Katie's Choice (27 page)

She understood why the women she had seen at the hospital had covered their heads with handkerchiefs. But a scrap of cloth covered with drawings of pink ribbons would be considered vain by the bishop and somehow prideful. Those other women wore their pink like a badge of honor. Her heart gave a hard pound of recognition when she saw the ribbons that signified breast cancer and being a survivor. A part of her wanted to display a ribbon on her dress, pin it to her apron, or even get one of those pink rubber bracelets to show what she had been through. Why she looked the way she did. Why after being so carefully obedient her entire life that she appeared to have lost her faith. Instead she had to hide her badges. The little pink ribbon the nurse had given her when she started treatments was pinned to the underside of her dress. No one knew it was there. Not even Abram. Only she and God knew her secret. She tied the bonnet under her chin and tried to find the peace she had so fleetingly felt earlier.

She had done what God had asked of her. What she thought the Lord had wanted from her, but in the side effects she could find no peace. She couldn’t uphold her end of the marriage. She could no longer cook and clean for her husband, not like a proper Amish wife. She required frequent rests and naps in order to make it through even one day. She didn’t know if she would ever be the same again, or if the treatment would leave her dependent on others for the rest of her life.

Ruth didn’t know how she would handle that. She was used to being strong, dependable, capable. Now she felt as helpless and as weak as a newborn fawn.

Annie was already in the kitchen when Ruth arrived downstairs. If she knew her energetic son at all, John Paul had already coerced Zane Carson out of the bed and into the barn. Abram had risen before her, as was his custom of late, not even bothering to wake her before he headed out to his chores.

They used to get up together, make their way downstairs and sit at the table and talk, enjoying the few quiet moments of their morning before the day took off into whatever direction the Lord pulled them. At night they’d meet back up in their room, sharing thoughts of the day, questions, ideas, troubles, and triumphs before bending their knees to thank God for the day’s blessings.

That was just one more change her cancer had brought about, one more thing to be saddened about. She could barely look at her husband these days, so ashamed she was of her body. It was no longer whole, no longer the way the Lord had made it. She and Abram had made the decision together, but the repercussions of that decision she had to bear alone.

“I’ve made you some coffee,” Annie said, pouring her a cup and setting it down at the table. “Biscuits should be out in a few minutes.”

“You didn’t have to do that.” Yet Ruth was glad that she did. Annie made the best coffee, and her biscuits were coming along quite nicely.

Ruth eased herself into one of the kitchen chairs, resting her bones from the trip downstairs. It was downright shameful that her body could barely take the journey each morning and night. She had played with the idea of moving into Noni’s quarters and avoiding the stairs altogether, but the thought so saddened her that she quickly let it go. She and Abram were so distanced that she couldn’t imagine furthering the rift by not lying beside him each night. Her heart ached at the thought of not being able to hear him breathe as she fell asleep. Of not being able to roll into his warmth in the morning before sunrise. To know he was there in body, strong and steady, even if his heart was drifting.

Annie pulled the bacon out of the refrigerator and started laying strips in a big black frying pan. “The boys ought to be back in a few minutes.”

Ruth hadn’t rested her fill, but couldn’t sit still any longer. Oh, Annie made fine bacon, but Ruth couldn’t sit by and let her do all of the cooking by herself. There were too many mouths to feed. Too much responsibility. “Let me.” She pushed herself to her feet, fully intending to take the meat away from Annie and cook the bacon herself.

“What are you doing?” Annie asked as she reached for the bacon.

“I’m going to help you.”

“You most certainly are not.” She turned so that her body shielded the meat from Ruth’s grasp. “You had a late night with the Christmas pageant. You need to rest.”

“Annie, I—”

“Don’t start, Ruth. We are soon to be family, and families work together to help each other.”

“But I—”

“No buts.” She placed a gentle hand on Ruth’s shoulder and pushed her back down in the seat. “We are working together.”

Ruth shook her head with a frown. “Me sittin’, and you workin’ is not workin’ together.”

Annie smiled. “I’m counting on you helping me later.”

“
Jah
? What do you mean?”

Annie blushed. “I hope that one day, after Gideon and I are married of course, that you’ll come help me with the baby. Or help me get ready for the baby. Then I can sit with my feet up, and you can make the biscuits.”

The thought of Gideon getting such a second chance at love and life filled Ruth with the brightest feeling she’d had in a long time. If she hadn’t known better, she’d’ve thought she swallowed sunshine.

She took a sip of her coffee to hide the tears that sprang to her eyes. Thankfully Annie had turned away to pull the biscuits out of the oven. Then the bacon required her attention and Ruth was able to swallow down her emotions without the young girl being able to know they were even there.

That afternoon, as she and Annie sorted through her stash of fabric looking for the perfect cloth to make Mary Elizabeth a new dress for Christmas, Zane Carson’s phone buzzed once again. This time Ruth recognized the purr against her side and didn’t jump out of her skin. But her hands were still shaking as she retrieved the device and looked at the tiny screen the way Zane had showed her. 918 . . . Tulsa. The doctor was calling.

She shook her head. “I can’t do this.”

Annie laid a hand on Ruth’s trembling fingers. “What’s the matter, Ruth?”

“It’s the cancer doctor.” She hated the tears that sprang into her eyes. She didn’t want to answer. Couldn’t answer. What if the news was bad? She wasn’t afraid of dying. She knew what awaited her on the other side. She was not afraid to go meet Him.

She was afraid she had wasted the community’s money. She should have never agreed to treatment. It was too costly with no guarantee of return.

“Aren’t you going to answer it?”

Ruth shook her head again. “
Nay
.”

Annie shot her an exasperated look. “Give me that.” She took the phone and pressed the little button, stopping the buzzing, the silence making Ruth all the more nervous.

“Hello?”

Ruth could hear the voice of the person who had called, but she couldn’t understand the words they said.

“No, it’s not. This is her daughter.” Annie winked at her, her confidence making Ruth’s stomach hurt. It wasn’t right to lie, but she was glad Annie had told the caller she was Ruth’s daughter. Ruth didn’t think she could hear the news of her test over the ringing in her ears.

“Uh-huh,” Annie said.

She was smiling. That had to be a good sign, but still Ruth wouldn’t let her spirits rise.

“Yes, sir. We appreciate all you have done for her. I’ll be sure to let her know.” She hit the button again and handed the phone back to Ruth.

It seemed an eternity before Annie finally spoke. “The tests came back clear. You are cancer free!”

12

T
he news spread like a grass fire in September. Only when his body relaxed in relief did Zane realize how concerned he’d been. He had grown close to the Fishers in the weeks that he’d been staying with them, and he wanted nothing but happiness for them. Katie Rose would have said, “God is good,” or something about the power of prayer. Zane was starting to believe that she could be right. More than right.

Spot on.

The whole community had been praying for Ruth’s recovery. Even he had bowed his head and asked God in his stuttering words if He could find a way to see Ruth healed. And God had answered in a big way.

Katie Rose might have said those words too, but Zane didn’t know because he hadn’t seen her since the Christmas pageant. He supposed she was busy getting Christmas ready for the boys and Gabriel. At least he hoped that was what she was doing, and that she wasn’t avoiding him. He liked spending time with her, wanted to get to know her better. If only a little before he had to leave for Chicago.

Funny, but now the thought didn’t fill him with relief like it did before. He should have been happy, ecstatic even that it wouldn’t be long before he got to leave Oklahoma and the Amish ways behind. But he wasn’t.

Maybe Christmas was getting to him. It never had before. Then again, he’d never given it any thought before. He’d never bought into the commercialism of trees and stockings, Santa Claus and reindeer. He’d simply gone through December the same way he would any other month.

But this year, he discovered faith in God—and that changed everything about Christmas.

Maybe, too, it was seeing the Fishers so happy over the news of Ruth’s healing, excited and enjoying each other as the holiday that meant so much to them approached.

Annie was baking cookies and friendship bread, and Noni was knitting like her life depended on it. John Paul was the only one who seemed to be taking life in the same stride, yet Zane was sure it was because he was working so hard trying to provide more for his parents.

Their excitement was contagious, and Zane couldn’t help letting it seep into him as well. A few days before Christmas, he borrowed the buggy and drove into town to pick up the present he had ordered for Ruth and the other gifts he’d been planning.

He had loved his time with the Fishers. Their lifestyle was gentle and unassuming. Difficult, but enjoyable. Filled with happiness and each other.

The only thing he missed was tacos.

That’s how he’d give back. He would cook them all dinner. Surely there wasn’t anything in the
Ordnung
about Mexican food, but just in case, Zane asked Mr. Anderson when he stopped by the general store.

“Nothing at all, son. Nothing at all,” Coln had answered.

Once Zane had been given the all clear, he drove the buggy to the grocery store, walking each aisle as he tried to remember everything he would need to make the perfect taco feast.

He didn’t know what kind of spices Annie and Ruth had stashed away in their kitchen, so he bought a little container of everything—garlic salt, crushed red pepper, black pepper, and taco seasoning. He also picked up fresh garlic, refried beans, tortillas, and hard taco shells. He gathered ingredients until the basket was filled.

He received a few strange looks as he walked the store. He supposed he was a curious mix of English and Amish. At least his pants didn’t show his socks now, thanks to Katie Rose’s expertise with a needle and thread. But his hair, in urgent need of a trim now, was still in an English cut, not the chili bowl meets Buster Brown style that the Amish preferred. He had grown a beard for sheer warmth, but instead of shaving off his moustache, as was the Amish custom, he’d left it. His clothes were exclusively Amish, though, and the cashier shook her head in confusion when he paid for his purchases with a credit card.

He smiled to himself, but didn’t offer an explanation. It’d give her something to talk about later with her friends.

He loaded his purchases into the buggy. He hadn’t brought a cooler to make sure the perishables made it to the house without getting warm, but that wasn’t a big concern today. The sky was overcast, the wind from the north, and the old-timers were talking about an early snow.

He hoped it would snow. Unlike Chicago, he’d bet the snow here stayed whiter longer. He could just imagine how beautiful the land would look covered with a thick layer of white powder. Might even be clean enough in the Amish country to make snow cream.

The flash of a childhood memory snuck up on him. He’d forgotten about making snow cream with his parents. What a treat that had been. His heart warmed at the thought. One more good memory to add with the rest.

The ride back to the Fishers’ was slow and cold, but Zane found the easy pace allowed him the time to stop and reflect on the day. To think about all that had happened, all that he needed to get accomplished. Instead of racing around and trying to speed from one place to another, Zane found that the buggy ride helped to clear his mind. Made him take a step back and see the day, the week, the month.