guerrilla warfare. She intentionally “forgot” to include Neil’s clothes in the laundry one week. She fed the kids early some nights and told Neil to “fend for himself” with leftovers. She went shopping and spent more than usual on new clothes for herself. The problem was, none of these actions eased her anger. The more she got even, the worse she felt. “Then Neil started getting angry, too, but not knowing
why
I was behaving the way I was,” she said.
why
I was behaving the way I was,” she said.
Cultivate Clear, Credible Communication
“Shirley, you haven’t been candid with Neil. Is it possible you are expecting him to read your mind?” I asked when we spoke on
Hope in the Night
.
Hope in the Night
.
“He’s a smart man. Shouldn’t he be able to figure out something so obvious? We’ve been married for twelve years. This doesn’t take a mind reader.”
“But
you
already know what’s in your head and heart. True communication occurs when there is
shared understanding.
It’s a process of revealing our values, assumptions, beliefs, and expectations.
2
It involves listening, clarifying, and many other important tasks. Deep, meaningful communication doesn’t just happen. It takes work. Let me ask: So far, what’s been the result of assuming Neil should
simply know
how you’re feeling?”
you
already know what’s in your head and heart. True communication occurs when there is
shared understanding.
It’s a process of revealing our values, assumptions, beliefs, and expectations.
2
It involves listening, clarifying, and many other important tasks. Deep, meaningful communication doesn’t just happen. It takes work. Let me ask: So far, what’s been the result of assuming Neil should
simply know
how you’re feeling?”
“I’ve been wrong.”
“Shirley, have you ever heard that great Albert Einstein quote: ‘Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results’?”
3
3
“Now
that’s
funny! I use that line with my kids all the time.”
that’s
funny! I use that line with my kids all the time.”
“Could it also apply to the way you and Neil are attempting to communicate with each other?”
“The way we’ve been living since Neil joined the gym has me tied up in knots.”
“Well I’ve got some good news for you. You can begin today to untie those knots—the ones in your heart, and the ones in your marriage. Would you be willing to set aside some time this weekend to talk to Neil…to tell him how you’re feeling, and share your heart with him? Even if you have some fear of his response, it is the truth, and speaking the truth in love sets you free! Are you ready to make that investment in your marriage?”
The Sandwich Technique
“I’m seeing that, to turn our marriage around, I probably have no other choice.” Thankfully, Shirley decided to face her fears about openly communicating with her husband. Heartened by her courageous decision, I encouraged her to ask for what she needed emotionally from Neil. I also suggested she position any criticism as though it were a piece of meat in the middle of a sandwich. That is, to surround the “meat of correction” first with the “bread of praise” (a positive statement about Neil, a sincere compliment, or statement of genuine care) on the top side, and the “bread of encouragement” (a statement expressing Shirley’s confidence and assurance of the future success of their marriage) on the bottom side.
After Shirley and Neil had their talk, things improved dramatically. He saw her point of view and agreed to make appropriate changes in his behavior—like sharing some of the responsibilities at home. Likewise, she continued practicing her new communication skills. Rather than scheming to get even when Neil disappointed her, Shirley gradually began to feel better about herself—and her marriage.
When God said, “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,”
4
His purpose was not to reserve for Himself the pleasure of getting even. He was warning us to avoid the perils of letting our anger lead to a destructive escalation of conflict. If you’ve handled anger by scheming ways to get back at someone, try God’s plan for a change: “Do not repay anyone evil for evil.”
5
Rather, give God your bowl of vengeful anger, and let His healing comfort fill your heart.
4
His purpose was not to reserve for Himself the pleasure of getting even. He was warning us to avoid the perils of letting our anger lead to a destructive escalation of conflict. If you’ve handled anger by scheming ways to get back at someone, try God’s plan for a change: “Do not repay anyone evil for evil.”
5
Rather, give God your bowl of vengeful anger, and let His healing comfort fill your heart.
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