Kate's Song (25 page)

* * * * *

Kate propped her elbow on the table in the cafeteria and leaned her head on her hand. Even she, with her simple upbringing, knew this constituted bad manners, but she didn’t rouse herself enough to care. She was a week into school and already looked forward to semester break. Rehearsals for
Romeo et Juliette
were as Dr. Dibble promised—grueling—and her class load left her almost dizzy, but she refused to muster any emotion at all. When she allowed herself to feel anything, the pain of losing Nathaniel overwhelmed her. A single-minded numbness was her only refuge from the grief.

Chelsea and Shannon chatted away about
Romeo et Juliette
, Shannon with a sandwich in one hand and her phone glued to the other. How she managed to eat and surf the Web at the same time was a seven-day wonder.

Kate only barely paid attention to their conversation.

Chelsea tilted her head to look into Kate’s face. “Kate, are you okay?”

“I guess the Ben and Jerry’s didn’t help,” Shannon said.

“Carlos ate most of it.”

“As far as I’m concerned, every guy in the world can go jump in Lake Michigan,” Shannon said. “I’m sick of all of them.” Then, suddenly brightening, she said, “Look, there’s Carlos.” She bobbled one of her curls and hastily put her purse on the floor. “For a guy that good-looking, you’d think he’d find a nicer-fitting pair of jeans.”

Glancing behind her, Kate saw Carlos coming toward their table. He wore the same pair of baggy pants he wore almost every day, and they looked as if they hadn’t been washed in weeks. Carlos liked the “scruffy look,” with his face whiskery but not grown to a full beard. His ruffled hair completed the picture of a man who couldn’t care less about his appearance but somehow managed to look attractive anyway.

As soon as he caught sight of Kate, he practically sprinted to the table and slipped into the chair next to her. “How are my favorite girls in the world?” he said.

“We’re okay,” Shannon said.

“Not you, Shannon,” Carlos said. “I was talking about Kate and Chelsea here.”

Shannon cuffed Carlos on the arm.

“Hey, you’re definitely in my top one hundred,” Carlos said. He tried to dodge another blow.

Carlos and Shannon considered each other for a moment before Carlos cleared his throat and stuck his hand into his pocket. “A letter came for you today to my apartment.”

“Me?” Kate said.

He handed her a crinkled envelope that had her mother’s handwriting across the top. Kate laid it on the table and smoothed it carefully with her hands. “It’s from Mamma,” she whispered.

“Good,” said Carlos. “I was beginning to think you didn’t actually have a family.”

Chelsea stood up. “Walk me to the rehearsal hall, Carlos. It’s on your way.”

Carlos and Chelsea walked away and still Kate smoothed the wrinkled letter over and over with her hand.

Shannon watched Kate expectantly. “Are you going to open it?”

“I’m afraid of what it will say.”

“Do you want me to have a look at it first?”

Her fear seemed irrational, even to herself. “Will you read it to me?”

“Okay,” Shannon said. She took a miniscule pink fingernail file from her purse and slit the envelope. Unfolding the single sheet of paper, she looked at Kate doubtfully. “Are you sure?”

Kate nodded.

Shannon glanced around her and swallowed hard.

“
Dear Kate, Nathaniel gave me this address and said this is where you are staying. I hope you are not angry at me for writing. We have tried to respect your wishes and leave you alone. I understand that you have made the choice not to join the Church and to stay at the academy. Your dat and I love you. If this is what truly brings you happiness, then we are happy. We will miss you terribly, but do not worry, we can manage without you. The grands are getting old enough to be a big help at harvesttime. Do not worry. We will be good
.

“We long for you to visit us. You do not need to stay very long. I will not ask you to see anyone you do not wish to see. It is true, Nathaniel was very unhappy when you left, but please do not worry about him. He will heal in time, Lord willing. He is already seeing Sarah Schwartz several times a week, and Aaron tells us that they like each other very much. He deserves much happiness. Hopefully he can find it with Sarah
.

“The harvest will be shortly upon us. Elmer is not looking forward to the cider pressing, but Dat told him it builds muscles. If he wants to impress the girls, he will do the pressing
.

“We love you and miss you. Please, write to us so we know you are safe and happy. We will look every day for your letter. Love, Mamma.”

An ache of loneliness pulled at Kate from far away. “Nathaniel,” she whispered.

Shannon folded the letter and placed it on the table. “So, that’s it.”

“When did I ever tell them I wished to be left alone?” Kate propped her elbow on the table and rested her forehead in her hand. “God is punishing me. And I cannot bear the chastisement.”

“No, no. Don’t ever believe that,” Shannon said. “Not every bad thing that happens to you is because some celestial being is angry. I think it would be much more like God to be merciful than vengeful, don’t you?”

Kate straightened and looked at Shannon in wonder. She seemed to recall having this very conversation with Nathaniel’s mother. Except at that time, she was attempting to convince Miriam of God’s mercy. And here was Shannon, trying to convince her.

But she didn’t believe it anymore. After all she’d been through, she’d be naive to let God run her life. She’d seen where that had taken her.

Nathaniel sat in silence, eating his obligatory helping of potatoes and corn, when he heard a soft knock at the back door.

“I’ll get it,” Mamm said, hurrying into the room, as if she constantly stood at her post just inches outside the kitchen doorway.

Two little boys, no more than six years old, stood on the back porch and looked longingly into the house. “Can Nathaniel play?”

“Nathaniel, you have some visitors.” Mamm opened the door wide and glanced at Nathaniel expectantly.

He rose slowly and dropped his napkin on the table. “Hello, Toby. Who is your friend?”

“My cousin Yost,” said the first little boy. “He wants to play baseball.”

Nathaniel went to the door and his mamm backed away. “I’m sorry, Toby. I can’t play tonight.”

Toby stared at Nathaniel with wide, puppy-dog eyes. “My dat bought a new bat.”

“Tonight’s not a good night,” Nathaniel said.

“Yost ain’t gonna be here long,” Toby said, “and he wants to see you hit.”

Yost grinned, revealing a sparse collection of teeth, and he nodded enthusiastically.

“Sorry, boys. Maybe some other time.”

Yost turned and clomped down the porch steps, but Toby held his ground. “You never play anymore,” he said putting his hands into his pockets and planting his feet. “Just for a few minutes?” Toby said, pitching his voice a little higher for dramatic effect.

Nathaniel studied Toby’s face. He frowned and tapped the boy’s hat brim up a few inches. “It’s like this, Toby. I’ve got to start acting like a grown-up now, and that means I’m not going to play ball with you anymore.”

Toby hung his head as if he’d found out he had to go to school for the rest of his life. “But you are the best player.”

“You’ll have to find another best player.”

Toby shuffled his feet, gave Nathaniel one last disappointed look, then turned and trudged down the steps.

Nathaniel closed the door and turned to see his mamm watching him in concern. “You love baseball.”

Nathaniel rubbed the back of his neck. “What do you want me to do, Mamm? Do you want me to go out there and play with them?”

“If you want to play, go play.”

“Will that make you happy?” Nathaniel said. “I’ll do whatever you want me to.”

“I want you to do what
you
want. When I see you so miserable, I know that the only thing I want in life is to see my son happy again.”

“Do you really believe that? Because three months ago I was deliriously happy. And that wasn’t good enough for you. She wasn’t the girl you wanted, so you resisted. You tried to separate us, without regard to my happiness.”

“I was right, wasn’t I?”

Nathaniel threw up his arms. “Yes. You were right. And aren’t you delighted about it?”

“I am glad she isn’t here to break your heart.”

“Too late.”

Mamm took Nathaniel’s face in her hands. “I want you to heal. I long to see that smile that was always there, which I haven’t seen since she left. I want your life to work out well, Lord willing.”

He turned away from her. “Then you should be quite pleased with yourself. Everything you’ve schemed and planned for all these years is coming to fruition. By this time next year, I’ll be published with the bishop’s daughter—the girl of your dreams.”

“She is worthy of your affection. Kate was not.”

“How satisfying it must be for you to say ‘I told you so’—the phrase every mother would love to be able to say to her son.”

“Nae, I never wanted things to turn out like this.” Mamm reached her hand out to him. He backed away. “I don’t mean to make light of what you are going through, but when that feeling subsides—and it will—you will be able to judge what you really want, what will truly make you happy.”

Nathaniel staggered and leaned against the kitchen counter for support. “I don’t live for my own happiness. There is no such thing anymore.”

“In time, you will be glad things worked out as they did. You will realize you didn’t really love her.”

Nathaniel stared at his mother in disbelief before his incredulity melted into resignation. If it made Mamm happy to believe that he had never been in love in the first place, let her believe it. In a few weeks she would start calling the whole relationship an infatuation, and in a matter of months, she would cease to think of it as more than a passing acquaintance.

His relationship this summer had been an uphill battle against Mamm and the Amish community and, it seemed, the world at large. But it pained him that his own mamm could discount his feelings simply because she wished to.

However, his disappointment in Mamm paled in comparison to the powerful anguish swirling like a tornado inside his head. In moments of weakness—which came every minute of every day—the wounded man deep inside him cried out for
her
. Nothing could subdue the need.

He took a deep breath to clear his head. He was late for his Scrabble date with Aaron, Ada, and Sarah. As penance for his tardiness, he’d give Sarah a big kiss.

Anything to make Mamm happy.

Nathaniel ran his fingers through his hair then bolted for the door.

He had to get out.

“Kate, those runs are atrocious.”

Kate massaged the back of her neck. “I’m sorry, Dr. Dibble. I didn’t sleep well last night.”

“Come down here.” Dr. Dibble was a small man, short and thin, and had been teaching at the academy for what Dr. Sumsion swore was over a century. He sat in the darkened auditorium in the exact middle seat, shouting instructions to his singers like a disembodied spirit.

Kate shuffled off the stage and down the steps to the seat next to Dr. Dibble. He tapped his pen on the score in his lap and peered at Kate over the top of his glasses. “Four weeks of rehearsals and you haven’t sung these passages correctly yet.” He pointed at the measures in question. “This entire show falls on Juliette’s shoulders. If you can’t work out this mental block with ‘Je Veux Vivre,’ I’ve got three girls standing in the wings to take your place.”

“Jah…Yes, I’ll do better.”

“Good. Now go do it again. Rosemary, take it from the top.”

Kate sighed and plodded back up to the stage. If she didn’t feel so drained and depressed all the time, she’d be able to muster some sort of joyful emotion for “Je Veux Vivre” or, as she reminded herself of the English translation, “I Want to Live.” Dr. Dibble seldom complained about Kate’s death scene. Her performance, he told her, was right on the money.

The piano plinked along merrily while Kate concentrated on her breathing technique for the first run. Out of the corner of her eye, a figure entered the side door of the auditorium and sat in the front row on the end seat. She chanced a look in that direction.
Elmer!
In full Amish garb, sitting comfortably in his chair, smiling at his own cleverness.

Kate nearly called for a halt to the music. She ached for just one hug from her brother. Instead, she let the thrill of seeing Elmer soar from her mouth to the back of the auditorium. The top notes spun from her head, and the trills escaped freely and effortlessly from her lips. “Je Veux Vivre.”
I want to live. Take that, Dr. Dibble
.

The piano sounded the last decisive chord, and Kate actually heard the frail Dr. Dibble clap three times. His voice echoed through the darkness. “Much better. Take five minutes and we’ll run through ‘Ange Adorable.’”

Kate bolted down the steps and breathlessly flew into Elmer’s arms. “This is the best thing that’s happened to me in weeks,” she said, laughing.

“That was a wonderful-gute song. I want to hear it again.”

“What are you doing here?”

“I told Mamma that if I looked at one more apple, I’d be laid down till Christmas. She gave me leave to come see you. I paid for the bus, but I have to get back on it at seven o’clock.”

“Ach. I’ve got rehearsal for another hour at least.”

“Kate, is this him?” Chelsea stood on the stage, curiously studying the siblings.

Kate latched onto Elmer’s arm. “This is my brother, Elmer.”

Chelsea continued across the stage. “He’s pretty cute for an Amish guy.”

She disappeared behind the curtain as Elmer puffed out his chest. “See? Even the Englisch girls think I’m gute-looking.”

“And you carry the sweet aroma of apples wherever you go. That must attract a lot of girls. Or bees.”

Elmer tugged on Kate’s ponytail. “You try swimming elbow-deep in cider for two weeks. My fingernails are permanently stained, I think.” He held out his hands, palms down, for Kate to examine.