Jax's Dilemma:Insurgents Motorcycle Club (Insurgents MC Romance Book 2) (24 page)

Cherri scratched his back and wrapped her legs around his waist as he entered her. Thrusting in and out of her, her juices slurped around his dick while his balls slammed against her.

“This is what I’m fuckin’ talking about. All this is mine. You’re mine, sweet one. I’m claiming you.” Jax grunted as he continued to push in and out of her perfect pussy, stroking her sensitive part as he fucked her. She scratched the hell out of his back as she climaxed, but he didn’t have time to react as his orgasm was right behind hers. He collapsed on top of her, breathing heavily while she moaned softly. Still inside her, he rolled over on his side and drew her into him, her head snug under his chin, her tits against his chest, and her legs entwined with his. He tickled her back lightly as the coolness of the night dried their sweaty bodies.

“I want to be like this with you. I lost you once, and I’ll never lose you again,” he said.

“Don’t make promises to me then screw another woman like I’m easily thrown away. I need you to be there for me one hundred percent. I don’t think you can do it.”

“I know I’ve never been true to any one girl, but with you, it’s different. I dunno, but you make me want to do shit I’ve never done. I want to get to know you better. I want to get to know Paisley and be a strong figure in her life. I’m gonna try and be a good boyfriend to you.”

“And can you give up the other women? I won’t be with a man who cheats on me. I don’t have time for that shit. I’ve proven to myself I can make it on my own, so I don’t need to put up with bullshit from any man. Can you give up the variety pack?”

Jax blew out a long breath. “I’m not gonna lie. It’ll be hard not being with other women, but I haven’t
been
with another woman since I met you.” He held up his hand, silencing her when she rolled her eyes. “Let me finish. Yeah, I’ve fucked other women, and you know I fucked Peaches, but you were the woman I was fuckin’ in my mind. I only wanted you. I have you in my heart now, sweet one. No bitch has ever owned my heart, and there’s no way in fuckin’ hell I want to destroy it.”

“I don’t know. This is all new and hard for me. You say all the right words, but actions mean more, and you haven’t shown me much change.”

“You gotta give me a chance. You gotta trust me.”

In a low voice, she said, “It’s hard for me to trust anyone, especially men. It seems like everyone I’ve ever trusted has either died on me or betrayed me. No, the only one who is there for me and loves me no matter what is Paisley. I want so badly to make sure she has the love and feeling of safety I never had growing up.”

After they lay there in silence for a while, Jax said, “I want you to bring Paisley to Pinewood Springs. She needs to be with her mother, and you need to be with her.”

“I’d love it and that’s what I’ve been saving money for, but right now, I can’t afford it. I have to work, and I can’t afford daycare. I’m doing the best I can.”

“No worries. I’m gonna help out with all that.” He placed a finger on her lips as she started to reply. “Shh… I don’t wanna hear you tellin’ me why I can’t help. Paisley needs to be with you. You need to raise her, not some stranger.”

After a long pause, Cherri said, “I appreciate the offer, but I can’t let you take on my responsibility. This is on me, and I own it. I’ll make it work.”

“What the fuck? What don’t you get about being my woman? You are now
my
responsibility, and what bothers you, bothers me. This isn’t about you wanting to do this on your own because you’re no longer on your own. I’m your man, and I’ll take care of you. That’s my way. That’s the Insurgents’ way.” He sat up, his back against the headboard.

Cherri, raising herself up and resting on her elbow, looked at him. “Again, I appreciate the offer, but I
need
to do this by myself.”

Jax’s eyes glowered and his face turned dark as he kneaded his scalp and looked at Cherri. “What the fuck are you talkin’ about?” He gritted his teeth and said, “You didn’t seem to have any trouble takin’ Gunner’s money. Why the fuck was that okay, but my money’s shit?”

There, he’d said it. He didn’t want to throw Gunner in her face, never wanted to mention the whole mistake, but she forced his hand. She was pissing him off, and he’d retaliated.

Cherri balked and her eyes burned, making them bluer in the room’s soft light. “How dare you bring that up to me? What I had with Gunner was different from what we have. It was different because I didn’t have feelings for him the way I do for you. Gunner was like a very good friend.” She shook her head. “Fuck, I dunno. I’m so damn confused. You should stay away from me, because I’m no good. I turn everything that’s good into shit. You don’t want me. I’m just a girl who’s bad and does dirty things. I’m no good.” She buried her face in the sheets, her shoulders moving up and down.

Jax stared at her body as sobs overcame it. A dazed look replaced the angered one of a few minutes before, and a heaviness surrounded his heart. He patted her back over and over as her quaking dissipated. Looking at her, face buried in the mattress as her sobs played out, he chewed on his inner cheek. He had suspected for a long time something terrible had happened to her when she was young, something that messed her up and made her feel like she was nothing. He wasn’t sure who fucked her over like this, but he was damn well going to find out.

“Sweetness, tell me where you got the crazy-ass idea you aren’t good or lovable,” he said in a low voice.

Talking into the mattress, she said, “I’ve known that since I was young.”

“Did your parents tell you that?”

Lifting herself up a little, she said, “Not my father—
never
my father. I loved him. I loved him so much. When he died, I died with him.”

A small sob from the back of her throat confirmed what he had suspected: her mother didn’t cherish her or make her feel loved and wanted.
What a fuckin’ cunt.

“Look at me, sweetness. Come on, look at me.” His gaze settled on her moist eyes. Placing his hands on either side of her head, he said, “You have to trust me. I’ll keep you safe. With me around, sweetie, you never need to worry.” He pulled her up close to him and folded her trembling body into his arms.

“I want to trust you. I do.” Her voice broke, and she clung to him like a drowning person hanging onto a flotation ring.

“Then tell me what haunts your eyes and your dreams. Trust me enough to tell me what’s destroying your life.”

Drawing away from him, he saw her usual rosy face turn ashen and tight. Her eyes fixed on the yellow, floral sheets. In a voice barely above a whisper, she said, “There’s something you don’t know about me.”

“I
was in
my mother’s wedding. She wore a silk and lace pink suit, and I wore a beautiful rose dress with spaghetti straps. I felt so grown up because my mother let me wear heels and took me to have my hair and makeup done. My mother was happy—she had finally climbed out of the darkness she’d been in since my dad’s death two years before. I was still sad, but I was glad my mom found a nice man to make her smile again. My stepfather came into my life that day…” Cherri pulled at the loose threads in the sheet as she said, through clenched teeth, “It started when
he
moved in. I turned twelve a few months before…” Her breath hitched, and she squeezed her eyes shut.

Jax stroked her cheek and said, “It’s okay, sweet one; I’m here. Go on, get it out. You’ve been keeping this shit in you for too long. Lean on me if you have to, but get it out. Take your time, but get it out. I hate seeing you in all this pain.”

She opened her eyes and looked at the moonlight filtering in through the shuttered window. “At first, he just touched me quickly. He’d made it seem like no big deal, and even though it felt weird, it happened so fast I thought I’d imagined it or overreacted to it. He’d slap my butt in passing and say, ‘Nice ass,’ or he’d put his hands on my hips and squeeze them as he passed behind me. You know, shit like that. Sometimes, my mom was there, but she never said anything. She acted like it was normal, so I thought ‘this is what some dads do, and it’s cool ’cause my mom wouldn’t let someone do something to me that was wrong or bad,’ so I went with it.

“When the touching became more frequent and more involved, I didn’t know what to think. He’d often take me into their bedroom when my mom was shopping or at a volunteer meeting, and he’d lay me on top of him and sort of rub my body against his so our private parts would touch.”

Cherri got up and walked to the bathroom to get a glass of water. Looking at herself in the mirror, she saw a frightened, blonde-haired girl of thirteen staring back at her; fear and sadness reflected in her blue eyes. Cherri closed her eyes and rubbed her temples.
I can do this. I can share the secret that’s been ravaging me for all this time.

“You okay, babe?”

She jumped when she heard Jax’s voice. “Yeah, just getting some water.” She came back to the bed, glass of water in hand, and took a big gulp. Sitting down cross-legged on the bed, she tied her hair back in a ponytail.

Jax kissed her gently on her jaw and squeezed her hand.

“My stepfather told me it was natural for a father to show his daughter what sex was all about, so she’d be prepared for sexual encounters when she grew up. He said that since my dad had died, it was his job as my substitute father to show me. I lost my virginity to him when I was fourteen years old.” She heard Jax’s growl, and the bed shook when he slammed his fist on the mattress. “The pain was excruciating. It seared through me as he grunted and slammed in me over, and over, and over. It seemed like it went on for hours. When it was done, he got up and left me bleeding in my bed. I wished I were free of him. I wished I were dead.”

“Come here,” Jax whispered as he scooted nearer to her. He crushed her against him as he nuzzled his mouth against her ear while he stroked her back.

“After the rape, he’d come several times a week to my room. He mostly came hidden in the shadows of the night. I always cringed when I’d hear the floorboards creak outside my door. My heart would pound as the blood rushed to my head and a cold, icy fear would seize me because I knew what was coming and, worst of all, I knew I couldn’t stop it. And he
always
came. His breath stunk of cigarettes and bourbon, and to this day, the smell of cigarettes makes me gag. After a year of fucking me in my mouth, my ass, and my pussy, he must’ve gotten bored ’cause that’s when he started taking pictures and videos of me touching and pleasing myself.” Her voice cracked and tears rolled down her face; she wiped her runny nose with the palm of her hand. Clutching herself, her shivering escalated, and as her stomach twisted and turned, she bolted to the bathroom, throwing up in the toilet.

Jax followed her into the bathroom, and his warm hands massaging her shoulders calmed her shivers. Taking the tissues he handed her, she wiped the spittle from her lips as she leaned on her elbow which was propped on the toilet bowl rim. The scream started deep in the pit of her stomach and traveled up through the nausea, the tenseness, and the chills then exploded from her throat. Once it broke free, she couldn’t stop screaming. It was like she was watching herself from above: head over the toilet bowl, beads of sweat pouring down her face, Jax’s chest covering her back, and her screams, coming one after another, slamming against the pristine white tiles.

Goddamn, I’m fucked-up. Why is this darkness always at my back? Why won’t it go away? Fuck, I’m tired of all this shit.

“Cherri, please stop. Please, sweetie. Hang onto me. It’s okay. The motherfucker can’t hurt you anymore. It’s over. You’ve proven you’re okay.” Jax kissed her neck while he pushed her stuck hair away from her damp face.

“I’m okay? No, I’m
not
okay. I’m fucked-up. I’m so fucked-up that I can only have sex if I get something in return for it. Usually, it’s money. That’s why I don’t want your money. You’re the first guy in my life who I want to try and have something normal with, but I know it won’t work because everything I touch goes to shit. I’m no good. I’m dirty and bad.” She pushed Jax away and went over to the sink to rinse off her face. After she brushed her teeth, she went back into the bedroom.

“Is that what
he
told you? That you were no good?” Jax asked in a low voice as he followed behind her.

“His pet name for me was ‘sweet slut.’ He told me I loved what he was doing to me. He said it was my fault ’cause I was so damn sexy and had such a tempting, young body…”

“Sweetie, none of it was your fault. You were taken advantage of by a perv, a fuckin’ pedophile. The bastard shifted blame from him onto you. You were the innocent one.”

“No, no, I wasn’t the innocent one,” she said, so softly that Jax had to put his ear to her mouth to hear her. “You see, when he touched me and played with me, sometimes I liked it. It made me feel good. I
liked
the way he made my body explode. I told you I’m dirty. I’m so ashamed. I’m so ashamed. Fuck.” She put her face in her hands, her insides churning. She didn’t want to lose it again.
Fuck, when will this madness end?

Taking her hands in his, Jax said, “Sweetie, you were a young girl. You can’t blame yourself for the way your body reacted. It’s normal. Certain parts of our body are made for pleasure, and it’s okay if you felt aroused. It wasn’t your fault, and you’re not dirty. The fuckwad is the dirty perv, not you.”

The round alarm clock on her nightstand ticked away the minutes. Cherri liked a real clock. She hated the digital clocks with their glowing red numbers. She’d had one in her room during the dark years, and she’d look at the red numbers during the nasty things her stepfather did to her, praying the time would fly and he’d be finished. Ever since her stepfather started his shit, her stomach would gurgle when she saw red numbers.

“Did you ever tell your mom?” Jax said, breaking the silence.

“Yeah, and she told me I wore skimpy clothes, and he wasn’t my
real
dad, and he
was
a man, so what did I expect? She reminded me what a good provider he was, and how hard we had it after Daddy died. After she warned me not to blow our good life, she suggested I keep my door locked more often. Fuck, she was my mother—she was
supposed
to make sure I was safe no matter what.” She looked straight at Jax, her eyes flashing. “You know what I can’t even fuckin’ believe? She’s still with him. She still cooks his dinner, fucks him, goes on trips with him. It makes me wanna puke! I feel like an emotional cripple most of the time, and she’s playing housewife to a man who raped her daughter for three years. I’ll never be able to forgive her. I blame her more than I do him. She was supposed to protect me.”